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Original poster

Custody battle of a newborn

39 replies

Elizabeth77098 · 13/10/2020 21:11

Hi new to all this just looking for some friendly advice :)

My unborn babies father has made me and my other two children homeless I have 12 weeks left as well as moving on quick With another woman my hormones are everywhere as can imagine ha ha . We speak and are amicable at times but he is so indecisive. Even to the point of letting me collect my belongings within two hours he went from allowing me to pack my things to making me pay for a third party van and stopping me coming any where near his property 🙈. But i feel like we are on the same page he seems to do a complete u turn , he has mental health problems and sometimes I believe it’s more bipolar and his actions often effect this with the way he can rapidly change his mind/feelings. So I have now asked for mediation and something a bit more concrete then verbal agreement becaue I just feel as though if he’s this up and down about collecting belongings that when a baby is involved he May choose to change things when the baby is in his care .

As much as I want mediation he wants to go down the court route before the baby is born -which is not long and I don’t even know if a solicitor will take on his case as the baby is not yet born. But I know this could take some time and I want to make sure that what I offer is fair to him and will get him to bound and form an attachment with the baby but also I need time for myself to rebuild my life as I lost so much and have two children who were effected by his actions too and I am a bit broken so having him around every day is also a worry for my well being . But I know eventually we’ll I am
Hoping that we will co parent well and I don’t want the choices I make To effect their bound as well as I have to think of my children too as they don’t want him around too much either as they got hurt and seen a different side to him and I’m hoping to breastfeed .

Has any one been through the same situation and in the end what did the courts advise for custody and what was the first year of the babies life like as in how did you progress to overnight stays and longer visiting times I know babies are about stages not ages but in the eyes of the court this is sometimes not the case. It’s all scary to me and I want both parents to form a good strong relationship where a toddler will wave goodbye to either parent happily but I know the first year isn’t going to be straight forward and I don’t want the anxiety of a baby damaged because I’m worried to much about the father thinking I’m using the baby as a weapon and not being fair when that’s all I want to be but I just know it all takes time and as much as the first year will not what he pictures but the end result will be a happy baby. But he just doesn’t understand this and I just hve seen how damaging rushed , angered choices made have on a child .

I was hoping for him to see the baby for two hours every other day (during my children’s school times) then progress onto being able to express and have two longer visits but where he can take the baby out for 4 hours and one evening where he comes and baths the baby to learn how to do that . Then eventually one over night stay a week. Is this fair ?

OP posts:
Cantreasonwithunreasonable · 13/10/2020 21:19

This sounds hard for you. I think you should focus on the now, making a solid home for you and your existing children and keeping well until the baby is born.
Slow down, concentrate on your existing family unit and your bump.
He can wait until it's born. Do you have friends & family around? How old are your children?

CodenameVillanelle · 13/10/2020 21:21

Why are you spending so much time and energy planning his contact with the baby? Stop engaging with him and focus on your children and you. Let him come to you with a proposal for contact and negotiate it then.

Original poster
Elizabeth77098 · 13/10/2020 21:24

I know , I’m sleeping on a sofa at the moment and he just doesn’t understand when after we spoke and things were good that I just asked until November to have a bit of me time because I’m
Loosing weight etc. So I feel a bit less anxious and then I asked if my coat had been packed and he refused to answer the question and tells me he’s getting a solicitor involved . It’s so hard and I really don’t think he has no remorse or any u see standing of how damaging stress is I o explained all the parenting and that he will see the baby etc and we will work around his time table. But yes you are right , I’m just so worried that the courts are going to have a damaging effect on the child because sometimes it’s not about the psychological effects a rushed bond can have on a child. Age 12 and 11

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizabeth77098 · 13/10/2020 21:27

Yes maybe your right. Just hard, he’s told me he doesn’t want to be at the birth so maybe I do need to just stop . But I’m just scared about my new born being taken for long periods of time and yes over thinking . Does you no favours does it .

OP posts:
Parker231 · 13/10/2020 21:30

Why are you trying to organise his contact with the baby? He can go down the court route if he wants access. I’m sure it wouldn’t be two hours each afternoon as surely he would be at work.

Have you claimed all the benefits you are entitled to and put arrangements in place for the father to pay his share?

2Kidsinatrenchcoat · 13/10/2020 21:31

Are you married? If not then you don’t even have to put him on the birth certificate (just don’t tell him when you’re registering baby and go without him) then he won’t have parental responsibility and he’ll have to go through the process of getting added to the birth certificate before he can demand contact which will give you some time at least.

