Custody, breast feeding.... horrible ex!!! Help!!!

[november90]

My ex husband walked out on me at 24 weeks pregnant. He showed no interest In My pregnancy, refused to be there at the birth, never until this day has asked to spend any time with him and despite initially agreeing to contribute, he didn't give me any money towards the pram crib etc etc. He has our eldest 2 nights a week. He doesn't give me the correct CM payment and says if I ask for anymore he'll take me to court and get the kids taken off me.
The youngest is 14 weeks. As stated above, he's never asked to spend time with him. We initially discussed him taking him for a couple of hours between his breast feeds but it never happened. He's know saying he wants him when our eldest is in nursery. I have a few issues and concerns...... He has suggested to have him when Ds1 is in nursery so he never spends any time with them together. He's also suggesting this on one of my days which I don't like. I feel he should spend time with them together so it's better for Ds1. I'm going to suggest he picks him up for 1.5 hours at a time and extend this time when he's weaned and over the next year. I know he'll kick off about this but he BF every 2 hours. He has said before that I'm selfish to BF. I've done a lot of research into the bonding and nutritional Benifits of Bf and I'm just not happy to loose this because 3.5 months later he's decided he wants to be involved.
Not even sure if this makes sense.
Anyone have any words of advice/experience?
He's a compulsive emotional and finical abuser and has made me life absolute hell.

I don't think you should worry, he's clearly a terrible father who doesn't want 50/50 custody he's just trying to blackmail you because he knows you're worried about it. Call his bluff, let him take court action, he wouldn't get anywhere if he did, he's making completely unreasonable demands. Good luck!

What day of the week and time in that day did he pick up the eldest last time? Send him a message stating that as he can't be bothered to get his rota of his employers the children are free on that day of the week and time for the whole of September and you will see him then.

If he replies some rubbish just don't reply. If he sends multiple messages just turn your message notification off until you are ready to answer them if at all.

Also don't answer his phone calls, withheld number calls or let him in your home.

So basically we've got set agreed days at the minute which we agreed until I go back to work next year. He's accepted this new job but apparently still doesn't know whether he is working shifts, set days, a rota... etc which I find incredibly hard to believe. I've asked and asked as it's getting to the time for me to negotiate my hours with my work and I want to know where I stand. He seems to think he can just have the boys when he is off and if my time with them falls when I am working then I loose the time and have to put them in childcare! He's really trying to manipulate it so I don't get to see them I think as he's always been very intimidated by how close I've been to the boys :( I hope that makes sense!

OP unfortunately as the parent the children live with it is your job to make them available only on the days you two have agreed and sort your own childcare out when you work.

He can't just rock up and have them when he likes.

In terms of childcare this means either paid for childcare which you have to pay for on your own, or using trusted relatives/friends, or both. He isn't childcare for you he's their father and if he doesn't want to look after them when you work there is absolutely nothing you can do.

If you get out of the mindset that he is suppose to help with childcare and ignore his game playing then he will have no control over you. You are no longer a couple and he has shown you not to expect help from him plus he wants to do the minimum with your joint children.

Just a final point if you end up using paid for childcare that you sort out and pay for by yourself, if you don't introduce him to the childcare provider the childcare provider can't hand the children over to him. He also cannot object to you using a particular provider as long as they are registered.

Get a solicitor. He is NOT entitled to 50/50 custody of a breastfed infant. He is not even entitled to 50/50 custody of any infant of that age.

He is calling your bluff. Call his.

Heya sorry you need to go to court. I've been there and done this and self represented in court with breast feeding baby to show the judge. No judge in earth will deny the baby it's primary source of food if it's breast and he certainly will not get 50/50 until the child is a lot older (5 years in our case, but I don't think my ex wants them that much now) honestly if I was you. Stop texting him. Keep all communication through email. And go through court and they will set the times and days not him. He will continue to bully and press you but stick to your guns, get them expert facts in place to show it's in the child's best interest to stay with you.

Thank you everyone! I have an free solicitor session on Tuesday so I just need to prepare some questions.
I suppose my point about the childcare was that if I work mon Tuesday and weds and they are in nursery then they go to him weds thurs fri, I actually only spend one day a week with them. Do you see what I mean? Why can he just pick 3 days when he is off? I find it hard to explain, does that make sense? Surely those days should be valences and not just automatically go to him!

I suppose my point about the childcare was that if I work mon Tuesday and weds and they are in nursery then they go to him weds thurs fri, I actually only spend one day a week with them

Why would you agree to this arrangement when you go back to work?

You have already told him the arrangement is going to change when you go back to work and as he's refused to tell you when he works, you need to tell him you have changed the arrangement to every other weekend and one night in the week.

As your eldest child is 3 your argument for doing this is that is when your eldest child goes to school they won't need their routine changed as it is in their best interests to have a routine that is stuck to regardless of what else is happening in the child's life.

In your case I would choose the overnight to be day at the end of the week e.g. Thursday when you are not at work so he doesn't turn up you won't have to worry about finding childcare. Yes, that does mean you won't have your children on Friday every week but at least you will have them every other weekend.

In regards to going to Court unless he is threatening to run off with the kids and actually does, then let him drag you to mediation and Court once you have clearly defined your terms if he doesn't agree with them.

If you don't understand why read the posts for posters on this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/4000468-Advice-needed-Am-I-acting-wrong-or-illegally
(I know your situation is different but the main points is that you can't force him to turn up and take the children, there as he could use a Court Order or mediated agreement to cause you problems.)

