ExH is so awful I just can't cope anymore

[Chadvalley]

I'm sure he has a personality disorder. We have small DDs and share their care so we have to co-parent. I don't know if I can do it. In the last year since we split he has reported me to children's services about 8 times (they are, I think, quite sick of him but they have to investigate), he has reported me to the police, he has been awful about handing over DDs, going back on his word and keeping them for longer than agreed (this has now stopped due to a recent court order). I am starting to see how abusive our marriage was, how he totally fucked with my mental health. He tried to convince me that I had a personality disorder, then tried to convince me that I was autistic. He never actively stopped me seeing my friends but he would engineer situations to make it impossible (e.g. always flake on the childcare at the last minute and I would have to cancel or bring DC along). Financially he was completely in control of everything and very mean with it. Since splitting he has been financially abusive towards me. Since we have split he has damaged my things, hidden them, said he doesn't have them when I know he does (he has remained at what was the family home). He is just awful. How do I move forward and co-parent with someone like this for the next 13 years? Without going totally crazy in the process? Any decision we have to agree on, he disagrees with me on principle. He would argue that the sky is green just for the sake of it. He writes long, rambling emails when just a few lines would do. He keeps me deliberately out of the loop for e.g. dentist appointments then delights in telling me I have missed a check up. He refuses to use mutual friends or family as intermediaries. He refuses to use a communication book, I tried this and he ended up refusing to give it back. I am just so overwhelmed and feel very despondant 😭 I almost feel like letting the DDs live with him all the time, because then I wouldn't have to see him or interract with him (I wouldn't actually do this). Please tell me it gets easier??

I'm so sorry Pebbledashery I completely agree - you can never be free, you can never move on completely. I feel like my children's childhoods are ruined now. And that I won't ever be able to enjoy their childhoods, because he is always there... Having just upset me in some way, or they are about to go and see him, or they have just got back and they are upset. It's awful 😪

I have tried to "grey rock" but it is quite hard to do when DC are so small. Maybe it will get easier as they get older.

Has he got a current partner? What would he be like with you taking them on holiday etc. Would he just be purposely difficult because he knows he can be?

I spent the weekend figuring out a grey rock strategy for my own situation.

It's very different from yours but has similarities in that we locked into a relationship with the horrible guy (he likes troubling the police too).

There a sort of version of grey rock out there for us both but it's obviously harder to achieve when some communication is unavoidable.

may we both find it

Your comment abount reacting when you saw his email reminded me why I renamed my ex in my phone contacts from Axxx to X as it meant he wasn't on view at the top every time I opened my contacts. The X also reassured me of his status.
Can't help on your big issues, but little things can be helpful.

Definitely set up a new email.

It's horrific opening your inbox to their name coming up. I totally understand the palpitations.

I dealt with it when I moved house, I changed my email and mobile as well on everything but I could as I had to change all my accounts anyway so bit the bullet. He didn't get my new address either. He can only email my old account which I check.

For you, you can't do this.
So!
New email address.
Send it to him from old email and say you wish to separate his communication from your daily life now you are separated. (He'll want a reason I bet)
From now on all communications will be done via new address.
Then say I am therefore with immediate effect blocking your address and mobile on my other accounts. I will check the new email account regularly.
In case of emergency only, you may telephone xxx who will inform me (there must be someone who you can use as an intermediary)

I promise this will help. Enormously.

Oh so if he doesn't email you to confirm collection arrangements EVERY TIME then you don't open the door. It wasn't arranged.

Equally you email him. EVERY TIME
Collection Thursday at 6.00pm. Please confirm receipt of email.

Think about the busiest boss in the world and how they would write it. Remove all unnecessary detail. Facts facts facts.

@chuffedasbuttons can I ask if he's made no attempt to try and intercept your new address? I've fled domestic abuse from my vile ex and SS relocated us. Nobody has my address and I'm terrified he'll get it if he achieves unsupervised contact through the court.

[quote Pebbledashery]@PicsInRed when is this bill expect to pass though?[/quote]
It's done the 2nd reading at the Lords, next is committee then report, once that done it'll be swift to assent. There's a lot of support and it isn't being watered down as it moves through - it's actually being beefed up.

My hope is inside 6 months.

