why do you feel discriminated against?

[inquisitiveinga]

Hi all,

As you may have seen from a post I've made on a previous thread- I am a single working mother and also a third year university student who is focusing a dissertation on the feelings/emotions of single motherhood.

Nothing on here will be used formally, I'm just really curious as to what affects you as a single mother (be it articles in the media, 'funny' looks in public, feelings of invisibility regarding finances/housing etc). Equally, I'd be really interested to hear if, as a single mother, you don't feel stigmatised (I'd be really pleased to hear that actually!)

Thanks for reading.

I remember being told by a friend of my DM that I didn't need to do a nice party for DS christening as "no one will expect it from someone like you" . I was asked straight out if I'd "done it to get a council house" even though I was not living in one. Told I was stupid and neglecting my child for working and studying as I'd be as well off on benefits. But then when I found myself out of work for a few months I should get a job and set an example. That was 20 years ago. I'm a lone parent again now and so far people have been less judge. Is it the times we are living in or the fact that I'm older, own house, car etc now? Basically they don't view me as a young female who can be spoken down to and bullied.

@Isthatitnow Utter shite such as ‘she got the house’ and ‘who know what happens behind closed doors’. Absolutely.

Apart from that nonsense, I don’t feel my life is different now, divorced with teens, that when I was married with a husband who had mentally checked out of the family.

I actually rather feel sorry for the married parents.

The sympathy for my DC from a "broken" home, although they don't see arguing or major issues. Then my DS comes back and tells me his friends parents argued when he was visiting, but obviously they have a perfect home?

Single mother to a 5 year old DD.

I haven't experienced any negativity or judgement (other than from myself to myself in the early days).

Not fussed what other people think about me anymore.

Definitely excluded from social Mum events, the school mums kept me at arm's length.

It does mean I knew who my friends were though.

Childcare if children are ill or in covid times having to exclude-definitely. Buck stops with me. They have a dad. He has them eow and absolutely no more. Used to have them more frequently when he had a girlfriend but they split up over lockdown and it's gone down to bare minimum. I use up all of my holiday allowance on my children's illness. Not really sure how that could be rectified though, hardly seems fair to have a 'single parent' paid time off allowance (although it's not really fair that my exh buggered off and left me to it)

Career progression. My old career just isn't suited to single mum life, certainly not with the age of my children at the moment. Lots of work brought home and working all weekend. So I've started right at the bottom and I love what I'm doing. But to refrain will involve night work. Fortunately I have incredible parents who will move heaven and earth to get me through my training but many don't have that option. If for whatever reason they can't then I'm scuppered. Meanwhile my ex steadily climbs the ladder, has meetings late into the evenings he's supposed to have our children...it just doesn't factor into his thoughts that he needs to plan his work and life around childcare. I would love for there to be truly flexible affordable childcare to allow people back into ALL sectors not just the term time 9-3 type jobs that, let's face it, don't pay much and don't offer much progression. I'm painfully aware that once my children turn 18 the maintenance I receive for them will go. I need to be in a position where I'm earning enough by then that I won't miss it

Socially it hasn't been too awful. My best friend has a blended family and she became my best friend very much through scooping me up and offering me her wisdom when my ex first walked out. She's not local to me though. I did feel bit 'branded' when it first happened but this was probably self consciousness, people were mostly horrified for me when they found out and couldn't have been nicer. Sometimes though it can be a bit, I dunno, wistful making when I'll be at a bbq with couples and they're divvying up the child wrangling or discussing who's going to do what when they get home. It's not all bad though, sometimes I'm very grateful to be the only adult in the house when I hear about the bickering and the snoring. Recycling week can absolutely get in the sea though, so many bins to put out and my two darlings always manage to have the most almighty fight while I'm doing it 😉

Family tickets are annoying although I've noticed some places are starting to get with the times and offer alternatives. 'Fortunately' I have a disabled child so often I will be able to get a carers ticket but I do scope out the family deals just to see if they're still the typical 2 adults 2 children.

It can be really lonely. When your kid does something hilarious or stupid or it's a birthday or a Christmas or whatever and you just want to share that moment with the one other person who made that kid too. That can't really be replicated, although grandparents and godparents do a good job a trying even if it is WhatsApp

Housing. I lived with my parents for several years until I'd found my feet and it definitely got to the point where we were all quite ready for some space. Started to look around for private rent and good lord it was difficult. I was working full time, not minimum wage either but was also receiving top up benefits and it was so so hard to persuade landlords to let me view. Apparently the benefits were viewed as insecure income. Even though anybody could lose their job and be out of a wage the following month. Benefits are as secure as wages are in that respect. Fortunately I ended up securing a housing association place through a series of other people dropping out and me being 4th on the list or something bonkers otherwise I'm not sure how I ever would have done it. And even if I had the constant worry of being at the mercy of a landlord deciding to sell up or move back in would have preyed on my mind-would I have to move again, would I have to find another deposit, would I need to change the kids' school etc. I appreciate this isn't exclusive to single parents but two incomes do alleviate those worries a little

I think the most negative reaction I've ever had was my eldest's teacher at his first school who was very sniffy at me going back to work and took great delight in telling me how much he hated after school club. That was unnecessary.

