Should I say something to ex?

[Givemeabreak88]

My ex took the kids to the cinema in the half term, this is the first time he has taken them out alone. At some point when they were in the cinema he left them alone to go to the toilet, my oldest has autism and when they were left alone they were approached by someone who said they were sat in the wrong seats, this caused a massive melt down for my daughter who started screaming and ran out of the room. Ex obviously heard the commotion and came to find her. He didn’t tell me any of this happened it was the other two children who told me. I’m not happy with him leaving them alone as she needs constant supervision.

He was also suppose to take our 3 year old but she didn’t want to go luckily as I think he would have left her as well! Now I’m feeling uncomfortable with him taking them out as he seems irresponsible. How can I speak to him about this without causing an issue? I haven’t said anything yet as I know he will make out like I am just being difficult.

@FabulousIAm

Wow! I am astounded at the number of messages on here that reveal a lot of you know nothing about autism. Of course you don;t leave a nine year old kid with autism that means they are more like a younger child alone. Yes he should have taken them all with him - to the disabled toilets. As he knows his kid is autistic he should have done thorough research, spoken to the mother and taken her advice as she clearly has lived with this child and the others. Why are women so hell bent on cutting men slack - they have just the same responsibility as mothers! Looking after kids, especially autistic kids can be very hard work and tough titty if it seems like too much hard work to take them all to the loo, its just what you have to do. He should have taken them all to the loo first and devised a plan of what was going to happen if one or more needed the loo during the film. That's simply what you have to do in these situations. Take it from someone who has several years of experience with autism and taking autistic children, and adults on holiday and to events - planning is imperative, and he should have discussed with the mother what usually happens in these situations and then devised a plan of action. You cant be blase in these situations and as the father he has to simply get stuck into it, do his research and communicate fully with the mother for the safety of all the kids, especially the autistic daughter.

Thank you @FabulousIAm, that is a fantastic post! My job as a parent is to support my child and their needs, not to become responsible for the thoughts, feelings and actions of a full grown adult male. I have a 16 year old with autism, and what most posts have missed because they've been so focused on the toilet issue, she would fall apart at a stranger approaching her in conversation.

Thanks for the support. I was shocked by the comments telling me it was perfectly acceptable to leave an autistic child alone in public, but I guess those people don’t have much understanding of autism so they are basing their comments on a typical 9 year old. She needs constant supervision as she has limited social awareness no sense of danger etc, someone stepped on her toe in Tesco’s the other day and this caused her to jump up and down and scream and throw herself on the floor saying she needed to go to hospital so I can only imagine what her reaction was in the cinema, she actually ran out of the room but apparently that’s perfectly acceptable and what else is he meant to do 🤭 funny how I am with them 24:7 but I manage to not leave them unsupervised in public, what happens if he takes them shopping and needed the toilet would it be perfectly ok to leave them sat alone on a bench , what’s the difference? She would go with a stranger if they approached her as she has limited awareness. The comments are clearly based on a NT 9 year old but I can see that.

@Givemeabreak88 - unfortunately this thread has highlighted how unaware a lot of people are about autism. Its frigging ridiculous as far as I'm concerned how people are so ignorant about autism. And more to the point, these people dont necessarily need to know but a man who has an autistic kid does need to know. I re-read your initial post and saw that another of your children is being assessed too. You need to tell your ex in no uncertain terms that he needs to give himself a good kick up the arse, to listen to what you have to say and to do his own research - he also needs to sit himself down and read every single letter , appointment letter, and report on his kids and make a point of going along to (if it's appropriate for your circumstances) to follow up appointments etc. As we all should know, children don't stop being autistic when they become adults and he needs to know that his responsibilities don't end once his kids are grown. He needs to research, adapt, accept and embrace what is happening and know that ignorance isnt an excuse. If I were you, I'd state that he needs to accept his responsibilities, listen to you, and the professionals ( give him the phone numbers etc of professionals involved) and tbf I would say that he should take the kids out for a few hours very often, after speaking with you about how he should approach each situation. He needs to get used to it and know what he is doing and provide reassurance that he's going to listen to you and do his own research too. If he's not willing to take small steps often then it;s not safe, but he needs to be told that he is responsible for his kids and its his responsibility to ensure they are safe when they are with him - baldy b*llocks if he thinks it too much hard work - he has to do it. Autistic kids are ace, as are the kids that are raised alongside them and he needs to make sure he is fully aware of what they all need. People that have posted with such ignorance on this post need to go away and educate themselves.

