why do you feel discriminated against?

[inquisitiveinga]

Hi all,

As you may have seen from a post I've made on a previous thread- I am a single working mother and also a third year university student who is focusing a dissertation on the feelings/emotions of single motherhood.

Nothing on here will be used formally, I'm just really curious as to what affects you as a single mother (be it articles in the media, 'funny' looks in public, feelings of invisibility regarding finances/housing etc). Equally, I'd be really interested to hear if, as a single mother, you don't feel stigmatised (I'd be really pleased to hear that actually!)

Thanks for reading.

I was raised by a single mother who was only made single due to my father walking out unexpectedly not long after I was born. Seeing the hate and stigma single mothers gets grates me so much. Of all people in the world to be deserving of such negativity.

Hello,
I am really lucky and not had many negative experiences. My Very beautiful friend commented that other women don’t like talking to her in the playground any more because they worry she may take away their husbands. I initially thought that a silly comment but as time has gone on, I have noticed how some wedded friends have kept me at bay and I can’t help wondering if that’s the reason. It’s a very subtle change from other woman that I’d say is almost done unconsciously but it’s like as a single female, you’re deemed a threat to other peoples happy wedded bliss. Men on the other hand are more oblivious but I have found when I’ve been out on dog walks and got chatting to a man, they will almost always make a point of mentioning their wife or partner and this making a point that they are unavailable! I never noticed this type of behaviour before I was single... maybe because it seemed a natural way of talking back then because I don’t think I send out ‘single’ vibes (I have a boyfriend of three years anyway) and neither has my behaviour changed in that I always talked to both men and women whilst out on my dog walks because it’s boring doing same thing every day so am always looking for someone to talk to!!

I just realised that I’m not really single as I have the boyfriend! It’s a complicated situation and we don’t see each other very often so I still class myself as single... even though technically I’m not... anyway I love him, it works and am not looking for anyone else! His ex is a narcissist and has made things extremely difficult for us but that’s a whole new post! X

I haven't encountered any prejudice except one relative who is very old fashioned. Other than that people assume you must need a man and can't possibly prefer remaining single!

I have had the same experience as 5413sandy. Also, school mums only seem to want to have a coffee if there is something going wrong in their marriage and they want to know “how I do it” as a single parent. They want to consider their options over usually low level/death by a thousand paper cuts stuff. I tell them to talk to their husband. I feel like I have saved about 5 marriages at this point just by telling them to talk🙄 They then seem to avoid me as though they are embarrassed or are worried I might tell their secret. It is very frustrating.

One thing I don't get about the single mother bashing is why the parent who actually stayed for their child/ren and is caring for and providing for them is the only that gets demonized and an undeserving stigma. Why isn't there disgust and scorn for the deadbeat, uncaring parent who abandoned their family in the first place and neglected their parental duties? And then there's other reasons why a mother might be single and most aren't bad. A single mother who's husband died can't be faulted for that, and what if the relationship became bad and she got her and her child/ren out of it. There's just too many variables and it's not right or fair at all to pass judgment on a single parent considering the numerous reasons why they might be single.

Don't even get me started when people cite "statistics" and spout nonsense about how children raised by single mothers grow up to be criminals and wind up in prison and the majority of prison inmates are fatherless. I'm at the point if I hear anything about that one more time...

Don't feel like I've ever had any negative reactions to being a single mother. Not something that I think about or impacts me at all.

I only feel discriminated against by the way society is structured which makes it hard for me to have a career and give my kids the attention they deserve and need. And the way I struggle more financially than my friends in 2 parent families.
I think it’s sad that people (my parents for example) think that I won’t be happy until/unless I find a partner but that’s not overt discrimination.

Exactly. I’ve never experienced overt discrimination, but the way society is set up for two-parent families is discrimination as I see it, though. I think if there was more societal (and definitely financial) support for single parents, I’d be far more advanced in my career than I am, for example.

Like @Hollybollybooboo I don't encounter much discrimination. And even if I did, I'd give it short shrift. It would say more about the ignorance of the source than it would about me. Their loss. 😉

Twelve years in, I've had one comment from someone at work "oh, you're a single mother! sniff" and one snotty comment from a primary head teacher who was renown for her snobbishness.

I'm a good mum, my DS is happy, healthy, polite and well balanced. I've worked nonstop to give him a secure home, warmth and stability. We are doing ok even in Covid times. Other people's opinions couldn't be less important to me.

Never felt "discriminated". But I am pretty indifferent to other people's opinions anyway.
I did feel left out a lot by other mums, but it was due to me being foreign more than anything else.

