I don't know what to do

[loopyapp]

I am a single parent of four boys, aged 11yrs to 8 months, the middle two of which have a wide range of disabilities.

I don't know why I'm posting this ... Only that I need to put it somewhere other than my head or I'm going to need locking away.

There is something wrong with me.

With each of them, as they're babies I do really well with all the ways in which parenting tests you. They are nurtured and adored and encouraged and doted on.

Then at some point, earlier and earlier with each of them, I just hot a point at which I am just done. Which means they've all had veru gentle attachment based parenting until toddler hood or there abouts and then BAM! Angry, shouty horrible mummy appears.

My eldest has just simmering under the surface contempt for me. I can see it in the way he looks at me and hear it in the venom of his tone when he has enough of me .. Which is getting more and more frequent.

The second child is just miserable. Ive ruined his self esteem and turned him into a self doubting nervous wreck who is either shouting at us all or anxuously apologising.

The third ... He was the one that got kind mummy the longest as he was a baby when the big two were at school. He got adoring, loving patient mummy until about age 4/5 and I think hes the one I've damaged the most. He used to be so sweet and kind .. Excited and adventurous. Now hes surly, screen obsessed and so.quick to temper and lashing out it happens in the blink of an eye. When my anger is building he just clearly becomes so wary of me.. Sorta twitches his shoulders or bounces on the spot. Even if my anger is aimed elsewhere.

The baby. Nearly 9 months. The.last week or so my normally attentive and forgiving nature towards his clingy breastfeeding and disastrous sleep habits has slipped and tonight out of frustration i tried a gentle form of cry it out after feeding him on both sides until drowsy. He was distraught .. Crying and scratching his face till he made himself bleed. It got to second child's bedtime after 10 minutes of this. Second child came into the room and anxiously tried settling the baby ... Actually making things worse. I couldn't help but get cross and tried sending him out to bed.

He got upset that he couldnt sleep with the baby's noise and I responded with temper. Picked the baby up, told older child to go to bed and stormed off complaining that yet again another day where by I won't get an evening meal. Brought baby down stairs and had to just sit there while he crawled and played himself into exhaustion because i was so full of resentment over being at 10 hours since I had last eaten and I knew it would be this time again before the baby gave in.

Second child must have come down to apologise at least 3 times but each time I was just too frustrated to be gracious about it.

I know they all hate me. With good reason. I hate me. The baby will hate me. Already the way he fed to sleep tonight was distant and unsure.. No eye contact or face stroking.

Im going to end up a lonely 50 something loser with no job or career as I'm the middle twos full time carer and 4 adult kids that will hate me for their childhoods and lifelong therapy needs.

I have no idea what to do.

Their dad is around, helps out financialy better than 99.9% of other dads .. Comes round once or twice a week to help out.. Takes the older 3 out on one of the weekend days .. They don't stay at his owing to elements of their disabilities that mean they don't manage with that sort of change well.

My mum ... Is just another version of me. Though instead of rage I just suffered indifference and apathy from her. And still do. Her offers of support are all just for show and if I am ever stupid or desperate to take her up on the offer i pay for it dearly in a constant barrage of how awful and hard work they are and how she can't do it.

I hate who I am. I desperately want to be the version of myself they deserve. I suppose karma will come for me. I just wish they could be spared the misery of suffering me.

You sound exhausted. You aren't a bad person, and there isn't anything wrong with you, aside from the fact you're burnt out. Have a read of this, taken from the NHS website. It has info on things like carer's lists that you can ask to be put on at the GP (this would provide someone for you to talk to in confidence about how you're feeling), to things like a sit in service so you can get away for a few hours (although this would depend on you being assessed etc).

www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/caring-for-children-and-young-people/how-to-care-for-children-with-complex-needs/

@sleepismysuperpower thank you so much. I feel much calmer in the light of day and I truly appreciate your support and advice. Im going to use that link and get pur family ball rolling in the right direction x

You should feel proud of yourself for your coping mechanisms and not beat yourself up... it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. All mums get angry.... you need some rest. Agree either previous poster you’re burnt out. Hope things improve for you soon. 💐 x

@singlemum43 thank you. I cant put into words the relief hearing that other mums don't think I'm a monster.

It's a horrible feeling when you can't give your kids the best of you.
But cut yourself some slack, four kids!! You're doing pretty well.
You have a burden of responsibility and you're doing it alone. You need to get some extra help that doesn't come with emotional or conditional stress.

You need some help, it's great you recognise that your behaviour isn't right, I cant imagine how hard it is to be single parent to four kids but without sounding harsh it was your choice and the kids shouldn't be punished because you are stressed. Could the dad help you out more? Have you told him or any other family members how you are feeling ? Or even the GP or health visitor should be able to signpost you in the direction of some support. I hope things get better for you, being a single parent is really tough and lonely.