@Pebbledashery

I'm an odd case. My ex committed a crime and went to prison. That's another whole load of social services crap.

He was abusive. Emotionally. I did freedom program - was sent to it by Met Police. The Met told me that they are powerless against him if I am responding to text and email. They told me to block him and only email facts from a separate account. If I did this and made it clear to him he was only to contact me re the collection of the DC, they would then be able to act if he stepped outside of this and hassled me.
I had to set the boundary and it had to be firm, hard and consistent.

I then moved and didn't give him my address. Changed all details except old email I did communicate with him on.

Drop off and collection were in supermarket carpark always at busy times. Emergency telephone was my mum or best friend phone. He never called them.

Then he committed a crime. Because of his crime, I am (by my solicitor) deemed to be safeguarding the children by changing all details and 'hiding' BUT
We have no court history.... the child arrangements were agreed between us prior to crime.

After crime it was EASY to hide. He actually doesn't email my old email - it's obvious he would be breaching his parole terms and he is on sex offenders register.

Yet I regularly receive requests to attend mediation from a reputable Mediation Firm. They make me sick. They are worded as if I have to reply. My lawyer told me ignore ignore ignore.

The only way my ex can see the DC is if he finds some money to take me to court. Doesn't stop him trying to twist the world.

I've spent £1200 just on legal advice. Worth every penny for my sanity. I know I can ignore him, I know my rights. I know what to do if he shows his face.

My situation doesn't help you both though I am allowed to keep the criminal at arms length.

But the things that helped make me strong are the ones Ive given here - new email.
Ignore.

@chuffedasbuttons

Definitely set up a new email.

It's horrific opening your inbox to their name coming up. I totally understand the palpitations.

I dealt with it when I moved house, I changed my email and mobile as well on everything but I could as I had to change all my accounts anyway so bit the bullet. He didn't get my new address either. He can only email my old account which I check.

For you, you can't do this.
So!
New email address.
Send it to him from old email and say you wish to separate his communication from your daily life now you are separated. (He'll want a reason I bet)
From now on all communications will be done via new address.
Then say I am therefore with immediate effect blocking your address and mobile on my other accounts. I will check the new email account regularly.
In case of emergency only, you may telephone xxx who will inform me (there must be someone who you can use as an intermediary)

I promise this will help. Enormously.

Thanks for this, I will do all of the above. xx

@lifetooshorttospendpanicky

I spent the weekend figuring out a grey rock strategy for my own situation.

It's very different from yours but has similarities in that we locked into a relationship with the horrible guy (he likes troubling the police too).

There a sort of version of grey rock out there for us both but it's obviously harder to achieve when some communication is unavoidable.

may we both find it

YY

I'm still reeling from you saying he has shared care :( 9/10 abusive man don't actually want shared care, it's just so they don't have to pay maintenance costs. I hope you find some way of dealing with him xxxx

Chuffedasbuttons that mediation company are a disgrace, is there a regulating body they can be reported to?

I am 99.9999% sure he wanted custody because then it would be paying me maintenence! He was quite happy for me to do all the legwork when he pursude his hobbies and went out with his mates when we were together 😒
I really think he has a PD because he is so manipulative and gets everyone to feel sorry for him (the nursery love him) whilst he is so nasty if he doesn't get what he wants.

@Pebbledashery

Has he got a current partner? What would he be like with you taking them on holiday etc. Would he just be purposely difficult because he knows he can be?

He has but I haven't met her since they got together. Just heard about her through DC. I suspect an affair happened although there is no way I could prove it.

@Chadvalley really sounds like you've been through it :( was it literally your word against his when it came to the abuse?, i really do worry what contact my ex will get. He wanted lives with, then shared.. He wasn't supposed to get interim contact, cafcass were dead against it but he's now having supervised contact in a contact centre. It's due to start soon. He's going to absolutely hate it.

Also wondering if I was married to you ex

I echo using the grey rock strategy. It gets easier! Email only, keep it factual and related to the children, don't respond to anything else, however outrageous/frustrating/offensive.

