Letting boyfriend meet my son

[AnnabelleLB]

Hi

My first post please go easy on me.

Now I just want to say I will do anything for my son, to protect my son and to make sure he doesn't go without. People have questioned my parenting.

My ex my sons father, hasn't seen my son since birth he decided he wasn't ready for a kid. We were 22, I'm 27 now. I've become close to guys and as soon as I tell them about my son they become cold or just disappear.

My current boyfriend, I kept about my son for a while. When I told him he said "I know. I heard you on the phone to his school a month back". He hasn't gone off me or gone cold. He does live in another part of the country and regularly travels with work, I travel with work too and this is how we met.

We've met 8 months ago. He has been such a gentleman. He has asked to meet my son.

I'm worried my son won't take to him or like him, Last time I tried introducing someone my son didn't like him. It put him off. Should I chat with my son first? What should I say?

My boyfriend suggested as we live near to legoland he would pay for us to go to there and treat us to a day out so he can get to know my son.

I said he could stay over at mine, my boyfriend said he would book a hotel as a just in case.

Has anyone else introduced a partner to their child. What else should I think about?

How old is your son? Just for future reference I would be honest about having a child upfront if I was you. If it scares people off then isn’t it better to find out sooner rather than later? And people are allowed to make a choice not to date single parents, doesn’t make them bad.

I'm guessing your son is 5?
Personally I don't think it would be strange if they met and your boyfriend was introduced as a friend of yours. I didn't think twice about introducing female friends to my son. I would be inclined to play down the relationship though and let them get used to one another. You don't yet know how it will pan out and you won't want your son to think of your boyfriend as competition for mummy's time/ love, or as a substitute daddy.

@PumpkinP
I know I should have, I have found that guys do go off you very quickly. Some guys even talk about I need them more than they need me as I must "not be getting any". So I just started holding off. This guy is different. He seems really cool about my son.

@BaronessBomburst
Yes he is 5. I was thinking of introducing him as mummys friend. So you would suggest no talks before he comes, I've said he can stay but he's said he will book a hotel just in case my son doesn't take to him or he gets upset. Which I think is really sweet.

He messaged me saying he will book legoland for us. I've offered him money. He keeps refusing it. I don't want him thinking I'm just some leech.

How many times have you actually been out with this man given the distance? 8 months doesn’t seem very long to me, personally I waited longer but only you can be the judge

If you do think it’s the right time, I think a trip
out as friends is a good start although immediately then having the gut stay over is a bit full on; I think the hotel is a better idea so your son is not overwhelmed - meeting a new person for a whole day and then having them stay is quite full On

I think the hotel is a great idea. An overnight stay after a whole day together might be too much for your son the first couple of meetings.

Personally think eight months is too soon. A year minimum I’d say. He is right about staying over too definitely too soon for that.
But he sounds decent just wait a little longer.

meet him maybe but stay over. no way

I think eight months is quite soon too, especially as it's a long distance relationship.

The summer holidays might be a better time.

Tell him you want your relationship to be about the two of you at the moment. I'd have a chat about your son with him now though. But not the other way round as he's only five.

I personally think it's fine so long as you introduce as a friend and act as friends on the day (no hand holding etc). The hotel is a definite must and I think it's good your boyfriend came up with this idea.

My personal opinion is that unless you have been seeing one another weekly or thereabouts for 6 months, then you don't really know where or if the relationship will go anywhere. And imo that's not fair on your child to potentially meet a string of men that will waltz in and out of his life.

Given you met 8 months ago and have such a distance between you, I personally would hang fire. And though it could be he's lovely etc and trying to show he's not bothered about your having a child, it could sadly also be that he wishes to have access to your child.... And though we can't spend our life thinking that of everyone we do have to be mindful of this.

Don't have him stay over in your room! Do you have platonic female friends to stay over? Do they share your bed? If not of course this will clearly signal to even a five year old that this person is not just mummy's friend, in the same category as Emily and Katie or whoever! Five year olds don't know that much in a clear analytical way, but they have a very strong sense of things not being "right"! Does your son ever come into your room in the night if he has a nightmare or feels ill?

A long distance relationship which is only 8 months old is very early to introduce a boy/ girlfriend except as a simple friend. Go ahead and do the "one of mummy's friends" introduction if you both want to but keep it low key, mainly about Legoland not mainly about Friend - it'll be weird to a five year old if you emphasise your friend instead of the far, far more interesting fact you're going to Legoland. Don't hold hands as you walk around Legoland with your child and absolutely do not have him stay the night in your bedroom while your son sleeps in the next room!

Take it really slowly and think clearly about avoiding sending your little boy mixed messages and you'll be fine.

Who has your son overnight when you travel? Your parents?

It's hard obviously as your son doesn't go to his dad's, and completely unfair that his dad is such a selfish entitled excuse for a human that he just absolved himself of all responsibility for his child, but that's your ex's fault not your five year old's and you need to wait a lot longer before you share a bed with your boyfriend with your five year old in the next room.

It depends on the seriousness of your relationship. If at 8 months it’s pretty solid and your discussing the future the introduce them. I let dh meet dd1 after a six weeks or so bit we had been seeing each other pretty much daily and we’ve been married ten years now and have two more kids.

The whole day trip could be too much. Your little lad might not enjoy it so much because there is a new man there taking his attention away from his mum.

I’d start with a five min drop in, ‘oh this is mummies friend dropping some shopping off’ . He needs to be noticed of the Periphery of this little boys life, so that your little boy sees him as no threat.

