I'm shaking with rage

[Singlemum31]

My girls dad has let them down AGAIN. he's even got his mum to text me to tell me a shitty excuse he's working apparently and his phone is dead........... I've had enough of this man. What's my next steps?? I've always worried about how I look because he will tell everyone I've stopped him seeing his children but enough is enough. Our eldest girl adores him so stopping them from going is last resort. Dunno how else I'm suppose to deal with this. He can't keep getting away with letting his children down. I'm sooo angry.

Do you have an agreed contact schedule set up either between the two of you or arranged via court?

No. Haven't gone to court wouldn't know where to start. He picks and choose when he wants them AND still doesn't show up 90%of the time.

Right ok. You don’t need to worry about court yet.

This is what you do. Sit down and work out what sort of a contact schedule will work best for your DC. For example, every other weekend, Friday at 6pm until Sunday at 6pm plus one midweek overnight. This is just an example, you need to tweak it to fit in with what activities your children have at weekends/during the week etc. Then you need to think about how that fits with your work schedule, and his work schedule. Does he work weekends? If so there’s no point offering him weekend contact. If his work schedule changes the. He will get notice of that work schedule. He should provide you with that schedule when he gets it and arrange contact with you (that means he asks you if it’s suits- he doesn’t just tell you it’s happening). Once you have worked out an idea of a schedule that will work you either email or text him (it has to be in writing) telling him that a fixed contact schedule is in the children’s best interests as they are being upset by the uncertainty of when they will be seeing their father and being let down all the time. Tell him that you propose the following contact schedule, then add the schedule, ask him to consider it and then respond to either confirm that he will be using this schedule or to suggest any adjustments he needs to make to it. Then send the text/email.

Do NOT answer any phone calls from him or his mum. You need all contact to be in writing. This is for when it gets to the solicitor stage as it most likely will, he won’t like being told when he has to come for his children. But you have to offer the schedule and show them that you are not withholding contact but actually trying to facilitate it.

If he kicks off or is abusive don’t respond to anything from him. If he doesn’t respond and agree a contact schedule you don’t make the children available for contact. If he tells you he is coming for them, take them out. Don’t tell them he is supposed to be coming.

If he agrees a contact schedule then doesn’t turn up, take the DC out after 15 minutes. Once you are away from the house send him a text saying “as you have failed to collect your children for contact I have taken them out for the day to make up for the upset caused. They will be available for contact on the next date agreed in our schedule which is eg: 20th of August 6pm.”

Then don’t respond to any calls or texts from him.

Also keep a written record of every date, what happens and text received and sent from both of you etc.

I’m sorry for the giant wall of text!

Great advice there. And sorry Op xx

How about telling his mum "Ok" and then you doing something fun with your kids after telling them pretty neutrally that "Dad isn't having you after all, nanny says he's at work."

All other enquires from the children you just tell them that you don't know and they'd have to ask their dad. They pretty soon realise that being let down is inevitable with him.

A few weeks back I asked my 14yo why she hasn't told her dad that her friend was going to be with her (SD and within the rules of course!) at the same time as he wanted to come and show her his new motorbike. She replied "well I don't need to because he won't come anyway!" He'd already told her he was coming twice and not turned up. It's heartbreaking but just accept that you can't make him see his children if he prioritises other things...but don't cover for him either.

Yep absolutely you offer fixed contact that works for you and should be accessible for him. Only offer that and nothing else.

Tell the DC "this is when Daddy is able to have you" and don't hide the truth that he hasn't turned up.

If he takes it to court the will arrange fixed contact....

I would actually tell his Mum when the contact is and if she chooses she can see the DC then instead and stop him from telling her lies.

Thank you for the advice and taking the time to write all that down. If this was a normal bloke I would do all of that but he is self employed cash in hand 🤔he looks at it like jobs come first when they come in he can't and won't change that so can be any day he gets jobs, so no point making a schedule I've asked so many times before. he's also claiming to be his mums carer which is aload of shit. All scamming the system she even got a flat because 'she's ill and single' which is utter bollocks and he lives there rent free while she's married to his dad in 'his house' which is rent free. So he gets around 500ish in benifits then cash in hand on all his jobs. He's not paid maintenance to me since covid started. He's a nasty bully of a guy who sees no wrong in his actions. There is no sitting down with him to sort it out. Trying to give you an idea of what he his like to see what I have to deal with here. We was working it on him letting me know when he wants the children so he chooses what day for the last month he's been good with sticking with it, but he was spose to have them yesterday but he was working so that came 1st he then said about today so I said fine. Next thing I hear from his mum.......
He's gone out last night and is prob still out now hence his mum texting me. Drink is his life he works to drink.
I hate him.
Sorry this is so rambled and all over the place just trying to get it all out there.
I have a calender that I write everything down on when he wants kids when he don't show up etc everything else is text between us.

