Custody, breast feeding.... horrible ex!!! Help!!!

[november90]

My ex husband walked out on me at 24 weeks pregnant. He showed no interest In My pregnancy, refused to be there at the birth, never until this day has asked to spend any time with him and despite initially agreeing to contribute, he didn't give me any money towards the pram crib etc etc. He has our eldest 2 nights a week. He doesn't give me the correct CM payment and says if I ask for anymore he'll take me to court and get the kids taken off me.
The youngest is 14 weeks. As stated above, he's never asked to spend time with him. We initially discussed him taking him for a couple of hours between his breast feeds but it never happened. He's know saying he wants him when our eldest is in nursery. I have a few issues and concerns...... He has suggested to have him when Ds1 is in nursery so he never spends any time with them together. He's also suggesting this on one of my days which I don't like. I feel he should spend time with them together so it's better for Ds1. I'm going to suggest he picks him up for 1.5 hours at a time and extend this time when he's weaned and over the next year. I know he'll kick off about this but he BF every 2 hours. He has said before that I'm selfish to BF. I've done a lot of research into the bonding and nutritional Benifits of Bf and I'm just not happy to loose this because 3.5 months later he's decided he wants to be involved.
Not even sure if this makes sense.
Anyone have any words of advice/experience?
He's a compulsive emotional and finical abuser and has made me life absolute hell.

You need a lawyer and a court order. He's unreasonable and you're not going to get anywhere trying to handle this yourself.

Courts would not force such a young baby to have long contact sessions. 1.5h is appropriate at his age.

Get visitation and child support formalised via court and CMS.

@AbbieFB

Get visitation and child support formalised via court and CMS.

^ This

See I've considered court etc but everyone keep selling me as we were married and he's on The birth certificates he automatically gets 50/50 PR and at the moment I am having more time with them... I don't want to loose that. Also as he's never been abusive to them the courts don't care how he's been to me! :(
I do have a free solicitor session a week on Tuesday for 20 mins...

There isn’t a judge in the country who will award 50/50 custody for an EBF 14 week old so do not let that put you off!!

Plus if your ExH doesn’t want them at the same time I highly doubt he’ll go after both of them 50/50.

I’d honestly get a lawyer and a court order ASAP! I have a 5 month old EBF DS and if DH left me I would do this in a heart beat x

I have followed your story on the other baby thread. I am not an expert but I don’t think they ‘courts’ can or will make you do anything like 50/50 with such a small baby.
As far as I know, you don’t even have to leave him alone when he is solely breastfed and not even taking any solids/ water age. So you can offer Time for dad to come see baby at yours or somewhere neutral if you prefer like the park or family members house, but you stay with them or nearby. I def couldn’t leave my same age baby as he refuses bottle now and although I aim to feed every 2hrs, he’s a baby and often decides he is hungry 30min, 60min or whenever after last feed.

Maybe try to write down all queries and questions you have to ask and get some clarification with solicitor when you see and go from there.

There's not a chance in hell the courts will award 50/50!

In America you would have to have 50/50. They do not take Bf into consideration in many states.

Now if you're in the UK you need to start laughing him off.
Hey CMS sorted today. Just submit the claim.
He will not get overnights with a tiny BF newborn who he's never spent time with. It will not happen.

I really appreciate your replies guys! Thank you! Sorry to probably repeat the same story a lot... I've posted quite abit in here. He's been very cruel and manipulative towards me since we split.. he threatens custody all the time and I do think he'd go through with it as he has a big family with lots of cousins to palm them off when he decides to move on to put it frankly!

I think my hesitation comes from him getting 50/50 with our eldest and then when the youngest turns 6 months. Babies are recommended to be BF up to 2 and their main source of nutrition up to 1 and this is what I did for my eldest. H a little now but by the time we'd get to court I could be digging myself a grave :(
I hope this makes sense.

And in that time you could be claiming CM off of him, pocketing it and hiring a good lawyer. It's doubtful he'd get them 50/50 and any time he does get them he'd have to take both (when breastfeeding is done) which is better for everybody involved.

How hands on was he when you were together?

He wasn't overly hands on... he worked a lot. Our first was BF and he blames that and me for him not having a bond with our eldest which is ridiculous. He blames me for everything incl the fact that he didn't pay his bills or save money and that's why he thinks it's justified that he doesn't pay out remaining joint debts, CM and anything towards our youngest. He has just got a new job with a £4-8000 pay rise. He's under paying me £100 a month. I'm on UC and maternity pay. He says if I ask for more money I'll back him into a corner and he'll have them 50/50 be star he'd rather have them then pay me.
I spent a long time blaming myself for everything until people ok here and women's aid made me realise that I'm not responsible for him and his relationships and what he's doing is emotional and finical blackmail and abuse. But the bottom line is that my sons are everything to me. I would literally do anything for them, I've been there through everything for them both. He knows I would do anything to avoid loosing more time with them which is why he gets away with not paying me. He's threatened me with so much, but if it means they can stay with me and have a stable home I don't care! It's just horrible.

