Kids always want to go to mums

[steveuk1979]

Really looking for some advice and support here as it's beginning to depress me. And I'm not sure what to do. Bit of back ground.

Married for 10 years separated for just over 2 years. Two kids, boy 7 girl 4. I kept the martial home. I see my kids 50% of the time. The relationship with the ex (kids mum) is ok but we don't see eye to eye, she's not supportive and although she says she wants to be on the same wave length (co-parent) often does things without consulting me, and in some situations consults the kids first then if I disagree then made to look bad.

So my kids always ask how many days till they see their mum. On the morning they go, they get up early and are excitable. Sometimes when they get upset or are naughty they want her. I try to deal with it the best I can and I know kids generally want their mum but it's still soul destroying. They say we do more fun stuff at hers and generally she plans ahead activities and things to do where as I'm more spontaneous. I also have other commitments such as running a small business and currently having an extension built which due to the separation costs I'm having to do a lot of the work. Sounds like an excuse I know but It's life. I do make efforts. We had an amazing firework display and Halloween hunt round the garden that I'd kitted out with all sorts of decorations.. my son called it 'fireween', the next day said he'd got upset at school because he missed me... it's like everything revolves around 'forced fun' and not just being together.

In our separation agreement we had a set time table that worked for us both and allowed for 50/50 time with the kids each. Since lock down we minimised exchange of kids to a week on week off at her request, around summer she wanted to change the routine to something more suited to herself (she'd met someone) and i flexed and changed again while balancing tuning a business and building the extension. The changed also meant I got a full 5 consecutive days with my kids which extended over a weekend which is great. I did ask if she was ok with it but she said so.

Yesterday my son (7yo) said he missed his mum and why does he only get 3 days with her and 5 with me. I said I understood his question and that's just how we'd split up the days. But I would speak to his mum.

I spoke to her and said that I'd been flexible on two occasions and if we agree we should change for the kids sake the we should go back to the original documented arrangement that was balanced and fair. She said we could have a talk face to face. When I dropped them off this morning (school bubbles is closed) she said she'd come up with a rota but wasn't going to tell me as she wanted to discuss it with our some as he'd raised the issue. I try not to 'debate' in front of the kids so I said ok I'll call you in a bit.

I called her and asked why she didn't want to discuss it together, why she thinks a 7 year old is equipped to decide what's best for him and what sort of co parenting is that? I may have come across annoyed to a degree so I affirmed that I'm annoyed you've decided to do that and no matter what you tell me now, if it doesn't work for me you will have to tell our son that daddy said no.

I'm just sick of the constant battles compounded by my kids apparent unhappiness at seeing their dad.

A friend of mine has a son the same age and only sees his dad every other weekend, he always lets him down or doesn't turn up yet the kids desperate to see him. Just makes me think, Christ I'd do anything for mine.

Kids moan. It's just what they do. I was on someone's thread today...she was worried about missing out on time with her kids due to working and I told her "If you were home, they'd moan there was no money for stuff" or about something else.

The grass is always greener...really, I LOVE kids but they're unreasonable, egotistical, selfish monsters and you can't let things like them saying "I want Mum" get to you.

I bet they say "I miss Dad" when they're with their Mum.

She wasn't wrong to speak to your son about the days of contact though in my opinion...7 is old enough to have an opinion and be included in the discussion.

Steve, I think it's just part and parcel of having divorced parents. Upsetting for the kids and they of course miss their mum but I am sure they miss you when they are at their mum's and make the same comments to her. I really felt a pang for your kids when I read your post as they clearly want to be with both of you which is the great sadness when a marriage fails and kids are involved. I guess I was lucky in some respects as my ex was never a great father and never did much for my sons anyway so they never missed him when he left and never ask to see him. They always want to me with me probably because we also do more fun things plus this is home for them but it doesn't mean they don't love their dad. As my sons have got older they have started to enjoy spending time with their dad a bit more and some of the things he does, even though it's less "fun" than being at home and I am sure yours will too. They are still very young so naturally attached to mum a bit more which will change as they get older. Sounds like you are a great dad and doing everything right so hang in there.

I too will be surprised if their mum doesn't hear "i miss daddy i want to see him". I certainly hear it! I just say of course you do, would you like to call him? (usually not). It's not a competition, sometimes they may want you more, sometimes mum more. The fact you are both actively involved in their life is the main thing. And there will always be the odd time when mum drives you mad - there was a reason why you split after all! But have a vent to others (as you've done here!) and carry on.

Thanks for the nice comments guys. It genuinely does help to have some other perspective and know It's not just me if that makes sense..

