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Original poster

Unsuitable living situation - Advice please

39 replies

lluuccyy · 25/05/2020 10:36

Hi,

I would really appreciate some advice.

I have 3 daughters (8, 13, 15) with my ex who also has a daughter (19) from a previous relationship.

We have 50/50 custody (agreed out of court as I work full time in a demanding job and he works from home). His older daughter lives with him when she is not at uni and is his full responsibility (no contact with her mother).

My ex currently lives in a 3 bed house 10mins away from me and within walking distance of the children’s schools. Next week he is moving to a 2 bed flat 28 miles away which will take a 2 hour commute on the M25 to get the children to school (or a 20min walk, train and 3 buses).

He is insistent that he will continue to have them, that three of them can share a room 10m x 10m and the youngest can share with him.

He says he can’t afford to stay living where he lives (but his new place has a swimming pool, gym and a moat around it!) he tells the girls I’m over-reacting, there is nothing to worry about and they all believe him and are afraid to confront him about it.

I tried to talk to him about it on behalf of the children when I dropped the girls off last weekend and he said he didn’t care what I had to say, called me a terrible mother and threw me out of the house.

I work adjusted hours at the moment so it will be hard for me to juggle school runs on the days I currently have them but I don’t know what other choice I have and how to manage weekends when he can’t have them all to stay at once?

I don’t know what to do. I’d appreciate any advice you have.

Thank you,

Lucy

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 25/05/2020 10:41

When me and exh spilt up court wanted evidence the dc had their own bed and adequate sleeping /living space. Cafcass checked on a home visit.
Back to court for you imo op...

Raella50 · 25/05/2020 10:41

Do you really mean 10m by 10m as that’s a massive room??! Perhaps you mean 10ft?? It sounds as though there is absolutely nothing to be done though. He’s correct that it has nothing to do with you. I would just continue to be there for my daughters and let him play out his side. Your daughters have stability with you, always. Let their father worry about how he will orchestrate contact.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 25/05/2020 10:46

I don’t think it’s an unsuitable living situation tbh. There’s no reason why it’s unsuitable for 3 sisters to share a room. There are bunk beds specifically to fit 3 full sized adults. (Double on bottom, single on top) MN seems to have this obsession with all children having their own room. Assuming they have more space at your house OP then I’m sure they’ll cope with sharing at their dad’s.

Windyatthebeach · 25/05/2020 10:52

An 8 yo dd can't bed share with her df. No court would say that is acceptable. I had to have bunk beds ready for my dc...

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 25/05/2020 10:56

Sorry I missed the bit where he said youngest can share with him. No that’s not ok. He can make the living room his bedroom with a sofa bed and split the 4 girls between two bedrooms when his eldest is home then 3 younger into one room when eldest is away at university.

Laurie01 · 25/05/2020 11:06

Your children are old enough for you to talk to them, explain you want to be honest with them and keep no secrets, that you are unhappy that their Dad is bad mouthing you but he doesn't mean it. Ask them to ask their Dad not to bad mouth you as they don't like it and it upsets them.

Keep telling them you love them.

Elieza · 25/05/2020 11:14

Google his new address out of curiosity now before the info gets taken down and see how much it’s costing to rent/buy. That may help in future matters if it turns out it’s dearer than what he had?

Original poster
lluuccyy · 25/05/2020 21:15

Thank you for all your advice. My 3 daughters (and my step daughter) are all really upset about this and don’t want to live like that. They just can’t make him listen - my eldest asked me to talk to him (which is when he kicked me out). I spoke to the NSPCC who said that I shouldn’t allow them to stay there as it is not a suitable living arrangement and that child services would get involved if my youngest mentioned that she was sharing a bed with her dad at school...

OP posts:
Original poster
lluuccyy · 25/05/2020 21:17

Sorry, yes! I meant 10ft x 10ft!
In fact - in fact it’s 9.9 x 9.8 (however his room which has an en suite is 12ft x 10ft)

OP posts:
FatherB · 26/05/2020 05:03

So I think there's more to this than you are saying, it comes across weird to me that you mentioned distance between housing, the cost of the house and the inability to do school runs during your own time with DC when none of those factors are relevant.

Let's ignore that though. i'm confused why 1. he doesn't just put two single bunk beds in the girls room as that should be fine if not ideal or 2. if they don't fit (which they should if my quick maths was right) switch rooms so the girls have the bigger en-suite room with two single bunkbeds and he has the smaller room. It seems like that should be fine. I've had a look at NSPCC and they recommend kids have their own room but that it's not required and give a list of things to make it easier for kids sharing rooms.

The ONLY part about everything you said that sounds like a completely reasonable thing to complain about and push for clarification and to stop it happening is the youngest staying with him. Everything else sounds like it could have been dealt with in a conversation that didn't involve telling him his children couldn't stay there.

Personally I read it as her sharing a room with him, but then you seemed to think it was sharing a bed with him. You were there so I trust that judgement but that's a big difference. Sharing a bed with dad is not ok, sharing a room with him is not ideal but is ok. Again both could be avoided with two bunk beds though...

I think it comes down to whether they are safe in the end. If they're safe then it's not your concern, they're bound to be unhappy at having to share rooms and a new place. Nobody likes change. However, to a certain extent, thats fine and they'll get over it. You can feel free to talk to them about it but I do think scaring them over it or telling them it's not suitable for them when in fact it may well could be is crossing the line of alienating the other parent.