The school were rather insensitive. When they asked four year olds to bring wedding photos in. My son couldn't remember his father as we separated due to DV when he was very young and this request from school put me in a terrible position. It hurt.

the worst times for me have been bring your dad to school day at primary. So insensitive to the many kids whose dads are not around.
"Family deals " of any kind are always annoying as work on the basis of 2 adults and 2 kids. We generally only pay a pound or 2 less than a family of 4 to get in to anything which sucks when we are a quarter smaller.
I find we are not included in a lot of get togethers of friends as there is no Male to be company for my friends husband.
Also it is very hard to exercise, or maintain any kind of social life when your kids are too young to be left alone. So I found I withdrew socially a lot. And did not let them get involved with any activities like PTA and so on.

I work for one of those “big 4” and as you can imagine there is a certain prestige attached to these employers, so I never expected a colleague to ask me if my son was planned. I was shocked and it must have been obvious from my face because he sincerely apologised and later told me that he had mental health problems and sometimes found it difficult to know when not to say inappropriate things like that. I thought he was genuine and I accepted his apology.

Then a few months later a female colleague who is married was talking with me and another lady and she was taking about Michelle Obama she mentioned something about her background and how she “didn’t come from a broken home with a single parent” I could tell she immediately realised her comment singled me out (she fully knew my situation and had always been perfectly lovely to me) she didn’t apologise and we all sort of carried on but boy that one hurt me, it made me think of my LB and how one day he might be described as coming from a broken home. I mean come on there are no cracks in this house.

When I was looking for a place to rent after I got divorced 3 landlords turned me down. I can only put this down to the fact I am a single mum, I have rented in London for many years before and not once I got turned down because my salary is in the 2%. Luckily I was able to find an old school landlord who came to the uk from Ireland, I never failed rent i. 3 years and I am grateful he let me rent what was an amazing home for us when we needed it.

I have learnt that often it’s a misguided comment spoken without much thought that becomes the little out down that my hurt you as a single parent but at the end of the day you have to carry on and not let casual discrimination to dictate your life.

@TRus that’s appalling from the school and I hope you complained how insensitive of them and intrusive

DD is 3.5 and so far I don't feel that we have encountered any problems purely as a result of me being a single parent. Obviously finances would be easier if there was another working parent in the family but I haven't met with any negativity about being a single parent.

I conceived intentionally as a single parent via a fertility clinic. Even this element is mostly met with positive comments. It did affect one friendship, however, as they felt that what I chose to do was wrong; it's a shame but I don't lose sleep over it.

I shouldn't feel like a single parent as my DC see their dad, but responsibility is always skewed towards me.

There is an assumption that my work can be dropped if DCs ill, but exH (their dad) should not be bothered to consider helping with them. According to him, this is because he 'works 40h' a week while I'm 'only P/T at 24h' a week (4 days). We both have professional roles and his logic about working hours doesn't help, as I work set hours and he's the one with very generous flexi-time. He has a pattern of care, but ignores this if they are ill simply because he can.

Ive felt stigma for looking young, I had funny looks for looking like a teen mum, I wasn't I was well into my 20s - not that that should have made any difference.
Ive felt stigma for being single, Ive had comments from people insisting I need a man and couldn't possibly be happy without one.
My line manager is also a single parent and incredibly supportive.

Ive never felt discriminated against or stigma for being a single parent though from other people. I was hard on myself to begin with, DD was the result of contraception failure at Uni, I ended it with her dad as soon as I found out I was pregnant however he is still very much involved, a good dad even though he wasn't a good bf. I put a lot of pressure on myself for returning home and being everything I had tried to leave the town for and it wasn't until I watched a programme on single parenthood in the past (possibly presented by Jameela something from an 00s girl band) and read Tess of the D'Urbevilles that really put things into context for me. Life wasn't as planned but I wasn't forced to give Dd up, placed in a mental institute or forced to marry her dad. I had money, a council flat and life would be ok.
I think possibly partly down to my own ideas of stigma (children by different dads - shouldn't matter but did to me at the time) I chose not to date or have more children but to focus on sorting myself out, learnt to drive, bought my council flat, started a second degree to retrain for a career.

I think stigma is often something we impose upon ourselves. More often than not people are too focused on themselves and how they are perceived than focusing on others.

Covid-19
I am a single Mum.
I have wrap around care.
I have no family locally and family I do have are vulnerable.
I have no support bubble.
My child has been told to isolate twice now - no symptoms - because primaries are sending whole classes home (secondaries are sending individual trace contacts).
I have a part-time job 3 days a week.
I am in my probationary period.
Child cannot be left home alone - too young.
How am I expected to work? How?
There is no emergency/danger money/Covid standard isolation childcare out there and even if there was, I would be breaking even.
Lone parenting isn't a protected characteristic but I wish it were.