As a note of encouragement: we were back in court earlier this month and ex was given the opportunity to set out 'his side' whereupon he spouted all the rubbish he's been emailing to me over the past 2 years - stuff that I ignored because it is so illogical and contradictory it wasn't even worth a response. Ex went on for about 10 minutes, and the judge responded 'well, that's clearly untrue isn't it?' I felt as though had I responded to the emails he might have thought up some better stories! It has/is costing me thousands in legal fees, but moments of clarity from someone else like that judge make it almost worth it

Absolutely love it when a judge tears a strip out of them. Our last judge told my ex he needed to think of his child more when he was pushing for weekly contact with a 4 hour distance between us. The judge said he wasn't going to subject a small child to that length of time in the car each week. He looked so small and pathetic in that moment.

Hi OP this sounds so horrible. The new email address sounds like a good idea but I'd not ask him to use the new one I 'd leave him on the old one and transfer everything else over. It'll be a pain to do but if he knows both there's no stopping him using both of that makes sense. And it sounds like he'd enjoy 'forgetting' which to use etc. Best wishes.

@Pebbledashery

Absolutely love it when a judge tears a strip out of them. Our last judge told my ex he needed to think of his child more when he was pushing for weekly contact with a 4 hour distance between us. The judge said he wasn't going to subject a small child to that length of time in the car each week. He looked so small and pathetic in that moment.

Say a lot about him that he would subject his child to a 4 hour commute how selfish!

[quote Pebbledashery]@Chadvalley really sounds like you've been through it :( was it literally your word against his when it came to the abuse?, i really do worry what contact my ex will get. He wanted lives with, then shared.. He wasn't supposed to get interim contact, cafcass were dead against it but he's now having supervised contact in a contact centre. It's due to start soon. He's going to absolutely hate it.[/quote]
I am not a lawyer but if cafcass were against any contact at all I would have thought shared would be unlikely? When is your court date? X

Yep don’t give him a reason why you’ve changed your email address. You don’t owe him any details about any aspect of your life.

I had a shared calendar via google so could add appointments, handover dates and times etc. I had the control over it so he couldn’t amend it.

Just ignore the crap and respond to salient points regarding the children only. Read the emails and wait at least a day before responding. Train him to only bother contacting you if needed rather than replying straight away and getting into an conversation.

It does get easier the older the children are. My DS deals with his dad directly now and has done for the last few years. Made easier by him moving away. 👍

@Dreepmango

Also wondering if I was married to you ex

I echo using the grey rock strategy. It gets easier! Email only, keep it factual and related to the children, don't respond to anything else, however outrageous/frustrating/offensive.

As a note of encouragement: we were back in court earlier this month and ex was given the opportunity to set out 'his side' whereupon he spouted all the rubbish he's been emailing to me over the past 2 years - stuff that I ignored because it is so illogical and contradictory it wasn't even worth a response. Ex went on for about 10 minutes, and the judge responded 'well, that's clearly untrue isn't it?' I felt as though had I responded to the emails he might have thought up some better stories! It has/is costing me thousands in legal fees, but moments of clarity from someone else like that judge make it almost worth it

LOL that sounds glorious!

I can't bear to think how much I have spent on lawyers... It has ruined me financially for life I know that exH emailed my solicitor 3 times when only 1 would do, because it would cost me money. He really is awful and I used a lawyer for communication to avoid communicating directly!

First of all I am so sorry for what you're going through, his behaviour is dreadful and anyone would struggle to cope with that level of incessant aggravation.

Whether or not he has a PD is neither here nor there, your focus needs to be your own well-being and also that of your children.

At all cost, you need to focus on maintaining good physical health(eating/exercise/sleeping) and mental health (set up an inbox "rule" to redirect email to a folder. Only look at them once a week, or get someone else to do it for you. My sister dealt with mine (she loved it!)

Consider trying meditation, there are lots of apps that are v simple and effective. Eventually you will be able to switch off every time you start to get intrusive thoughts about him.

This will help you stay strong and focused.

Practicalities: others have mentioned the mail redirect and letting all your contacts know your new address.

Also about alerting school to the difficulties re. homework and that the children come back unsettled so that they can supoort if need be.

Honestly his behaviour is so dreadful that it is difficult to understand why it is legal.

I think you would probably benefit from doing the Freedom programme or at least reading up on boundaries.
I appreciate you have a heck of a lot to contend with though so perhaps just focus on keeping things as simple as possible and maintaining your well-being for now.