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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Boyfriend won’t accept I’m pregnant

44 replies

Laurajohnson1981 · 03/12/2020 11:06

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while now and things have been amazing, we were so happy together. We never really discussed children in depth but he always said he wasn’t bothered, I always said it it happens it happens but I knew for medical reasons there was a chance I might not be able to conceive. I was on the pill anyway but have obviously made a mistake as I have fallen pregnant. I’m also 39 so I know this could never happen to me again so I really don’t want to rush into any decisions but my heart is telling me that I have to keep it. My boyfriend is now adamant that he does not and never will want children. After just one day he has told me that if I do keep it he won’t have anything to do with it so therefore we will also have to break up. I feel like I am being made to choose between him and my baby. I know that he is in shock and he is a very stubborn and sometimes selfish person but he’s also usually so loving and caring but I just feel like he’s not caring or thinking about me at all and I don’t know if he’ll ever come round to the idea. I am completely heartbroken that I have lost him but I know that even if I didn’t go ahead with it now I’d never be able to be back with him. All I am doing at the moment is crying and mourning the end of our relationship and I should I’ve focussing on my pregnancy. Did anybody else ever deal with anything like this when they first fell pregnant? Did your partners come around once they’d had time to get over the shock?

OP posts:
xmasnc2020 · 03/12/2020 11:53

Wow, that's a lot to take in. I'm glad your baby has you. I'd say there's a fair chance he's in total shock and will come around, but who knows.

Will you be ok going it alone if you had to? Are you financially and emotionally secure? Door have good family/friends support?

xmasnc2020 · 03/12/2020 11:54

Also, as I may be one of the first to say it... congratulations!!!

cactusdog · 03/12/2020 11:58

Congratulations OP!

Well I think he has showed his true colours. He may well be in shock but if he doesn't come round and really make it up to you then he is not worth it.

Do you think he feels you trapped him and had the baby through either user error or on purpose?

Babies are just fantastic, it might be very hard to go it alone but it'll be worth it xx

JemimaTiggywinkle · 03/12/2020 11:59

Hello,
I’m afraid I don’t have any experience of this, just commenting to bump it up the list so hopefully someone who does have something useful to say will see it.

I think you have to be prepared to make your decision assuming you will be a single parent.

LRHRN · 03/12/2020 12:03

@Laurajohnson1981 I can't imagine what you are going through at the moment and how mixed your emotions must be.
I think you need to come to terms with that fact that your relationship is over, he may come around but would you really want to be with someone who has put you through this and basically told you to have an abortion or you'll split up??
Like you say at 39yo you may not get this chance again and as I'm sure you're aware your risk factors increase the older that you get.
I think you are very brave and will be completely fine raising a baby alone and if your partner decides he wants to be apart of your child's life then that's something you can work on.
Financially he will still be liable to help you care for this baby even if he doesn't want to play an active part.

I really hope you can resolve this situation and it is just shock and he realises how selfish and unreasonable he is being.
A baby is the most beautiful and magical thing in the world so you do what's right for you and your baby.
Congratulations and good luck, try and enjoy this amazing journey even if you do it alone ❤️

Alexandernevermind · 03/12/2020 12:04

Congratulations!
You need to consider yourself single. Do what you want to do, but he has put the nail in the coffin of the relationship by suggesting you should choose between him and your unborn child.

Tempusfudgeit · 03/12/2020 12:29

Keep the baby, drop the boyfriend. Please.

BlueJag · 03/12/2020 12:56

Are you able to have a baby by yourself? If so it's entirely up to you. I don't think you can salvage the relationship but have a long think about your future.
It is very difficult to understand why men are willing to have sex but they can leave us without a second thought.
It is also naive to think that it's difficult to get pregnant unless there are severe or permanent medical reasons.
I've been there I know how difficult things are right now.

Omeara · 03/12/2020 13:01

The baby will bring you more happiness than the boyfriend. He wasn’t bothered enough about you not becoming pregnant to wear a condom was he?

letsmakethishappen · 03/12/2020 13:08

Congratulations!!! Let him go!!! You’re 39 and this could be your only chance to be a mother. He’s a prick expecting you to choose him over the baby. He’s shown you his true colours he’s a selfish asshole. He never mentioned that he didn’t want children in the first place. It’s hard but it will pass you just need to focus on looking after yourself and the baby . Good luck xx

timetest · 03/12/2020 14:57

Congratulations. Keep the baby ditch the man and claim CMS when the baby is born. Men who don’t want a child should take some responsibility for their fertility by wearing a condom.

Original poster
Laurajohnson1981 · 03/12/2020 17:11

Thank you. Yes I will be fine on my own I would just prefer not to. I think it is shock as he is being a little nicer now but it’ll be hard to forget the last few days 😊

OP posts:
LRHRN · 03/12/2020 18:18

Only you can decide @Laurajohnson1981
You've got to decide what will be harder, doing it alone or forgiving his comments?

I don't think I could forgive my husband if he said anything like this but everyone's situation is different and you've got to look at the bigger picture.

The best thing to do is to speak to him and find out what his issues are and if he's adamant he doesn't want a baby then you know what you've got to do 💕

CodenameVillanelle · 03/12/2020 18:28

He's really shown he's not on your team hasn't he? Even if he does come round, when the chips were down he abandoned you.

TinySongstress · 03/12/2020 18:32

I'd take him at his word and with that knowledge go forward and make my own decisions.

Trickyboy · 03/12/2020 18:35

Does he already have dc ?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/12/2020 18:41

He probably does feel that you have chosen to become pregnant against his wishes. However if he felt that strongly about not having a child, he should have insisted on using condoms rather than taking your word that you would use contraceptives.

If you are happy to be a lone parent I wouldn't worry what he thinks - he may come around to the idea when he realised he can't persuade you to terminate. You will be fine without him if need be.

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/12/2020 18:43

@Tempusfudgeit

Keep the baby, drop the boyfriend. Please.
This.
Heyahun · 03/12/2020 18:56

Chose the baby! Just tell him that you are keeping the baby and up to him what he wants to do - end of your input to the conversation and he can go away and think about what he wants.

Oliversmumsarmy · 03/12/2020 18:58

I would dump him immediately you can do without the negativity and the fake affection

All I can say of being a single parent is that the ones I know, I know a lot, say it is incredibly hard work but they wouldn’t change it for the world.

Good luck and once he is out of your life you can get on with healing the wound that finishing this relationship has caused and then start to look forward to meeting your baby

bluejelly · 03/12/2020 19:00

He doesn't deserve you or the new baby. His loss. Onwards and upwards!

TreacleHart · 03/12/2020 19:04

You say you feel this is your last chance of motherhood and at 39 want to keep this baby ?
Well you have answered your own question.
He says he doesn't want children . If you were to abort to keep him, how will that made you feel towards him ? Do you think you would be able to carry on your relationship without any regrets ? Are you happy to live with the thought of remaining childless ?
He has the option to walk away , but that does not give him the option to sever his responsibility towards an unborn child with regard to maintaince for his child .

laudemio · 03/12/2020 19:32

Congratulations op. You'll make it work whatever he decides to do.

laudemio · 03/12/2020 19:33

And I agree with keep the baby drop the boyfriend

xmasnc2020 · 03/12/2020 19:40

My friend did the exact same. It was a miracle baby for her, she was never supposed to be able to get pregnant and she was about 20 weeks when she found out. The dad actually 'went missing' for about 2 days and she was in bits not knowing what to think. Their son is 5 now, he's the best dad, they're so happy. It was just initially so unplanned and such a huge shock. I don't think he had it in him, or the insight to be able to put her needs before his own in that moment.