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How to renegotiate contact arrangements

109 replies

harman · 25/09/2007 18:46

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harman · 28/09/2007 09:45

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Anna8888 · 28/09/2007 09:48

Yes harman, those tactics sound great

Adopt a super reasonable and understanding tone.

Lorayn · 28/09/2007 09:49

Yes, harman, I think that would be perfect. He will either have to reply or do as you have suggested.

Do not let him worm his way out of the arrangements. If he comes back to you with a reasonable compromise, which you are happy to accommodate, make sure you you tell him reasons why you wouldn't want it to go ahead before agreeing. Then say you agreeing for the sake of being 'reasonable'. If he suggests something you are not willing to accommodate, then stand your ground.

harman · 28/09/2007 10:17

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Anna8888 · 28/09/2007 10:19

Harman - no problem but I'm just off to fetch my daughter from school and won't be back for an hour... so will take a look then.

Lorayn · 28/09/2007 10:42

I hope you manage to get it sorted harman.

harman · 28/09/2007 10:43

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harman · 28/09/2007 18:03

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Surfermum · 28/09/2007 18:15

Good idea. He's bound to have seen the emails, but also bound to say "oh I didn't see them". Tactics used by dsd's mum when she didn't want to discuss something with dh. Not that we ever emailed, she just ignored phone messages or wouldn't answer to the phone.

harman · 28/09/2007 18:42

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harman · 28/09/2007 19:20

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Lorayn · 28/09/2007 20:59

Are you still happy for him to have them tomorrow?? was that going to be one of the new days on the arrangement?

If so, go with tomorrow, and see what his proposals are, many men are dumb, and by simply changing something by half an hour here or there you can make it look like he got his own way iyswim.

If you arent happy for them to go tomorrow tell him you have already arranged something else, as you had assumed he knew that it was going to start next week, and ask him to put any proposals to you in an email, so you 'both have it in writing that way there are not likely to be any misunderstandings on either side'.

Anna8888 · 28/09/2007 21:09

I think you should let them go to him tomorrow if he agrees to picking them up at 5 as you originally requested.

After all, that's what you wanted, so it's a victory for you.

Surfermum · 28/09/2007 21:19

Of course he's seen them, he doesn't like the fact that you're in the driving seat and it's a way of him having some sort of control over what's happening.

However, wanting time to think it over and maybe come up with his own suggestions is not unreasonable.

The fact that he's coming at 5 tomorrow as you asked is a good thing, isn't it? He's done what you asked, albeit kicking and screaming a bit!

For the moment, don't panic until you've seen what he's suggesting.

harman · 28/09/2007 21:55

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Lorayn · 28/09/2007 22:00

Dont say anything, act totally fine with it and ask him to email them to you so you both have a copy that way there can be no confusion. He may just be trying to stick his feet in the mud and not agree to what you say, you know what they can be like about pride sometimes. Tell him you'd prefer his suggestions by a certain day as you need to have a look, but until then you'll stick to the plans you have made.

I know this is going to sound horrid, but apologise, say you assumed he had the emails, but you're happy to see his ideas, as long as he is happy to change the arrangements for now to your suggestions, explain it is due to kids schools etc and be uber reasonable.

You can always punch a pillow and scream cunt poohead at the top of your voice once the onversation is over

charliecat · 28/09/2007 22:01


harman · 28/09/2007 22:22

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charliecat · 28/09/2007 22:23

your messages are being bounced back
oi comes back to me...i will sign do too

charliecat · 28/09/2007 22:24

well me signing in didnt help

Surfermum · 28/09/2007 22:28

Yep, totally agree with Lorayn.

Tinkerbel5 · 28/09/2007 22:33

harman make sure then when he picks them up that he acknowledges that he is to bring them back at 5, although he would probably bring them back late on purpose so he still has a little bit of control.

Surfermum · 28/09/2007 22:41

I'm not sure about that at the moment, Tink, given his responses like "I suggest you ask me in future instead of expecting me to do what you want". He hasn't agreed yet to the changes. Although Harman needs to get these changes put in place, she needs to box clever and make him think that they've been negotiated not imposed.

LittleBella · 28/09/2007 22:45

He's the sort of bloke who needs to feel that Harman doesn't want the arrangement he comes up with, in order to feel happy wiht it.

So suggest a couple of alternatives that you don't want and sound enthusiastic about it. And then suggest the one you do want, sounding doubtful and dubious and not sure, but saying, "I suppose if the worst came to the worst."

He'll jump at it if he thinks you don't really want it, I bet.

harman · 28/09/2007 23:09

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