If the kids do say they miss me when they're at hers she doesn't say... all she's said is that my daughter won't go to bed, cry's and says she doesn't want to go to daddies on the weds night. This is the hand over for the 5 night stint at mine.

I'm beginning to learn that kids are manipulative. I guess we're only human and while trying to be the adult for the most part, it's hard not to get upset from time to time and wonder what you're doing wrong.

I've always been active with my kids and wouldn't accept anything less than 50/50. Even though I do different stuff to my ex, I would hope the kids enjoy it. It's just not the rah rah mumsy fun baking, crate paper, activity sheets printed off the internet type fun. No offence to anyone does that btw. I just can't compete with that stuff kids love.

I agree that your ex is probably getting the same situation in return. They will be saying "I miss Daddy" and "How many days until we see Daddy?" Etc I wouldn't tell my ex if my kids had said this as he was interpret it as me giving him a hard time or trying to make him feel guilty.

Have you got a calendar that they could look at to count the days? Kids generally like routine and knowing this ahead of time.

FWIW I would speak to the 7 year old beforehand too. Not because it's up to him what days he sees each parent but there's no point in changing things without knowing what his ideal scenario would be. If it's unreasonable then parents should overrule but if there's a little tweak that would make him happier then it's worth adjusting for his preference.

I rarely get direct feedback from my kids about my parenting.

I remember one year when my dd was about 6 I popped a cupcake in her lunchbox because it was her birthday the next day. (She doesn't normally get cake in her lunchbox) I made it in a Hello Kitty design which was what she was into at the time. She came back from school and didn't mention the cake. When I brought it up she casually said it tasted good. I know one of the lunchtime supervisors at her school and she tells a very different story. Dd was delighted, showed everyone the cake and really appreciated the gesture but didn't tell me that 😂My kids are teens now and I still only find out how I'm doing as a parent through other people.

Your kids probably know that they are loved by you. Being secure in that means they can be "selfish" and focus on the now and next part of their day. It is demoralizing when they seem ungrateful but one day they will understand and will hopefully tell you how much they appreciate you. It's fantastic that you are doing 50% care and hopefully that will pay off with a strong bond for life. Parenting is a slog with seemingly little benefit but having both parents in their lives is great for the kids.

@TicTacTwo

I rarely get direct feedback from my kids about my parenting.

I remember one year when my dd was about 6 I popped a cupcake in her lunchbox because it was her birthday the next day. (She doesn't normally get cake in her lunchbox) I made it in a Hello Kitty design which was what she was into at the time. She came back from school and didn't mention the cake. When I brought it up she casually said it tasted good. I know one of the lunchtime supervisors at her school and she tells a very different story. Dd was delighted, showed everyone the cake and really appreciated the gesture but didn't tell me that 😂My kids are teens now and I still only find out how I'm doing as a parent through other people.

Your kids probably know that they are loved by you. Being secure in that means they can be "selfish" and focus on the now and next part of their day. It is demoralizing when they seem ungrateful but one day they will understand and will hopefully tell you how much they appreciate you. It's fantastic that you are doing 50% care and hopefully that will pay off with a strong bond for life. Parenting is a slog with seemingly little benefit but having both parents in their lives is great for the kids.

That's great advice. Knowing they feel secure so can just worry about where the next fun is coming from is a good way to rationalise the behaviour an know they're alright really. I'll try remember that one.

Re talking to my 7 year old. I'm not sure if I didn't explain well. I'm not averse to talking to him, I wanted to present it as a joint thing from his mum and dad, rather than her giving him an idea of a new routine for me to say I can't do that day etc due to work... I would have been (in my opinion) to work it out between us then talk to him. As it it if I can't meet the requirements of her new routine and she's already presented it to him then I become the bad guy.

What you see as “forced fun”
Your children will likely see as exciting plans
As demonstrated by the fun they have at their mother’s

Your kids probably know that they are loved by you. Being secure in that means they can be "selfish" and focus on the now and next part of their day. It is demoralizing when they seem ungrateful but one day they will understand and will hopefully tell you how much they appreciate you. It's fantastic that you are doing 50% care and hopefully that will pay off with a strong bond for life. Parenting is a slog with seemingly little benefit but having both parents in their lives is great for the kids. smile

This is such a good insight. They do feel secure and loved by you - which can feel a bit like being taken for granted!
Your kids are also pretty young still and however hands on a parent you are, Mum is often the default.
You don't have to compete and I'm sure you will find the dynamic changes as they get older.
Be kind, be consistent but be yourself and parent your own way.
It's a marathon not a sprint.

