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Lone parents

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Original poster

Cancelling child maintenance

32 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 20/12/2020 03:10

If your ex is absent then should you claim child maintenance? I currently get £7 a week for four children it’s even been a battle to get that tbh, my ex refuses to work, quits jobs, works cash in hand, doesn’t claim benefits, Basically does what he can to avoid payments, he’s only just started the last 6 months paying £7 a month through cms. This is probably the longest he has ever paid consistently. However it’s obviously a pathetic amount and doesn’t pay for anything. I’ve decided to cancel cm as I’m just tired of the fight, he doesn’t want to see them and also doesn’t want to pay, I just think if someone doesn’t want to be in their lives then it’s pointless taking money from them. I’ve come to the conclusion that I should just cancel cm, he will never work, but I posted on another group and basically got told I would be wrong to cancel it, that it “adds up” yeh £7 really adds up and that I was basically “taking from my children” and it’s “their money not mine” but surely not everyone even claims child maintenance? Especially if their ex isn’t working etc, I can put £7 (or more) away for them myself into their account so not like they will be missing out on their riches, I just want a clean break, the £28 a month in my account just feels like an insult and I don’t see why I should be grateful to receive it (I basically got told I should be grateful because “some people get nothing” and “£7 over 10 weeks is £70”)

OP posts:

DobbyHP · 20/12/2020 03:17

Yes I'd cancel it.

£7 a month you receive and he will probably be crying the poor tale and be telling everyone that listens how he "provides" for his 4 children.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 20/12/2020 03:19

Hell no. I will fight until my dying day for their father to pay towards them. We both wanted them so why should he get to check out of providing!
Which reminds me I need to call CMS again and chase up my case.

FlatandFabulouslyFestive · 20/12/2020 03:20

I would cancel it. That amount is insulting and I wouldn't want your ex saying he pays CM.

SpaceRaiders · 20/12/2020 03:20

It’s so tricky knowing what to do. The system is ridiculous that for sure. I’m like you, although I have been getting a little more. He’s now unemployed again, basically he works for 6-8 months then takes another 6-8 months off between projects. It’s so pathetic baring in mind, I know he likely earns in excess of 6 figures. He conveniently went self employed too. It is what it is, I just can’t be dealing with CMS and I won’t be chasing after this.

chocolatespiders · 20/12/2020 03:26

The amount is insulting but I still think you should have it rather than him.
Sorry you are dealing with this.

DPotter · 20/12/2020 03:32

I get why you want to cancel - £7 is an insult to his kids.

However can I suggest looking at the situation in a slightly different way? You say he doesn't work or claim benefits, only works cash in hand - he must be having a really shitty time of it. Cash in hand work rarely attracts large amounts, so unless he has a 'sugar mama' to support he won't be living much of a life. All so he can wriggle out of paying for the up-keep of his kids, and making your life difficult, which of course is his real goal.

So keep on with the CM knowing his life is shit. Even let it be known into the ether that this is why you're keeping on with the CM, as he's cutting off his nose. It will get back to him eventually - 6 degrees of separation and all that. He won't have anywhere dissent to live, his social life will be slim, no pension building up so his 'retirement' won't be as comfortable as it could have been.

I look forward to the day when non-resident parents are social pariahs for not paying CM - I really do.

hospitalheist · 20/12/2020 03:40

Totally agree with @DPotter. The effort he has to go to to avoid paying is greater than your effort to get it. Yes it's a piss poor amount but if you stop claiming it he is free to live the high life.
My ex is going to conical lengths to avoid paying but the CMS (with me behind them making sure they act) are going to do an attachment to earnings from January. I don't need the money to live and it will be more than £7 but it is absolutely a point of principle. When my children are old enough I can say their dad had to be forced by the law of the land to pay for them, not that I cancelled any claim.

GlowingOrb · 20/12/2020 04:22

It’s not worth fighting to get him to pay, but I wouldn’t cancel. I’d leave it there, building up his arrears and hanging over his head. Maybe even let him start to sweat a bit about it. Anyone who abandons their children both practically and financially deserves a little torment.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 20/12/2020 04:24

When my children are old enough I can say their dad had to be forced by the law of the land to pay for them, not that I cancelled any claim.

I agree with this. Plus he can't ever claim he tried to pay and you didn't let him.

Charleyhorses · 20/12/2020 04:52

I had a great friend in similar circs. She left it running but linked it to a dedicated email address that she looked at infrequently. It was so little it made no practical difference to her. Of course the arsehole who avoided earning a wage and living a life just to avoid giving 18 percent of it to his children never knew this.

Oct18mummy · 20/12/2020 05:02

I never got anything from my daughters father he tried all the tricks not to pay so I get the fight is not worth it and your children will know that you did everything for them however on the flip side - he has this hanging over his head and should suffer the consequences, his circumstances could change meaning he should pay more. Don’t cancel just put to the back of your mind and forget about it. Let him continue to squirm he deserves that.

SnailortheWhale · 20/12/2020 05:35

@DPotter

I get why you want to cancel - £7 is an insult to his kids.

I look forward to the day when non-resident parents are social pariahs for not paying CM - I really do.

