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Original poster

Is this emotional abuse?

31 replies

november90 · 27/03/2020 14:08

My husband walked out in jan when I was 24 weeks pregnant. We have a 3 year old and have been together 8 years.
The split was a complete surprise. He never once told me that he was unhappy or suggested counciling or anything. He just snapped over an argument and left me.
He has been so awful to me since. He's blamed all his finical issues, family issues and his issues with bonding with our first on me. In fact he's taken no responsibility for anything, just said that I am to blaime for every single issue we had in our relationship. When he gets made he's verbally horrible to me. Last night he told me that despite the fact he promised me he would, he's not going to give me any money towards our new baby bits and will not pay off our remaining wedding debts. He said that I am to blame for all of his debts and he's given me enough money. When he gets mad he threatens childcare and court at me all the time, to bully me. He even threatened to take our newborn away from overnight once he's been born and that I should bottle feed him instead of breast and it's selfish that I won't sacrifice that. Last night he said that if I want more maintenance from him (he gives me £100 and has our son 1 over night a week) then we'll go to court so he will have him more and won't need to pay me. Last night when we were talking he was swearing at me calling me a fcking idiot and to shut the fk up. I never swore once. He's so mean to me verbally when he's mad.
I honestly feel like he's starting to emotionally abuse me, but I don't really know what constitutes as emotional abuse. He just makes me feel so small and I feel like he's trying to destroy me finically to punish me. I never had concerns about him watching our son but my concerns are now that he is just a compulsive liar and doesn't respect my wishes as a mum. I don't trust what he does with him, for example he took him to soft play when he had chicken pox!
I don't want to start a war so close to my due date, but I am really struggling with how he's been towards me and continues to be. I'm 33 weeks pregnant and I just don't want to suffer anymore :(

OP posts:
Original poster
november90 · 27/03/2020 14:13

I should add as well that he lived with me and my parents for 3 years and the way he talks about my mum is absolutely horrendous. She is the sweetest person I've ever known and they always had a great relationship. I just feel like everything he says and does is to hurt me and I'm fed up of it. I don't know how to deal with him. I paid for a counciling session so we could deal with it and he came but refused to participate.
I honestly am starting to feel like I don't trust him with the boys because he is so emotionally unstable. One minute he's being civil, the next he is contradicting everything and being vile to me.
This is the worst situation I've ever been in my whole life.

Has anyone been through something like this? What should I do?!

I've spoke to minds matters who are arranging therapy for me to help me cope with trauma and stress.

OP posts:
Original poster
november90 · 27/03/2020 20:17

Anyone? :)

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 27/03/2020 20:22

He is vile, he is emotionally abusing you, of course he is! You need to start divorce proceedings I think and get the financial a nd access stuff on a sound legal footing. I'm not an expert though. Someone more able will be along in a bit.

Windyatthebeach · 27/03/2020 20:24

Things as they are give you good reason to keep dc at home. Tell him to see a solicitor as you will be. File for divorce and let a judge deem him a for df...
He is abusive. No dc needs a df like that.

Original poster
november90 · 27/03/2020 21:48

Thank you both for the replies. It was only really today whilst I was typing a similar message to my friend that I realised how selfish he is being and how he is torturing me for no reason whatsoever. I am not a bad person, I might be a bit of a worrier and sensitive but I'm not this person he's making me out to be. He ended our relationship over text message, we're married and I loved him for god sake!
I would love to start the divorce process but as we have only been married 14 months we have to be separated for 2 years before we can do that.

Has anyone/either of you dealt with woman's aid before?

OP posts:
Piper1985 · 29/03/2020 23:23

Its not fair what he is doing on you , but you need to tell him your sick of the way he speaks to you and tell him so there's no confusion or gyre threatening your seeking legal advice.....but do it. Your better off without him, I know its hard sometimes to tell him back but just do it or he will keep doing it to you. And its clear he's not thinking about your newborn , he's to busy having a pop at you, which is not fair.....your bringing his kids up, he should be grateful.
But seek legal advice before he does!!!! Maybe one good thing out of this is your free from his crap!!!! No one knows your life and no one knows what goes on only you , but think about yourself and tell him grow up.....I wish you luck😀

Betterversionofme · 29/03/2020 23:45

Communicate with him ONLY in writing. Really, all communication should be by text/email. That way you will have evidence in court. Words are just words. Judge won't be impressed seeing that he was using a child to threaten or with any bad behaviour.

Original poster
november90 · 30/03/2020 08:21

Thank you both. Things got a lot worse over the weekend. I text him telling him I'm not putting up with his verbal abuse anymore and emotionally unstability and I wanted him to set a direct debit up for money and I will tel him when the baby is born (he's already told me he doesn't want to be there). I told him other then that I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want a reply but he did... He seems to have really turned on me about finances and it wanting to cut all ties to it. Basically he promise a certain figure for child maintenance (a lot lower then the advised figured but I've agreed to keep peace) and he said he would pay nursery fees. I do claim UC but they have never reimbursed my nursery fees due to complications (first invoice has dated outside of assessment period, 2 pays fell in second assessment period meaning I'm not getting paid a single penny!). He accused me of lying about this and that he doesn't trust me and was refusing to pay the nursery fees on top of all the other things he won't give me. He wanted my invoice and statements. I sent him a screen shot of it showing I was getting £0. He called me a liar and that he doesn't trust me, which is just unbelievable! I've never lied once about those things and never would!
He was going to FaceTime our son yesterday as he's with me for the duration of lockdown due to him and his family house being key workers, but he didn't. I'm so glad for the no contact and don't want to be texting him, but the way it's been left leaves me incredibly anxious. He's a very angry man at the minute who's clearly mentally and finically unstable. I am so worried about him pushing for 50/50 contact for our son. I don't trust him.
I did speak to a solicitor who said it's all on a case by case basis. It's better to agree contact amicably as the courts will likely give him more time. I just hate all of this. I feel like we'll still be at ligger heads when my baby is born and it will spoil that too :( I just don't know what I've done to deserve any of this.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 30/03/2020 08:24

