Kids always want to go to mums

[steveuk1979]

Really looking for some advice and support here as it's beginning to depress me. And I'm not sure what to do. Bit of back ground.

Married for 10 years separated for just over 2 years. Two kids, boy 7 girl 4. I kept the martial home. I see my kids 50% of the time. The relationship with the ex (kids mum) is ok but we don't see eye to eye, she's not supportive and although she says she wants to be on the same wave length (co-parent) often does things without consulting me, and in some situations consults the kids first then if I disagree then made to look bad.

So my kids always ask how many days till they see their mum. On the morning they go, they get up early and are excitable. Sometimes when they get upset or are naughty they want her. I try to deal with it the best I can and I know kids generally want their mum but it's still soul destroying. They say we do more fun stuff at hers and generally she plans ahead activities and things to do where as I'm more spontaneous. I also have other commitments such as running a small business and currently having an extension built which due to the separation costs I'm having to do a lot of the work. Sounds like an excuse I know but It's life. I do make efforts. We had an amazing firework display and Halloween hunt round the garden that I'd kitted out with all sorts of decorations.. my son called it 'fireween', the next day said he'd got upset at school because he missed me... it's like everything revolves around 'forced fun' and not just being together.

In our separation agreement we had a set time table that worked for us both and allowed for 50/50 time with the kids each. Since lock down we minimised exchange of kids to a week on week off at her request, around summer she wanted to change the routine to something more suited to herself (she'd met someone) and i flexed and changed again while balancing tuning a business and building the extension. The changed also meant I got a full 5 consecutive days with my kids which extended over a weekend which is great. I did ask if she was ok with it but she said so.

Yesterday my son (7yo) said he missed his mum and why does he only get 3 days with her and 5 with me. I said I understood his question and that's just how we'd split up the days. But I would speak to his mum.

I spoke to her and said that I'd been flexible on two occasions and if we agree we should change for the kids sake the we should go back to the original documented arrangement that was balanced and fair. She said we could have a talk face to face. When I dropped them off this morning (school bubbles is closed) she said she'd come up with a rota but wasn't going to tell me as she wanted to discuss it with our some as he'd raised the issue. I try not to 'debate' in front of the kids so I said ok I'll call you in a bit.

I called her and asked why she didn't want to discuss it together, why she thinks a 7 year old is equipped to decide what's best for him and what sort of co parenting is that? I may have come across annoyed to a degree so I affirmed that I'm annoyed you've decided to do that and no matter what you tell me now, if it doesn't work for me you will have to tell our son that daddy said no.

I'm just sick of the constant battles compounded by my kids apparent unhappiness at seeing their dad.

A friend of mine has a son the same age and only sees his dad every other weekend, he always lets him down or doesn't turn up yet the kids desperate to see him. Just makes me think, Christ I'd do anything for mine.

@NaturesEnd

Perhaps they just like her more.

She seems to be putting her new relationship above her children. She's chopping and changing to suit herself. I wonder if the 7 yr old is picking up on this and feeling insecure in their relationship with her?

Obviously it depends on your circumstances, but can I ask - is there a reason you aren’t doing week on/week off? I wonder if the constant moving back and forth is affecting their behaviour?

(My DCs are always at their worst behaved for both me and ex, on the day they move back. As they settle in, they behave better)

It is tough for DC of separated parents. They don't need constant entertainment they will take it and want it more and more.
They'll get bigger and hopefully be more aware of the different set ups.

Some kids don't like transitions.

Some kids cry coming into school and most of them are happy when they are there.

sometimes my kids have not wanted to talk to ex, or go to ex's house, sometimes they have not wanted to come home. ds decided to stay a couple of nights on ex's sofa.

A friend of mine has a son the same age and only sees his dad every other weekend, he always lets him down or doesn't turn up yet the kids desperate to see him. Just makes me think, Christ I'd do anything for mine.

read this sentence again. does this apply to your kids? (insert approriate parents)

maybe they are feeling insecure as things keep changing.

oh and I hate when ex suggests things in front of the children and I have to say no as it is not possible for entirely legitimate practical reasons.

@NaturesEnd

Perhaps they just like her more.

So helpful! Gold star to you.