He's even more able to be flexible then if his work is self employed. He needs to change his attitude and decide which is more important, work or kids.

The PPs advice is excellent.

Well no more flexibility I'd he is claiming benefits because he doesn't have a job then there is no reason what he can't accommodate fixed contact. Don't bother with discussions or negotiation.

I wouldn't be beyond reporting benefit fraud tbh if that is truly what is going on.

Tell him the contact hours as those above have suggested. Then stuff him if he doesn’t turn up. Don’t let the kids know before hand either so they’re not disappointed. Pretty crap for you though, sorry.

Sadly I know by experience you can't force him to see his DC.

Its heartbreaking when your child is waiting for a no show.

I've always said the mother is responsible 24/7 every time. It's shit.

Keep an exact timetable ; when he arranges to see them, when he cancels , if he gives notice and what reason, etc.

Meanwhile tell girls " Daddy is so busy I don't always know if he will come or not. That's hard because I know you miss him. "

If he drops all contact, which sounds possible,  that's very sad for the girls but not for you. .

I'd  dob the creep  and his mum to the DSS for benefit fraud.

The only advice I can give is do not tell the children they are seeing their Dad until 15 minutes before he turns up when he confirms he's actually nearly there.

If he doesn't turn up on time as pp said go out, even if it's just to the shops and park.

My ex failed to turn up when my kids were small and I had my dd screaming at me "I want my Daddy" for 20 minutes in the car all the way to a car boot sale, fortunately she stopped once we got there but I never told her to when to expect him ever again, it broke my bloody heart.

Another time I was planning to go out whilst he had the kids and he said he was running late but would definitely be there, I was dressed ready to go out and meet my friends and he just never turned up and switched his phone off.

But now the kids are older he now moans that they never want to spend time with him 🤷‍♀️

There is no sitting down with him to sort it out.

That’s ok. That takes us to the next step then.

You tell him that a fixed schedule is in the children's best interests as they are being upset by the uncertainty of when they will be seeing their father and being let down all the time. (it’s really important to include this part as the court need to see that his behaviour is having an impact on the DC) and that he needs to put together a schedule that fits with his work schedule, tell him that once a schedule has been arranged and agreed by you both you will make the children available for contact. Then you don’t respond to any more calls, texts, etc unless it is an offer of a schedule.

He will probably kick off and threaten solicitors, court etc. This is good. This is exactly what you need to happen. A solicitor will order mediation which he will have to attend and be co operative. If he fails to do that a court will not be in his favour for making an order of contact. If he is co operative, that’s great because it means you will be able to agree a contact schedule without going to court.

But. You send that text and then do nothing. he has to arrange his solicitor and start that ball rolling. You don’t need to do that, you have contact with your children and you are offering him contact so you don’t need to get a solicitor or court order. He is the one that needs that if he wants contact so he needs to arrange it.

Don’t respond to any calls or texts from him or his mum. Keep a written record of them all though. The only thing you should respond to is if he sends back a suggested schedule.

Btw never lie to the children or cover for him. If he doesn’t turn up you tell them “I don’t know, you’ll have to ask daddy when you see him.” You will get a lot of “when are we seeing daddy again? Can you cal him?” So you say “I don’t know, daddy hasn’t arranged anything with me. He has to let me know.”

If your DCs have phones he may try to arrange contact directly with them. (My Ex did) check their phones regularly and try and let them know, without making them feel they are telling tales, that if daddy does that they need to let you know.

@Passtherioja

How about telling his mum "Ok" and then you doing something fun with your kids after telling them pretty neutrally that "Dad isn't having you after all, nanny says he's at work."

All other enquires from the children you just tell them that you don't know and they'd have to ask their dad. They pretty soon realise that being let down is inevitable with him.

