I am sooo confused!

[tetti]

For those of you who've read my previous posts you'll know that my partner of 13 years,the father of my child,recently told me he wanted to separate.
There is no other woman involved,to keep the sotry short,he said that he'd fallen out of love with me and only loved me like a sister.
We'd had a tough few years,I suffered postnatal depression,then when I was feeling low from that my mother died of cancer.
I was probably as low as one could get,and it all was getting on top of me.
I'm afraid I did push him away and our sexlife went to pot,literally.
he probably felt like all he was doing was getting home from work,and there was I,tearful and exhausted,and went to bed early every evening,leaving him alone.
We stopped comunicating,and I guess we're both to blame for that.
He never said-oi! Pull yourself together!,and I couldn't see (depressed as I was) what my behaviour was doing to our relationship.

I felt like a skivvy,working from home f/t I also did all the housework myself,he never helped,and it was also up to me to look after our daughter(bathtime,bedtime,I did it all).I had no energy left for anything at the end of the day(nevermind sex!).
We hadn't had a night out together as a couple in over 5 years,and just became parents...

He started a new job and as he's a very goodlooking guy he got alot of female attention,and threw himself into the partying scene again(well,he didn't have much to look forward to at home!)

When he said he wanted to sepárate I could see his point,we had let things slide,but he wasn't willing to go to Relate or anything,he'd made his mind up and that was it.

Since our split he's hardly been here,staying out with friends,not speaking to me.Telling me it's none of my business who he fools around with now,etc etc,and maybe it was a good idea for me to go and pick up a man and have sex just to get all the stress out of my system(I could have slapped him for saying that!It's like he'd had a personality transplant,he'd never have spoken like that to me before)
I started to think-What a bastard!,and basically became very cold towards him,when we meet I'd just be civil,just for the sake of our daughter as she shouldn't have to suffer.
Then the other night when he thought I was asleep,he came into the bedroom,stroked my hair,kissed my cheek and said-Goodnight my darling,sweet dreams!

I was so confused I went up for a chat(after sobbing for ages,I thought he was made of ice after what he'd become over the last few weeks,but that old tender side to him was still there!Only it came out when he thought I was asleep!),asking what was going on.
he said he'd always have feelings for me as I'm the mother of his child,but that we must get throught this(the split).
He will move out soon,but I am still struggling with my feelings for him,I sought help for my depression and grief,so I'm alright with that now.
But now it's the biggie of coming to terms with losing the person who I had spent the majority of my adulthood with,the man who'd been my best friend and who'd been there at my side every day.

We do talk now,more than we have for years and we seems to get on really well,but I know there is no going back.
How does one move one when one's still in love with the ex?
I know things weren't perfect,but it's just damn hard to switch ones feelings off,isn't it?

oh tetti ((((((((((((((tetti))))))))))))
i haven't seen your other threads so don't know the full story but from this thread, you seem like a lovely woman and you shouldn't have to put up with this. he may well have thought he was helpless and unable to help but that is no excuse for his callous behaviour towards you recently.
what on earth is he on, he seems to be playing with your emotions sweetheart. i'm sorry but he seems a very lazy dad if he doesn't do anything with his dd. i think it might be an idea for you to go to relate, i know you said it wouldn't solve things but maybe it will heklp you in a different way? or even, if you got o counselling through your gp to see if that would help with the idea of the way things are now.

Hello again Tetti

My husband was the same I suppose, he still shared our bed for a new nights giving me cuddles. It is so confusing. We also had sex twice and afterwards he was so nice to me but by then I knew he was just doing so to get his own way, he thought I would be willing to make life easier for him.

I saw the NHS24 doctor at the weekend as I came down with shingles from the stress. The doctor was lovely and listened to the story. He then offered me a gun to shoot my husband and said "you still love him don't you". How can you not after so long together (16 years in total for us).

I would definitely agree with fransmum and go to your GP just so they are aware of things and can offer help. I saw one of my own last week and she has asked me to go back in a couple of weeks to see how I am getting on, just to chat even. She has given me some very mild sleeping pills which are not addictive but I know they are not for everyone.

If you can get someone to look after your dd for a few hours and get yourself out for a while that helps too. My mother-in-law did that for me yesterday and I enjoyed a bit of retail therapy and it did make me feel calmer spending a few hours on my own. I got very stressed out Tuesday when I thought I had lost £20 in Tescos. My mother-in-law was with me and told me not to worry but the slightest silliest thing gets blown out of all proportion at times like this.

