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Original poster

Son is asking about his dad

32 replies

HallieJohn97 · 07/12/2020 13:01

My son is 5 and asking about his dad.
His dad is my bilogocial brother who forced himself on me. I left home at 18 and had my son, not been home since.
My mum died when I was young, dad was/is a neglectful abusive alcoholic.
I'm 25 now and raising him alone, my brother found me and is demanding to meet his son and demanding access.
I never reported it as I was scared. I just left.
Not sure what to do.
Can't go to the police, how would I prove that he forced me?

OP posts:
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 13:05

Dna would prove him a rapist. Can't imagine many girls agreeing to sleep with a brother.. So sorry this happened to you op. If reporting him protects your ds then try and find real life support and speak to the police. You have done nothing to be ashamed of.

winterspiced · 07/12/2020 13:23

It is a very stressful situation for you. Would your GP be able to help? Would they know of anywhere you could go for support?

Original poster
HallieJohn97 · 07/12/2020 13:24

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

Dna would prove him a rapist. Can't imagine many girls agreeing to sleep with a brother.. So sorry this happened to you op. If reporting him protects your ds then try and find real life support and speak to the police. You have done nothing to be ashamed of.
He always said that he'd claim it was conseual. Every time. I didn't want to be found, moved away out of London but he found me and saw I had had a baby. He said he has a right to see him and be in his life. I'm getting serious anxiety about this. Can't sleep
OP posts:
Original poster
HallieJohn97 · 07/12/2020 13:25

@winterspiced

It is a very stressful situation for you. Would your GP be able to help? Would they know of anywhere you could go for support?
I could tell him but then they'd talk to the police and I don't want them involved as I don't want him to come after me.
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SayakaMurata · 07/12/2020 13:28

Please call someone who can help and advice. So the police, your GP, Women's Aid, anyone.

You have been raped and are now being stalked and threatened. You deserve some help and support.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 13:29

No police officer or court would believe his version op...
He is a rapist. And also guilty of coercive control which is now an offence in itself...

unebaguettepastropcuite · 07/12/2020 13:30

OP, you can't consent to incest, it's illegal. I think you should speak to the police, even if you don't press charges, so they can offer you the support you need. You probably alos need to let social services know, so they can help you protect your child. Please get some support

Ginger1982 · 07/12/2020 13:31

If he isn't on the birth certificate then he has no automatic rights and would have go to court to get him. Stand strong and don't allow this. Please go to the police, incest is illegal and they will believe you.

DowntonCrabby · 07/12/2020 13:32

How connected are you to the area?

I’d be considering moving hundreds of miles away and starting again.

TicTacTwo · 07/12/2020 13:56

Do you know how he found you? Can you cut all ties with your life right now, change your name and move again?

chocolateoranges33 · 07/12/2020 14:21

Please seek some support for yourself as well as your little one. Youve been through an awful trauma. Can you perhaps reach out to your GP or Womans aid?

FabulousIAm · 07/12/2020 14:47

You need to get very far away from him. In many countries, including the UK rapists have the right to have access to information about their children - he could apply to the courts for PR and would therefore have the same responsibilities to his child as any other parent. As someone who has been through the family courts (albeit not this situation) I know just how illogical and unfair they can be. The courts allow rapists and paedophiles access to their children, even if they have abused their own children ( I have first-hand experience of this with cafcass workers themselves telling me that they do). They firmly believe that it is better to have a rapist or paedophile or murderer in a child's life than no father at all. Change your name and the name of the child and move. Also, get support via counselling but be very careful with whom as they will have a duty to report what you are saying to social services. It doesn't matter that incest is a crime - he may very well be allowed to see the child.

nocoolnamesleft · 07/12/2020 14:58

Regarding duty to report. That would only apply if there is a current risk (especially to a child). You being victim of a historical crime, with no child currently at risk from your brother, would not justify breach of confidentiality.

Original poster
HallieJohn97 · 07/12/2020 17:28

I would love to move to Canada. It seems nice. I don't really have the money or ability right now. I might change my name and move elsewhere for now.
As for how he found me, I don't know but it may be that someone told someone who told someone who told him. They don't know what he did so they are not to blame.

