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Original poster

Ex applying for change of residence

49 replies

Concernedmama1 · 21/12/2020 17:43

My ex who was abusive has said he will be applying to court if I don't make dd available for Christmas, we are currently self isolating.

I haven't ever breached the order, apart from when dd was ill which was well documented. Dd has also been returning home from contact extremely distressed which has all been documented and following a cafcass report they said dd was at moderate risk of violence from ex. I've constantly tried to encourage ex to take more interest in dd but he doesn't, I've done this by email and also by text so again all well documented.

Does anyone know if it would be likely that court would change residence based on the above?

OP posts:
carly2803 · 21/12/2020 22:26

cannot, and wont comment on your question OP

but i will say that these x's are often hot air threats. When does the isolation end?

lilylongjohn · 21/12/2020 22:31

Firstly I'd advise getting proper legal advice, it's the only way to be certain

However, from what I know, he's highly highly HIGHLY unlikely to get a change of residence. Courts will rule on what's best for the child. They won't, as a rule, change any current orders that are in place.

When he mentions it again, sharif your shoulders and say 'ok, see you in court then' and leave it at that. Chances are he's full of shit and has no intention of doing anything, he's just trying to put the wind up you

Embracelife · 21/12/2020 22:37

Why are you encouraging him to take more interest? What does that mean? What do you say to him?
If she is at risk of violence why would you encourage anything?
Does govt guidance say children can move between parents when self isolating?
Let him take you to court

Starlightstarbright1 · 21/12/2020 22:41

Yes to proper legal advice.

I don’t understand why you are encouraging him either. This only encourages his behaviour.

You need to not encourage or care. Once I stopped encouraging . Trying to make things better ex gave up

Original poster
Concernedmama1 · 21/12/2020 23:13

I think it was just to give him a chance at a good relationship with dd so I could say I really tried, but I have stopped bothering now.

Government advice does state the can move between households but as it stands dd also has symptoms which I have ordered a test for and it isn't like ex lives in the same town as us, it's a long journey between homes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Concernedmama1 · 21/12/2020 23:17

We are currently mid way through the process of court, I do also have a health visitor who has seen dd behaviour and said contact is having a negative impact on her.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 21/12/2020 23:58

If professionals are saying contact is negative and she is at risk then
Your priority is to stop or limit contact not encourage it

If he was her teacher or nanny or childminder would you still send her?

Get hv views in writing
How old is dd? Under 5 presumably

Sawyersfishbiscuits · 22/12/2020 07:06

Speak to your solicitor ASAP. They expect all this crap around Christmas and will help. They really are used to it. I know you might be charged to cost of a telephone call/email but it's worth it. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
Concernedmama1 · 22/12/2020 07:31

@Embracelife of course I wouldn't, but also the child care provider wouldn't have any legal standing if I didn't send dd. Dd is two so not able to verbalise what is going on other than no no when I talk about daddy or when she sees him.

So I'm trying to protect dd but also trying to comply with an order and giving ex a chance. Children's services have been in contact and offered early help, which is accepted, however he has turned down.. and I just know in my gut something is going on, ex isn't hearing that there is an issue or accepting help and dd is suffering. But because she isn't going over Xmas and because of children's services he is now saying he wants her to live with him.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 22/12/2020 08:54

Why do you think she is so distressed?

Why do you wsnt to "give ex a chance"?

If he refuses to work with childrens services you shoukd not give him a chance

Embracelife · 22/12/2020 09:46

If a "cafcass report they said dd was at moderate risk of violence from ex"

Then that is surely good reason to not send until full investigation ?

MotherExtraordinaire · 22/12/2020 09:54

Very unlikely.

Parents are placed under an obligation under government regulations to ensure, that any child who has had close contact with somebody who has tested positive for Coronavirus self-isolates for 10 days. The regulations require that anyone subject to the self-isolation requirement must not leave their home with immediate effect (save for specified exceptions such as to seek medical assistance). Spending time with a parent with whom the child does not usually live with is not listed as a reason why a person self-isolating may leave the house which of course can impact on any agreed arrangements therefore it is down to the parents to be sensible and co-operative in this regard. It is a short period after all.
I would in send this in totality in email. I would add she's also showing symptoms and a test has been ordered. From delivery at lab my test took 3 full days. So you could well find the result returns before Christmas, however, sending say tomorrow late may assist in assuring the result isn't known until after Christmas.