You are describing a negative spiral which is distressing to read. You clearly have within you the spark and the will to love your children in the way you crave and started with them, but all the nurturing and support is flowing one way - out from you and this isn't sustainable. No one could maintain that and not find their patience eroded to a similar point you are at. I can picture myself getting to that point in your situation.
But so heartbreaking because just how can you make changes when you are giving it your all and your reserves are spent.
This situation is not what any of you deserve. I'm sure your children love you, but yes, the difficult emotional landscape you all navigate is going to take its toll on you all and your bond will be strained, that doesn't mean it can't be salvaged though. It sounds like you have a reasonable relationship with the father, can you discuss it with him and see if you can access some more support for you to get some breathing space? Wider family on his side? Is there any money for a home help? Could he help you apply for respite care?

I feel for you watching your children learning behaviour patterns that you don't really want to be modelling. My own two pick up bits of me in not proud of, it's nothing too serious thankfully, but I got them from my parents and struggle to break the habits (which I acquired at a very young age) and on it goes. 😔

Also, I really wouldn't be leaving an 8 month old to cry it out, they are so tiny. Sorry but it breaks my heart to think of that baby scratching its face till it bleeds

Please don't beat yourself up. You have so much on your plate I'm not surprised you're reaching breaking point. You sound absolutely exhausted and the not eating for 10 hours wouldn't help anyone's mood.
I think you need an honest conversation with your GP, the children's dad and a close friend/sibling?

Thank you everyone for replying .. Im hopeless with this app so I'll try and answer all your points here.

The cry it out wasn't the typical leaving him in a room alone in the dark, I was stood beside him shhhhing and patting him but he has quite the temper and it turns out my pathetic fear of cutting little babies nails has consequences. However because it was pretty dark and I wasn't being at my best i hadn't noticed how badly he had caught himself. Happily it is barely a thing today, not even a scab just a red line.

I do have a really good relationship with their dad, we've been in eachothers lives one way or another since our teen years and there is no nastiness at all. Its just like everyone else, assumes I'm ok. It doesn't help that he was raised by utterly indifferent and distracted parents in a pretty dysfunctional family. So because i encourage hobbies, play games, help with home work, bake and outwardly appear like Mary poppins.. If I ever do slip in front of him he doesn't see it as a big deal.

His family and mine.. Well to put it bluntly are useless. His family talk the talk around birthdays and Christmas but aren't interested the rest of the time. My mum.. Was systematically tortured physically and emotionally by her mum and when her dad had decided he'd had enough he up and left, leaving all the kids with a violent lunatic.

The result is she is very child like. I have been the parent in our relationship our whole lives. She offers all sorts of support but when it comes to it the children are too challenging or she allows hee bully of a husband (I know she's with her becUse victims kf abuse often seek out abusers) decides that it inconveniences him for her to be here.

I did choose to be a single parent. Wholly and without denial. I did so because I have nothing but platonic and familial love for their dad and I believe he deserves a chance at being with someone that will love him properly. Ive come to realise i have far too many deamons to love anyone in the sense needed for a relationship and as such I'll be staying single. Indefinitely.

I have a briliiant, beautiful friend whom has the same parenting ethos as me. Four truly magical children and a husband who quite frankly is a one in a million. They help me a lot more than I am comfortable with however my beloved friend has terminal COPD. I will not detract one iota of her offerings to her own family when no one knows how long she has with them.

We have a social worker as I self referred following rapid fire diagnoses of the middle two children's additional needs. I felt utterly overwhelmed by the prospect of the answers I spent years demanding and being ignored. I hadn't realised until I was proven right how desperately I wanted to be wrong.

I've spoken to her as we get on very well and previously she referred me to the incredible years course. It was a remarkable experience and I recommend it highly.

The tools work. I KNOW they work. I just can't seem to find the energy to employ them correctly.

I have also had my first appointment for CBT last week and have been accepted for an intensive course od treatment to start in 6 weeks. I pray this will give me the tools to break this cycle.

So tonight I tucked the 5 year old into bed and apologised. I apologised for bot being the mummy he deserves and for not apologising sooner. I told him i know it's wrong to act the way I do sometimes and i know thats why he behaves the way he does. We had a cry and a cuddle and I asked him to tell me one thing I could change right then and there as a first step to getting back to how we were and he replied "count to ten" Its something ive tried to instill in them .. Counting to ten before reacting. We pinky promised and he fell asleep without the usual up and down needing a drink, new pillow, another hug etc...

