Single parent - should I go for a third

[Malysh]

Hello everyone,

A quick word to explain my situation : I reached my thirtieth birthday, reviewed my situation and realized that I wanted children and didn't want to wait for the elusive possibility of finding a partner within the next couple of years. So I did IUI and got a child about a year later, then decided I wanted another and successfully pursued treatment again.

While this has been hard, I have not regretted my decision for even a second.

Now, my kids are 2yo and 6mo, and I'm trying to decide whether I should go for a third. I do want a third, I'm just unsure if I'd be able to cope as a single parent.

So I'd like to ask advice from people who do have three kids, or are considering a third, especially those of you who are single.

For logistical reasons, I feel like the best time to start trying would be next summer.

• financially ; I am not poor, but currently I live abroad and enjoy a higher standard of living. Should I have a third, when we go back home it would be harder to cram them all into a single bedroom. So I I would either have to get a 3-bedroom flat (1 for me and 2 for the kids), or share my room with one of them, or have one of us sleep in the living room, or ask them to all share one room.

• Daily wrangling ; if everything works well, by the time number 3 is born the elder two would be 4yo and 2.5yo. Going out means the younger 2 would be in the double pushchair and the eldest would have to walk. Or I'd have to get a triple pushchair, or carry one of them in a baby carrier (not possible in summertime as it gets up to 35°C and more). That makes something as simple as grocery shopping more akin to a polar expedition.

• finances : I am comfortable but definitely would have to dip in my savings. So far the plan was to save up a good deposit to buy a 2-bed flat near my country's capital city is. If I I have to buy a 3-bedroom or rent instead of buying, that would obviously be more costly.

• school, hobbies and vacation - school runs for three kids going to different schools would obviously be tough while working. Taking them to hobbies would also be trickier as obviouslyif one goes somewhere they all have to go, since I can't leave them on their own. Finally, paying vacations for three is obviously more costly. So there may be fewer vacation for three than there would be for two.

To make things more complicated, there is some uncertainty in the future. I currently have a contract for a few years in a foreign country, and I enjoy a higher standard of living than I would back home (for instance, I can pay a nanny, which I wouldn't be able to afford back home). At the end of this contract I do not know whether I'll get another one (and where) or if I'll have to go back home.

Going home would mean having three kids 2, 4 and 6 yo with a salary that is roughly 1.5 the minimum wage, plus whatever social benefits I may be entitled to. I am also saving as much as I can. If I got another contract abroad the kids would be 6, 8 and 10 (obviously I'm assuming the IUI would work with the first few attempts but that's a reasonable assumption as it did work fairly quickly with the first two).

Medical costs for 4 attempt would probably be around 10k€. I can afford that.
I would not be able to rely on family helping. In a pinch, yes, but not on a daily basis.

Sorry for the super long post but I wanted the situation to be as clear as possible. What worries me the most is the daily wrangling, I feel like I could work out the finances.

So to those of you who have three :

• what is the hardest part ?
• what difficulties did you not anticipate beforehand ?
• would you do it again ?
• did the third child impact family dynamics ? How did the other kids react to the new addition ?

Thanks in advance to anyone who takes time to read and advise.

Forgot to add, I'm turning 34 next month. So I still got time but not that much.

I don’t have three I have one soon 12yr old. I don’t think it will be any easier but it will be more convenient having two young babies/toddlers in such close age for things like them sharing a room, clothes, toys, occupying each other etc etc.
As your reality is that you can afford it it’s a case of asking yourself why not.
It’s always scary making a life decision but trust your gut and enjoy your privilege. I can say on the other side of the privileged scale that I wish I had what you do, I would grow my family and have a full house of my excitable Christmassy, Eastery, whatever-elsey kids every year.

No

Don't know where you are but in the UK you would not be entitled to any benefits with savings over a certain amount.

Without meaning to sound rude it really does seem as though you're rushing things. To consider a third when your second is still a young baby seems ludicrous when, as it sounds like you eventually will, you move back to the UK and someone has to sleep in the lounge! It just isn't practical. It doesn't sound like you're actually thinking about the future at all and just how it'll work while they're still young. How do you expect 3 teenagers to live in a 2 bed flat with you? And what if you find a partner. 5 people in a 2 bed flat, it's unnecessary. Be thankful for the two you have and focus on raising them.

Are you coming back to the UK? Remember there are no benefits for child 3.

I have two that I've raised on my own since my husband died. I am financially fine.
Practicals: three kids in a two bedroom flat or house is possible but if they are different sexes they cannot share indefinitely. A toddler and baby are one thing; three energetic youngsters something completely different; three teens another thing again! Children only get more expensive, not less. You say your finances are not guaranteed - how would you cope without a nanny?
Schools: it may be tricky when going to different schools but you say you can afford a nanny (currently) so this could be coped with, but what if they have, for example, football/ballet/music/swimming on a saturday at smililiar times and different places? With my two it was rugby vs netball every weekend and I had to beg favours and shuffle constantly between the two.
But the one thing you don't mention but I find is the hardest part about being a lone parent: the emotional cost. You are the sole person responsible for these two or three young people. Discipline, guidance, finance, health, education; all require decisions and plans and time and energy. Faced with any decision or circumstance: should my child go to this school or that, sibling rivalry, how to cope with heartbreak, the cruel reality of childhood friendships, possible learning issues, how to deal with first sexual relationships, exam failure, what if drugs becomes an issue, what if I, the only parent, becomes ill?

