Family Court.. Tips for getting through it

[Keepyourfaith70]

Hi Lp's,
I'm about to embark on children's proceedings with my ex.
As a result of horrific DV which our DD was made subject to and suffered herself physically and psychologically, we were assisted by SS in fleeing. Ex p has been violent since I became pregnant with each assault intensifying. Police were called upwards of 10 times to the former family home, I've dealt with SS and child protection. I self referred to a DV agency who referred us to MARAC where we were assesed as high risk. Ex is a violent and abusive narc. He has abused our daughter also and now as a result of fleeing SS ordered that contact stop. Ex also has a history of stalking and harassing ex partners and their children. As we've fled to a location that's confidential he is never permitted to know where we live and where our daughter goes to nursery.
I suppose what I'm saying is I'm really scared, the SW has assured me on many occasions that due to the severity of the abuse towards our daughter he will never ever have overnight contact.. She said at best he is looking at one hour in a contact center once a fortnight. I'm really scared he will get direct contact because he will ruin our daughters life and use her to control and manipulate me and he will also poison her. I'm due to speak to CAFCASS next week and I'm so scared they'll be biased and side with him. In typical abuser style he's now saying I'm the violent abuser and I abuse our daughter supposedly :( he's put an application into the Family Court for permanent residency of our daughter.
I'm genuinely scared.
My solicitor has advised me we will be pushing for interim indirect contact at the first hearing due to the safeguarding risks and contact puts us at risk of being stalked and our address being revealed.
What am I looking at long term.. Can anyone advise on their experiences in family court with an abusive ex and what contact was awarded to them.
It's such a horrible feeling.
Our daughter is so happy and settled and more importantly safe.. For the first time in her life she is living in an abuse free household.

Bump.

I don't have any advice but I couldn't read and not reply. You poor thing I can't even begin to imagine what you went through. You day the police were contacted numerous times have you contacted the police to getbyhese files? You have evidence of the abuse. The courts are there for the best interests of your child theyre not going to risk putting the child in a potentially dangerous situation.

You are an amazing brave mother

Hi, thank you for replying.
Yes I have all my police reports now, it's in excess of 200 pages long. The neighbours also gave several statements across the time we were being abused.
It's just awful :( feel sick to the stomach thinking about court proceedings. x
Thank you x

Its natural to think the worst possible scenario when your in a situation like this but the court will always go in the best interest of the child and if there's even the smallest risk (in this case the risk is massive) to the child they will not allow it.

They may allow visit in a contact center although is is unlikely. If this does happen its unlikly your ex partner will bother as people with narcissistic tendencies don't like to be told when they can see the child or be watched in that manner hence hes gone for custody to regain control. Usually if things aren't on the terms of the narc they won't cooperate

Disagree to all forms of contact quoting possible psychological damage to you and your daughter considering what you've been through. How is 'indirect' contact supposed to take place if your address is hidden? You need a clean break in a situation like that and you are not going to achieve that if as by form of contact happens. Ask for measure not to physically see him in court.

@TRus letters/cards will be sent to a third party e.g. the OP's solicitor and forwarded on to the recipient. As solicitors are very good about not giving out personal details, he will start of doing it and when his rants don't get a reply he will stop.

Hi all - I have name changed.. but it is OP.
Basically I spoke to CAFCASS today and was pretty shocked.. the cafcass lady was absolutely lovely and I got the sense she believed the allegations I was stating were genuine and proven... I didn't know that she was allowed to tell me ex partners previous police history... she reeled it off and I was utterly shocked! he had a convicting for brandishing a knife on someone!!!!! - CAFCASS officer said in these circumstances they would never ever endorse interim contact because there are too many safeguarding risks.. she was genuinely concerned after the things i told her about the abuse.
I just wonder if my daughter stands a chance of being safe for the rest of her life and not ever seeing him again, it's obviously going to absolutely rile him up to know he's not going to be given interim contact.. Cafcass officer has ordered there to be a fact finding hearing after the FHDRA.. does anyone know how long after the first hearing that's likely to happen, my solicitor said it could be up to a 6 month wait and even when they get listed they get relisted sometimes...

Didn,t you have a post like this the other wk?

That's beside the point re hiding her address. He can track her down through his children and courts as non molestation order will expire at some point.
Unless she is prepared to have him in her life forever ( and that is ultimately narcissist's objective), she needs to nip contact in the bud. There is a way of doing that legally, just be firm. As I said she will find any correspondence from him distressing as a primary caregiver and it will give him an opportunity to keep hold of her.

@june2007

Didn,t you have a post like this the other wk?

Seems a different handle.

Hope what I have written is helpful. Solicitors, ss and Caffcass could not care less about what happens to children. If you want a quiet life with your children, have nothing to do with him.

@TRus very helpful..
He will definitely try and probe from DD where we live.. that really frightens me.
No interim contact has been ordered and there will a fact finding hearing so it is just getting past that and hoping fact is found that he is the perpetrator!

Literally anyone can apply through courts to find out where their children are.
And bear in mind to be able to see ones children is theirs and their dad's human right. So judge will have to have a very good reason to refuse all contact.

@TRus and I did elaborate on that and say that I acknowledge its DD's right to see her dad, but DD's right to be safe precedes that and she is not safe with him, in a supervised setting because supervised contact paves the way to unsupervised.