When you see the solicitor concentrate on whether they can help you sort out the finances so you can get divorced. As a PP indicated for child arrangements cases you don't actually need a solicitor you can self-represent.

Thank you!
I really have taken what you've all said on board. The days mentioned in my message were just hypothetical but you're right, I don't have to agree to what he suggests! I have sent him a long email with 4 childcare options. He is saying he doesn't want to have the boys on days that followingnon from each other as it would mean he doesn't see them for 4 days. I think that it's best for us to have our days in one go as it gives them a routine instead of being with me one day, him the next! I've told him this is purely their best interest and he has the flexibility to do it so let's hope he agrees 😩 I've also asked him to contact me via email only regarding childcare. I'm now on egg shells waiting for his reply 😬

Don’t agree anything with him. In fact don’t even respond to any more texts or calls from him. Speak to a solicitor and then let it all go through them from now on.

He's just told me he now wants our eldest and our baby 3 nights a week and that this is more important then our youngest breast feeding!!!!!! What do I do! Someone please help me I feel like I am about to fall apart. He asked for 2 nights in jan and June and I agreed to this but I will not be agreeing to anymore!!!!

You don't have to agree to anything. Get legal advice as soon a possible, you may be entitled to Legal Aid.

He won't get the children, my abusive ex got no contact because of his behaviour after a few court hearings.
Men like this are bullies and cowards and will do their very best to manipulate you. The only way to react is court.

How would a court decided what is a reasonable number of nights?!!! Why can he just change like this! I feel like my worlds crashed down.
I'm sorry guys I know you can't tell me what the future holds. I'm just desperate.

The court will work on the basis of what is best for the children. They won’t agree that 3 nights away from mother is best for a 14 week old breastfed baby. So please do not worry about that happening. He will get contact, but it will start small? Like the 1.5 hours you have already offered. And it will build gradually, like you have also offered. You are offering everything a court would deem reasonable. But you don’t need to respond to him or agree anything. Say nothing. Ignore him now until you’ve spoken to a solicitor. And try and not panic. He won’t get what he is demanding.

Thank you. I understand about my baby, but he will soon be 6 months! And what about my 3 year old?! I agreed to his 2 nights and three days I don't agree to a third!!! There's no reason for it! He's not been paying the correct cm, he won't disclose his proper working hours.... I just feel like I can't breath! I can't have my boys spending half the week with someone who is so manipulative and abusive mentally!!! I just can't!

Ok so has the 3 year old already been staying over with his dad? If so and it’s going well the court may decide another night is fine. But that’s not guaranteed.

The child maintenance and contact are two separate things and can’t be connected. He isn’t paying for contact. He’s paying for their needs to be met. If he isn’t paying what he should then you need to go to the CMS and open a case with them.

A solicitor will request he disclose his work schedule. No court will order contact to happen “whenever dad is off work”. He will have to provide his work schedule and contact will be very specifically set out. If his work schedule changes he will either be told to arrange childcare for his contact days when he is working or it will be ordered that he provide you with his new work schedule every time he gets it and the contact days are agreed. Personally I wouldn’t be happy to accept that- it means you are always reliant on him providing his schedule in good time and the children never know which days they are going to see him. Also it means you have to constantly change your own childcare arrangements. I would push for the first option- set contact days and times and he be responsible for arranging childcare if he needs it on those days.

Thanks for taking time to reply. I just feel my whole world is falling apart. I can't be away from these boys 3 nights a week at the hands of this man. I feel completely shattered.

It’s really tough. Take some space from it. Block his number until after you’ve spoken to a solicitor. Distract yourself. Don’t let it consume you. You’re panicking now, which is understandable but it won’t help you, it’ll just leave you as an anxious mess who has no energy for your children. Give them the best of you. Don’t give it over to your ex.

Hi everyone, just me again.
Ex husband is now asking to take baby on 2 separate occasions and demanding I express so he can take him for a long time. I was advised this should be in short bursts and I also have issues expressing milk and can evident that I reached out to breast feeding experts today actually for advice on this.
I can tell he is going to get nasty again. I can't find any articles or Information about these guidelines, can anyone point em in the right direction?
I have contacted the domestic abuse hotline this evening and I'm due to call them back tomorrow. I cannot cope with his threats anymore.

You won’t know until you take the bull by the horns and call his bluff.

Obviously becoming confrontational with a nasty person doesn’t come without risks (and a lot of hurt and stress) but... it is more damaging not knowing what kind of contact and when than having a set time that cannot be moved unless mutually agreed, even if that means a bit more time for him to spend with the kids.

Let’s put it this way, it is better to have a battle to sort the argument than being dealing with constant nastiness and selfishness in a very regular basis.

Personally, working unpredictable shifts and given the age of the children, he has no leg to stand on for 50/50 unless you give up and agree to it or he finds another job.

But you’re ignoring him so it doesn’t matter what he’s asking for. You haven’t spoken to your solicitor yet so nothing is being discussed. Right?

Do not discuss anything op until you get legal advice

I've just spoken to the domestic abuse hotline and they've pointed me in the right direction!
I'm so great full for all of the comments on this thread. It's crazy to think of the person he was last year and now what I am having to do... I almost feel guilty. But I suppose that's because of how he's been treating me!

if he is abusive and intimidating and you are scared for your safety call the police. Eg if he turns up shouting at your house.