I've had support from womens aid. They were lovely and helped me unpick that feeling that I had somehow deserved the abuse.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 30/03/2020 08:29

You need to go to CMS. Feck this being nice shit, he’s not being nice to you.
Sadly, he doesn’t have to give you any money for baby until he gets a DNA, so that battle will still to come.
You know yourself he won’t get overnight with baby for a long time to come, so that’s just empty threats. Find a good lawyer and start preparing as much as you can to protect yourself & your children. Keep all the texts/ emails.
Good luck!

Original poster
november90 · 30/03/2020 09:48

He told me that if I want more money he will take me to court and get 50/50 and then he won't need to pay me more.
I'd rather have no money from him then loose my boys to this horrible man!

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 30/03/2020 09:52

He won’t get 50/50.

Original poster
november90 · 30/03/2020 13:04

What makes you say that @Honeyroar ? Everything I've read and from what the solicitor said to me that he would be entitled to 50/50 of our eldest and then when the baby is a little older :(
My mums been in tears today about the debt he's left us in. It's so sad because my mum cared so much for him. I wish he could see the devastation he caused. He's a horrible, horrible man

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 30/03/2020 13:10

It’s pretty rare for fathers to get 50/50. Usually it’s one weekday and alternative weekends. I think you need to speak to women’s aid and another solicitor. It’s right that it’s always better/cheaper to arrange childcare between yourselves if possible, but this is clearly a case where he can’t be civil or fair, so solicitors are needed.

Hold your nerve. Stay strong. Don’t let him worry you.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 30/03/2020 13:28

That’s simply not true @Honey

Honeyroar · 30/03/2020 13:33

It was for my husband

Shmithecat2 · 30/03/2020 13:34

@november90 if you're in England or Wales, you can file for divorce if you've been married over a year. Which I would be under the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

Honeyroar · 30/03/2020 13:35

Sorry posted too soon. And I don’t know anyone else who has 50/50 childcare arrangements. But I’m a bit older, so accept things may have changed.

copycopypaste · 30/03/2020 13:42

Stop all contact with him, block his number and set up an email account just for him and only check this once a week.

Tell him (not ask), that his ds will be available for him eow (or whenever you're happy with), if he doesn't turn up, then tough shit on him, he missed his chance

Contact CMS and get this set up via them, that way he can't mess you about and you get what you should from him.

The debts are half his, so speak to your creditors for help on this.

Do you own. Or rent the house?

See a solicitor and get legal advice

Once again, stop engaging with him

Original poster
november90 · 01/04/2020 09:36

So his mum decided to email my dad today discussing mine and my ex'a finical agreement and explaining she's been through his statements and seen how much money he's given me over the least so many months, how he's in finical trouble and can't pay me or my mum the amounts he promised and she's calculated a figure of £250 a month for 2 children and she thinks it's fair.
I feel this is a completely invasion of my privacy. She has no right to contact my family discussing such a private things, this is my business and she should be contacting me! I am absolute devastated! It's one blow every day from them. I don't want any contact from them, I want them to leave me alone! They are making my life hell!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
november90 · 01/04/2020 09:38

I'm nearly 30 years old with 2 children!!!! Why is she going running to my parents?!!!
She has completely crossed a line, trying to make out he's some sort of victim because he hasn't been paying his creditors! I am absolutely furious!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
november90 · 01/04/2020 09:39

Does anyone else agree that this is crossing a line? What do I do about all of this. I'm so stressed and lost. I don't deserve this. All o did was marry someone and have a family with them because I thought they loved and respected me and all I am getting is constant disrespect.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 01/04/2020 09:45

Block them and have your family do the same. Cms and a solicitor...

copycopypaste · 01/04/2020 12:20

Yes it is our if order, but goes to show that he, and his parents are abusive. I hope your family deleted the email and haven't responded?

Go low contact with him, I've said previously about contact and go via cms for child maintenance. Just ignore his abusive mum

SybilWrites · 01/04/2020 12:25

Block them all and stick to email contact only. Get legal advice as a priority. Speak to women's aid too.

Arrange fixed times for him to speak to your ds by face time. Grey rock him - don't speak on the phone, don't engage. This is will keep you sane. if he makes threats record them and go to the police. Ignore his mother - my ex involved his mother too. Any relationship you thought you had with your inlaws has changed - they are on his side.

really it's getting clear legal advice as to your rights that will most empower you. It will give you strength. At the same time enforce your boundaries with him. Protect yourself. you don't need to hear his bile and threats

And yes, most men threaten 50/50 care. Very few actually want it. And not many will get it. But get legal advice on this because it will give you some comfort.

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