I think the childcare situation when you're a lone parent is really hard.
Courts favour a clean break in divorce these days and it's considered that women should be economically active. Yet absolutely no quarter is given for ongoing childcare expenses and I think this is a disgrace.
Whilst a mother might receive a higher divorce settlement because she has to house the kids and it may be recognised that she's already compromised her earning potential, the non-resident parent has absolutely no obligation to share childcare or expenses. CMS bears no relation to costs of childcare.
It's soul destroying to have to literally run between work and childcare, take your child to your hairdresser or your smear test appointment.
There's an expectation from employers to work late or socialise which becomes a source of stress and expense to arrange.
I've been sat in senior management meetings where the men kick back and ramble on in the knowledge that their kids are taken care of whilst I have to excuse myself and either hastily impose on friends or run up the street and get a cab to make it back in time. Its really not a level playing field and it's infuriating.

Good on you! I'm a solo mum to seven year year old and always have been (my daughter has never met her dad) and we both feel it every day unfortunately. She goes to a private school and I work full time with no child support whatsoever which is fine by me but people always assume I have that support, or I work part time or have this huge village of support behind me. I only have the one but sometimes that's as hard as two or three (I've had a partner with two girls that I had to leave) as one needs you almost more to play board games, throwing balls etc etc and a lot of the time it's exhausting but it's even more rewarding so always remind yourself at night how hard you've worked and what you've achieved for your family and for you and create like even the smallest amount of time a week for self love and care so you can do it all again

I do not feel discriminated against at all. In fact I have been praised for doing it all alone. Not sure if that is because I was a homeowner for years prior to having a child or if it was because I was in my 30's becoming a mum but I have never encountered anything negative. I work full time, from home now, and parent alone as my childs dad chose not to be in our lives. All I have done is gotten along with it all!

I feel this for sure.

I have a 5 year old we have been on our own for around 4 years. We are really happy, have a great home, financially stable, i have a good career with brilliant working arrangements, holiday home etc etc

I've had work colleagues say, your a single parent, that's a shame.

I was pursued by the vicar at the local play group for years who zoomed in on me several times to ask if any prospect of reconciling with the child's father... I don't know the vicar, he doesn't know my sons father.

At work whilst I have a good set up, I often feel I miss out on some of the meatier work, I think they thing as I'm a single parent I've got a lot on my plate, I've absolutely never played on this and am really accommodating with work. Often they assume, wrongly that I'm not interested in attending certain things or I'm restricted in doing things due to my circumstances, so I get far less opportunities. I dont think this is malicious I think people genuinely think they are shielding me from pressure or something

On holiday we are quite obviously on our own and whilst the child mixes with other families children, I'm not really included or kept at a arms length, I've no doubt this wouldn't be the case with a man beside me

Maybe it's me that feels it and I'm wrong

@Kent1982 I used to go on holiday (ah back in the day when we could go abroad!) with single parent family holiday companies. Was great to know others in your same situation and for the kids to have someone to play with. I am not in the UK so no point my telling you the names of these companies but if you do a search you might find some where you are. I rarely kept in touch with any of the mothers afterwards but sure the point was to just go away or even stay in your own country and know you have someone to watch your child while you go to the bar, or get some buffet food and you and the kids have company.

Yesterday I discovered that doing a Covid swab on a scared, uncooperative young child is a task that is pretty much impossible as a single parent. We've done them a few times previously with no drama at all but yesterday DD was scared.

I think this is the first time in 4 years that there has been something that I can’t do because I’m on my own where having a partner would have made a difference.

This isn’t stigma or discrimination but seemed like a good thread to park this on.

I’ve managed all DD’s other medical needs up to this point including finding a lump in her neck (thankfully turned out to be benign) then having to do unconformable physio on her as a newborn up until 12m, allergic reactions, sickness bugs, hospital for bronchiolitis - all handled fine on my own, but thwarted by a little plastic swab stick and it nearly broke me!

Urgh. Don’t get me started. The misogyny in our society is alive and kicking. Amazing fathers who see their kids once a fortnight. No political will to make child maintenance important, essential and something only genuinely awful parents get away without paying, rather than all those who give it a try. Utter shite such as ‘she got the house’ and ‘who know what happens behind closed doors’ when women are put in hospital by abusive men. The difference between ‘working families’ where a SAHM and tax credits is acceptable but a single working mum claiming tax credit is a ‘benefit scrounged’. Maintenance and tax credits referred to as ‘handouts’. The fact that I own my own home met with raised eyebrows and comments made by the school run mums along the lines of ‘how can she afford that if we go on holiday or I carry a handbag that doesn’t say ‘Lidl’ on it. The absolute entitlement that some people feel when it comes to knowing the finer detail of your life, no shame in asking what you earn vs how much you get in handouts, demands to know who that man was and are your children getting yet another new uncle when you made polite chit chat with a man whilst waiting for the bus....