For those of you who've read my previous posts you'll know that my partner of 13 years,the father of my child,recently told me he wanted to separate.
There is no other woman involved,to keep the sotry short,he said that he'd fallen out of love with me and only loved me like a sister.
We'd had a tough few years,I suffered postnatal depression,then when I was feeling low from that my mother died of cancer.
I was probably as low as one could get,and it all was getting on top of me.
I'm afraid I did push him away and our sexlife went to pot,literally.
he probably felt like all he was doing was getting home from work,and there was I,tearful and exhausted,and went to bed early every evening,leaving him alone.
We stopped comunicating,and I guess we're both to blame for that.
He never said-oi! Pull yourself together!,and I couldn't see (depressed as I was) what my behaviour was doing to our relationship.
I felt like a skivvy,working from home f/t I also did all the housework myself,he never helped,and it was also up to me to look after our daughter(bathtime,bedtime,I did it all).I had no energy left for anything at the end of the day(nevermind sex!).
We hadn't had a night out together as a couple in over 5 years,and just became parents...
He started a new job and as he's a very goodlooking guy he got alot of female attention,and threw himself into the partying scene again(well,he didn't have much to look forward to at home!)
When he said he wanted to sepárate I could see his point,we had let things slide,but he wasn't willing to go to Relate or anything,he'd made his mind up and that was it.
Since our split he's hardly been here,staying out with friends,not speaking to me.Telling me it's none of my business who he fools around with now,etc etc,and maybe it was a good idea for me to go and pick up a man and have sex just to get all the stress out of my system(I could have slapped him for saying that!It's like he'd had a personality transplant,he'd never have spoken like that to me before)
I started to think-What a bastard!,and basically became very cold towards him,when we meet I'd just be civil,just for the sake of our daughter as she shouldn't have to suffer.
Then the other night when he thought I was asleep,he came into the bedroom,stroked my hair,kissed my cheek and said-Goodnight my darling,sweet dreams!
I was so confused I went up for a chat(after sobbing for ages,I thought he was made of ice after what he'd become over the last few weeks,but that old tender side to him was still there!Only it came out when he thought I was asleep!),asking what was going on.
he said he'd always have feelings for me as I'm the mother of his child,but that we must get throught this(the split).
He will move out soon,but I am still struggling with my feelings for him,I sought help for my depression and grief,so I'm alright with that now.
But now it's the biggie of coming to terms with losing the person who I had spent the majority of my adulthood with,the man who'd been my best friend and who'd been there at my side every day.
We do talk now,more than we have for years and we seems to get on really well,but I know there is no going back.
How does one move one when one's still in love with the ex?
I know things weren't perfect,but it's just damn hard to switch ones feelings off,isn't it?