He says if I ask for more money I'll back him into a corner and he'll have them 50/50 be star he'd rather have them then pay me.

Please tell me you have this by text or email?

CMS all the way. Let him take you to court (he won't - my ex was going to go for 50/50 but now doesn't see them for months on end. See also 'moving to Australia and quitting work so he wouldn't have to pay maintenance)

Custody doesn’t exist. He will get a child arrangement order which will detail the time
he gets with the children.
He automatically gets PR which is parental responsibility. This isn’t a 50/50. You both have PR which means you both have a say in the child’s upbringing.
He will get contact which will increase as the children get older

Hi, I'm in a similar position but I am still pregnant with the second, whom he's told me to terminate several times but is now determined to have 50 50 shared care of both children. Its messy and stressful and I don't have much advice other than get a good family solicitor. My husband had left the home less than a month before he was putting significant pressure regarding sale of the family home and insisting on shared care of my son. I'm planning to EBF the second as I did my first, I'm also concerned about my son not bonding with the new baby being away half the week. Get to a lawyer ASAP as he is not automatically entitled to have them. Good luck x

Get a claim in with cms now! It's not money for you (as he most likely thinks) it's for your children. Just because you were married makes no difference to a court outcome ( I know this as fact) my kids were older he kept threatening court as guess what a narcissist he got less contact via a court order than I offered, I got residency and sone other clauses thrown in. I hope as others have said he wrote it in an email or text.
He sounds like a lovely person! The court order says spends time with named parent. Imo that is who they spend time with together not palmed off with others just to get one over on the other parent ( unless a urgent thing comes up then it's unavoidable) sounds like he is trying to financially abuse you into submission, be prepared for more crap! You know him best but save all texts and emails only speak through those. Good luck

Yes I do have it in text! This is his exact words....

"Well you will push me into a corner if you ask for more money, I am the boys father and we have joint custody. Rather than paying you the extra money to look after them I will have them half the time"

He's going to text me today his new working hours so we can arrange childcare and I've been up since 4am having panic attacks. I know I'll be in for it today! He's gone from a job with set days off to now apparently not knowing whether he has set days and what they will be so potentially he might be having the boys different days every week :( I might need your ears today guys 🙈

Don't panic! I've been through this. My ex works shifts so has DS different days of the week and it can work. Just stand your ground

He does have automatic parental responsibility, which means that he is just as responsible as you for their welfare and therefore assumed to be just as competent as you at looking after them.

But this does NOT mean he would automatically get 50/50 in terms of residency/contact time. That's not the same thing and people advising you this have got mixed up.

As others have said custody is not a thing in UK family courts. Primary caregiver is a thing and that is you as the breastfeeding mother of a very small one. You don't get pushed into 50/50 as soon as the baby turns 6 months - that isn't appropriate. In this country the courts are focused on what is best for the child in terms of their security and relationship with both parents (even if they fail IMO in protecting children from abusive parents). He is bluffing you into agreeing with whatever he says because of this fear of 50/50 or even him getting more time.

I think you probably need legal advice about the debts. While sorting that out it may be that you can find out your rights for child maintenance and contact. I think it would be worth doing - even if it costs money it should save money in the long run if it means he ends up taking his share of the debts on, and you should be able to work out a payment plan with the solicitor in order to make it affordable. Are the debts solely in your name/his name? The free 20 minutes is just an initial consultation to see whether they would be able to help you, so don't expect to get actual advice during that appointment.

Thank you so much for all the info. I don't really have many people I. My circle so these replies are so helpful to me and make me feel more confident! Surprise surprise he didn't text me his new shifts today... probably his way of controlling me by keeping me waiting! He normally texts an argument/abuse at me when our eldest sleeps at his which is tomorrow so I expect our argument will happen then :(

Op seriously make him take you to court to get access. I'm betting he won't as it's a long drawn out process when you don't agree on access, plus the fact he's quibbling about CM means he's not likely to want to spend thousands in a solicitor for paperwork and court dates.
Plus PP are correct an ebf baby will not be sent to a hands off father 50% of the time.

So he's just come round and told me he still doesn't know what his working hours are going to be which I just simply cannot believe. I've just had a massive breakdown to myself. I feel so controlled and like I have no life at all. I can't plan anything or prepare myself. I'm just in this constant whirlwind of not knowing what is going on. Urgh. Sorry to be so negative.

My eldest was also a nightmare this morning and told me he wants to leave home. He's 3. I don't know where he's even getting this language from.

@november90 How far in advance does he usually get his shifts?

Then that's his problem. You tell him that he needs to demand his rota from his employers.
That you will not make your plans and he will just have to fit around them.
Non negotiable.
He doesn't like it. He can go to court.