hi, have just texted ex dh, to say that once again dd doesnt want to see him, I am so scared of the reply i'm prob gonna get

[pirategirl]

I know he's going to get angry. I know i want to remian calm.

Over the past 2 yrs I have tried my best to make it all smooth between them, but when he let her donw last time, on purpose cos he was in a sulk, it really affected her, and seemed to change her perception of him.

She was sad, angry, disappointed. He wanted to see her last weekend but she just wasn't interested, and got realy upset. He rand sunday and said he's taking her camping this weekend, she said yes initially, but later in the evening she said she didn't want to go.

I refrained from digging deeper, thought I'd let the week go by, before saying to him about her concerns.

Yet it's 2morro he wants to come, so Ihad to ask her again.

I have maintained contact with him, have been on his side, pushed dd into going. Bribed etc..., but becuase he does nothign to help the situation, I am fighting for him iyswim.

When he told me he no longer wishes to speak to me anymore, something died, ijust cant be arsed anymore.

I know in a way I am giving into her wishes, and she is only 5 but she is really upfront and not stupid.

We have discussed that she is nervous, and scared of the repurcussions, or rather what is goignto be said to her for refusing to go last time.

I know that his gf is not tactful, and has upset her int he past, making her out to be wrong for not liking daddy.

ex dh, sides with his g friend every time, has not spent one hour alone with dd in 2 yrs.

I SHOUL be fighting dd's corner in trying to suggest why she doesnt feel comfortable, and things, but I am way past that, i am like a broken feckin record, and he takes no notice. He walked out of our lives, i have been so fair its not true, and he expects me to be fair, fair to him. Yet i have no inclination anymore, no energy to have pointless conversations with him. I too would prefer not to talk to him anymore, other than perfuntory arrangements.

I don't want to let dd down, idont want to push her, yet i also know she should spend time with him. this is really long folks, i'm sorry, i am just fed fed up.

You have to put what is best for your DD first, last and always. You know her best, and while some 5 years old wouldn't be able to make this decision, it sounds like you feel yours can. If she doesn't want to go, don't make her.

Your ex's gf needs to butt out if she can't treat your child with some courtesy and compassion. I would be tempted to demand she stay away if she can't stop staying mean and childish things to her.

He needs to put your DD first and if he can't he doesn't deserve to have her.

I'm always utterly resistant to recommending people get solicitors involved as it is simply harmful to a child if they know that their parents had to communicate in this way.

However in this situation your dd is obviously having a miserable time of it and it's a case of understanding that she's being harmed more by that, than she would be by you getting this formalised.

If this was me I'd do as Custardo suggests and get yourself backed up. Keep copies of any letter you send him.

Also I highly recommend considering a Contact Centre. There may be one near you. They can provide a 'safe' environment for children like your dd to build trust again. Also it's usually in say, two hour slots, and because it's a contact centre the parent basically has no option but to focus on the child and play with them - there are no tv's, no distractions. And if you get solicitors involved, you can lobby that this is for your DD and her dad ONLY; it can't include the GF until your dd has re-built some faith and actually wants to see him.

It also means you don't have to meet, or communicate. You drop her off and staff take her in.

It can take the heat off the situation for a while. And it may also make it easier for your dd. You have been SO supportive of contact, however she is five and I don't doubt that she feels some tension and anxiety in the air about this, no matter how careful you are. Simplify matters for her so that she can hopefully relax about it.

It's worth a try.

yes just to stick up for myself here. caroline, dd was looking forwardto going camping abuot a month ago. We got home for the pick up, and her dad rang to say he wasn't coming, but that he was still going camping, but wanted me to have takenher to him, and becuase i didn't therefore he was not coming.

this is the sort of person i am dealing with.

He put the phone down and i rang back ad said 'so your not coming becuase I would not bring her to you ( 25 miles) and he said, 'no thats not the reason' I said, you just said that that was the reason, to which he put the phone down on me again.

I rang him back again, and I got his answer machine, i left a message satying how would this enforce any type of bond?