@Redmarauder
He obviously wouldn't have left her outside the toilet! Why would she have been outside - they would have all been in the disabled toilet with him. Christ alive - it's like people have been living in some ableist neurotypical walled community with comments like this.

[quote FabulousIAm]@Redmarauder
He obviously wouldn't have left her outside the toilet! Why would she have been outside - they would have all been in the disabled toilet with him. Christ alive - it's like people have been living in some ableist neurotypical walled community with comments like this.[/quote]
So they would all be inside the disabled toilet whilst dad was using it? That’s not ideal either?

"So they would all be inside the disabled toilet whilst dad was using it? That’s not ideal either?"

I can't see who posted this so have quoted it instead

I can only assume you mean it wouldn't be ideal because disabled toilets are woefully small and don't consider circumstances like this, and you would be correct if this is what you meant.

If you are suggesting that a father/mother/carer etc cant have kids or adults that need to be cared for in the toilet with them, then you would be incorrect.

How do you think parents look after autistic/disabled/additional needs kids and adults and their siblings otherwise?!

How else do you think that carers go to the toilet, or, indeed, take the people they care for to the loo?

The alternatives are that all people who need to be consistently cared for and their siblings or carers all stay at home and do nothing - OR - the world caters for and changes for those that are in that position

which results in nobody ever needing to say "That's not ideal either."

I do wonder if a female 9 year old, autistic or not, would be happy crammed in to a small space with an until recently estranged male using the toilet. I do think it's especially unfortunate that the children were approached while he was gone. A chat about what happened and solutions (I'm not sure what they are) is the best bet surely? Sounds like it's quite challenging having them all out at once for you let alone someone not used to doing it so it's important you are able to be open with each other in order to make the early days go smoothly.

Challenging to take them all out at once? I have NO choice, he only sees them once a fortnight so however challenging for him it is it’s a daily thing for me, no one is here to help me or hold my hand. He has made the situation more difficult for himself as he has a 3 bedroom house but has decided instead of having a place to take his kids he will rent out every single room, so it’s his choice to take them out instead of having them at his house. It’s either he deals with it or he doesn’t see them as what other option is there? Going forward he needs to find a way to manage them out alone, like I do.

She would have been fine going to the toilet with him, it’s not ideal but at least she would have been safe. I’m sure other dads of disabled children manage or do they all just not take them out on their own 🤔

Yes but that's the point it's a daily thing for you and you have your methods and experience. Someone who has been estranged and only just begun to take them out will obviously not be a lie to do things like you can. I work with challenging children and can easily take out half my class and manage them. I go on to cover in the class next door and really struggle with different children. I know it's his own children but for whatever reason he's not been around and can't do the same job as you do (I sympathise, my ex is crap too. If it wasn't for his girlfriend my dc would not be safe in his care)

That sounds really scary but honestly could have happened to anyone even to you. I think it’s an unfortunate happening give him a chance, if there are repeat incidents then that’s a different story.

To be honest it may be best if the baby stayed for that particular outing.

Honestly I can not think of what else could he have done, hold the pee, ask someone random to look after them? Take her with him to the men’s toilets?

He may not have wanted to tell you because he was anticipating a very bad reaction on your side in which case it’s best to keep the peace and offer helpful advise, I can not comment from personal experience but can appreciate your challenges are harder than for us who are not parents to a child with autism.

Could he stay in with them at yours while you go out for a break sometimes? I know that's not really the point but it might help you both a little bit.

I’ve got no where to go so unfortunately not and he goes through my stuff so even more reason why I wouldn’t leave him alone in my house.

Sorry but it couldn’t happen to me as I wouldn’t leave them unsupervised so I don’t agree with that.