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Lone parents

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Original poster

Ex applying for change of residence

49 replies

Concernedmama1 · 21/12/2020 17:43

My ex who was abusive has said he will be applying to court if I don't make dd available for Christmas, we are currently self isolating.

I haven't ever breached the order, apart from when dd was ill which was well documented. Dd has also been returning home from contact extremely distressed which has all been documented and following a cafcass report they said dd was at moderate risk of violence from ex. I've constantly tried to encourage ex to take more interest in dd but he doesn't, I've done this by email and also by text so again all well documented.

Does anyone know if it would be likely that court would change residence based on the above?

OP posts:

Embracelife · 22/12/2020 21:46

What i mean by how you cone acrosss is does he have something over you?
Why would a court award full time care to a man who poses risk to a child over you?
Makes no sense

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 22/12/2020 22:02

@TeachesOfPeaches how old was your ds when contact started if you don't mind me asking? @Embracelife Contact did start off as supervised at 2 hours every week but very quickly went to 8 hours supported while section 7 was being completed. Following cafcass recommendations and talking to my solicitors they advised I went for it as judges rarely go against cafcass, I could have drawn it out but barrister said I could be seen as unreasonable. It's only because ex wanted to make more demands, such as a shared lives with order that the judge already so she wouldn't order that we are still actually waiting for a final hearing but because of covid it is a long way off and dd cannot wait or suffer anymore.

And with regards to your question embrace, ex hasn't spoken in court as he has a barrister but he is a professional in a very high paid job. I had my career but not worked since leaving my ex, I can't afford nursery on the salary I have and dd wouldn't be eligible for free hours so currently a full time mum. But I still come across well. Ex hasn't have anything over my apart from the mind games from years and years of psychological, sexual and emotional abuse. I'm getting better at standing my ground but for the first few hearings it's definitely took it's toll on me.

OP posts:

TeachesOfPeaches · 23/12/2020 06:31

@Concernedmama1 all the court stuff started when my son was 10 months old. My sons dad wanted 50/50 and took 2.5 years of going in and out of court for him to get 2 hours every other week. I think he was having supervised contact in a contact centre when my son was around 2. It took such a long time as many parties were involved eg Cafcass, social services, police, got a non molestation order etc.

I think if he took me back to court he would likely get overnights as my son is 5 now but I'm not offering it as my son hasn't shown any interest in more contact time.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 23/12/2020 06:39

I can understand why you are sending her op, you have to play the long game and be guided by the experts sadly.

In terms of covid, I don't think any court would use that as a reason to reverse residency, you are following the rules. Get a test so you have a paper trail. Keep the symptoms and dates documented too. Call his bluff and say ok see you in court in that case then.

Get well soon.

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 23/12/2020 10:27

@NeilBuchananisBanksy that's just it, playing the long game. Apart from now I have a health visitor saying they're concerned about dds behaviour. Ex won't do anything or engage in any help which for me knowing what he is like raises alarm bells. Along with dds behaviour, I just can't continue to put her in that sort of situation especially when ex refuses help.

@TeachesOfPeaches I don't blame you for not offering overnights. would you say ds not having overnights has affected his relationship with his dad? I think in my case because all of the abuse was emotional, sexual etc while it was all documented it's very hard to get anyone to do anything. I once had ex throw water in dds face when she was 8 months old because she was crying, he walked off laughing.. only thing I have to prove it took place was a text to my mum.

OP posts:

Embracelife · 23/12/2020 17:15

Latch onto hv report
Get referral to child psychologist/play therapist

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 23/12/2020 18:13

@Embracelife so ex is applying for change of residence in the new year and apparently dds behaviour with me is my issue not his.

OP posts:

Embracelife · 23/12/2020 22:35

And if there was change of residence you would get eow?
Is that his aim?
On what grounds?
Given he is the risk not you?

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 23/12/2020 23:19

@Embracelife, yes this is his aim that I get dd eow.

The grounds because I have now breached contact twice, last night and tonight and because I spoke to the health visitor regarding my concerns.

OP posts:

Embracelife · 23/12/2020 23:30

You are allowed to speak to whoever you want.
Seeking advice is good .
If you breached due to covid rules he has nothing
Let him bring these to court.