OP I think if the shoe were on the other foot the kids would be asking to see you instead. It's a natural thing - you are a safe zone for them to release these emotions. Upsetting for you but you sound like you're doing a good job.

I also think that if the genders were flipped here there'd be people decrying the Disney Dad. Take Mn With a pinch of salt on this topic.

A bit of a different angle on this one.. my advice is embrace the fact he misses Mum.. my ex really struggled with our DC says she missed me (Mum), he got really upset.. made a few unfortunate remarks over the years. It eventually became taboo... so much so DC doesn't feel she can even mention my name these days for fear of upsetting people. It's driven a wedge between her and her Dad.. and an even bigger one with her Step mum as she feels she's not ''allowed'' miss her Mum.

She doesn't mention missing her Dad much these days as she has free reign to call him when she pleases (old enough to have a phone..), but when she was little I used to respond to her saying she missed Daddy with ''shall we call him?'' or something similar so she had the option to reconnect with him.

Try and see it as an opportunity to nurture your son's emotional needs vs a reflection on your parenting or how they feel about you. I can assure you its not, and being the boring responsible parent ( I play that part too.. no planned 'days out' here) only builds deeper bonds over the years.

I think the biggest problem here is we don't know your children.

Is it the frequency, how were they with week each, home. Do they want one main home ?

The 50/50 split is not a bad thing if it works for the children - sometimes it doesn't and they sometimes. It can't be about i want my time.

That all said i have a minded child who will say i don't want Daddy i want Mummy but can also gonthe other way. But also didn't want to go to Daddies last week as he didn't want.to go without my laundry basket 🙄🤣

@Pinkyxx

A bit of a different angle on this one.. my advice is embrace the fact he misses Mum.. my ex really struggled with our DC says she missed me (Mum), he got really upset.. made a few unfortunate remarks over the years. It eventually became taboo... so much so DC doesn't feel she can even mention my name these days for fear of upsetting people. It's driven a wedge between her and her Dad.. and an even bigger one with her Step mum as she feels she's not ''allowed'' miss her Mum.

She doesn't mention missing her Dad much these days as she has free reign to call him when she pleases (old enough to have a phone..), but when she was little I used to respond to her saying she missed Daddy with ''shall we call him?'' or something similar so she had the option to reconnect with him.

Try and see it as an opportunity to nurture your son's emotional needs vs a reflection on your parenting or how they feel about you. I can assure you its not, and being the boring responsible parent ( I play that part too.. no planned 'days out' here) only builds deeper bonds over the years.

This is great advice.

Mother Nature for a reason, give children a break

I really agree with @Pinkyxx I'd hate to think my dc wanted to contact me and the other adult just brushed it off and tried to distract them. Indulging the need and then feeling secure knowing they can FaceTime mum whenever they want will probably mean they start relaxing and missing her less

My DS brings a family photo to school. Would it help if they brought their DM's photos.
Try not let it get you down. Pinkyxx has given great advice.
Hopefully DM will get onboard too.

I can guarantee they do the same to their mum. Kids aren’t stupid, they know what they’re doing, they know it upsets you. My boys are 11 and 9 and they still do it! I am able to tell them now though that I understand they want to see their dad but it doesn’t mean they’re allowed to say nasty things to me. And I never ever get offended when they do it, because I know they love me and want to see me. They have two different homes and we do things completely differently in both and that’s not a bad thing!

Try not to worry. And ignore them 😉

Thanks for all the nice comments and tips. I will for sure try the calling number option as many suggested. I actually think it will defuse the entire situation if they get 10 mins on the phone with her.

I'll take this onboard and try remember that they are doing it because they feel secure and nurture it as someone suggested.

Re another question, why one week off and one week on... well originally we two days of the working week each and a Friday (if it wasn't our weekend) so an example week for me would be

Monday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday.
The following week
Monday, Thursday, Friday.

Repeat

During lockdown #1 she wanted to swap to alternate weeks to minimise the exchanges. I went along with this.

She then wanted to change it so she had a long weekend (Friday to Sunday) which meant I'd then have them for 5 days consecutively as I'd also have them as above but including a Friday

Monday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday was my weekend week but also the following Monday.