I think 50/50 is great for the parents but as your 7 year old is proving its not always ideal for the child they are clesy crying out for more time with mum for whatever reason this could all change in a few months time best not stress about not taking less than 50/50 because it might end up being 60/40 in her favour then maybe 60/40 in your favour

Its what's best for the child

I agree maybe being so young they do need more time with their mum at this stage in their lives.

There are lots of fun things you can do but if you want an easy one then have a colour day.
So next time they're over on a weekend day tell them your having a red day. They can wear red clothes, eat red food, play with red toys etc.
If you decide the colour beforehand you can prepare the foodstuffs etc. But encourage them to have ideas too.
They will be excited in anticipation of each visit to see what colour day they're having.

Does mum want more time with them, though? That's what I don't understand. If they want more time is that possible? Or is this the way things are? That depends on whether it's a matter of changing the balance to more 50:50 again or of finding ways to help them manage their emotions and accepting the current circumstances. I do think that kids thrive most on consistency, and that things have changed around a lot. So even if you are boring and steady, that is better than being more fun but also less available IYSWIM. Kids always miss the Disney parent (Mum or Dad!) but it is with the parent who provides stability and consistency that they are given the space to grow and develop and thrive. Mum is the cake. You are their daily bread. Nobody misses bread until it's gone, they take it for granted. But it's better for them.

@NancysDream

Does mum want more time with them, though? That's what I don't understand. If they want more time is that possible? Or is this the way things are? That depends on whether it's a matter of changing the balance to more 50:50 again or of finding ways to help them manage their emotions and accepting the current circumstances. I do think that kids thrive most on consistency, and that things have changed around a lot. So even if you are boring and steady, that is better than being more fun but also less available IYSWIM. Kids always miss the Disney parent (Mum or Dad!) but it is with the parent who provides stability and consistency that they are given the space to grow and develop and thrive. Mum is the cake. You are their daily bread. Nobody misses bread until it's gone, they take it for granted. But it's better for them.

Originally it was 50:50 I'd have them Monday and Thursday she'd have them tues and weds. When it was our respective weekends to have them we wouldn't have them Friday. So for me mon thurs and fri followed by mon thurs sat and sun.

She wanted a longer weekend with the (fri, sat, sun) so proposed we also had them Fridays when it was our respective weekends. Still 50/50 it just so happened I'd have them 5 consecutive days (thurs, fri, sat, sun, mon) and she'd just get the fri sat sun. It the time I did highlight my concerns but she was adamant she wanted a long weekend with them and also one without them to accommodate her new partner and his children. The problem is that my eldest now doesn't understand why he's with me for 5 and her for 3 if that makes sense.

I don't think 50/50 is the issue it's the length of time not seeing her, perhaps it would be the same if she had them that long.

It doesn’t mean your children don’t love you, if they want to live or be with their mum it means exactly that. Don’t over think it, dont compete. This is life and children don’t always get or want a 50/50 arrangement.

You sound like a wonderful dad. Just read the threads on here of men who have their kids every other week. I think your kids are very lucky, and are acting out because they can. If you saw them once a fortnight they would treat you like Disney dad...ie you would be the best thing since sliced bread and your ex dp would be very annoyed!

It is very rare that men are as involved as you. They should be, (and my ex absolutely is, so I have no agenda here) so please don't give up and continue being the great dad you are.

It sounds like they are safe and secure with you and as a result you’re their punch bag to a degree . It sounds like mum isn’t quite so reliable and hence they’re clamouring for her just like the children of the friend who lets his kids down .

Small children can be very hurtful - but you honestly do sound like your doing a good job .

My parents split up when I was little. When I was with my mum I missed my dad, when i was with my dad I missed my mum...

It's not always easy to have separated parents no matter how involved they both are (of course it's not always possible/preferable for parents to stay together either).

I understand it's upsetting but it will get better as they get older if you continue to be there for them.

Oh and I agree with the above posters, the fact that they feel comfortable telling you they miss their mum is a good sign. It means they are secure.

Kids aren't manipulative
It is tough having divorced parents
Mum is where they feel safe
Why can't they do baking and activity sheets with you if they enjoy it?
You sound rather resentful and your kids are picking up on it.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.
Try the phillipa perry book on parenting it is really fantastic

Perhaps they just like her more.

You are definitely not alone, my partner has 2 children one boy one girl and the girl always says she wants her mum and misses her etc. They both always ask to phone her but he just try’s to distract them and change the subject. I think a lot of the time it’s for attention. When they get older they won’t say it, just hang in there. Sounds like you’re doing a good job 😌

Tbh my 7 year old would never cope with being away from me for too long and I do think he should feel consulted. Once she knows his side she can discuss it with you and then go back to him with what's decided surely