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 23/12/2020 23:54

@Embracelife yes but after self isolating I do intend on breach due to my safe guarding concerns. Ex isn't even remotely interested in dds behaviour or professionals advice which raises more red flags for me. I need to protect dd but I always don't want to then get told I unreasonably witheld contact and for there for be a change of residency based on that.

And I know I'm a good mum HV and GP have all witnessed it, I have a good support system, dd is due to start nursery in January but still the breaching bit scares me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 26/12/2020 12:11

For the past few days all ex has done is sent message after message saying he will be going for residency in the new year. Here I am thinking to myself 'get on with it then'. Stop messaging me, just do what you said you'd do, not asked how dd is but can send so many messages about this.

I have a feeling now it is all just threats on his part and that he isn't going to follow through. He done this to me before when he tried to get to drop some allegations, which I did at the time because I was so scared.. but I shall not continue to be bullied by a man that sees anything that happens to dd while not in his care as not his problem. A man that can't be bothered to see how she was after being rushed to hospital or to speak to the health visitor to find out what is going on with dds behaviour. He has such little care for her and i am becoming more convinced that this is more about me than it is about dd.

OP posts:

Embracelife · 26/12/2020 13:27

Indeed
Just ignore the noise

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 26/12/2020 18:53

Certainly trying to, he is complaining that information I send back in June is incomplete.. it's important info on dd. So important he has waited 6 months to ask for it and I don't even know what is missing. I might just say what part of it is incomplete as opposed to me having to go back and look.

OP posts:

TeachesOfPeaches · 26/12/2020 19:08

I would block him and tell him to only contact you via a new specific email address. Anything to do with court, just say you look forward to receiving the details via post.

Retiremental · 26/12/2020 21:44

Buy yourself a cheap PAYG phone and give him that as your new number. Keep it switched off unless DD is with him. Tell him to send any correspondence via your solicitor.

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 27/12/2020 00:07

Thank you pps, these are great suggestions to help me cope. That way at least I don't have to look at my phone and find it's something else from him. I just wish he would disappear.

OP posts:

Retiremental · 27/12/2020 17:49

It was such a relief and a way of taking back control when I did both phone and email.

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 16/01/2021 14:22

So he has applied for change of residence now, enforcement (I've applied to vary) and has issued a costs order against me.. he is getting his solicitor to send me a statement of his account in due course - third time he has done this with regards to the costs order.

Literally every hearing its something new, shares live with, live with, pso after pso, false allegations that's I can prove.. all over 3 hearings.

Not worried about the lives with, judge had said no to shared live with in last hearing and there is no safety concerns when it comes to me and HV, gp and nursery know I'm a good mum and dd is happy. Ex still not engaging with early help and although I offered weekly contact with his family present and video calls he has said no, oh and that each time I breach before the next hearing he is going to charge me.

So now I'm thinking about attempting to get a s91 (14), anyone ever applied for one? Id ask my solicitor but I want to keep my costs low now as I've got a private solicitor representing instead of legal aid.

OP posts:

dublingirl66 · 16/01/2021 14:29

Costs order against you ??

You pay his legal fees?

He sounds awful

My abuser put me through hell

Wish these fck wits could disappear

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 16/01/2021 14:50

@dublingirl66, exactly that, asking the judge to order me to pay all of his legal fees. Also tried to get an order to stop me discussing DD and him with other health professionals

OP posts:

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 16/01/2021 14:57

Can you speak to women's aid? They might be able to help. He sounds awful. I think you can get it written into any order that it can't be changed for a fixed period to stop court hearings over and over.

You could also try posting here in legal?

ApolloandDaphne · 16/01/2021 15:28

Has your DD had contact with him since before Christmas?

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 16/01/2021 15:37

@NeilBuchananisBanksy I have spoken to womens aid but got a private solicitor as the previous was rude and unhelpful.

@ApolloandDaphne, DD hasn't seen her dad since November. I'd been trying to vary the order but my old solicitor wouldn't agree to it because of funding. I have however got professionals written statements with regards to exp, I'm engaged with early help (ex has refused) and I have offered contact that I believe will be safe for DD until our hearing but this has been turned down

OP posts:

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