Just had solicitor's letter

[wirral]

Hi. You may know from previous posts that I have an 'issue' with the time that my ex returns our daughter. He is supposed via court order to return her at 6.30pm but wants a 'window' of return time between 6.30pm and 7pm to suit him. For example when he is in work at 7pm he will return her at 6.30pm and when not in work it will be nearer 7pm. I will not agree this as to me it seems like he is using me like a babysitter etc.

I've just had a letter from his solicitors stating that I causing our daughter anguish by not allowing him his window of return time and that I am putting pressure on her by being annoyed with her Dad when he is late returning her.

As an aside ex has had daughter for half of this half term as it is his birthday and I assumed he'd want to see her. ( last year he went away with his mates). I was supposed to have this holiday myself with her.

Any suggestions? I am just really upset. We should be able to 'get on' but he pushes the boundaries all the time

you need to get your solicitor to reply.

i dont think it unreasonable for their to be a window of half an hour, even if it is for teh sake of traffic or any other hold up.

he is being very agressive legally so you need to make sure you reply from your own solicitor.

I think it is important to pick your battles. You really think half an hour is worth going to court over?

It seems this is more about you and him, than about him dropping off your daughter more flexibly.

If she's just coming home, there's no appointment and she's not going to be late for anything - it really doesn't matter.

I don't think having an 'about' instead of a fixed appointment (iysiwm) to return his child to you, is him not getting on with you.

Far better to be relaxed about this and save the fighting for something that affects your daughter - because the wouldn't except for you getting cross about it.

He wants to see his daughter - you only need to read the many posts on here where the man runs and the kids don't see him for dust.

Why create difficulties over something so daft as 30 minutes?

I do think you need to allow some leeway in the return time. Expecting someone to turn up "on the dot" every week is a little unreasonable.

However, getting a solicitor on to the matter seems a little extreme too.

Just write back stating that he did not argue for a "window" when the order was granted (if he did, then point out that the court still didn't grant it) and you are just trying to ensure that the order is complied with. Point out that you are being reasonable in allowing him extra time because of his birthday, when the court order does not stipulate this, so you feel his attitude is a trifle aggressive.

they always do this when they aren't getting what they want, bloody solicitors letters, just to scare you.

Thing is, it is only half an hour. Annoying for you I assume becuas eits the 'principle' that he is trying to go back on an agreed order. yet don't for your peace of mind and stress, and good self, bother fighting over it. It won't be worth it.

Don't reply with a solicitoprs letter, if you r going to have to pay for it. Just say to him, ok, but no later than seven.

It will just be easier, he will have got what he wants, which I know really can be annoying, but at the end of the day its not really a huge thing.

Preserve your energy, and think to yourself, 'yeah whatever'.!!!

Ok -thanks all. I'll take the window of 30 minutes on board and ensure that I have a window of 30 minutes when he is going to work at 7pm- perhaps I'll make sure I'm not home until 7pm

wirral I would reply to the solictor stating that your ex is causing anguish for your daughter by not sticking to the routine agreed time of 6.30pm, I think 7pm is too late to be dropped off when a child has school the next day, I think this is all about control especially as he can drop her off on time when it is convenient to him.

I've just had a letter from his solicitors stating that I causing our daughter anguish by not allowing him his window of return time and that I am putting pressure on her by being annoyed with her Dad when he is late returning her.

I would just write back yourself

Dear sir/madam.

Thank you for your letter dated blah.

I suggest that ex keeps to time as this then stops any anguish.

yours sincerely

name.

It is your ex's problem not yours put it back in his court. They are not gona take you to court for him being bad at time keeping are they? Well if they did they would look a bit stupid.

don't know about the history but if you don't like the window idea can I suggest you write back stating

On the days you are working the 6.30pm drop is to be remain as per the court agreement. If you are not working I am happy to agree to a later drop off at 6.45/6.50pm - provided I am notified in advance.

I'm not sure why you object - is it because you feel like you wil be hanging around from 6.30pm waiting for him to do as he feels?

I do think arriving back on the dot of 6.30pm is tricky and a bit anal if you make waves if someone is late...but I don't know if he's being doing so on purpose as part of a power game?

Is 30 mins really worth this anguish?

