If you're on your own with kids 100% of the time how do you date?!!!

[Liverpoolarefab]

Just that really, widowed and have two children. I've been single for over 5 years - Id really like to meet someone. But I don't have any family support so just wondering how going on dates or spending time with someone else would work ?? Has anyone managed it ? Feeling pretty low abt it , thanks.

Most end up with men they've known for years or meet through work though

If you’re thinking of internet dating then meeting for a quick coffee in the day first off while kids are in school is a good way of weeding out the ones that might be worth dinner and the cost of a babysitter?

Paid for a babysitter. Found on childcare.co.uk, and most charge £5-7ph (NW England). Did some short day time babysitting (2 hours) at first where I just went for a hair cut, but knew I was local and could return, mostly so the children would get to know them in case they woke to a stranger as such. Then did some evening dates after that. Children were 3 and 1 at that time, but I also had my 14 year old at home too.

Then later on I had a Nanny who I paid for extra babysitting. That was my favourite arrangement.

I'm not rich at all (midwife working PT!). But I wanted to have a little social life. In the end my eldest was 15 when I met my current partner of almost 3 years. At that point I could put the 4 and 2 year olds to bed and know that there wouldn't be wakings unless for illness really. So the first date I went on with him was actually the first time I didn't get a sitter - I arranged my date for 8pm so I could be certain they would be asleep - and go to a local (5 min away) restaurant.

I don't have any family support, so I had to bite the bullet if I wanted to either date or meet friends/get hair done etc.

family help.?
nursery staff few extra £

after a few dates if you get on with someone, could you invite them over to your house once the kids are in bed?
obviously only with someone you knew really.

family help.?
nursery staff few extra £

after a few dates if you get on with someone, could you invite them over to your house once the kids are in bed?
obviously only with someone you knew really.

I don’t and won’t until my child is 16, I’ve been a lone parent since he was born and not been near a man in 9 yrs. I feel strongly that he’s my priority.

Goodness there are some rather sanctimonious replies to this thread, probably from married women not facing this issue.

OP I was widowed at 33, with a 4 year old and a 36 week pregnant bump.

After 18 months I decided to date. I used babysitters that my kids knew well, no problems at all. Occasionally overnight at grandparents. I had a relationship with a good man, once I knew him and trusted him he'd come over kids in bed and sneak out again. After 18 months together we introduced our kids (he had 3) but quickly realised the relationship wasn't for keeps. My kids met him a handful of times as a friend, they were used to me having male friends as I have plenty of friends of both genders.

I spent a year single and then started dating again, using babysitters. I met someone else and after 6 months he met the children properly, as my boyfriend. They love him.

Today is the 6th anniversary of losing m husband and my boyfriend has supported us all through the day.

It's a choice OP.. don't listen to the passive aggressive judgy posts.

Wishing you well

Your children can and should be your priority when you're in a relationship. I feel strongly that my children benefit from my partner being part of our lives. My children have more of my time thanks to my other half who enables me to work hours that give me more time with them. I get to put them to bed everynight and be there every morning. I get to attend all their school stuff. My kids get to go to clubs that I couldn't do without his help. Their lives are enriched by his presence, which is how it should be.

There is no correct attitude when it comes to whether or not to start new relationships. But people don't deserve to be shamed for dating by someone suggesting their children aren't their priority if they do date.

I do hope that was not your intention - however that is how it came across.

I wouldn't have compromised on a relationship that didn't massively benefit my children.

It was a careful and well thought out process.

Reading the reply from @Grobagsforever, I hope my comment didn’t come over as “sanctimonious”. I just made a decision not to bring anyone into my life until my son is 16, I do not judge anyone who has children and dates.

Thanks for the clarification @hippofrog

I haven’t so far. 5 years and counting.

Tbh my issue is even meeting anyone to date. I don’t get out to meet anyone. Even worse now due to lockdown.

I’ve sort of resigned myself to it now.

Thanks @ThisMustBeMyDream, the truth is I escaped a horrifically abusive relationship when I was pregnant and I believe the stress cause me to give birth to a 2lb baby at 29 weeks ( I still feel guilty that he came so
early, I remember holding him in my arms the very first time and promising him that no one would ever hurt us again and to be fair it put me off men for good . OP I apologise if my comment sounded insensitive, I wish you all the best x

I’m widowed. I use a babysitter from an agency. I always have used paid sitters from when my eldest was a baby even when my husband as alive. If never occurred to me that I shouldn’t. My parents don’t babysit so it’s the only option.

