Letting boyfriend meet my son

[AnnabelleLB]

Hi

My first post please go easy on me.

Now I just want to say I will do anything for my son, to protect my son and to make sure he doesn't go without. People have questioned my parenting.

My ex my sons father, hasn't seen my son since birth he decided he wasn't ready for a kid. We were 22, I'm 27 now. I've become close to guys and as soon as I tell them about my son they become cold or just disappear.

My current boyfriend, I kept about my son for a while. When I told him he said "I know. I heard you on the phone to his school a month back". He hasn't gone off me or gone cold. He does live in another part of the country and regularly travels with work, I travel with work too and this is how we met.

We've met 8 months ago. He has been such a gentleman. He has asked to meet my son.

I'm worried my son won't take to him or like him, Last time I tried introducing someone my son didn't like him. It put him off. Should I chat with my son first? What should I say?

My boyfriend suggested as we live near to legoland he would pay for us to go to there and treat us to a day out so he can get to know my son.

I said he could stay over at mine, my boyfriend said he would book a hotel as a just in case.

Has anyone else introduced a partner to their child. What else should I think about?

I’m being all mother here, but tell me more about your BF. How old/older than you? Has he got kids? Why did his last relationship break down? Is he speaking nicely of his exes? Does he rent or owns his own place? What do you guys do when you meet, do you go for dinners, hang out with friends?
I’m not being nosy, but if it was me I’d like to know all of the above before I introduced him to my child.

Just on lunch. Answers as requested

How old/older than you? I'm 27 he is 32. So 5 years

Has he got kids? No

Why did his last relationship break down? She cheated on him after getting drunk.

Is he speaking nicely of his exes? Yeah. He isn't swearing or calling them.

Does he rent or owns his own place? Owns his place and manages his parents UK home. We have talked about the future he has said if he moves down to me he will rent his place out.

What do you guys do when you meet, do you go for dinners, hang out with friends?
Varies. When it's just us we either go out for dinner, he cooks for me at his or we go and see shows. We also go to museums (I love a good museum) or we go to the pub.

When we are with friends. We go to the pub. Out for dinner or go round to one of our friends.

I've met his best friend and other friends. A few have added me on Facebook.

He is open and honest. I've met his parents. One of his grandparents had passed away and I was at the funeral with him so I feel he is serious about me. Introduced me as his partner

Thank god there are still a few sane posters around like PumpkinP, Starlight39 and AnotherMurkyDay !

Honestly some people are completely ridiculous about new boyfriends meeting children, expecting lone parents to put their lives on hold until the kids are grown up and left home (and even then I have seen comments about 'why are you putting your partner ahead of your kids' !

IMHO the way your child and new SO interact is THE most important part of a new relationship when you have children- I would introduce them as soon as you can ! The dynamic between you and him changes completely when children are in the mix and I would want to know sooner rather than later that my lovely attentive kind boyfriend is actually a complete twat who is jealous of anytime I am focussing on my child and not him..

The child doesn't need to know he is a prospective step father. All he needs to know is that he is mummy's friend. 'Introduce' doesn't mean boyfriend comes over for dinner and stays the weekend. It means he comes along to a few activities and if that goes well, then he comes to the house, into the child's space. But NO staying over/ touching in front of children until you are sure he is a good fit for your family .

Hi @Patchworkpatty

Until I started dating again, I hadn't drunk, I didn't go out with my friends. I had my first glass of wine when my son was 3. My mum did say I didn't have to wait until my son had grown up. I don't go out every night. When I work away I have dates/do things with my boyfriend, When he down here, We have tea after work. I've still kind of put my life on hold. Its refreshing to feel like I don't have to.

"
IMHO the way your child and new SO interact is THE most important part of a new relationship when you have children- I would introduce them as soon as you can ! The dynamic between you and him changes completely when children are in the mix and I would want to know sooner rather than later that my lovely attentive kind boyfriend is actually a complete twat who is jealous of anytime I am focussing on my child and not him.."

We are going out for tea on friday after work as a first meet, then on Sunday he is back down as he working sunday night/monday morning. So we are going to go either park or soft play then dinner. We agreed legoland in the summer.

This isn't some fling.

I'm overthinking the situation and I'm worried after this weekend he won't love me as much. I'm sure it won't happen but I am worrying.

That sounds absolutely perfect AnnabelleLB please don't stress I'm sure it will be just fine..

My DH and I met each other's kids 6 weeks after meeting , the moment I saw how he behaved around them I knew it would all be fine. Been married for fifteen years now. If it's right it's right. Setting arbitrary time scales is non -sensical . You are the best judge of how your son will adapt.

Eight months is fine, my son is four, he met my boyfriend when we had been together about six months, my son knew who I was going to see on my lunch break etc and knew I sometimes saw my boyfriend while my son was with my cousin.

We went to a little petting zoo the first time they met properly (we bumped into each other in the park one day a few weeks before), so my son was well entertained and so it was something my boyfriend could leave after an hour or so. After that we went to the park together and had lunch afterwards, I think we did that 3/4 times before he came to the flat. Now five months later he stays over once a week, on the condition that he plays lego in the exact way my son tells him to 😂

If anyone wants to wait a year fair enough, but if the mix of partner and child doesn’t work, that’s a very long time to waste.

I'm very stressy at the moment. I'm so scared the most important guy in my world won't get along with boyfriend :(

Tomorrow is the first meet, I'm actually quite worried now.

Kids pick up on the parent’s vibes. Just chill, take it as it is. You’ll be fine.

Pizza date was amazing, My boyfriend finished early. Met us at Pizza hut, we walked there.

We "accidentally" bumped into each other. We introduced and we went in. and they started talking, My son interacted well. At the end of and we were going for dessert. My son wanted my boyfriend to go with him for the ice cream station which I was thought was really nice.

He drove us back to my house. He gets out to help get my son out, We get in to mine and my washing machine had leaked (The water pipe) and broke a socket. Boyfriend tells me to sort my son out and he will sort the washing machine out. I sort my son out and go downstairs, Boyfriend had mopped up, Fixed the pipe (Just needed attaching) and my plug had broke, because of his work he had some parts and fixed it for me.

He refused money for both dinner and for fixing things. I feel totally rotten. He won't get home until after midnight now and he was up at 4am. Least I can do is stay up until he is home. I said he should text me as soon as he got in.

I’m glad it went well.

Did you take a car seat to pizza hut, or did he already have a car seat suitable for a five year old in his car?

No car seat. I realised we actually broke the law after.

So pleased to read your update. How is it going AnnabelleLB