Single parent - should I go for a third

[Malysh]

Hello everyone,

A quick word to explain my situation : I reached my thirtieth birthday, reviewed my situation and realized that I wanted children and didn't want to wait for the elusive possibility of finding a partner within the next couple of years. So I did IUI and got a child about a year later, then decided I wanted another and successfully pursued treatment again.

While this has been hard, I have not regretted my decision for even a second.

Now, my kids are 2yo and 6mo, and I'm trying to decide whether I should go for a third. I do want a third, I'm just unsure if I'd be able to cope as a single parent.

So I'd like to ask advice from people who do have three kids, or are considering a third, especially those of you who are single.

For logistical reasons, I feel like the best time to start trying would be next summer.

• financially ; I am not poor, but currently I live abroad and enjoy a higher standard of living. Should I have a third, when we go back home it would be harder to cram them all into a single bedroom. So I I would either have to get a 3-bedroom flat (1 for me and 2 for the kids), or share my room with one of them, or have one of us sleep in the living room, or ask them to all share one room.

• Daily wrangling ; if everything works well, by the time number 3 is born the elder two would be 4yo and 2.5yo. Going out means the younger 2 would be in the double pushchair and the eldest would have to walk. Or I'd have to get a triple pushchair, or carry one of them in a baby carrier (not possible in summertime as it gets up to 35°C and more). That makes something as simple as grocery shopping more akin to a polar expedition.

• finances : I am comfortable but definitely would have to dip in my savings. So far the plan was to save up a good deposit to buy a 2-bed flat near my country's capital city is. If I I have to buy a 3-bedroom or rent instead of buying, that would obviously be more costly.

• school, hobbies and vacation - school runs for three kids going to different schools would obviously be tough while working. Taking them to hobbies would also be trickier as obviouslyif one goes somewhere they all have to go, since I can't leave them on their own. Finally, paying vacations for three is obviously more costly. So there may be fewer vacation for three than there would be for two.

To make things more complicated, there is some uncertainty in the future. I currently have a contract for a few years in a foreign country, and I enjoy a higher standard of living than I would back home (for instance, I can pay a nanny, which I wouldn't be able to afford back home). At the end of this contract I do not know whether I'll get another one (and where) or if I'll have to go back home.

Going home would mean having three kids 2, 4 and 6 yo with a salary that is roughly 1.5 the minimum wage, plus whatever social benefits I may be entitled to. I am also saving as much as I can. If I got another contract abroad the kids would be 6, 8 and 10 (obviously I'm assuming the IUI would work with the first few attempts but that's a reasonable assumption as it did work fairly quickly with the first two).

Medical costs for 4 attempt would probably be around 10k€. I can afford that.
I would not be able to rely on family helping. In a pinch, yes, but not on a daily basis.

Sorry for the super long post but I wanted the situation to be as clear as possible. What worries me the most is the daily wrangling, I feel like I could work out the finances.

So to those of you who have three :

• what is the hardest part ?
• what difficulties did you not anticipate beforehand ?
• would you do it again ?
• did the third child impact family dynamics ? How did the other kids react to the new addition ?

Thanks in advance to anyone who takes time to read and advise.

@Titsinknicks

No but I think having one child per person is enough. You have two.

Why are you having them?

What do you mean ? Why is anyone having kids ? Maybe because I enjoy them ?

But I'm curious about this one child per person rule now. So would it be okay to have three with three different men then ?

No, no, no I absolutely would not. Quit while you're ahead and do the right thing by your 2 boys. Holy crap, the expense as they get older is off the chart. (You have no idea yet as yours are so young, but the things teenagers need...) The planet does not need more people either. Bad idea OP.

@Malysh what do you, genuinely, think is best for your two boys? Honestly, do you think they will gain more from an additional sibling, more than they would from not having your time and finances split 3 ways? It's just basic maths if you ask me.

For what it's worth, I've decided a third for myself would be selfish and not in my children's interests, because now I have two children it is about them, not my wants, and I have a partner, stable/continuous income, housing and family support. But another child would be splitting my time and finances further when it would be better spent on the two I have.

And yes actually lots of posters get pulled up for selfishness wanting 3+ more children depending on their situation, I would just say you're getting more of those comments because there is just one adult, basic maths as I say.

Are the two you already have not enough? If you can afford it then fine but seems very calculated and nothing about how you are going to split love and time to ensure three get enough of you?

I'd maybe wait until you buy a property and rebuild your savings up a bit more. It will give you a bit more security.

Other than that, do what's best for you and your family. You sound responsible and you clearly enjoy your children.

Giant to posters calling you selfish. I'd rather do it alone than settle for some of the abusive man children you hear about on here or the losers I've seen friends grudgingly couple with to get kids.