My kids arrive home on a sunday after a night with dad anytime between 3pm and 5pm, we don't have a latest time he can turn up but no earlier than 3pm

Sounds like 2 people just being awkward for the sake of being awkward and all of it will affect the child in middle, even if you think it is hidden

I think that I'd like to try to explain as I can see that 30 minutes can seem like a daft amount of time to be arguing about.

The problem first surfaced during the Summer Holidays - this is a really difficult time as ex wants 3 weeks and daughter (7 years old) doesn't want to go for 3 weeks. Ex organised splitting the 3 weeks into 6 day periods.However he didn't / wouldn't tell me when he was bringing her back. I therefore had to take day off work not knowing whether daughter would be returned am or pm.

With regard to the current 'normal' drop off arrangements. Ex sees daughter from school Mon, Tues and Fri every week. (He also has weekend overnights when his shifts allow). He is to return her at 6.30pm which he never does. He wants to keep her to quote his email ' for as long as it takes her to finish watching her television programme or finish playing with her friends'. By this token when ex picked her up at 10.10am last Friday I should have asked him to wait until she had finshed watching Art Attack.

I do not object to being late for traffic reasons etc.

I work fulltime and need to know what time daughter is going to be home inorder to fit in shopping/ working etc.

I think 7pm is too late for her to be returned on school nights. Bearing in mind I have to do homework with her as ex never does.

I have taken on board the fact that daughter is getting upset by our arguing over her late return and I now go to pick her up on every occasion.

I am really concerned that this will affect daughter in long run and have tried to find a solution.

Under what you've just explained he is being a w**r.

At 7 years old 6.30pm on is really the latest that is okay as she needs to unwind etc before bed at presumably around 7pm.

As you are now picking her up anyway what on earth is he going on about!!!!!!!!

I have completely flexible arrangements with my ex and always has have but we both have her interests at heart and not point scoring and being a twunt like your ex is being.

Ah - you see. I've just been watching tele and dwelling on all the replies to my posts. I can totally see how arguing over half an hour seems pathetic but I wanted to try to put it into context with everything else and see if it changed peoples' opinions.

I am at a loss what to do. A bit of me thinks just give up. Let him have his half an hour window. I so want to be at the stage where we could have a cup of tea together or at least talk civilly. I do try but get totally blanked.

I suspect that he tells his mates and probably his solicitor as well that I am making a fuss about being a few moments late after being stuck in traffic. I have kept his emails so could prove it if needed to.

But it is pathetic isn't it? Just rise above it Wirral, rise above it

See now that's a bit different and it's not just half an hour, is it? It is a pattern of messing you about in trivial ways designed to (?) ... irritate you without being something you could object to without seeming petty - as indeed you did in your op when you did not explain further!

Now I'd change my mind on my initial reply to you and say that you need some rules and timings and CERTAINLY to know what day your daughter is to be returned to you!

And if 6 days is too much for her, he should put her feelings first and break it up even more.

So now I'd say you have something real to sort out.

don't you wish you'd said all the probs in your op!!

It's very different asking for half an hour window at one drop off a week but 3-5 drop offs per week when she already comes back late is unreasonable.

The best advice I ever got from a solicitor (about my ex's ex wife who was a bit of nutter) was "give them enough rope and they hange themselves" which she completely did.

Perhaps say "yes absolultely fine but dd needs to do her homework before she is returned in that cse "

Gosh - there's more but it will probably make boring reading. It's all along similar lines

The thing is that all this is very annoying but there doesn't seem much that I can do about it. I have identified problem and I though solved it by arranging pick ups myself only to today receive solicitor's letter.

I realised that ex's birthday fell in a period during which I have access therefore arranged that we split the half term in order that he could see her.

Summer holidays are a real nighmare and I dread them. I have absolutely no idea how to find a solution for that problem

But in his defence and someone has identified it in a post below ex is keen, very keen to see his daughter. I wish that I could ask him if he thought about the consequence of his actions when he left and whether he felt it has been worth it.

In part I think he is being a bit of a typical bloke, he is probably not seeing that your dd will probably always feel a bit of an emotional pull when it's time to go back to Mum. He hasn't thought through that she has to come home, unwind/adjust from seeing him, do homework and have bedtime routine.

Honestly tell him an half an hour slot is fine but on school the next day nights the slot will need to be 6-6.30pm but that hopefully in a couple of years time when she needs less sleep you would be happy to move it to 6.30-7pm and then list all the reasons why it's in dds interests to be home by 6.30pm and that you do agree it's nicer parenting to allow her to finishing watchin programmes etc.

