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Original poster

Should I say something to ex?

37 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 02/11/2020 10:37

My ex took the kids to the cinema in the half term, this is the first time he has taken them out alone. At some point when they were in the cinema he left them alone to go to the toilet, my oldest has autism and when they were left alone they were approached by someone who said they were sat in the wrong seats, this caused a massive melt down for my daughter who started screaming and ran out of the room. Ex obviously heard the commotion and came to find her. He didn’t tell me any of this happened it was the other two children who told me. I’m not happy with him leaving them alone as she needs constant supervision.

He was also suppose to take our 3 year old but she didn’t want to go luckily as I think he would have left her as well! Now I’m feeling uncomfortable with him taking them out as he seems irresponsible. How can I speak to him about this without causing an issue? I haven’t said anything yet as I know he will make out like I am just being difficult.

OP posts:
FatherB · 02/11/2020 13:03

He left them all together to go to the toilet?

That doesn't sound like an issue, just an unfortunate incident.

I mean was he supposed to take your daughter in to the toilet with him?

Florin · 02/11/2020 13:07

How old are they? If he suddenly needed the loo I am not sure what else he could do?

Augustbreeze · 02/11/2020 13:40

I guess it's about their ages and esp the needs of the autistic child, whether professionals have ever stated/agreed that they cannot be left unsupervised, whether there have been previous incidents when left unsupervised, etc.

What would he say if you mentioned this to him?

lunar1 · 02/11/2020 13:41

How old are the all?

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 02/11/2020 13:58

Like I said she has autism and can’t be left alone, she is a runner or would wonder off, she has full 1:1 supervision at school as it’s not safe to leave her alone.
Im not criticising him as I realise it will be difficult but what do you think I do if I need the toilet in public they all come with me. The people who have said it’s ok would it be ok to leave a 3 year old as well then? As mentally my daughter is the age of a 4 year old.

The child ages are 9 (one with autism) 8 (awaiting an autism assessment) and 6.

OP posts:
BlueJag · 02/11/2020 14:15

Maybe he learned the lesson already. He returned to the seats and found a child in melt down and the others probably upset.
He is leaning so cut them some slack.
Maybe you can tell him how it is for you and how much you have to plan anything before going out even toilet visits.
He has to learn and he may listen to your advice or learn the hard way. Very difficult situation but he may not want your advice.

littlebirdieblue · 02/11/2020 14:22

I can understand where you are coming from, it was not what you would have done in his situation. But it was his first outing on his own with them all, and I'm sure he's learned he can't do it again. Maybe have a chat about what works for you when you are out and about with them on your own,

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 02/11/2020 14:25

Thank you yes I’m more concerned about what could have happened, she actually left the room she ran out screaming and I think he found her when he came out. Hopefully he has learned from it Which is why I haven’t mentioned it yet without seeking advice as I’m worried about my 3 year old going as I do believe he would have left her as well.

OP posts:
averythinline · 02/11/2020 14:28

I think you should tell him in writing text/email that he is not to leave them.

Giganticshark · 02/11/2020 14:43

I'd give him some support, sounds like a handful, especially as it's new to him.
Don't fall out over it, long term it's best to work as a team. Sounds like he was trying to do something nice and it turned out a but shit. I'm sure he didn't want it to.

Must be hard for you to hear about the incident as their mum.
Best of luck x

2Kidsinatrenchcoat · 02/11/2020 14:58

@Giganticshark

I'd give him some support, sounds like a handful, especially as it's new to him. Don't fall out over it, long term it's best to work as a team. Sounds like he was trying to do something nice and it turned out a but shit. I'm sure he didn't want it to.

Must be hard for you to hear about the incident as their mum.
Best of luck x

New to him? Taking them out alone might be new to him but given that their oldest child together is 9 I’d assume he’s been parenting for at least 9 years...
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 02/11/2020 18:20

Sadly it is new to him as he has been absent for the last 3 years. He has only been seeing them again since the summer and we built up to him having them on his own so I’ve been there so that get use to him again but I’ve told him he has to start taking them on his own now so this was the first time they’ve been out.

OP posts:
stout · 03/11/2020 07:14

Sorry OP but your messages seem a bit contradictory. You're telling him he has to take them out alone but also stating you don't really feel you can trust him to do so. Your username is givemeabreak and I suspect he's your best hope of that.

I realise it's hard but try not to give him a hard time and support him.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 03/11/2020 08:12

I’m not giving him a hard time I haven’t even mentioned it! I said I’m concerned he left them alone and asked if I should say anything about it. I’m glad so many are so happy to leave their small children alone in public but I bet if I done it as a mother people would be quick to judge. Of course he has to take them out without me we are not together anymore, he doesn’t come with me when I need to take them out yet amazingly I’ve managed to not leave them alone.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 03/11/2020 08:14

A really carefully worded message I guess.. The kids told me about the cinema, it's really tough isn't it? I tend to do X. Would that work next time?