Obviously that's just based on what i've read and everyone has their own story and there's too much to say in one thread. I can only go on the above though.

Here's the NSPCC page if it helps: www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/sharing-a-bedroom/

Ilikewinter · 26/05/2020 05:30

What about the 2 hour commute to school, thats just not reasonable?
Hopefully the kids will feel strong enough to say how they really feel and i imagine that they will stop wanting to go, especially during school term time

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 26/05/2020 05:48

Your two oldest are definitely of ages where the court would listen to their wishes and feelings.

If he’s the one moving, why are you doing the transporting?

Annaminna · 31/05/2020 22:01

Yoor story is full of holes:
28 miles on M25 isn't 2 hours journey: driving 70 miles per hour it will be 20-25 minutes.
The sleeping arrangements are fine, its not their home, its a place they spend time when you need time off for work or whatever.
You know freakishly a lot about his new place, to the half inch !! The prize the conditions...everything.
Are you crossing all the suitable boundaries between ex-partners and are you one of the over bearing co-parents who needs to be involved with everything for sake of stirring up a fight after a fight?

CoffeeRunner · 31/05/2020 22:06

Well. This new flat is their home. If dad has 50/50 custody. And 28 miles to school is much less than ideal. But maybe, just maybe, this is the best he can do?

Why is he leaving his 3 bed house? Why is he moving so out of area?

CoachBombay · 31/05/2020 22:13

In the 10ft by 10ft room, why doesn't he just but a single bunk and a single bed for the three youngest girls, and invest in a sofa bed for the living room for the few weeks a year the uni child comes to stay with him.

He could even in that space but a single bunk and a trundle bed if everyone wants a single bed when they are sleeping.

thenamesarealltaken · 01/06/2020 00:43

It's unsuitable..the 13 year old and 15 year old can choose in law not to stay. They are allowed to speak out in court. Although they might not want to upset their dad. It outs pressure on them. But the 8 year old daughter cannot share with her dad. He should sleep in the lounge. I did that for 4 years.
Also, that school journey is over the top every day. Why so far?
And it us to do with you. Shared Custody doesn't mean you stop being their parent when the children are with their dad. You're their parent 24/7, whether with them or not, as is he - supposed to be.
Help your kids to sort it out.
You'll adapt to new arrangements. They have to come first. He's about to disrupt their lives quite a lot.

humanvision123 · 01/06/2020 17:46

Interesting....
So @lluuccyy is saying here, that her children should live their lives without dad from now on because their dad does not have flat big enough for mums taste?

I was a single mum with three children and I couldn't afford anything more than a two bedroom flat. We lived there for 5 years. No-one took me to the court and did not remove my children due to unsuitable living conditions.

No-one even contacted the social services due unsuitable living conditions at children's home with mum.
But when a dad would like to have his children to stay overnight, than 2 bed flat is criminally small and time to go to court?

Toomanycats99 · 01/06/2020 17:51

@Annaminna

Have you ever driven on the m25 at rush hour which it would be for a school run.

Depending on your junction & direction of travel you could be lucky to hit an average 30mph!

Original poster
lluuccyy · 01/06/2020 21:26

Thank you for your considered response.

The issue is that he says 3 children (My 19 yr old stepdaughter, 15yo and 13yo) have to have the smaller (10ft x 10ft) room (double bunk bed) and he will share a bed with my 8yo.
I’m concerned with the distance to school as it would take at least 1.5hrs each way if he drives but he has not guaranteed he will drive them in which case it would be around 2hrs (train and 3 buses) for them on their own.

I work full time in a demanding job but am looking at what I can do to be more flexible about my hours if I need to have them more frequently or different combinations of them to accommodate this move.

OP posts:
Original poster
lluuccyy · 01/06/2020 21:32

@Annaminna this is horribly unfair.

I’m sorry but why would I have holes in my story, I’ve come here for advice?

I found out from my 15yo that he was moving. She shared the details of the flat.

We have 50/50 custody so they stay with him half the time. This is, imho not a suitable environment for a child going into their gcse year and another studying for a degree. There is no space for any of them to study in peace.

I am not an overbearing mother, I just want my children to be in an environment that is right for them (and for their father to prioritise that over a place with a swimming pool, gym and a moat).

I’m not making the journey timings up (why would I? I’m looking for reasonable advice not for sympathy or judgement) I google mapped the journey in Current (lockdown) traffic and it was 45mins.

OP posts:
Original poster
lluuccyy · 01/06/2020 21:33

@CoffeeRunner he is moving to the village his girlfriend lives in.

OP posts:
Original poster
lluuccyy · 01/06/2020 21:36

@CoachBombayThis is a possibility but the daughter at uni isn’t going back until January (7 months time) so would be a long time to sleep on a sofa bed. And nowhere for them to store their stuff which would be ok for the odd weekend but I don’t like the idea for 50% of their time.

OP posts:
Original poster
lluuccyy · 01/06/2020 21:37

@thenamesarealltaken that is really helpful advice, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
lluuccyy · 01/06/2020 21:37

🙌🏼

OP posts:
Original poster
lluuccyy · 01/06/2020 21:38

@Toomanycats99 🙌🏼

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