Most of all take care of yourself. I realise if I can't look after myself properly I can't look after my dd's. I find I snap at that much more than I used to but I give them lots of cuddles to make up for it and tell them I am sorry. I have told them daddy makes me sad as my oldest is only just 3 and doesn't really understand breakups.

Keep talking. Think I am going to come back as a cat in my next life.

Yes,I did see my gp a while ago and she put me on some mild antidepressants as I felt unable to cope at the time.
Today was a nightmare,my daughter has started to throw some major tantrums and has become uncontrollable.When she calms down she says it's because she finds this so hard(she is only coming up to 5!).
She don't understand why her daddy doesn't love her mummy anymore-He shouldn't love you like a friend,that's bad!Don't worry if he doesn't love you though,because I always will (bless)

I try so hard to be strong for her,and me and the ex are putting on a friendly united front (in front of her),she has never heard us argue,and I would never badmouth him to her.But of course it hurts her so much that her mummy and daddy will no longer be living together,it will only be me and her.She starts school soon so I hope that will be a welcome distraction for her,but in regards to her,our split couldn't have come at a worse time.Thsi should have been a time filled with happiness for her..

same here my partner of nearly ten years just walked out on us yesterday he has moved back in with his mother.

We have three little girls and one on the way i am 16 weeks pregnant, there is sign of another woman but he insists they are just friends as he needed some one to talk to as i have simply took him for granted the past few years and done the same as you tetti doing things like going to bed early and leaving him all alone.

I now really regret all this and wish i was a better girlfriend to him now and talked to him more about my feelings etc. I still really love him but he says he does not love me no more but cares for me as i am the mother of his children and he says he will always be there to support me with the children.

But i just can't get him out of my mind i really do miss him he says he doesnt know i love him but i really really do its just to hard to prove it to him when he doesnt want to be here anymore.

He can go out get drunk and get over this split but i cant with me being pregnant i am just finding it hard to cope emotionally i need him to tell me everything will be ok and that he just needs time to think about us i just want him back so much

do you think there is hope for us he still sees his girls most days i want to get him back

help

(((((((((((((((sarah))))))))))))))

i can only say that i odn't know his mindset so cannot say what he does or does not want to do.

what i do think is that it's a bit rich of men to blame everything on a partner's pnd or feelings around the time of being pg, i have pnd and really struggle some days with talking about my feelings and how i feel in relation to dp (especially when i haven't been taking my tablets for a few days ). my point is, longwinded though it may be, is that there are two people in a partnership not just one woman, so two people should talk out their problems and not just one.

can you mention how you feel to your mw or hv?

hth fm x

thanks fransmom

i will mention this to mw to see what she thinks but really want to talk to dp about this but at the mo he is just not listening at all my friends are not helping either they are telling me i should let him go as i will be better without him but i know how i feel and i dont want to throw it all away.

its just too hard

Sarah 2578,

I se feel for you,to be pregnant and have your partner walk out on you must hurt like hell!
I also wish I had been a better girlfriend to my ex,that I had given him more of my time.
But then,just like fransmom says,there are two people in a relationship.
I do think both our partners should have tried to sit us down for a serious and frank discussion about the state of our relationships before just throwing in the towel.I suggested Relate,but he just wasn't interested.

I will always have feelings for my ex,and I love him to bits(he's still the most attractive man I've ever laid eyes on,and no one knows me better than him),but had he REALLY loved me then he would have fought for us,he wouldn't have given up so easily.

It is still very,very new to you.My ex told me he wanted to separate just a few weeks ago,and since then I've been on an emotional rollercoaster,extreme highs and lows,first I couldn't cry,then I cried my eyes out!
I felt so confused and wondered what on earth had happened as it came out of the blue.

I am now kind of starting to feel just a tiny bit positive again.I am looking for a new flat to rent for me and my daughter(don't want to live in our old home,all the memories of our years together),once that side is sorted ,once I get a new flat and my taxcredits and housing is sorted out( I work but couldn't possibly afford to pay all the rent myself!),then I feel like I can look ahead a bit more.

I never pleaded with him to stay.I just think-Ok,I let him go and do what he has to do,he wasn't willing to work things out,so let him see just how much fun he'll have on his own.I'm sure the novelty will wear off soon enough,but maybe it won't.The best "revenge" though is to move on.I'm still on good terms with him,and soon he'll see that strong,independent side of me that he didn't think that I had.And if he ever regrets his decision? Well,then he'll have to work bloody hard to gain my confidence in him back (who knows,by then I may not want him?)