My eldest is now old enough to be left in charge but if he’s out it’s a babysitter. Been with someone for 6 months now. The children don’t know about him and neither do his children. We have never spent a night together but we go for evenings out, I arrange play dates for the kids some days. We meet for lunch when they’re at school for an hour, either he meets me at the office or we go out when I’m WFH.

We accept the limitations to our relationship and that it has to move very slowly and it’s more of an old fashioned courtship than a modern relationship but it is what it is!

That sounds incredibly traumatic, and very understandable that you would feel that way.

From a midwife POV, have you ever had a birth debrief? It might give you answers to what happened and why. If you have, please ignore me, or if it would not help, again please ignore me. I just wondered if it might go some way to alleviate some of the trauma that you hold from your sons birth.

I don't wish to speak out of turn, but just wanted to offer help as not everyone knows these exist. A hospital holds your birth records for 25 years. So there is no concern over how long ago events were.

All the best.

Thank you, I will look into it xx

I'm a single mum and after seven years have just started dipping my toe back in the water. I leave my daughter with her dad, still feel guilty though !

You either get a babysitter or you don't date, what else could you do ? Personally I choose not to go on dates.

I have only bothered with "dates" that were local enough to me and were likely to be able to meet at times that I could more easily. For example school hours on my non working days, when sleepovers had been arranged etc. I have also utilised family for a couple, but I have tried to find someone that could be realistically seen without initially relying on others, as it can take months before you know if it's going somewhere or not.
This does however mean I have ruled out many purely because they work away or long hours etc who could have been great, but their current lifestyle doesn't gel with what I'm looking for....

Thanks to everyone for replying. I can't tell you how much it helps as I don't know anyone in the same position as me - and I have a lot of conflicting thoughts in my head !!! It's not only childcare issues that worry me it's guilt aswell. I don't know if anyone else feels this but I feel like I have to be twice the parent to my kids because they don't have a dad. I spend a lot of time with my ds playing sport / watching it - doing all the stuff his dad would have done. I feel guilty at even the thought of rushing around , spending less time with them because I have a date ....argh !!! But at the same time I have spent a lot of time trying to find peace with my situation, but however well I mask it when you're with your kids 24/7, sometimes they're going to see that slip and I think they must pick up that I'm abit sad too.

I'm hoping to date too. I've also got the children fully on my own. At 13 and 7, I'm happy to leave them during the day. Do you think they are ok to leave in the evening at that age? No behaviour issues, they are really close and get on well.

I don't mean overnight obviously, but perhaps for an evening meal? I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Sadly that's exactly what my mother believes I should do, so she won't help with babysitting, other than very occasionally. Wdyt?

@atomicnotsoblonde my youngest goes to her dads every so often. My eldest who is 13 is no contact. He is fine on his own during the day. So went out for an evening not so long ago. I was back by ten.

He wasnt so keen and kept in touch. But think now the evenings are lighter he would be more comfortable.

@unicornsarereal72 You're giving me some confidence to try it. I don't think he'd be worried at all. Probably just a few messages about the snacks they could eat! I don't want to be out all night, I'll pay a sitter when I do, but just the chance to eat dinner, with an adult would be so, so lovely. I always eat alone or with the kids.

@DDIJ yes, and I appreciate how no one else gets her view. My friends say 'but doesn't she want you to be happy?' and the answer is well, no.

She's of the view that I made my bed (I left because of dv) so I should deal with the consequences of my choice to go. She will sometimes have the kids for a couple of hours when I'm working, but there is always a problem or issue and she hadn't done got months. I couldn't rely on her. It's such a hassle, I don't even want to ask. I have to build myself up to grovel and I just don't want to. She will not have them to let me go out. Yet it's not an issue for her to do this for my brother's children.

I'm at the point where I'm just indifferent to her. We were never close, but I'm detached now. I want to try and make a new start to my life, for the benefit of the kids and I. I just need to accept she doesn't want to help and find ways around it. I'm going to do it, despite her. I'm so sorry you have similar x

Yes you can use paid babysitters, but I understand what you mean. I think a lot of people go on lots of dates when online dating and using paid babysitters means that you can't be spontaneous or its a pain if plans change.

How old are your dc? Once they reach a certain age, you'll be able to leave them alone for a few hours.