Just had solicitor's letter

[wirral]

Hi. You may know from previous posts that I have an 'issue' with the time that my ex returns our daughter. He is supposed via court order to return her at 6.30pm but wants a 'window' of return time between 6.30pm and 7pm to suit him. For example when he is in work at 7pm he will return her at 6.30pm and when not in work it will be nearer 7pm. I will not agree this as to me it seems like he is using me like a babysitter etc.

I've just had a letter from his solicitors stating that I causing our daughter anguish by not allowing him his window of return time and that I am putting pressure on her by being annoyed with her Dad when he is late returning her.

As an aside ex has had daughter for half of this half term as it is his birthday and I assumed he'd want to see her. ( last year he went away with his mates). I was supposed to have this holiday myself with her.

Any suggestions? I am just really upset. We should be able to 'get on' but he pushes the boundaries all the time

Well colditz we will have to agree to disagree.

Freckle the court order states:

the applicant mother shall make the child... available for contact with the respondent father as follows:

During termtime on a 6 weekly rota

Week 1 from school on monday until 6.30pm

etc etc

i used a solicitor to help me with court documents but i did all the corresponding with xps sol myself and i went to all the court dates on my own, and i got what i wanted! however the first few times i did it his sol seemed to think they would tell me what to do and i would do it but they soon realised that wasnt the case. you do not have to go to court to sort out issues, not every couple does. remember court is supposed to be a last resort not the first place you run to. if you get it all in writing between you and the sol then say you want to stick to it and he doesnt you have more evidence if it does go to court. just be wary of legal speak - i think the phrase without prejudice at the top of a letter means the letter cannot be used as evidence (no idea why, im not a sol!). other than that i have not come across anything too scary and as long as you are reasonable i cant see how it could harm things to do it yourself.

we have equal time in hols but not 3 weeks in a chunk. what about every other week or 2 weeks and 1 week? my kids are 8 and under so age not a problem imo. i agree that a half hour window isnt unreasonable (as long as he doesnt mind that you are half an hour late occasionally) but i can see why its annoying.

Peski - Thanks.

Does your ex get exactly half the holidays? Does he get 3 weeks in the Summer? How do you split the half terms and Christmas?
What about for example if we split Easter but then one of us decides that we want to take daughter away for the two weeks?

Also I think you have more than one child? This makes a difference to their attitude in my opinion as they have each other for support. Daughter is only child and ex has no family or friends that daughter feels close to.

Then you need to reply to his solicitor, pointing out that you are only complying with the court order. State that you are perfectly willing to be flexible when necessary, but not for him to change the return time on a whim or when it suits him. Describe the incident where he asked you to turn up 30 minutes later than agreed for no reason as he had been home at the original time and was not doing anything in particular to warrant a change of time. State that you feel this is unacceptable manipulation on his part. Point out that you have been flexible (detail his having her over half-term because it was his birthday) and that you will continue to be so provided he shows consideration for you and doesn't expect you to change your plans at the last minute just because he feels like it. You will of course accept that sometimes traffic can upset the best laid plans but, on a Sunday evening, you don't expect this to be a regular problem.

we have exactly half of each holiday, alternate half terms and arrange it all by end of oct for next year. i do have more than one but they dont both stay at his house as they dont both like him very much lol, they are closer to his parents than him and tbh i am happier for them to see them as i know they look after them better. if she isnt close to his family maybe you could make a point of calling before bed in the evening? i arrange holidays round the times i have the kids, if you want to go for 2 weeks then arrange that when you do the rest of the contact dates. i guess its up to you and him what works best.

I am really liking this idea Peski. Am filled with enthusiasm. I may email him to see what he thinks. My solicitor is keen on altering the court order but this makes more sense to me to agree a plan annually.
Now for some more advice - should I email my suggestions or ask him to email me his? I don't want to appear to be dictating.

I think the hols will always be hard but perhaps I just need to suck it and see. Daughter is ok with my ex but I think that she finds it difficult to be away from me and perhaps not as entertaining as home. I don't really like phoning her when she's at his as I think that I may upset her and make her more homesick. Again perhaps I could try it and see what happens.

I do know that a 30 min window is not unreasonable but it would happen so often as ex sees daughter 3 times a week. He would never give me notice and I need to know whether I can shop or work late etc. I actually think that this is resolved now as I do the picking up.

i send the suggestions because he cant be bothered to sit down with a calendar! if he wants to change something we fiddle with the dates til we are both happy. you could always say its up to him whether you work it out or he does, i dont think it matters as i dont dictate to him anyway he gets a say aswell.

im not saying listen to me over your sol of course, she knows more than i do but if you agree this and he doesnt stick to it (get it in writing that he says he will!) then you would have more ammo for court anyway. hope the pick up thing works out for you, sounds like its better you collecting

half my post disappeared there - can your dd call you if she feels the need? if she is bored would you drop extra stuff off half way through the week? i know thats more work for you but maybe til she gets used to things it might help. my ds didnt want to go to see his dad last time but he had a fab time when he got there. i think the worst bit is the going

I think my only hesitation over this is that ex may see it as an opportunity to gain more contact with daughter. I know that this is admirable but I do need to see her as well.

I will spend some time looking over the dates of hols and special occasions for the next twelve months including pick up and drop off times, I'll go into as much detail and try to cover everything so that hopefully no arguements happen or anything gets misconstrued. I'll let you know how it goes.

Re the holidays. The hardest thing is probably the going as you say. I feel so sorry for daughter but I acknowledge he needs to see her as well. The problem last year was that she went for a week then came home for a few days then would only go for 6 days at the end of the hols. Therefore he missed out on about a week. Perhaps if we do the fortnight first it may be easier for her.

Thanks again. Much appreciated