Don't hesitate to pm me if you need an ear,take care babes.xx

thanks tetti,

I hope i can come out of this too, i am staying in our home as it was mine to start with i got it from the council then we bought it together so he is letting me stay. He says he will help me out financially as being pregnant i only work part time so do not earn lots of money yet.

I do feel a lot better today his mother came to see me and she is being so supportive she is on more my side than his along with the rest of his family, and now feel like i prob will be better off on my own with my little girls and this new baby. He proved only tonight that he may not be reliable as he moaned when i asked him to come and sit for me while i go to work for half an hour this evening even though he passes this way on his way home. For the first time he made me angry and i felt lucky that i have my girls for the first time in days he wont have them to hiself ever!

Like you i want to show him i will get thru this without him and see if he comes running back when he gets sick of his freedom cos all he has ever told me in the past that he wants a family and to settle down, he might have just thrown it all away and like you i might not want him back and he will have a lot to prove if he does.

Sarah

I agree with you both. We have to move on for ourselves and prove we are stronger with out them. It must be a man thing that they can't talk about their feelings. My dh was the same. He cheated eight years ago and we promised to always talk after this but once again he proved he couldn't. The thing is I never threw this first affair in his face once over the years I think this time he decided it was easier to start again with someone who doesn't know his past.

My mother-in-law read recently about 30 to 40 year old men having real problems with mid life crises. I don't know if it is down to this or not.

Anyway, I proved something to myself today. My new bed arrived and I put it together myself in just over an hour - although I did break a nail, sob.

Teeti the first half of your original post could have been mine, my husband of 10 yrs decided he doesn't love me he has been with another too.

almostmidnight

i do think that you are right i think that he is having amid life crisis as he seems to not like anything about his life at all, he hates his job, doesnt like where he lives, doesnt like any of his friends, doesnt even want to be with his kids no more or me yet in the past we have worked at things and got back on track he was going to leave last year too.

Totally agree with the midlife crisis theory.
My ex hated the area we lived in (I love the nice green areas around here and the fact that it is very safe and quiet,he loves the inner city vibe,whereas I could never live right in the middle of it!),he 's very successful in his job,but hates it,got a whole new circle of friends since he started the job 8(or is it 6?) or so months ago(complete with a very good female friend,a colleague who he assures me is only just a good mate,sure!)He very helpfully told me she's been helping him through all this,how very kind of her!(detect a HUGE dose of sarcasm from me in that statement:-)
What's he's going to do next,get a motorbike?
If he's going to do the midlife crisis thing he may as well go the whole hog!

He's just the way you described your ex ,Sarah,down to a T! What is it with (our old) men?, that they feel like they have to reinvent themselves completely,leave everything and everyone behind and sod the consequenses?Mid life crisis it is:-)

tetti

i have done something stupid i have text the other woman to see if there is anything going on that is bad isnt it she hasnt replied yet and dont think she will he is coming to see me tomorrow now not today as he is busy

had a paranoid thing this morning and phoned him to see if he would tell me the truth about her but he still says that they are just good friends and she has been helping him thru it and she does live miles away.

help

My partner had a mid-life crisis and left his first wife. He has talked to me a lot about what went wrong in his first marriage as he and I are both determined that it shouldn't happen to us.

Basically, couples start taking one another for granted and being less considerate towards one another than towards any other people (even strangers). Life and love doesn't work that way - we all need love, care and attention and if our partner doesn't give it to us we look for it elsewhere. Men appreciate clean, tidy homes, good food, a pretty, slim, well-kept wife who listens to her husband... it may sound a cliché but it's what they want. And women want men who protect them and their children.

My partner had a mid-life crisis and left his first wife. He has talked to me a lot about what went wrong in his first marriage as he and I are both determined that it shouldn't happen to us.