This is obviously the reality with any number of kids, but the more you have the harder it will be to devote time to any one child. Not being able to have another person to help make decisions and share in the burden, as well as the joy, of parenting, can lead to emotional exhaustion.
I think you have two healthy children, you are coping and they are thriving. Why push your luck? What if the next child is disabled? I also honestly think baby hood and childhood are easy compared to preteens and adolescents. Doing it solo is definitely a tough route to go, and if it was me I'd stop now.

Can you explain why you want a third? Objectively I would say you were crazy for considering it in your circumstances, and I assume most reasonable folk would agree - so is there some really unusual reason in the background thats driving this idea?

No

Unless you're genuinely loaded for life then definitely don't have another. Life here on 1.5x minimum wage with three kids will be rough. You won't get benefits if you have savings. I've been a single parent to one kid here with no financial support from the dad and it's been tough.

I wouldn't personally

That sounds like bloody hard work to me!

No. Bringing more children into a situation that isn't financially stable with cramped living conditions is not only unfair to the baby but to the two children you already have. It's not just about how many kids you want but the standard of living for the kids.

I would agree with the general consensus of 'not a good idea' here. For me, you may be able to cope now, where you are and with a nanny, for three young children, but you know this is likely to be temporary. You're aiming to bring up 3 kids on a very low salary in the UK and don't know how you would adequately house them. For me, I may be biased as I only have one, and could imagine a second but couldn't imagine a third. I would want to focus on giving your current children the best and most stable life possible, and would use your savings for a decent property.

I really really wouldn't. We are in a lot more comfortable financial and space situation than you. We ummed and ahhed for number 3 for years (I was resistant as I find pregnancy very hard and I produce non sleepers).

This summer we decided to go for it. Then a couple of months later got cold feet and decided definitively to stick with 2.

Then my 9 year old got diagnosed with dyspraxia and ADHD.

The emotional toll for everyone, including both my DC, is HUGE. We have appointments coming out of our ears (3-4 a week) plus everything else to manage.

You have no idea what problems your current 2 may have later.

My 2 were fine as baby and toddlers (except severe reflux leading to no sleep). Now between them they have AdHD, dyspraxia, migraines (x2), glasses, braces and the normal ear infections/throat infections/ dentist check ups...

Plus problems with school (one hates the obligatory school meals, the other has 90 minutes homework a day, friend anguish etc etc).

I'm painting a very negative picture. I adore my 2 DC. But it is a lot harder than just getting a double pushchair and sorting nappies for 2 at the same time.

I think 3 would be too many OP, you would have more children than hands which isn't easy when they are small.

My honest opinion is that you should focus on giving the two very young children you already have the best life you can and park the idea of a third for a while.

No.

I'm not a single parent, but I find my biggest area of 'mum guilt' having two children, is feeling like I'm not giving enough one-on-one attention to each of them individually. That's what stops me considering a third. I know that even with my husband here, that I'd be spread too thin in that respect. I think it's important to think about the impact of a third on your existing children.

I'm one of four children and my mother was a single parent for a time and to be honest, even when she wasn't a single parent, I felt like I didn't get anywhere near the individual attention I craved as a child. She was simply spread too thin. Personally, if I were you, I'd enjoy having two healthy children. To me a third sounds like it would possibly tip the balance from managing to struggling. Plus, as with any pregnancy, there's risks you could have a child with unforeseen additional needs, how would you cope under those circumstances? How would that impact your existing children?

I do think it very common to 'just want one more' - I've had it myself, but that doesn't mean it's the best thing for your family and also, it doesn't mean the feeling will go away. As I said, my mother had four and she says she still feels like she'd like another one even now!

You have two happy and healthy children that you can do your best by.

Cut your ‘losses’ (clearly not losses, but big wins), and call it a day.

If you really think you can do your best by three kids, then go for it.

But if you don’t think you can, then you really need to think about prioritising, and doing your best by the two you already have.

No way. I have 3 with a supportive partner. No way would I have considered having 3 on my own. And especially not that young together. Kids need time and attention and that's hard with 3 if there are 2 of you...let alone on your own.

You also sound a bit in la la land about the costs involved. Choosing to have 3 young kids in a small house or flat is not ideal. Wrap around care and holiday schemes are very expensive in the UK .....many with 3 kids can't afford them as they cost more than they earn. With an earning potential of only 1.5 average wage you would struggle.

I have 2 with a similar age gap. I'm not a single parent but I'm not having any more. You're already outnumbered, why make it more so.

Why do you want a third, from your post I'm guessing you have 2 of the same sex currently. Is this a desire to have one of the opposite sex?

No. Poor children.

I would not have a 3rd OP and your 2nd child is still quite young to be considering a think so I would re think it in 18months time.
Also because your kids are very young I would say you don’t have any real expense I think once children are under 5 it’s cheaper but they won’t to do more actives and so on. Play schemes and school holidays.
I say that and I just have the 1!

No- the jump from two to three felt huge for me, in terms of the emotional load and feeling stretched very thin in terms of giving them all the attention they need (or demand!). Also, as others have said, you seem to be focussing on the baby and toddler stage and the logistics involved in that. While it’s physically hard work with three tinies, it doesn’t get easier as they get older- just different. I’d say trying to support 3 teens, financially and emotionally, on your own would be incredibly difficult.