You have to try mediation before going to court anyway, and I doubt court will make an order for a baby that hasn’t been born yet

PamDenick · 13/10/2020 21:33

Please get some professional help. Woman’s Aid? CAB?
A man who is allowing his older children to become homeless and a pregnant woman to sleep on only a sofa doesn’t really have any negotiating power...

Ohalrightthen · 13/10/2020 21:33

If i were you i would wait til the baby is born, and then if he wants to see the baby he can take you to court.

Chances are he won't bother. You all sound better off without him.

Original poster
Elizabeth77098 · 13/10/2020 21:33

I work full time and haven’t thought about money yet. I’m just trying to seek advice from someone who has had a custody battle with a new born. I don’t want to arrange his contact I just want to be fair and make sure enough time is offered for the child and him to bound but not that it’s too overpowering of my routine and life also.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 13/10/2020 21:35

Wooooah you need to think about money before everything else. Do you get enhanced mat leave?

Original poster
Elizabeth77098 · 13/10/2020 21:36

Yeah I have Barbados involved because I have nothing furniture wise , they been amazing and helpful.

OP posts:
FourPlasticRings · 13/10/2020 21:36

Do not put him on the birth certificate if you're not married.
Do not give the baby his surname.
Do not go to him to arrange contact.
Exclusively breastfeed if at all possible for the first six months as this will mean he can't have solo contact at all during that time.

Original poster
Elizabeth77098 · 13/10/2020 21:36

Barbados - nice to be Barbados 😂

OP posts:
Heyahun · 13/10/2020 21:36

Cut contact with him For now! Seriously why are you engaging with him at all?

Block his number and email! He can go and arrange a solicitor if he wants and take you to court in the future - won’t happen any time soon

Just focus on you and the children

Ohalrightthen · 13/10/2020 21:37

Also, it is not in your child's best interest to develop a bond with a man this unstable. He needs to prove to you that he's got his shit together, for a good long stretch of time, before you let him have the baby at all.

CodenameVillanelle · 13/10/2020 21:38

Your baby doesn't need to be away from you at all if you don't agree to it. If he does go to court it will need to be after you've had mediation and only if that fails (which it sounds like you would try not to let it) - so don't panic. He wouldn't be likely to get contact away from you at first or for a long time.

Original poster
Elizabeth77098 · 13/10/2020 21:38

Yeah I have grants etc coming when I get a property and universal credit . But as him giving me money . I haven’t even gone down that route , as it will become a statement that I am “materialistic” so was going to save that for when either we go to mediation/court. As the stress or hassle isn’t worth the topic being brought up.

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 13/10/2020 21:40

I don’t think you need to worry about a “custody battle” for your unborn baby.
I think it’s highly likely that once you get your belongings back that you will never hear from this man again.
Pay him no heed and good luck!

Original poster
Elizabeth77098 · 13/10/2020 21:40

Yeah all contact cut now . I was trying to be fair and it just wasn’t working in my favour and this is why I have asked for mediation as I’m not being bullied into what he wants .

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 13/10/2020 21:40

Oh my god. You HAVE to stop worrying about what this man thinks of you. File for CMS when the baby is born. STOP TRYING TO MAKE LIFE EASY FOR HIM.

Original poster
Elizabeth77098 · 13/10/2020 21:41

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizabeth77098 · 13/10/2020 21:45

I know your right.

I just have friend who have had toddlers screaming at the doors because they don’t want to go with their dad because they were forced to be away from their mother at a young age for a lengthy time . And I just want my child to be happy and content . I know I shouldn’t have to worry about him at all, and the baby and my children(They are not his) are my priority ! And this is why I overthink the attachment side of it. But then I suppose his actions have left us homeless and he’s moved on with a new woman without an even thought our way .

OP posts:
lilyfire · 13/10/2020 21:45

If it ends up in court then the court won’t worry about being fair to dad only about what’s best for your baby. This usually means small amounts of time away from mum - maybe no time when a small baby. Not every other afternoon moving to staying contact.

ArnieLinson · 13/10/2020 21:46

Cut contact. Tell him nothing. Move. He will make all your lives miserable until he gets bored of parenting. Concentrate on your children.

carly2803 · 13/10/2020 21:47

@FourPlasticRings

Do not put him on the birth certificate if you're not married. Do not give the baby his surname. Do not go to him to arrange contact. Exclusively breastfeed if at all possible for the first six months as this will mean he can't have solo contact at all during that time.
this ^^ with bells on!

stop making it easy for him, speaking from experience just leave him be. Block him on everything, do not contact him
leave him to it
trust me