Basically, couples start taking one another for granted and being less considerate towards one another than towards any other people (even strangers). Life and love doesn't work that way - we all need love, care and attention and if our partner doesn't give it to us we look for it elsewhere. Men appreciate clean, tidy homes, good food, a pretty, slim, well-kept wife who listens to her husband... it may sound a cliché but it's what they want. And women want men who protect them and their children.

i do give him good food a clean home nice kids etc everything you said there just don't understand how he can just walk away when i am 16 weeks pregnant and leave his three little girls behind who adore him

well,I can tick all those boxes,tidy and clean home,I'm a wicked cook,and being a size 8 woman(so yes,I guess you could call that slim!) who cares alot about her looks and who's never had a problem attracting men,well,I'm sorry,but THAT in isteslf doesn't count for everything now,does it? It seems you haven't been in this position?
I bet if you spoke to his ex,you'd find out that there was alot more to his relationship failing than these factors?
You should listen to your man? Well,that also takes two,many times it's the man who doesn't actually listen?
Sorry,but your post sounded abit like Stepford Wifes to me!
Sarah,don't take any of that nonsense to heart,I certainly didn't sweetie:-)

Anyway,rant over!
I really would recommend two books by Relate that will help you feel soo much better,they both describe just what we are going through now,and helped me to feel so much stronger!
The first one is"Moving on-Breaking up without breaking down",the other one is"Starting Again".They both go through everything,the break up,the aftermath,child access,how to explain everything to the children and how it affects them.
Also,one great book for your children is"It is not your fault KoKo Bear"(I think it's called).It really helped my daughter a great deal.You'll find all these books on Amazon.x

Oh FGS Anna don't you dare come here and blame the wife for the man being an immature selfish idiot and excusing yourself for stealing a man from his family - did YOU hear the wifes story course not you heard ONE side (the mans!!!!) - yes I agree I "neglected" my H - basically because he treated me like shit out drinking seeing his mates while I did everything in the house business and DD - in the end he REPULSED me - but did I go sniffing around some dim little whore who only saw the outside what she wanted and he told her.....HOW dare you blame the wife for a mans infidelity destroying a family and abandoning his children because he felt "hard done by" - how DARE you .....
Girls whose H have left don't you adre blame yourselves - I am 18 months down the line I did the guilt I did the trying to change I did the making an effort ...and what did he do sweet FA he continued to blame me for his failings and act like it was my fault he CHEATED (well I didn't and I was bloody unhappy too and trust me I could have if I wanted to!)...
Anna I have never said this to anyone but I hope one day your perfect marriage runs into trouble and your perfect H decides it is easier to run away or cheat ...oh and I hope he leaves you to pick up the pieces especially if you have kids ....how very insensitive of you

I didn't say anything of the sort. Read what I wrote. I said that, in marriages, people forget about consideration of simple, basic things and I pointed out what those things tend to be for women and men.

Really Anna,your message is bound to wind anyone up who is in this situation.It smacks of the mistress talking,not someone who is a mother and has the actual experience of looking after a family.I'd say this thread is pretty inappropriate for you as you do not seem to have any firsthand experience of the above.I would say this thread is for women who are in the same boat as each other,supporting eachother.Advice on how to be a complete doormat(Thou slat above all please your man and not say boo to a mouse!Oh,and feast on one lettuce leaf a day to keep your man happy! I think many men prefer the voloptous shape anyway,I know most men would pick Beyonce over Kate Moss anyday) is not what any of us needs,I think we're all pretty much above that:-)

OK, stay in ignorance

i really cant believe that you can comment on this thread at all we are all really upset with what has happened to our family's we thought we had a perfect life then someone like you comes in and ruins it for everyone.

Bet you have no kids and did not think about his ex wifes feeling when he started seeing you that really hurts.

I do hope this does not happen to you in the future but hes done it once already hasnt he.

"someone like you comes in"? - It's the husband that took the vows...sure the other women has doubtful morals but make sure you place the anger in the real direction it should go in.

It really annoys me that these cheating men seem to dodge some of the blame cos the evil other women gets it all.

Oh trust me my cheating H got plenty of blame and it is him I blame the most - but come on the OW has to take some blame as well - what kind of idiot believes a man when he says - hs wife doesn't love him, they don't sleep together, she neglects hime etc etc but he is out every night clearly lying and cheating - do they not think about the W at all??? Or the kids at least..or anything???? I have been in the situation in fat slept with a married man once before I found out he was married nhe tried all the usual lines on me (and I like him a lot) but I kicked him into touch PDQ ...also had a relationship with a man (who I really fell for) and later discovered he has a girlfriend him too I chucked PDQ ....the OW has a choice if the man is being honest then she can wait till he xtricate shimself from his family FIRST!!!!
Anyway hiack over not going to get into this debate again....

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