Single parent - should I go for a third

[Malysh]

Hello everyone,

A quick word to explain my situation : I reached my thirtieth birthday, reviewed my situation and realized that I wanted children and didn't want to wait for the elusive possibility of finding a partner within the next couple of years. So I did IUI and got a child about a year later, then decided I wanted another and successfully pursued treatment again.

While this has been hard, I have not regretted my decision for even a second.

Now, my kids are 2yo and 6mo, and I'm trying to decide whether I should go for a third. I do want a third, I'm just unsure if I'd be able to cope as a single parent.

So I'd like to ask advice from people who do have three kids, or are considering a third, especially those of you who are single.

For logistical reasons, I feel like the best time to start trying would be next summer.

• financially ; I am not poor, but currently I live abroad and enjoy a higher standard of living. Should I have a third, when we go back home it would be harder to cram them all into a single bedroom. So I I would either have to get a 3-bedroom flat (1 for me and 2 for the kids), or share my room with one of them, or have one of us sleep in the living room, or ask them to all share one room.

• Daily wrangling ; if everything works well, by the time number 3 is born the elder two would be 4yo and 2.5yo. Going out means the younger 2 would be in the double pushchair and the eldest would have to walk. Or I'd have to get a triple pushchair, or carry one of them in a baby carrier (not possible in summertime as it gets up to 35°C and more). That makes something as simple as grocery shopping more akin to a polar expedition.

• finances : I am comfortable but definitely would have to dip in my savings. So far the plan was to save up a good deposit to buy a 2-bed flat near my country's capital city is. If I I have to buy a 3-bedroom or rent instead of buying, that would obviously be more costly.

• school, hobbies and vacation - school runs for three kids going to different schools would obviously be tough while working. Taking them to hobbies would also be trickier as obviouslyif one goes somewhere they all have to go, since I can't leave them on their own. Finally, paying vacations for three is obviously more costly. So there may be fewer vacation for three than there would be for two.

To make things more complicated, there is some uncertainty in the future. I currently have a contract for a few years in a foreign country, and I enjoy a higher standard of living than I would back home (for instance, I can pay a nanny, which I wouldn't be able to afford back home). At the end of this contract I do not know whether I'll get another one (and where) or if I'll have to go back home.

Going home would mean having three kids 2, 4 and 6 yo with a salary that is roughly 1.5 the minimum wage, plus whatever social benefits I may be entitled to. I am also saving as much as I can. If I got another contract abroad the kids would be 6, 8 and 10 (obviously I'm assuming the IUI would work with the first few attempts but that's a reasonable assumption as it did work fairly quickly with the first two).

Medical costs for 4 attempt would probably be around 10k€. I can afford that.
I would not be able to rely on family helping. In a pinch, yes, but not on a daily basis.

Sorry for the super long post but I wanted the situation to be as clear as possible. What worries me the most is the daily wrangling, I feel like I could work out the finances.

So to those of you who have three :

• what is the hardest part ?
• what difficulties did you not anticipate beforehand ?
• would you do it again ?
• did the third child impact family dynamics ? How did the other kids react to the new addition ?

Thanks in advance to anyone who takes time to read and advise.

The difference between two and three is also things like a bigger car, needing an extra room in holiday etc. Lots of family tickets are designed for two kids. Little things like that tipped us in the direction of staying with two, and we had two reasonably stable incomes!

I have three as a couple.

The jump to two to three is emotional (there’s much less of me to go round and I rarely manage to give them 1:1 time) but practical too (I’ve only got two hands).

It’s possible without money and space etc but I’d concentrate on considering the babies you have rather than the one you don’t have.

I ask this kindly op, do you have 2 of one gender and want a baby of the opposite gender? Either way I think it would be tough.

I really cannot think why you would have a 3rd. Focus on the 2 you have. I'm a single parent and have been since dc was little. The primary years were a doddle compared to teenage. Plus from my perspective rather than yours, I can cope with friends visiting with 2 kids or looking after them for an hour, but 3 is too much. If you expect help from others, 3 is a big ask.

Sorry but I think you seem to focus on numbers of kids rather than enjoying the two you have. I would stay where you are as your standard of living if better. You say your contract is up in a few years and if you return to the UK having 3 would be a squeeze. Why? I have 4 DC and the jump to three was fine however I have a large age gap between mine, a DH to share the load and two incomes coming in .

Sorry to be patronising but it’s hormones I feel the same when my second a baby.

Fwiw I have supportive Dh and lots of resources and we decided to stick at 2

A lot of depends on your parenting style. Are you happy wearing the baby, pushing the toddler in a buggy while the eldest runs about? I found 3 is easier when you're happy keeping them close. In some ways it's not much harder, if you don't have a very high needs baby you just get on with it and barely notice you've got another one.

But as they get older it's hard, the eldest wants to go to the cinema, but the youngest can't sit still, quietly that long. That kind of thing. Plus the impact on the older two is quite significant, sharing Mummy with one child isn't that bad, but two others is quite an emotional thing for them. My eldest found that hardest and there was a lot of jealously (despite the fact dc3 raised herself practically as i was busy with the big two).

We had 3 kids in a two bed house though and I would never consider that again. It was fine for the first year, but then it just got too much. The lack of space was suffocating and it impacted everyone's mental health. I do think love is enough and you will find a way to muddle through if you go for a third. But it will be very tough at times, you will wonder if you made the right choice when it's a rough patch. It's not a choice to make lightly, if you find it's too much to cope with comfortably there's no going back. So take time to weigh it all up fully.

Honestly I'm a single mum of three due to a marriage breakdown... they were 6 months, 2.5 and 4.5 when the relationship ended, and now 8, 10 and 12.
While we've managed and do manage, I wouldn't have put myself in this situation willingly.