Depending on your circumstances, I would even consider changing your children's names.
That's after you've gone through courts. It is not impossible. I am afraid the courts and Caffcass will not follow your logic.

@TRus have you been through this process? what was your outcome?

@TRus I can't comment for what you've been through, but my ex has a conviction for brandishing a knife on someone and also various harassment and stalking offences, he has psychologically and physically ABUSED a 2 year old child.. the Courts purpose is to safeguard DD... if it is NOT in her BEST interest to have contact and detrimental for her welfare then they will not order direct contact - that is what every professional has told me!

[quote Pebbledashery]@TRus have you been through this process? what was your outcome?[/quote]
Not reassuring. As they awarded contact a few years down the line. He lied very convincingly and they made mistakes deliberately in reports.
That's why I am saying don't trust Caffcass and lawyers. You are the primary caregiver and anything to do with access will be distressing to you. That is if you are found to be the victim. Don't forget he will be given a chance to give his side of story.

I am in the process of trying to find a free barrister at the minute.

[quote Pebbledashery]@TRus I can't comment for what you've been through, but my ex has a conviction for brandishing a knife on someone and also various harassment and stalking offences, he has psychologically and physically ABUSED a 2 year old child.. the Courts purpose is to safeguard DD... if it is NOT in her BEST interest to have contact and detrimental for her welfare then they will not order direct contact - that is what every professional has told me![/quote]
In all fairness, if anyone ever dared causing damage to my child, they wouldn't have made it to the courtroom.
My situation is different, as I knew the contact would be psychologically damaging to both of us but my child was too young at the time remember anything. So they assumed it would be ok to reintroduce him into our life.
Stick to your guns and remember to ask for all protection you can. Question anything you disagree with in Caffcass reports, in writing. Looks like you are doing the right thing. You can change your children's names until child arrangements order is made, depending on your circumstances. Worth looking into.

@TRus - thank you - how old are your children? I think the CAFCASS officer I spoke to said the concern was that DD was replicating his behaviour from acts of violence she had witnessed, the very next day she would hit or push a child at Nursery when it has been completely out of character for her... also - the fact she is 2 years old.. I reported him to SS and the Police for child abuse... the SW we actually had was genuinely SHOCKED to the core by his refusal to admit anything when the evidence is there in black and white...
Did your ex get any interim contact? x

I would absolutely LOVE to get her surname changed!

[quote Pebbledashery]@TRus - thank you - how old are your children? I think the CAFCASS officer I spoke to said the concern was that DD was replicating his behaviour from acts of violence she had witnessed, the very next day she would hit or push a child at Nursery when it has been completely out of character for her... also - the fact she is 2 years old.. I reported him to SS and the Police for child abuse... the SW we actually had was genuinely SHOCKED to the core by his refusal to admit anything when the evidence is there in black and white...
Did your ex get any interim contact? x[/quote]
You are on very slippery grounds, as your daughter potentially witnessed domestic violence.
It is quite normal behaviour for toddlers by the way as they lack words to express their feelings.
Your job is to be best behaviour, protect your daughter, have nothing to do with your ex, log and report all his attempts to contact you. Do a Freedom programme or counselling to explore why you get involved with violent partners. It will help in the future.
My children were toddlers and he was hurting me in front of them on a number of occasions. Unfortunately in my case they decided to recommend contact on the basis they were too young to remember at the time. Every case is unique.
He had interim with letters and postcards.
I caved in eventually for the benefit of children. Men like that normally don't change. If he is clever he will do anything to make your life as miserable as possible.

I got my two eldest children's names changed . I had left him in 2001 after he was accused of a terrible crime. He had been abusive towards me and it was a very toxic relationship. I met my OH. Two years later and he is the only dad my kids remember. In 2006 we had booked our wedding and I went to court to get their surnames changed. Ex was vehemently against it desire having no contact at all at that point and he would be in prison for 9 years. In the end it was HIS solicitor that told him it was in the children's best interests to have their name changed so they could but be linked to his crimes in the future and they could avoid the shame of being linked to him. The judge agreed on the basis that we were getting married, being a cohesive family unit was vitally important to us for my children's stability and we also got a residency order So if anything gained to me, my husband could keep the kids together. Ex was furious but is the best thing I ever did.

Oh he's hugely clever. He's as calculated as they come. Lots I could tell you but very shocking. I safeguarded DD by removing both myself and her out the house.. Social services assisted us in fleeing so they know how dangerous he was. Its my lifes work to protect and safeguard her.. Like you say every case is different.. Did the section 7 make the recommendation for contact.. I think where we've relocated to a confidential address and he would stalk me is why they are not allowing interim contact as well as the fact he's a violent abuser that will physically harm and psychologically damage DD. Cafcass officer actually asked me lots of questions about me and my concerns for further domestic abuse towards me.. I did say to her every day he hasn't found me is a blessing and I'm only safe until then. He is capable of murder.

@hotpatootiebootie do you think I could make a request for the specific order issue.. Because DD has his surname. She's the only one in my family without his surname and its just her and I on a daily basis so she may grow up wondering why she has a different surname to me and also why she may not potentially see her father.. Actually I have to say.. My daughters previous social worker said I should look to getting his PR removed as well.. But i know that's incredibly rare..

Only one in my family without my surname even.