I have a very close bond with my children. I am their security and their home. I am also their safe place for their emotions and their rages. A weekend once a fortnight is very little time to recover from the intensity of this kind of parenting and even pre covid there wasn't an awful lot of enriching single person activity going on. No art galleries or cinema or the like. More like collapsing on a Friday night and sleeping for the next couple of days before the cycle starts up again. But I have faith that this will get easier as they get older. I hope so anyway! The mental load is enormous but so is the freedom to do things my way I suppose. I've been a single parent longer than I've been one in a couple so really, it's pretty much all I've known or can properly remember. It's not all bad at all and I have a good life. I would mainly just like the damn logistics to be easier!

It seems massively unfair that I taxed far more than a couple who each earn half of what I do, so have the same household income. They have more opportunity to work and have free time than me, and I have to pay more, even though I am doing it alone.

@PolkadotGiraffe

It seems massively unfair that I taxed far more than a couple who each earn half of what I do, so have the same household income. They have more opportunity to work and have free time than me, and I have to pay more, even though I am doing it alone.

Yes, I agree with that.

If you had a household income if £85k

£85k, one earner = £4828 net & no entitlement to child benefit

£42.5k each = £5423.66 plus an entitlement to child benefit.

What about this one? Not strictly a lone parent thing but a single person thing. If I died and was married my partner would get a “widow’s pension” from my company scheme. But as I am divorced the kids will only get a much smaller sum - no ongoing payment. Yet as their father has no interest in supporting them they will need whatever money I pass on even more! This is becoming more irrelevant as they become older. But it’s clear discrimination. I am the same person who made the same contributions, married or not, and I have dependents who are not yet capable of earning a living. Unlike a grown adult left as a widow/widower!

@Nikhedonia same applies to student maintenance loans. My kids won’t be able to get a full maintenance loan as I am a “higher earner” but there is just one of me. If there were two adults and each earned half my salary then they would be entitled to all sorts of bursaries etc.

@Nikhedonia yes exactly. No eligibility for child benefit, tax free childcare/ 30 hours free childcare, and just general hammering on income tax etc that a couple with the same joint income don't have to deal with. Being a single parent who works is physically and mentally more demanding and leaves little free time and is more expensive (e.g. I have to get a babysitter even to go to the gym!) but I am taxed MORE than a couple with the same income when in fact there should be tax breaks.

[quote catspyjamas123]@Nikhedonia same applies to student maintenance loans. My kids won’t be able to get a full maintenance loan as I am a “higher earner” but there is just one of me. If there were two adults and each earned half my salary then they would be entitled to all sorts of bursaries etc.[/quote]
This too. The entire tax system is stacked against us and making that fair would make more difference than any other measure I can think of.

I understand why separate taxing of incomes rather than on a household basis was introduced, and that's fine. But there should be a check and balance system (like the benefit cap works but in reverse so it caps what HMRC can take), so that no sjngle parent pays more than they would had that same income come from two earners. The £100,000 earnings limit on tax free childcare and 30 hours free childcare should be doubled to £200,000 if a single parent. The point at which child benefit starts to be clawed back should be doubled to £100,000 and so on. The measly Council Tax discount for being the lone adult in the house should be 50% not 25% discount. Tax free allowance should be doubles, and 20% and 40% tax rates kick in at double their rate for couples. That would even things up a lot. Plus doubling the thresholds when considering University funding for the children supported by a lone parent.

If you could get even half of that done through your research OP, you will transform the lives and opportunities of thousands of single parents and their children. Apparently the Government has pledged to "level up" disadvantage so this would be a great place to start. If they meant it...

@Enough4me

The sympathy for my DC from a "broken" home, although they don't see arguing or major issues. Then my DS comes back and tells me his friends parents argued when he was visiting, but obviously they have a perfect home?

It's normal for people to argue you know. I will agree though a single parent household can be a lot happier.

I'm totally cool with being a single parent and have a decent career. There have been times I have heard people making comments about single mothers being desperate for men (er, no) and also remarks about single mothers acting "chavvy" and "walking around without a wedding ring, proud as punch". Whatever.

One of the people who make your life really difficult as a lone parent are courts and court social services, oddly enough. They lack understanding of children and what matters to them, services often lack integrity and have their own very warped agenda, and being involved in this process when there is no need for this certainly harms children and puts families with lone parent at a disadvantage. They practically usher abusive expartner back into your life. I am sitting here not daring to open letter from solicitors fearing legal application was refused four times. Then what am I going to do. I stand little chance against a trained solicitor in court, no matter how much the Judge would want to do the right thing.

@firesong

I'm totally cool with being a single parent and have a decent career. There have been times I have heard people making comments about single mothers being desperate for men (er, no) and also remarks about single mothers acting "chavvy" and "walking around without a wedding ring, proud as punch". Whatever.

"desperate for men" yeah right. I have heard comments like that "oh, she invited your children for playdate and their father, it's very suspicious, I would be worried, at the end of day where else is she going to meet men other then playground". Rest assured, the last thing a single Mum with small children needs in her life is getting involved with your husband (or any man). Btw I always wore a wedding ring and wear it now but it's actually in memory of my first husband who died.