A few weeks back I asked my 14yo why she hasn't told her dad that her friend was going to be with her (SD and within the rules of course!) at the same time as he wanted to come and show her his new motorbike. She replied "well I don't need to because he won't come anyway!" He'd already told her he was coming twice and not turned up. It's heartbreaking but just accept that you can't make him see his children if he prioritises other things...but don't cover for him either.

This is dreadful advice. So you're saying, let him get away with it without so much as a mouthful and continue letting him let the kids down. Girls, who may well grow up having a shit opinion of men and low self esteem by having been rejected regularly as a child.

Goodness me, MN sometimes....

Sadly there is little you can do here but support your dc. You can make all the schedules you like but can't guarantee he'll stick to them. Court is only for bro's who want more contact. They can't make someone step up and not turning up isn't enough for them to stop contact, not that it sounds like you'd want or wound be in the best interest of the dc. Sadly you need to keep up the pretence that daddy is working etc, and I know how hard that is, as the truth is more hurtful to them. They'll realise when they are older and more able to deal with it.

Sadly you need to keep up the pretence that daddy is working etc,

You absolutely dont OP. Tell them they should ask daddy why he didn’t come. If he wants to lie to them, he can. Don’t you do his lying for him.

@Smallsteps88

Btw never lie to the children or cover for him. If he doesn’t turn up you tell them “I don’t know, you’ll have to ask daddy when you see him.” You will get a lot of “when are we seeing daddy again? Can you cal him?” So you say “I don’t know, daddy hasn’t arranged anything with me. He has to let me know.”

This is excellent advice. Say nothing negative. They will see for themselves whose word can be relied on and who is there for them. It sounds like your oldest already knows and your children will discuss it together. Having two involved, caring parents is ideal, but in real life kids are lucky if they have one. You are that one!

Alwayinpain

This is dreadful advice. So you're saying, let him get away with it without so much as a mouthful and continue letting him let the kids down. Girls, who may well grow up having a shit opinion of men and low self esteem by having been rejected regularly as a child.

Will in be better for their self esteem when they find out that Dad was lying about having to work all the time -- he was drunk a lot? That Mom knew it and backed him in the "Dad is working lie."? And that he was so uninterested in seeing them that Mom had to go to court and FORCE a visitation schedule on him?

Maybe helping them see the reality instead -- Mom is here for you and when you are old enough to choose a life partner don't choose one like your Dad?

Thanks again for all your replies ladies. Ive calmed down abit now. I've decided I'm going tell him to pick days Monday and Wednesday for example if he doesn't like it then take me to court, if he let's them down take me to court. That's all I can come up with or deal with for now. My poor girls deserve better.
I'm feeling awful about it because I know what he's like, I never normally tell them he's coming for sure but today I did so blaming myself abit. I'm gunna find some balls and not let him walk over me.

I really good book is "how to talk so kids will
Listen, and listen so kids will talk" it helps you show them critical thinking and work through their emotions such as disappointment and anger.

It is really important that their feelings about contact are validated. Instead of covering up it's ok to say to them "why do you think he didn't turn up" - it is amazing how astute they are.

It's also ok to say you don't know why he has cancelled and to ask him etc.

Age appropriate truthfulness as well as not covering up for him helps them deal with it but by bit rather than keeping all their confusion and feelings suppressed.

You can say Dad is welcome to have them every Monday and Wednesday and he and granny know that so if he doesn't come you don't know why.

I've decided I'm going tell him to pick days Monday and Wednesday for example if he doesn't like it then take me to court, if he let's them down take me to court. That's all I can come up with or deal with for now.

This is good. You’re finding the confidence. I know it’s a lots scary to rock the boat but as you say...

My poor girls deserve better.

They absolutely do. And they mightn’t recognise it yet but in years to come they will see that you were advocating for them and doing what you could to try and get their dad to step up and be consistent with them.

Ive lived through seeing my children waiting by the window with their coats on and in tears when they have to accept daddy isn’t coming. It’s heart breaking to watch and I know even worse for them to go through. Sadly, when the job of seeing his children was left entirely up to him to arrange (I stopped asking him to give me dates and times and texting when he didn’t turn up) my ex decided it was too much effort and just stopped seeing them. I hate that they don’t have. Dad in their lives but the absence of that anxiety of whether he will turn up or let them down Has made such a difference to them. They’re far happier DC now that isn’t constantly hanging over them.