With it being long distance I’m not sure how that will work but I think having him stay over in his first meet with your son is a bit too much too quick. Your son has no idea he exists yet, then all of a sudden there is a stance man in mummies room

Having a child should be brought up even before for dates. Always.

Is he asking to marry you? Unless he's very serious about the future I wouldn't introduce them.

Some of these comments are crazy must remember this is mumsnet! only introducing a partner if he wants to marry you? I’ve heard it all now. 6 months is totally fine op and it’s 8 months now so I think it’s ok, most people wait around the 6 months mark. There is nothing wrong with introducing your boyfriend to your child, on mumsnet though people think single mums should never meet another man again let alone introduce him to your child.

I think Lego land is a good idea, as your DS will be more focused on having fun then on your "friend", and will hopefully associate him with a fun time rather then a threat.

I would advise against staying over though as even a 5 year old will notice that being strange and it will very likely with legoland be too overwhelming for him all at once.

I think eight months is far too soon. Are you planning on moving in together? If not, I don't see why they need to meet?

I would wait till the two year mark. Seriously.

I think it's fine to introduce at 8 months, especially where there's no lingering issues of a recent split/wishing mummy and daddy would get back together etc. My DS was only 2-3 when I was dating (split with his Dad when he was a baby) and met who I was in a relationship with in a very casual "mummy's friend" sort of way and it wasn't a big deal to him at all as he was used to meeting my female friends. I found it really useful in deciding if he was the type of man I could see forming a family unit with and how he was with my DS, before I had sunk huge amounts of time/energy into the relationship.

I think a full on trip to legoland as a first meet up is a bit too much/too long/pressured. It'd be a stressful day even without the new man introductions! I'd do a trip to the softplay or the shops and a hot chocolate or something (whatever you might normally do with DS), just very relaxed, not too long. I'd also keep it to a couple of hours even if it seems to be going really well. Then save the legoland trip for another time once your DS knows him a bit better.

Oh this place is ridiculous sometimes honestly. Go to Lego land. Don't snog him in front of your kid. The hotel sounds sensible. But FFS you don't have to stop living your life just because you are a lone parent. The pressure put on women on here to martyr themselves to single motherhood is ridiculous. You've met him alone, got to know him, waited a while. I actually think waiting any longer to introduce them is a bad idea if you DO want a future because your child is a big part of your life you are not sharing, and obviously is he's rubbish with your child then you know it will never work.

If you tell a man you have a child and he goes off you he is not the one for you in the first place. I would be upfront about it. Not something to share on a dating profile, but beyond that? It's a deception.

Hi all

Wow! I didn't expect as many replies as I've got. I'm going to pick the points out of posts. So if I miss anything please let me know.

"How many times have you actually been out with this man given the distance?"
We've been seeing each other once a week if I am either working away or he is working near to me, If I am staying over it goes to 2 days a week.

"If you do think it’s the right time, I think a trip
out as friends is a good start although immediately then having the gut stay over is a bit full on; "
We talked about this today as he was at my office today (On official business) we had lunch, He said he has an onsite day here on Friday, He could delay his departure and we could all go for McDonalds or Pizza hut and it could be like "Hey meet mummys friend" He doesn't want to rush things or overload him.

"I personally think it's fine so long as you introduce as a friend and act as friends on the day"
He will be introduced as Mummy's friend and when we go legoland there will be no handholding or snogging.

Legoland will be about Legoland. Even though I live under an hour away from it. We've never been, So it'll be good.

"Who has your son overnight when you travel? Your parents?"
Yes, They are really helpful and supportive. They've also met my boyfriend and they adore him, I've met his parents (We flew out to see them) and they love me.

"I found it really useful in deciding if he was the type of man I could see forming a family unit with and how he was with my DS, before I had sunk huge amounts of time/energy into the relationship."
What I am thinking to be honest. I want to see these interactions, If they don't hit it off and don't like each other then it goes no further. I'm not looking for a replacement father for my son, That will be way down the line if it gets down that far.

" it could be he's lovely etc and trying to show he's not bothered about your having a child, it could sadly also be that he wishes to have access to your child.... And though we can't spend our life thinking that of everyone we do have to be mindful of this."
Actually upset at this.

I just want to do right by my son and actually have a relationship with a man who I hope will want to spend the rest of his life with me if things go right. I'm not looking for an instant father replacement. I just the most important guy in my life (my son) to get along with the 2nd most important guy.

My boyfriend suggests pizza hut/mcdonalds on friday to just introduce things and get used to the idea. If we did do it, I wouldn't want him feeling obligated to pay for us though :S

Don’t over think it. Take some money and just see what happens

@Summersunandoranges

I'm going to take money. I just don't want him feeling obligated.

" And though it could be he's lovely etc and trying to show he's not bothered about your having a child, it could sadly also be that he wishes to have access to your child.... And though we can't spend our life thinking that of everyone we do have to be mindful of this."

This comment has really upset me, I would never let anything happen to my son, he is the most important person in the whole world. He is my whole world. My boyfriend would never do that or even consider that, he is the nicest guy you'll ever meet. Knowing my boyfriend he wouldn't do anything like that. Nor would I let anyone near my son who would.

Sorry for my outburst last night

I'm going to take money. I just don't want him feeling obligated

Just get your purse out when the bill comes and start to pay for you and your son.

I would introduce him as a friend and have a shorter meeting that a whole day out for the first time they meet.

I would definitely not have your boyfriend stay overnight until this is a serious relationship.