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Original poster

Police agree with stbxh

29 replies

clpsmum · 16/12/2020 12:00

I am actually at my wits end and a nervous wreck. I'm starting to think I'm crazy and just twisting everything to suit myself.

My dc and I have cut all contact with stbxh due to ongoing emotional/mental "abuse", gaslighting etc

So fa r this week he has confronted my 72yr old neighbour in a supermarket. He appeared agitated and unstable and was ranting and raving at her about me.

He's hacked into my youngest sons games console unblocked himself and sent him a message when it's been made clear through solicitors letter not to do this.

Sent me a YouTube link to a video basically accusing me of cutting my children off from their family, parental alienation and child abuse.

Sent me an email saying he is worried that I am mentally unstable and have narcissistic personality disorder.

Him and his entire family completely ignored and failed to acknowledge one of the DC birthdays at weekend.

On the advice of women and children first I reported to the police. They've just been lit and said basically no crime has been committed it's just a custody matter, my solicitor is clearly not versed in family law as going from their own personal experience know that she isn't advising me correctly and basically they've made me feel like shit and that I've completely wasted their time.

Have I? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? We've been separated three years if that makes any difference

OP posts:
Buzlightyear1 · 16/12/2020 12:51

Oh I am so sorry you are going through this. I’m in a similar situation, I’m actually scared to go completely no contact. And make it all legal as I’m scared he will get people in his side even though he’s on probation for mugging someone. I have just spoke to citizens advice about it and they advised me to start with flows as they help with no contact and non molston order. So I’ve just contacted them. It seams like you are more ahead than me though. I really hope someone who has more knowledge comes soon. It’s such a horrible thing to go through. Good luck

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 16/12/2020 12:54

Take a non molestation order out against him. Then if he carries on with this behaviour it is a crime and the police will have to deal with it. Sounds like you need to change lawyers.

Original poster
clpsmum · 17/12/2020 23:47

Thank you. @Buzlightyear1 sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. Feel free to message anytime you need to vent.

Spoke to women and children first today. They have advised me to change solicitors. Make a complaint about the officer that was out yesterday. Write down every incident I can think of that stbx has done and speak to domestic abuse police team to report it as historical and try and get him charged to put bail conditions in place and be awarded non harassment order. Feeling a little overwhelmed but stronger than yesterday

OP posts:
Lucy830 · 18/12/2020 01:34

What sort of things has he been doing, can you give some examples of what finally pushed you to cease access?

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 18/12/2020 01:53

What is his current legal status with regards to the children? Does he have visitation rights, have you been to court?

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 18/12/2020 01:56

Unless there’s another situation behind all of this it does sound like this is a custody matter? I don’t understand the situation about being upset with him contacting child, but also upset with him not acknowledging birthday?

Original poster
clpsmum · 18/12/2020 07:14

I was more upset that none of his family acknowledged he'd my DC birthday. Maybe it is a custody matter and I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill. I don't actually even know any more.

No court order in place because apparently he has to take me to court to get access and he is ignoring all of my solicitors letters.

OP posts:
Original poster
clpsmum · 18/12/2020 07:17

@Lucy830 my solicitor advised to stop contact to try and force him to set some kind of legal agreement in place for access.

He stopped access and said he didn't want to see them anymore the changed his mind. He's done this every couple of weeks for the past three years so this time I enforced it as it wasn't fair on the children.

When they were at his hour he was lying to them, gaslighting them and calling me names and manipulating them. Letting them stay up until 2/3am, no personal hygiene routines followed.

OP posts:
Hellotheresweet · 18/12/2020 07:18

To be brutally honest
No, it doesn’t sound concerning.

He has sent his son a message.
He’s sent you a video about patient alienation
Sent you an email accusing you of what you’re essentially him accusing him of in this OP
Didn’t do anything for birthdays but presumably this is what you wanted if you’d ordered no contact

Hellotheresweet · 18/12/2020 07:18

Ans the family not acknowledging the birthdays has nothing to do with him.

inquietant · 18/12/2020 07:18

Spoke to women and children first today. They have advised me to change solicitors. Make a complaint about the officer that was out yesterday. Write down every incident I can think of that stbx has done and speak to domestic abuse police team to report it as historical and try and get him charged to put bail conditions in place and be awarded non harassment order.