@malysh it's just my opinion. Climate change and all that.

OP if you are not British do you have ILR? As I'm not sure how you would qualify for any sort of state help from the UK government otherwise.

No sorry, I think its a terrible idea.
I'm currently pregnant with an unplanned third and our future is going to be really hard. Its not something I would have chosen as it complicates everything. There is not a chance in hell I would plan to do it alone.

Personally OP, I think it would be best for everyone to have one less child than they planned. We have a global crisis on our hand and we all need to do what we can to turn the dial.

I’m a bit late to the post. I’m a single parent with two DC. No fathers. They are a bit older now (15&12) I can’t have a third child otherwise I probably would have when the other two were older (when youngest was 5 or something). I take my hat off to you having a 2 yo and a 6 month old and considering another now. I think most people would still be in a state of complete exhaustion and thinking “Never again” !

If I was you I’d wait a tad longer, I know you said it’ll take time anyway but you still have time on your hands. Let your contract finish, go home with the two and see how that feels without the salary/nanny etc and having a 2 yo and 4 yo.
But I wouldn’t let those other things like finances/housing etc be a factor as it sounds like you’ve covered all bases and there are no guarantees with anything in life and I hope those who insist you shouldn’t have more and are selfish never find themselves on their uppers.

@Cocopogo

I’m a bit late to the post. I’m a single parent with two DC. No fathers. They are a bit older now (15&12) I can’t have a third child otherwise I probably would have when the other two were older (when youngest was 5 or something). I take my hat off to you having a 2 yo and a 6 month old and considering another now. I think most people would still be in a state of complete exhaustion and thinking “Never again” !

If I was you I’d wait a tad longer, I know you said it’ll take time anyway but you still have time on your hands. Let your contract finish, go home with the two and see how that feels without the salary/nanny etc and having a 2 yo and 4 yo.
But I wouldn’t let those other things like finances/housing etc be a factor as it sounds like you’ve covered all bases and there are no guarantees with anything in life and I hope those who insist you shouldn’t have more and are selfish never find themselves on their uppers.

Finances are important I don’t think you should deliberately plan a child knowingly it will put you and your other children in a place where your living beyond your means.... OP is a little bit mad because her 2nd baby is still very young.

It’s also not fair on the child if there is no father around to inflict this on all 3 children.

OP needs to pause and think of her children’s needs too

Thanks again all for your perspectives and for taking the time to comment.

I don't want to wait too much because I'd prefer them to be close in age. I know siblings with a wider gap can have a close relationship too, but I think it'd be easier for them all to have similar interests and same schools, as much as possible anyway. Also, it makes sense to have a third now, while I I have help to get me through the hardest years and while childcare is easier to afford. If I have one next year (well, two years from now) and I go back home in 4 years, the third will be 2 and I'll have only one year of childcare to figure out until he goes to school. If I get another contact he'll be six by the time I get home and childcare will be much less an issue.

I'm a bit surprised by the poster who asked about how I will split love three ways. I never saw that as an issue at all. I grew up with two brothers so I know what it's like sharing three ways (and while my parents are still together, my dad was very distant so I don't think being single makes a huge difference in that regard).

As for the environment or the context or whatever else, I'm sure the argument has merit but it's irrelevant to my quandary (which is whether I, as a single parent, can handle three, and not about how many children people should have).

The argument about finances does have merit and I do agree that I should research more about how it'd all work out. It's complicated because I don't know where I'll live, whether schools will be nearby, how long commute will be, how much the rent/mortgage will be, etc.

Waiting could be an option but five years from now it may be hard to conceive, and also I worry the third would be left out all the time with the first two being so close in age. Not to mention childcare being much easier now etc. And it's easier to entertain three close in age than two 5-6 year old and a baby ! So if I do go for a third that would definitely be within the next couple of years.

Thanks again all, I'll think some more about it and see how I feel in a few months.

Also regarding the benefit to my two, the same really could be said for any number of children, so I guess by that logic everyone should have only one child...

No idea what ILR is, I don't live in the UK, never have, probably never will.

I do think perspective plays a big part there because if I had said that I just had a third child and the dad just left me I'm pretty sure there'd be dozens of people telling me not to worry and that I can do it...

@Malysh

Also regarding the benefit to my two, the same really could be said for any number of children, so I guess by that logic everyone should have only one child...

No, I disagree. People want to procreate, we could go into the pros and cons and call it selfish etc etc, but I think it's a given most people will procreate, it's a biological urge. When you've had one child, it is understandable to want to give them a sibling, we know a siblings comes with lots of benefits: play mate, support as the parent ages etc etc. 1-2 children is good, necessary even, for society. I believe the benefits of a sibling do outweigh the loss of money and attention in many cases for the first born. I understand why you chose to have 2 children. However, once you have 2 children, an additional sibling has much less value to a child already with a sibling when it means their parents, parent in your case, now has less time and resource for them.