Original poster
Concernedmama1 · 22/12/2020 13:35

@Embracelife well I think ex is a lot like he was previously with dd. Verbally agressive, deliberately scaring dd, leaving her unattended.. dd refuses to interact with ex while at his, this is her GMs comment and will barely talk. But it could also be because ex had no involvement with dd through his own choice and he maybe a complete stranger to her. All I know is the behaviour I have witnessed from him in the past and dds behaviour now. And I know that he hasn't changed in the year we have been seperated as I still see his agressive side now when he is unable to control me or get a reaction.

Encourage him I suppose because sometimes I think ok maybe he'll change, but that is just me wanting the best for dd but I need to be realistic.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 22/12/2020 13:40

The best for dd is to be around someone who cares.and does not scare.
Encouraging contact is not in her best interest. Is it? Based on what yopu and cafcass say. Scars from bad contact worse than no contact?
What does interim contact order say?

Mwybe when she older and able to express herself she can rebuild contact slowly

Does the gm supervise all visits?
Is gm an ally?
Can you ask court to ensure supervied visits only with gm

Embracelife · 22/12/2020 13:41

And ask gir family therapy where professional observes the contact and maybe advises ex....

Original poster
Concernedmama1 · 22/12/2020 17:05

No GM doesn't supervise all visits nor is she an ally, I think she made the comment as if to say I must not interact with dd which isn't the case and there is proof of this via various professionals.

I was considering suggesting no contact until dd is old enough to communicate. Reason being ex refuses to take on any suggestions by professionals, cafcass advised video calls between contact he declined, help from ss he has turned down.. if I raise my concerns I'm told there isn't much that can be done now (by him). Then when professionals raise concerns or if anything goes wrong in contact I am to blame, he isn't focusing on what's best for our dd and the constant orders he request each time is stressful for me, the last one being a prohibited steps order to stop me from talking to professionals about my concerns for dd while with him.. judge threw it out but it isn't the point and I can only imagine what the next one will be.

I don't think family therapy would work, he would agree to the suggestions and do nothing, especially if it is coming from a woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
Concernedmama1 · 22/12/2020 18:17

@Embracelife interim was eow from fri to sun. Should have been a video call too but ex turned this down.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 22/12/2020 19:51

But family therapist could observe him with dd.
Would he put on an act?
How did cafcass deduce he is a danger?
Do you have in writjng?
Why woukd you continue to send her two nights when he is a danger?

Original poster
Concernedmama1 · 22/12/2020 19:56

@Embracelife cafcass said that dd was at medium risk of violence from ex but that there were protective factors such as the grandparents that minimised this risk to a point where is outweighed said risk. All of which is in writing.

He would put on an act and also he just wouldn't agree to doing it in the first place.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 22/12/2020 20:04

So grandparents are there with him.when he has dd?

TeachesOfPeaches · 22/12/2020 20:14

Your DD is only two and is already having overnights with her dad for two nights who she is at risk of violence from?

Did you agree this or is this court enforced OP? Your dd must be so confused being without you for so long in a place where she won't be comfortable or familiar.

Original poster
Concernedmama1 · 22/12/2020 20:43

@Embracelife no grandparents aren't always with him when he has dd. Sometimes yes, but often it'll be just him and dd.

@TeachesOfPeaches, this was advised by cafcass who I'm told the judge will usually follow so I agreed after discussing with my barrister but did make my concerns very clear. My thought process at the time was if I have any concerns I can just do something about it, but whatever I do in order to protect dd can be seen as obstructive and obviously I don't want to do anything that could see dd have to permanently live with her dad.

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 22/12/2020 20:56

@Concernedmama1 that's a shocking recommendation from Caffcass. They never usually recommend overnights at such a young age, especially if there has been a history of abuse etc.

My son's dad was granted 2 hours every other Saturday, first supervised and then unsupervised. Its gradually gone up to five hours but still no overnights and my son is 5.

Embracelife · 22/12/2020 21:30

So

dd was at medium risk of violence from ex but that there were protective factors such as the grandparents that minimised this risk to a point where is outweighed said risk. All of which is in writing.

Yet he got overnights eow?
As pp said you woukd expect daytime first then build up if violence risk

So i am missng something ?

What are his good points? How did he come scross? Is he a charming bully? Professiobal job? How did he persuade judge?
Hiw do you come across?

megletthesecond · 22/12/2020 21:35

Do not encourage the relationship. Hopefully it will tail off.

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