Follow this advice and try to de-stress wherever possible Flowers

Original poster
clpsmum · 18/12/2020 07:34

@Hellotheresweet I've never accused him of being mentally unstable or having NPD

OP posts:
Jessbow · 18/12/2020 07:51

How old are your children?

What part of what is/isn't happening is a police matter? What did you want them to do/say?

Hazelnutlatteplease · 18/12/2020 08:05

I too am not sure what is a police matter. Unless theres a massive drip feed

You or your solicitor can ask him to do stuff. He doesn't have to do it. Unless its in a court order. Him making contact with he son when your solicitor has told him not to is not a police matter

Your son has a right to communicate with his dad. Blocking his dad on a games console if they use that as a means of socialising leaves you wide open to allegations of parental alienation.

Just tread carefully. Set yourself up in case it lands in court

Are the kids currently having or not having contact? It's not clear from your post

movingonup20 · 18/12/2020 08:14

Unless there is abuse towards the children parents are generally granted access, possibly in a contact centre or facilitated through a relative. To refuse contact with their father puts you in a very tricky position because it makes you look like the controlling, vindictive one. I would get yourself better advice that's neutral. Write down clearly what you think he's down that's abusive (not arguments, not refusing to talk to you - actual abuse that the court would consider). Divorcing couples often end up hating each other and using the kids to control the situation, the police are very aware hence their comment. You don't say what he had done, be honest - normal break up stuff or abuse?

I'm going through divorce currently, I get it, but I'm very aware of the temptation to use the kids to get what I want (and am not)

Original poster
clpsmum · 18/12/2020 08:29

I don't even know anymore tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
clpsmum · 18/12/2020 08:29

Children not in contact with him which is their choice

OP posts:
Hazelnutlatteplease · 18/12/2020 08:30

How old are the kids? On what basis have they decided they dont want to see him?

Hazelnutlatteplease · 18/12/2020 08:33

Even my DD who was physically injured by her dad still wanted to see him, or at least her family from that side. She wanted it it to be safe though, which it wasnt. Most kids want their dad when left to their own devices. There got to be something pretty extreme to change that

Blendiful · 18/12/2020 10:13

Agree with the others here. Sounds like a custody/solicitor matter and not a police matter.

Not saying he behaviour is acceptable to approach a neighbour and say bad things to the children but it isn’t really tipping over into police matters.

Sounds like your ideas of parenting differ and so access has been stopped. So really the only person who can decide if he is good enough to see them and parent them is the court. But he will likely avoid this as its costly hence likely the other behaviour (again not saying that’s right but it’s not uncommon).

You can initiate court proceedings yourself over access you do not have to wait for him.

thelegohooverer · 18/12/2020 10:15

This isn’t my tip but I’m passing it on. Get one of those page a day diaries, preferably a4 sized.

Write each incident against the relevant date. If he emails, print it out and staple it onto the relevant day. Write down the youtube link on the date that he sent it.

There’s a sense of “dealing with it” by filing/logging the incidents this way. It helps to detach a little. Even when you’re in the midst of it, a part of your mind will be thinking about putting it in the book. It’s mildly therapeutic.

And when it comes to speaking with police, solicitors and judges, it’s a huge advantage to have neatly collated evidence rather than a lot of he said-she said stories to try and understand.

goldielockdown2 · 18/12/2020 10:30

This is what I did with my ex: I offered contact on reasonable terms and he could take or leave it. He would never have gone down the court route, he doesn't have it in him so DD would've missed out if I'd cut contact.
Your ex sounds like he's making contact as he wants to see his children, the ways he was made contact are related to being deprived of a relationship with them. I'm sure he's a prick, so is my ex but that's who I had a child with so I facilitated contact for their sake.

Original poster
clpsmum · 18/12/2020 11:22

He is not being deprived of a relationship with his children. He can ask his solicitor to send me letter stating times and dates or send me an email himself saying the same but he refuses. He also does not wish any contact t with his disabled child which frankly I find disgusting

OP posts:
Original poster
clpsmum · 18/12/2020 11:24

I have maybe dropped but the back story too long and wouldn't bore anybody tbh. Thanks for your advice everyone it's appreciated

OP posts:
Hellotheresweet · 18/12/2020 11:46

How old are your children?

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