You're being ignorant and deliberately blinkered, you haven't once, not even when being directly asked, talked about the impact on your sons, it's all about you. And that is selfish.

You have two hands, one for each kid so I would say two kids enough because when you cross road, hug, break up their fight, or giving attention ... there is enough of you for two. To add another would be too much especially when youngest already so young. You might want three and it might not feel fair, but you have to do what is best for the children you already have and I would say having another child is not in their benefit.

I'm pretty sure there'd be dozens of people telling me not to worry and that I can do it...

Yes probably so.... HOWEVER you are not in that situation yourself. Some posters are giving you advise have been in that situation and perhaps don’t want you to find your in a bad place going from 2-3 children! (Alone)

No you aren’t thinking long term what happens when they are older children are they still all going to share a room or with you? Is it fair on the two you have to go without?

Nope no no.

I have 3 and have been single since just after her birth. I adore her, she’s my absolute love, they are my team, BUT I’m on a significant salary so financially it isn’t an issue but it’s still a stretch when you start adding holidays, childcare etc etc (no maintenance from ex).

But more than that is time, and the blend of kids. Rarely will they all 3 play nicely together, maybe every few days. A lot of the time one is left out, or 2 are actively winding the other. It’s an absolute nightmare to calm an argument when there are 3 going at once and no one will babysit to let you give real focused 121 time only very occasionally.

I adore mine as I say, and we make it work but honestly if you have the choice stay at 2 for quality of life for you and them.
OR go for 4 so they can all have a partner!

Sounds like you've almost made your mind up to go ahead, from your update. Why not just be content with your two, then all of the questions, wrangling, research and indecisiveness will just vanish? It is a no brainer surely OP. Your 2 kids do not need another sibling. You know you can manage your current situation. Keep life straightforward.

I wouldnt have a 3rd if it meant my other children would experience such a downturn of living standards.

"You're being ignorant"

About what, precisely ? I'm weighing my options so that I don't regret my choice later, whatever it may be.

"and deliberately blinkered, you haven't once, not even when being directly asked, talked about the impact on your sons, it's all about you. And that is selfish."

Having children in the first place is selfish, so don't take the moral high ground like you're some kind of selfless saint yourself. I know what living with two siblings is like, I had two siblings myself. And I liked it. And I also liked not having my parents' attention always focused on me. I'm not sure how you can claim with such certainty that having three would be bad for my kids - did you have three and talking from experience ? You seem awfully judgmental.

I really get the impression that a lot of people never wanted three and so simply don't understand the desire to have more, regardless of circumstances.

I do appreciate the perspective of the poster who did in fact have three (so talking from experience at least) who were always fighting, but you don't mention the age gap ? I feel like a bigger age gap makes it harder for them to get along.

And to answer another post, no, I haven't made up my mind yet, if I had there would be no point in even having this thread. But whatever I decide that will have a durable impact on my future and my family so I need to explore fully the options.

And really there's no need to call me selfish or blind... people seem awfully riled up about something that isn't going to impact them in the slightest.

Hey, that was me (not the selfish/blind thing, no judgement here, no one who is isn't single gets that shit! Annoys me when people go “oooh you’ve got your hands full alone” or “why have so many”. Ok I’ll just hook up with the nearest man shaped object then

Mine are quite close in age 11, 8 and 6, the 8 year old quite irritated very easily, though she’s a gentle little thing she reacts explosively. There is no middle ground, and the eldest wants peace and personal space, so they clash. Little one is a pleaser but she’s 6 so can cry/strop which then irritates the others.

Although to be fair they also do play wonderfully as well. I have complex PTSD (gained post kids joy!) so perhaps I am sensitive to the bickering as it makes me feel a bit panicky and trapped. Some days are horrific but if I take today they had a half hour of bickering / chucking stuff at each other/ crying and the rest has been smooth sailing.

So it’s not completely a no go if you have your heart set but it is bloody hard work and stressful and expensive and you lack freedom, space and to give them the time they deserve you will end up having to sink everything you are into them unless you have a good support system.

When I had support life was easier but grandparents and friends have been out this year due to Covid and its a bloody treadmill.

I’m one of 4 and I remember a good childhood and rely on my siblings now, but have parents who were together.

Just be sure you are sure if that makes sense, as you’re all in and it’s scary if they only have you. You need a back up if you were ill or god forbid gone or it will play on your mind more with 3 as they are harder for someone else to take on together.

No. Utter lunacy.