Unsuitable living situation - Advice please

[lluuccyy]

Hi,

I would really appreciate some advice.

I have 3 daughters (8, 13, 15) with my ex who also has a daughter (19) from a previous relationship.

We have 50/50 custody (agreed out of court as I work full time in a demanding job and he works from home). His older daughter lives with him when she is not at uni and is his full responsibility (no contact with her mother).

My ex currently lives in a 3 bed house 10mins away from me and within walking distance of the children’s schools. Next week he is moving to a 2 bed flat 28 miles away which will take a 2 hour commute on the M25 to get the children to school (or a 20min walk, train and 3 buses).

He is insistent that he will continue to have them, that three of them can share a room 10m x 10m and the youngest can share with him.

He says he can’t afford to stay living where he lives (but his new place has a swimming pool, gym and a moat around it!) he tells the girls I’m over-reacting, there is nothing to worry about and they all believe him and are afraid to confront him about it.

I tried to talk to him about it on behalf of the children when I dropped the girls off last weekend and he said he didn’t care what I had to say, called me a terrible mother and threw me out of the house.

I work adjusted hours at the moment so it will be hard for me to juggle school runs on the days I currently have them but I don’t know what other choice I have and how to manage weekends when he can’t have them all to stay at once?

I don’t know what to do. I’d appreciate any advice you have.

Thank you,

Lucy

The commute to school is very long, they would have to get up very early, it would also make socialing outside of school difficult. Plus with the typical traffic on the M25 by the time he gets home he’ll be going back out again to pick them up, so where will he find the time to compete his own work.

Would him having the children Friday evening to Sunday evening/Monday morning be more practical?

I don’t see an issue with the sleeping arrangements though, lots of children share with their siblings or parents.

@humanvision123 He has them 50% of the time, there are 4 children. One has to share a bed with him.
The flat has a swimming pool, gym and moat/ fishing river which he could essentially have substituted for another bedroom If he was prioritising the children.

@SimonJT I think that’s the most practical arrangement re there at weekends.
I’d be more comfortable with him sharing a bed with my 8 yr old if she was ok with it but she isn’t 🙁

Well. Fact is that you want him to have the children. You need him to have them.
That means that you should not complain HOW he is helping. He took a lot on: driving and accommodating lots of girls in his small flat. Appreciate that he helps and does not say to you: not my problem. Most dads we can hear in MN, wouldn't take that task to help the mother.
Learn to see glass half full not glass half empty.

@Annaminna
I take your point but just because many father’s don’t take responsibility for their children doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t, or that we should be grateful for them spending time with their own children.
He is not doing me a favour or ‘helping’ ME here - he signed up for a 50/50 co-parenting arrangement.
But I appreciate that there are a lot of people who would appreciate their children’s’ fathers spending any time with them so I know I should be grateful that mine get to see their dad.

Well I think you have two options:

1. Leave it and see if he moves. Then see if they get to school on time every day. When they don't keep them with you and go back to court.

1. Ask for clarification. If he's smart he won't give it and you're left with one.

I think there is no point doing ANYTHING until he actually moves, until the girls actually go back to school full time, until you see how your hours at work change.

Remember all this could be six months away. There's no point in getting into conflict with this utterly horrible arsehole until it happens.

When you can't prevent something, you don't. Just respond by keeping the girls and go back to court if he fails at this.

@LaurieFairyCake

Thank you. This makes total sense to me and is great advice. Why didn’t I think of this simple, non-confrontational approach?!

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. I’m going to follow your advice.

Thank you 🙏🏼

You're welcome

I spend half my work with divorcing/separated/in conflict couples

Try really hard to take care of yourself, you've got years ahead with this arsebadger

@LaurieFairyCake

😫😂

Thank you, your advice has really helped me x

How often do your DC go to their dads? Can he not sleep on the sofa? And the girls can have his room.

@Sweetlikecoca they are with him 50% of the time. He refused to sleep on the sofa or to give the girls the main bedroom with en suite (and him take the smaller 10ft x 10ft room) when my eldest asked ☹️

Ahhh I see. It’s a difficult one. I think you will have to wait to see if he will move and then seek some sort of family mediation because as the girls get older they will need more space. The 2hr school journey is a problem. Other than moving house is it job related too?

😂😂😂 at 70 mph on the M25!!

*Well. Fact is that you want him to have the children. You need him to have them.
That means that you should not complain HOW he is helping. He took a lot on: driving and accommodating lots of girls in his small flat. Appreciate that he helps and does not say to you: not my problem

Wow @Annaminna*

What a horrible attitude, so if a man chooses to have children then deigns to look after them we should give him a round of applause and kneel in gratitude because he's making an attempt at looking after his own children?? Bizarre.

Op to be honest I'd go with it for now, the teens at least will vote with their feet pretty quickly if it's awful and it may well be that they all realise that it's not working out and make some changes of their own accord. If you try to push it just now you'll be seen as "the bad guy" let him make his own mistakes as long as the girls are keen to go along with it for the moment.