Make sense? Stay with me here... it confuses me too. But this was the issue the kids raised.

So she sent me her new idea she's had with my son, which she's run past him... it now means me taking alternate Wednesdays. unfortunately I can't do Wednesdays but of course she didn't ask before coming up with and showing my son the new plan.

To be honest, regardless of the Wednesday, I don't think it's a good routine for the kids as there's too much swapping and changing. The ew one is as follows

Me:

Week 1
Monday and Thursday

Week 2
Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday

Week 3
Monday and Thursday

Week 4
Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday

And So on.

If I was a kid I wouldn't know it would be confusing as hell.

When we separated we had a documented plan that's part of our separation agreement that was

Me:
Monday's and Thursdays Saturday Sunday. The same the following week but I got the Friday rather than the weekend.

So we both got two days and a weekend swapping the Fridays.

I don't know why it's so bloody complicated and I'm sure switching to a 4th rota is not great for the kids. But she's adamant for a long weekend.

We do Wednesday to Wednesday, seven days on, seven days off. Means we both get them for a long weekend and then a long weekend off, so we can both make plans for going away (in normal times!) with or without the DCs. Also means they get to settle in without having to go back and forth so often, so they have two homes rather than constantly feeing unsettled by being on the move. I’d recommend trying it, if you can

Well that's what we did under lockdown 1# but she couldn't get any work done and wanted to change it again. I did explain that she's not the only single parent and I'm managing while running a business. Granted it's hard but it's tough isn't it, it's just what you have to do.

I'm trying to be as flexible as possible. I also have to tread carefully on what I say as it just ends up her getting upset and saying I'm trying to manipulate things. It's easier for all involved if I'm the one who compromises.

Perhaps under normal circumstances the week on/off might work but I suspect she doesn't want such a long duration / can't get any work done blah blah or she'd be suggesting it anyway.

My flexibility has resulted in me losing alternate Fridays so that she can have a long weekend.

I now (as of today) just have them two working days of the week plus alternate weekends. So I'm down one day a week but I had to compromise so she could have a long weekend 3 days.

It's really hard sometimes trying to work with a selfish ex, but I just have to remind myself that I'm doing things for my kids not me. As much as it hurts.!

I agree with you that there is far too much chopping and changing. If you feel like your kids need something different, then it may be best to put forward a proposal yourself and try to negotiate. If this isn't possible, mediation is always an option.

This doesn't mean you can't be flexible where needed, but it will give some structure the majority of the time.

Oh my god. This is not a good scenario.

Kids need stability and routine. Chopping and changing with week one two three and four is a head fuck for adults let alone children.

What is important is what is best for the children. Sit down together with various scenarios and talk it through.

Week on week off, where the week starts on a Wednesday (or something) seems like a good scenario. The kids know where they are going every night and there is a clear cut handover day. If that doesn't work, start with something at that level of complicated until you reach something that works. I would hate to go from pillar to post like that - inevitably I'd want to be elsewhere, and get really annoyed with it.

It is important to note that it is unlikely to be perfect for everyone, but the adults need to be the ones compromising, not the children. if the children don't feel secure and grounded, then that is not good for them, emotionally, physically, anything.

It is hard to settle the DC in this situation.
DC need stability they'll settle between you once you get a routine in order.
It is hurtful for you but will be worth it in the end.
Plan for the days you have them there's loads of affordable fun ideas on YouTube.

Yes I agree sadly my ex doesn't seem to, although says she does. I'm trying to be flexible but refuted the 4 week plan she proposed o the basis it gives the kids zero stability.

The current arrangement works 5 full days with me but as already mentioned the kids miss her. She didn't want to switch it round so she has 5 days... nor would she return to the original routine that both kids were happy with.

As such I've have compromised and lose one day a week. I feel like I've been cheated out of a day with them but it was the only way to get an agreement with my ex that worked for us both (work wise) and wasn't too much chopping and changing with the kids.

With hindsight prior to this post I wish I'd of just kept the problem to myself and instead implemented some of the advice mentioned. Like FaceTiming or calling mum. Sadly I will have to live an learn and accept the reduced time I get on the basis it's better for my kids.