This, in spades. Leave it running so that he continues to cut his own nose off to spite his face. The impact on him of paying that £7 per week will cost him thousands per year and the irony is he’s clearly too thick or bitter to see that. And the point about what your kids hear when they grow up is important too. Don’t give him a chance to say you stopped him paying. Keep the bank statements showing the £7/week in case he tries to manipulate your children one day.

scotsllb · 20/12/2020 05:41

@DobbyHP

Yes I'd cancel it.

£7 a month you receive and he will probably be crying the poor tale and be telling everyone that listens how he "provides" for his 4 children.

I was going to claim and was told this was the amount, he avoided their phone calls and letter and I cancelled. I was not insulting my kids with this poxy amount of which he would still say he's "paying" for his kids.

TeachesOfPeaches · 20/12/2020 05:52

Incredible how a man can produce four children with one woman then stop seeing the children and refuse to pay for them! You must have been together for quite a significant amount of time.

I wouldn't cancel it, let him live his life working cash in hand.

slipperywhensparticus · 20/12/2020 05:58

I leave mine running it goes into a separate account so I don't see it to bother me iyswim let him work cash in hand jobs dodge on the dole etc one day he might grow up and get a real job my ex even stated he didn't think he should pay towards the divorce he proudly stated in the papers that he paid less than £7 for his children therfore paying for the divorce was on me.....they ruled he should pay half

Bing765 · 20/12/2020 06:07

Why go to the effort of cancelling it if it's already set up? I would just transfer £7 a month into each kids savings if you don't need the money.

hospitalheist · 20/12/2020 10:46

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander

When my children are old enough I can say their dad had to be forced by the law of the land to pay for them, not that I cancelled any claim.

I agree with this. Plus he can't ever claim he tried to pay and you didn't let him.

The best bit for me is he knows I don't need the money. I earn significantly more than him and have so much more disposable income without him like a millstone round my neck. It's obvious to him from mine and the children's lifestyle that we aren't struggling. Him staying in a very low wage job and investing his time in avoiding paying the small amount he should amuses me. It's worth the hour a month on the phone/portal to the CMS

lipsticklovley · 20/12/2020 11:00

I wouldn't cancel it.
Many years ago, my EXH refused point blank to pay Maintenence.
The claim was always active, he flitted from job to job, building arrears yet ignoring their requests for payment.
I worked like a lunatic to keep a roof over our heads and my child in warm coats and school uniform.
Fast forward 15 years later, and there was a charge placed on his house, court decided that he was to pay £19,000 or face repossession.
A last minute deal was struck and he had to pay £300 a month to me to clear the debt.
By this time my DC was at university, I had progressed in my career and didn't even need it.
But I took great joy in spending every penny that came my way, and knowing that each month he will have been utterly furious when it left his account.

Northernsoullover · 20/12/2020 11:03

My friends ex does this. Says its not worth him working because he has to pay CMS. As a PP said he's cutting his nose off to spite his face.

hospitalheist · 20/12/2020 11:29

@lipsticklovley

I wouldn't cancel it. Many years ago, my EXH refused point blank to pay Maintenence. The claim was always active, he flitted from job to job, building arrears yet ignoring their requests for payment. I worked like a lunatic to keep a roof over our heads and my child in warm coats and school uniform. Fast forward 15 years later, and there was a charge placed on his house, court decided that he was to pay £19,000 or face repossession. A last minute deal was struck and he had to pay £300 a month to me to clear the debt. By this time my DC was at university, I had progressed in my career and didn't even need it. But I took great joy in spending every penny that came my way, and knowing that each month he will have been utterly furious when it left his account.

I love this story! A friend of mine had the same years ago with the old CMA. Ex flitted from job to job and she had no idea if he was even alive or dead. Out of the blu about 15 years a later a check turned up for over £4 from the CMA and when she queried it it was built up arrears they eventually got out of him. They didn't tell her how. Anyway they went on a massive spending spree and had a fabulous holiday abroad.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 20/12/2020 13:17

Thanks for the comments, I don’t think he is cutting his nose of to spite his face as he gets money elsewhere he just doesn’t declare it so he is not purely living off benefits. When I’ve asked for maintenance in the past I got “you don’t have kids to get paid” when my children are older I can tell them I cancelled the claim because
It wasn’t worth £7 a week, I think they will understand that.

OP posts:

madcatladyforever · 20/12/2020 13:36

I would take the money personally. That's £364 a year, that's £91 per child at christmas. Useless for the rest of the year but £91 would buy a nice gift for a child and you wouldn't have to worry about the cost of christmas so much.

Snowsx · 20/12/2020 14:10

I feel for you, its an absolute fucking joke. My ex also was supposed to pay £7 a week which hes never actually paid and this has now dropped to a big fat £0 despite sending soooo much evidence that he is working full time. Its draining and I agree is an insult. Im not cancelling mine, im just letting it hang over his head to remind him what a C* he is. Also £7 does add up, takes a while mind but when he is forced to pay his arrears I can afford a nice family holiday on him and will take great pleasure in doing so after all my hard work raising my family alone. X

Ratbagcatbag · 20/12/2020 14:16

I'm with everyone else. Just let it keep going. It will infuriate him having to pay it. And at any point if his circumstances change then it will increase. He for now has to actively avoid better paying jobs to keep the payments low, if you cancel the claim he gets away freely. Leave it running, Put the money in savings. Yes it's paltry, but it does add up eventually.

timetest · 20/12/2020 14:42

I’d keep it going on principle even if it was 10 pence a month.

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