So I did the same with the older two and we all acknowledged the snowballing situation and again I apologised unreservedly for my behavior and we had some.hugs and tears and laughs. Eldest has asked me to help him manage his school work load more as he feels snowed under (year 7) and the 9 year old has asked if I can just leave him be a bit more.. When hes fiddling, measuring things, experimenting with play doh and paints etc with a promise he will indeed tidy it up. I really do hover around him nit picking at his tendency to faff and fiddle with everything whilst moaning about his mess.

The baby ... He's nursed on demand all day, smiled, twiddled my hair, actively sought to be held by me and I've responded with open arms and endless patience. He's been allowed to follow me around, nap when and where he wants and determine when he was ready to go to sleep tonight and hes currently sleeping so very peacefully on my chest, my hair in his hand and his whole body radiating calm. And rather than feeling irritated or touched out I'm really feeling connected with him and settled.

I think acknowledging all this out loud in some way has been enormously beneficial.

Thank you.

I can do this.

Sorry op by saying it was 'your choice' I meant the having four children part, not being a single parent. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, I hope you keep reaching out for that support, your children deserve an upbringing without being anxious of their mum.

@Kittykat thank you. Is it ok to keep coming back here during rough patches?

I love that you had those chats with your dc, I'm sure they feel valued and you're all in this together so it's good to keep the communication open.
It sounds difficult that you don't have any family support and your best friend isn't in the position to help. I would have a chat with their dad though, if you are on good terms could he come to yours to put the dc to bed a couple of nights a week? If they can't stay at his maybe it's something he misses too. Try to carve some time out for yourself x

Look I’m just going to be really honest with you despite that in my sound harsh and I might get a really bad response I really think you could do with a bit of talking therapy in your post your views are so extreme and clear-cut your kids don’t hate you and you should not hate yourself I don’t know your food situation but I guess there’s always more things under the surface of the problem it sounds like you need a bit of time for yourself for sure.

I can imagine it must be really difficult with everyone at home all the time if you can manage to speak to someone that is qualified I am sure it would help you if you can’t afford it maybe look up to see if there is any help like a counsellor through through your GP or something like that so you can talk about your issues it just doesn’t sound like it’s something that is going to go away on its own.

Look to see if there are family support workers or something similar in your area. They are there to support families under stress, like yours.

Everyone can be the parent they want to be when their cup is filled and their mood good. Its extremely hard when you are under stress. I nkow exactly when I snap and shout and am awful to my kids. Its when I am miserable and thinking about my misery. Or when I am tired and worn and done.

You need to seek out whatever help is available and not feel bad about it. Both you and the kids need it. Can their Dad step up more.
They are both your kids yet you are carrying all the load and it sounds like it is crushing you.

Thank you all for replying .. I will have to speak to their dad, he'll be horrified that im struggling so much but probably utterly unsure how to help.

Please don't worry about offending me. I referred myself to my local mental health team and had an initial assesment for intensive CBT last week. I got the call this afternoon to say it's been approved and i will begin therapy any time now.

I hope they'll put us in touch with teams that can help while i go through rebuilding myself

That’s a really good positive step honestly you feel so much better when you engage with therapy sessions many people are feeling the same as you are right now and many people manage to get past the feelings that you are feeling right now, don’t be so hard on yourself. x

And if I can say from personal experience in periods of time where you are really uncomfortable with yourself and really unhappy with your situation these kind of moments are the ones that make you grow as a person and when you can make circumstantial changes for the better

Something like Homestart would be helpful usually - it sounds like some practical as well as emotional help would be good at regular intervals to help you recharge.
I also think you sound really brave & honest in acknowledging how you are, probably a bit harsh, but by accepting you are flawed and want to change you give yourselves the best chance! I bet your children see the good bits in you far more than you do, but how wonderful that you could let them say what bothers them, accept it & commit to a change. Many many adults fail at that...

Good luck. Hope you find support.

It's great that you are going to get therapy.
Please ask their dad for more help.
You are burnt out. They don't hate you. Be kind to yourself. Look after yourself. Then your patience will return.
Sending strength & peace to you OP X

Thank you again for continuing to be so supportive. It is really heartening to hear that other people believe I can change and turn this back around.

I will reach out to home start but i suspect with covid, services will be limited. I will also ask my therapist if they can signpost me somewhere.

Im really looking forward to getting started with the CBT but I've heard initially things can feel much worse. I need to provision something for the children for that period so they aren't left in the mire of my dysfunction.

I will reach out to home start but i suspect with covid, services will be limited

I've had support in lockdown - telephone but it was still very useful.

I've spoken to them today and they've been great :)