I'm worried that he'll take my son that I'll be powerless. He was always stronger and if he turns up with a friend then I'll be more so. Also I'm worried that he'll do something to mee again.

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Original poster
HallieJohn97 · 07/12/2020 17:30

I don't want to report him for him to say it was my idea.
Illegal or not, how do I prove he did it by force multiple times and that the last time resulted in my son?

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Original poster
HallieJohn97 · 07/12/2020 17:30

Also I'm struggling with how to explain this to my little boy

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justchecking1 · 07/12/2020 17:41

You asked originally about explaining things to your son. 5 is way too young to be given any of this information.

I would probably go with telling him his father had died or something. I've no idea whether that's the best approach or not

Lizadork · 07/12/2020 19:33

Wondering whether some place like women's centre might be able to offer some advice/room to talk. If you can disappear again, I would do that. Right now he is using threat to met and have access to your son but he might be unwilling to actually openly admit he is the father of his sister's child. In a way, that goes in your favour as you can run for it without him being able to pursue legal channels though he might claim he will - the difference is, would he actually want to legally put himself at risk and have this social stigma crime attached to him? He hasn't in 5 years so there is a high chance he won't.

As for your child, keep it simple, something like - "daddy was a bad man. He hurt mummy. To keep us safe he is not allowed to be near". Kids are really good at accepting the truth in little doses over time. I think it is important that you let him have a realistic view of the situation but in child appropriate way over time. You arent alone in having difficulty trying to explain origins to their child, especially when dealing with own trauma too, just know kids are really adaptable and they are capable of handling anything with love/support/time/honesty. Hiding it means later it might be a bigger shock for your son, small doses of truth over time better x

Lizadork · 07/12/2020 19:49

If you feel comfortable with this, even at some point showing child a photo of him and a first name maybe.

That way not all a question mark which might spark more curiosity. I would give child appropriate answers to your son about this only when he asks. Try not to over dwell with him and go on too much, short and simple x

AlternativePerspective · 07/12/2020 19:55

IMO you have two choices, and before I say any more I just want to say that there is no question that he is a hideous individual and that you would be well within your rights to report him for rape.

However, if you genuinely don’t feel you can, then I would simply tell him that the baby isn’t his. He will find it very difficult to convince a court that he fathered his sister’s child without having to admit to incest and by definition rape. So the second choice would in effect allow the first choice to also happen, iyswim.

AlternativePerspective · 07/12/2020 19:56

As for what you tell your DS, I agree with a PP you should just tell him that daddy was a bad person and because of that you don’t see him any more.

Original poster
HallieJohn97 · 07/12/2020 20:36

@AlternativePerspective

IMO you have two choices, and before I say any more I just want to say that there is no question that he is a hideous individual and that you would be well within your rights to report him for rape.

However, if you genuinely don’t feel you can, then I would simply tell him that the baby isn’t his. He will find it very difficult to convince a court that he fathered his sister’s child without having to admit to incest and by definition rape. So the second choice would in effect allow the first choice to also happen, iyswim.

I could do this though I know that he is the father. In the time that he did what he did I did do things with other boys but mostly it was protected. He did coerce me a few times to sleep with his friends so I could tell him that one of them is the father. Even though I know for sure that he himself is
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Lizadork · 07/12/2020 21:18

If mostly protected then still a chance father could be one of his friends. If i were you - once this has settled down a bit I would do an ancestry DNA test on child under a fake name (and everything can be set to private until you want to look and then set back to private) as this might help determine if indeed your son's parents are related. Wonderful group called DNA detectives on facebook that could help you understand process, how to hide results/delete results/investiagw results, and help determine if number of shared DNA/matchea does indicate parents related. Use a fake name/username for yourself and child. If you test too, if will automatically sort matches of mothers side and fathers side. Something to consider.

Lizadork · 07/12/2020 21:28

Ancestry DNA is really a good x

AlternativePerspective · 07/12/2020 21:40

I could do this though I know that he is the father. but he doesn’t need to know that.

All you need to tell him is that the baby wasn’t his. He would be very stupid if he thought he could go to court for access based on the fact he is the child’s uncle, and he can’t admit to being the child’s father because of everything else he would have to admit to.

Sometimes these lies are worth telling. Iyswim.