I would say he is trying have some control over your daughter (your as in his and yours)

I know alot of men feel that their role as a father is taken away and the mother has all cards

Sometimes, if you give the control back (by biting your tongue and letting him have some of what he wants) he will eventually give in as he no longer needs to assert anything (does that make sense) A friend of mine fought and fought all her exes trivial demands then she tried my way. Her ex very quickly stopped making any demands

I feel for all in these situations, technically you both have the right to say how your daughter spends her allotted time when with each of you, but it can become a competition, due to bad feeling between each other.

I would give him that 30 mins, but sort out a reasonable time frame for both of you for other times, maybe an hour leeway but no more (like my 2 hours on sundays

I agree about letting him have what he wants just so the battle stops and then you win the war - I think he will give up and then you may better be able to discuss with him what will suit dd best.

I think thats what I meant, based on your op, just say, ok, and shrug it off, and they soon think, 'oh ' and he'll prob start bringing her home more on time than ever.

I know how it feels, they can really wind you up, and you feel like ,'no way' you are not having anything your way, becuase you you are taking the piss out of me. Yet if its not one thing its another. I too would love to know where me and ex stand, and that we could both be on the same side regarding our dd, but I think, he does have control issues, but how can we help it when they have buggered off and the dc's live with us.

this is all about control wirral and it wont stop there, you agree to 7pm and then he will still bring her back towards 7.30pm cause he wants to watch emmerdale, I wouldnt back down as you need to nip it in the bud, if he feels that he is going to be back late cause of the traffic then he should leave earlier, I bet he wouldnt come out with the same line if it meant him being late for work

It depends on your own schedule.

Personally, I don't think a "window" of half an hour is unreasonable if it is at a time when you are usually at home.

However, if it is at a busy time (return from work for example) it can be very difficult to manage.

I have had this issue over return of my stepsons from their mother's (via the nanny as drop off person) and got very tense when I had to hang around at home when I had other things to do.

havent read all replies so hope im not repeating anyone

i would take this as an opportunity to address all the issues you currently have. my sol said it is not uncommon for people to return to court several times as they arrange contact which works then the child gets older and it doesnt work. you have to be flexible.

you also do not need your own solicitor. i did it myself last time, just make sure you stand up for yourself!

write a very calm letter to his sol explaining that there are several issues you would like to discuss. list your problems and the reasons why these are problems along with the solutions you would like. you could say that you want to stick to either 6.30 or 7 rather than some random time in between and you want to know a week in advance (or whatever is realistic). you can also say you want to know what is happening with summer hols well in advance (we do it by the end of oct) as you can then plan hollidays. finish the letter with a note about how you would like to keep things civil but you dont want to carry on being unable to plan ahead. you are willing to negotiate and would like an agreement outside court which you can stick to for a trial period (maybe a year).

then come here and tell us all what a *&$% he is rather than saying it to his face

Ha! I like the advice peskiepixie.

Do you really think that I could do this without a solicitor?

I would really like to get all the contact issues sorted out. To be honest I had hoped that by going to court we would stop the arguing and start to become more amicable. It hasn't happened as we are deviating so much from the court order.

I am loathe to give into the window of bringing back time as I don't think that it is just a one off. I doubt that he will be able to give a week's notice as I think he just wants it as and when convenient. For example he had daughter for first half of half term but only texted me yesterday morning when I was due to pick her up at 7pm to ask if I could pick her up at 7.30pm. The thing is I wouldn't mind so much if he had a problem getting back from somewhere etc but when I picked up daughter he was just watching tele and they hadn't been out all day apart from for a swim.

Now that aside. What should I do regarding the holidays? Daughter 8years old. Ex wants half the hols. I have no problem with this ( well, I do as I will miss her but I know that she is his daughter too). I think 3 weeks is too long away and I KNOW that daughter won't go for 3 weeks. I would like him to have 2 weeks ( ideally separate weeks but I suspect this may be unreasonable) with the option of extending this to 3 weeks in the future when she gets older. We could do a week about etc but I don't want to offer this as I want a 2 week holiday with daughter.

Thanks all again.

I don't think a half hour window for a return time is unreasonable at all, sorry.

What is the precise wording of the court order?