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 03/11/2020 08:18

I think I will just leave it. The majority think it’s fine to leave children alone in public (even if they have autism) hopefully next time nothing more serious happens but I will just leave him to it.

OP posts:
MzHz · 03/11/2020 08:23

You would have foreseen this, he didn’t

Everyone is ok, and I dare say he had a massive shock.

If it were me, and if you have an otherwise good/cordial relationship then I’d say that I understood that there had been an incident at the cinema but both dc are ok, and dare say he’s a bit traumatised by it all, but that it’s not always obvious what the pitfalls are, so if he wants to run plans by you so you can forewarn him of potential pitfalls, by all means do so.

Did the dc otherwise enjoy the time with him?

I think it’s probably wise for him to take the older ones OR the younger one but not all 3 for now

I get that he was awol for years, but it pays off to be supportive and collaborative because it’ll improve things for the dc.

MzHz · 03/11/2020 08:25

In the usual run of things most of us would leave an 8 yo or 9 yo for 5 mins at a cinema- if there’s 2 of them, absolutely no brainer

The issue is here is that he had no idea about how the autism would change things

Donkeeey · 03/11/2020 08:29

I understand you are upset, you don't want your daughter to be distressed but are you really saying he should have taken a 9 year old girl and two other children aged 8 and 6 (you didn't say whether they were boys and girls) into the mens' room? That wouldn't have been right either would it? Were they watching the film at the time when he left them? If he had taken them with him and made them miss the film, that wouldn't have been right either would it?

I don't think he could win in that situation. Which situation was the most likely to upset your daughter? Taking her into the mens' room, making her miss part of the film or leaving her watching the film with her siblings? I would have chosen the option he took to be honest.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 03/11/2020 08:34

The film hadn’t started they said it was when they were watching the ads. If he takes the younger 2 out and the older 2 out that would mean only seeing them each once a month. Is that better? I think it might be better if I just suggest he stays local next time. He didn’t need to take her into the men’s he could have used the disabled toilet tbh. At the very least he could of taken them to the toilet with him and asked them to wait outside so they were in ear shot. But like I said I will leave it and just suggest that he takes them local from now on. And for those that said I would have known it would have happened, I didn’t actually think he would leave her, I was a bit surprised by that. Yes he hasn’t taken her out alone before but he knows the level of supervision she needs as we have been taking them out together.

OP posts:
Giganticshark · 03/11/2020 09:25

@2kidsinatrenchcoat yes it is new to him. Op says this

user1471462428 · 03/11/2020 09:32

Could you word in a suggestion that you both apply for a RADAR key. So
Dear Ex,
I’ve been investigating RADAR keys as we are not able to leave the children outside toilets due to the risk of the running away/ going into meltdown. If I get RADAR key I am happy to pass it over when you have the children so you are able to go the toilet!
@Givemeabreak88

RedMarauder · 03/11/2020 09:34

OP your ex can't win - if your child is a runner she could also have done a runner outside the disabled toilet especially if some adult came up to her and demanded why she was waiting for the disabled toilet. Unfortunately some adults are just mean and don't believe children are disabled unless they are in a wheelchair.

If your relationship is like MzHz said then send a message like that.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 03/11/2020 09:40

I guess my point with that was that at least they would know where he is, they aren’t familiar with this cinema as they don’t go there often (they are not massive fans of the cinema, so wasn’t sure where the toilets were) and he could of acted more quickly if they were right outside. I have said I accept that it will be difficult. But if they were right outside the door it would have given more time. I know the layout of the cinema and the toilets are out of the way. And I also wanted to tell him as we have a 3 year old like I said and she can’t be left alone either so he would also have to take her. Even if people think it’s ok to leave the 9 year old they can’t seriously think leaving a toddler would be ok?

Thank you user1471462428 that’s a perfect suggestion! I will do that.

OP posts:
FabulousIAm · 10/11/2020 14:21

Wow! I am astounded at the number of messages on here that reveal a lot of you know nothing about autism. Of course you don;t leave a nine year old kid with autism that means they are more like a younger child alone. Yes he should have taken them all with him - to the disabled toilets. As he knows his kid is autistic he should have done thorough research, spoken to the mother and taken her advice as she clearly has lived with this child and the others. Why are women so hell bent on cutting men slack - they have just the same responsibility as mothers! Looking after kids, especially autistic kids can be very hard work and tough titty if it seems like too much hard work to take them all to the loo, its just what you have to do. He should have taken them all to the loo first and devised a plan of what was going to happen if one or more needed the loo during the film. That's simply what you have to do in these situations. Take it from someone who has several years of experience with autism and taking autistic children, and adults on holiday and to events - planning is imperative, and he should have discussed with the mother what usually happens in these situations and then devised a plan of action. You cant be blase in these situations and as the father he has to simply get stuck into it, do his research and communicate fully with the mother for the safety of all the kids, especially the autistic daughter.

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