I am a single parent of four boys, aged 11yrs to 8 months, the middle two of which have a wide range of disabilities.
I don't know why I'm posting this ... Only that I need to put it somewhere other than my head or I'm going to need locking away.
There is something wrong with me.
With each of them, as they're babies I do really well with all the ways in which parenting tests you. They are nurtured and adored and encouraged and doted on.
Then at some point, earlier and earlier with each of them, I just hot a point at which I am just done. Which means they've all had veru gentle attachment based parenting until toddler hood or there abouts and then BAM! Angry, shouty horrible mummy appears.
My eldest has just simmering under the surface contempt for me. I can see it in the way he looks at me and hear it in the venom of his tone when he has enough of me .. Which is getting more and more frequent.
The second child is just miserable. Ive ruined his self esteem and turned him into a self doubting nervous wreck who is either shouting at us all or anxuously apologising.
The third ... He was the one that got kind mummy the longest as he was a baby when the big two were at school. He got adoring, loving patient mummy until about age 4/5 and I think hes the one I've damaged the most. He used to be so sweet and kind .. Excited and adventurous. Now hes surly, screen obsessed and so.quick to temper and lashing out it happens in the blink of an eye. When my anger is building he just clearly becomes so wary of me.. Sorta twitches his shoulders or bounces on the spot. Even if my anger is aimed elsewhere.
The baby. Nearly 9 months. The.last week or so my normally attentive and forgiving nature towards his clingy breastfeeding and disastrous sleep habits has slipped and tonight out of frustration i tried a gentle form of cry it out after feeding him on both sides until drowsy. He was distraught .. Crying and scratching his face till he made himself bleed. It got to second child's bedtime after 10 minutes of this. Second child came into the room and anxiously tried settling the baby ... Actually making things worse. I couldn't help but get cross and tried sending him out to bed.
He got upset that he couldnt sleep with the baby's noise and I responded with temper. Picked the baby up, told older child to go to bed and stormed off complaining that yet again another day where by I won't get an evening meal. Brought baby down stairs and had to just sit there while he crawled and played himself into exhaustion because i was so full of resentment over being at 10 hours since I had last eaten and I knew it would be this time again before the baby gave in.
Second child must have come down to apologise at least 3 times but each time I was just too frustrated to be gracious about it.
I know they all hate me. With good reason. I hate me. The baby will hate me. Already the way he fed to sleep tonight was distant and unsure.. No eye contact or face stroking.
Im going to end up a lonely 50 something loser with no job or career as I'm the middle twos full time carer and 4 adult kids that will hate me for their childhoods and lifelong therapy needs.
I have no idea what to do.
Their dad is around, helps out financialy better than 99.9% of other dads .. Comes round once or twice a week to help out.. Takes the older 3 out on one of the weekend days .. They don't stay at his owing to elements of their disabilities that mean they don't manage with that sort of change well.
My mum ... Is just another version of me. Though instead of rage I just suffered indifference and apathy from her. And still do. Her offers of support are all just for show and if I am ever stupid or desperate to take her up on the offer i pay for it dearly in a constant barrage of how awful and hard work they are and how she can't do it.
I hate who I am. I desperately want to be the version of myself they deserve. I suppose karma will come for me. I just wish they could be spared the misery of suffering me.