3 on your own is hard work, more children than hands, constantly juggling and trying to balance who needs what first.

Don't get me wrong I love all 3 and wouldn't be without but its hard work.

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

No. It would be a selfish thing to do.

No, you have been blessed with two children, enjoy them.

Absolutely not. Think about the children you already have. I won't have a third because DH and I feel our time split between 2 kids is more valuable than an additional sibling for them, to be considering splitting yourself between 3 children with only one of you is completely selfish.

We have twins who are 4 and although I would love a 3rd we’ve decided it’s not sensible. Both of our twins are autistic and getting out and about with them by myself is basically impossible. They have just started school full time so I have lots more time, but if a third child also had additional needs it would be extremely difficult.

Often when people are considering how things would work they plan for typical, able bodied singletons meeting their milestones on time but there are no guarantees of this - my boys seemed typical at 6 months, if i has decided to have another baby they would have been born right around the time my twins regressed and the difficulties became obvious. It would have been so difficult trying to manage everything we’ve had to deal with with an additional baby.

Not saying any of your children will have difficulties but there are no guarantees and I think there are many possibilities to consider beyond what you’ve mentioned. Plus surprise twins is always a possibility and that’s an entirely different prospect.

You mention nannies - do you have one now? If so I think moving back home on a limited income and not being able to afford support would be quite difficult with the two you have, let alone more.

I think you’re awesome for deciding to have a family by yourself, I couldn’t manage so you’re obviously much tougher than I am, but I wouldn’t be considering a 3rd, at least until your youngest is older.

The idea of three children on 1.5 x min wage sounds very difficult. We have a small house, only two beds and couldn’t manage to afford a bigger car for three children (or travel costs) and couldn’t afford the holiday costs or club fees for a third child and my income is much higher than yours.

I don't understand how people could consider having children during a worldwide pandemic, looming Brexit crisis, environmental crisis, etc. Just seems like a scary prospect for bringing a tiny, helpless infant into the world.

I'm a single parent by choice (of 3) I have a singleton and twins. I wouldn't change it for the world but definitely would be easier with two.
What happens if you have twins (which you are at greater risk of having when using fertility treatment) could you cope with 4 children?
Also just because you got pregnant quickly first two times doesn't mean it will be straightforward this time. Could you manage? It took me 7 goes to conceive the twins and was over stimulated causing a few short term health issues.
I also wouldn't have 3 dc in a two bed house - it's fine when thier little but definitely need more space as they grow. I had a 3 bedroomed house when they were born.
Benefits are capped at two children so if you think you are going to need to rely on them you will only get benefits for two of them.
I found that having 3 under 4 was fine they enjoyed the same things you have overall control, as they get older they have differing needs you are also older too. Then hormones start which is another story all together.
Also could you cope if circumstances changed as some things are outside your control, if you had a disabled child, if you became ill?
If you think you can manage and have contingency plans in place go for it it's doa however don't take this decision lightly it's not only life changing for you but your dc too.

No, focus on being the best parent you can be to your two existing DCs. Prioritise them, not your own wishes.

Nope. I'm a single parent to 3 and it's brutal.

I've been a single parent to 2 DC since they were 3 and 6. You think the young ages are the tough years but dear God, parenting two teenagers is off the scale...

No. Your post comes across as very selfish - you were only 30 - you wanted a child and you weren't prepared to wait to find someone to have them with so you "got" one for yourself.
Just because we can do something doesn't mean we should.

In your situation I wouldn't do it.

If you were loaded, yes, but not with an uncertain financial future.

Being the child of a struggling single mom is no fun.

It also won't be fun for you, since you won't have nobody to share the emotional and financial burden with.

I wouldn't do it.

Are you currently putting money away for your current kids? When they are older, they may want to go to University and you will have to help them out financially with that. Would you be able to do that with 3 on a min wage job?

Also a tiny flat isn't a nice place to grow up in. Sometimes you want not not always be in the same room as everyone else or have space to actually work on something. It's a lot harder to do that if there are 4 of you in a pokey 2 bed flat.

Hey everyone,

Sorry for not replying sooner, life happened and I lost sight of the thread.

First of all, thanks everyone for taking the time to give your perspective, that's helpful.

I realize now I should have mentioned I'm not from the UK originally. In my country I will get benefits for a third and benefits are not capped by savings like they are in the UK. Childcare costs are also much lower (though I agree that it's something to keep in mind).

My financial situation is a bit complicated which is why I didn't go in details, didn't want to write a novel... but to clarify : I am given missions for usually 3-4 years. While doing those missions I am very well paid. I do have to come back to my company HQ occasionally, which is when I'm paid much less. So it's basically a matter of saving during the good times, to make up for the occasional years with a lower salary. There's a bit of uncertainty there, which doesn't help. I may be going home anytime 3-8 years from now, and I won't know which it is for another few years. I'm saving (right now saving to buy an appartment, I have about 120k€ at this point and hoping to save more over the next few years).

So when we go home there will be this housing issue but only for 3 years or so until I am able to go abroad again. I might also get social housing through my work though I can't be sure I'll get it.

A bit amused by the poster that said I was selfish to have a child as a single parent. I guess I should have finished my life childless so I could earn your approval

A bit surprised too to be called selfish for wanting three ; I've seen plenty of posters mention they have 4-5 DC on other threads (without stating whether they were single or not) and nobody seemed to find that selfish or strange.

It's definitely going to be hard if I do it, I realize that, it's why I'm here asking for perspective ; so that I know exactly what I'm getting into, or have no regret deciding not to.

Also I'm doing unmedicated IUI so not more likely to have twins than anyone else.

No but I think having one child per person is enough. You have two.

Why are you having them?

Forgot to answer the gender thing... no, I have two boys and I'd prefer a third boy if anything, it'd make logistics easier...