I later found out that he had just wanted to go away with his girlfriend, because it was his last weekend before he had to go and leave his girlfriend for , yes a whole week, as he to go away to work.

I don't think i am being unreasonable, in thinking 'why shouldn't' my dd feel upset and angry.

When he returned form this week away when he worked, he lied to his parents too and said he had seen her. mad mad mad man.

thanks baffy, and everyone who is seeing that i have tried and tried.

Lets not forget this is the man who told me I was a cunt, becuase once, i would not let his girlfriend come into my house for a wee.

hi, ive not really had time to read through all the comments but im in a similar position. to me no dad is better than a crap one. my daughter is well brought up and polite (dont get me wrong she has her moments) ive done it all on my own as her dad didnt want to know from the moment i told him i was pregnant untill a few months ago (she is nearly 4) i gave it a shot and he proved himself to be a total wanker as usual (cancelling at last minute etc.). ive now told him i am not putting up with it anymore and not heard from him since june. he's obviously devestated- been going out drinking with mates every weekend like a teenager, (he is 37). one day he will grow up and realise what he has done and realise what he has missed.

only you know what is best for your child.

i wouldn't have let her in either ha ha

still to hear from him, makes me nervous, hope he got the text.

he might just turn up. he is an arse.

PG - I am a bit sensitive about this subject as someone close to me is currently battling an eating disorder - she is in her late teens. It all stems from conflict (played out via contact) from her divorced parents and her feelings of powerlessness. They got to the point where they did not speak and went backwards and forewards from solicitors and court to get contact organised (the slightest breach and they would be back to court!). They were engaged in battle for years and the girl felt totally conflicted. However, these two adults talk plenty now - sadly about their daughter's dangerous eating disorder and her treatment.

why do peopel thik a text is a suitable way of communication

he won;t speak to her so guess text is one of the few methods of communcation left.

HE WONT SPEAK TO HER YET HE WANT TO SEE HER DD
wel elt him ring then

yes , its very sensitive for me too. I went thru what my dd is going thru t some extent. my mum met a man who when was 12 and he wanted nthign t d with us, my dad was very weak, and was obviously shattered by the whole thing. Then he met someone who had never got involved in our life.

She is very cold, and made me feel very unwanted, she s the same with dd too. My ex dh used to hate the way my parents treated me, and could just not understand it, whereas his parents were good ones iyswim.

Cod, the texting is the last chance of communicationg. If I ring he won't answer, and has actually said he no longer wishes to speak to me, just wants to pick up dd at his alloted times . but then doesnt come !!!

I am not chasing him up, I just know that he is sulking again, and that my text has been ignored.

He is playing the thow my toys out the pram game. I just need to know so that I can tell dd when she asks, 'is dad coming'. its just ridiculous.

I have the feeling he will prob ignore the fact dd doesnt want to go and just trun up anyway, which will be ropey, buit maybe it will be good if dd actually see's him, even if she is worried.

Or I will hear nowt!!

PG, i sympathise with you and have no rea advice except the court will not take in to account the wishes of children under 7 (i think thats right, but i def. know they dont listen to 5yo)

my cousins child is being brought up by my auntie and has on many occasions (from age 4-present, she is nearly 6 now) expressed wishes not to see her birth mother, but th courts will not take this into account as she is 'too young'

PG _ A contact centre is fine when it is necessary. He does not need to have his contact observed he just needs to turn up, preferably on time. Presumably your ex knows all about your miserable time with your cold stepmother (sorry to hear that by the way)? Perhaps you could tell him you really feel sensitive about your daughter being loved (very well loved) by anyone he might introduce her to (meaning the girlfriend). Tell him it might seem irrational to him but after what you went through as a child you would hate to allow the same thing to happen to your daughter. You need to tell him this in a calm way. Surely worth a try?

Have read through this whole thread. Firstly - what an utter shite your ex sounds. . How unsettling for your DD.

I liked custardo's posts - she is right and it's not surprising your DD is saying "I don't want to go".

Can you leave him a letter and go away with DD so that you are not there if he arrives - perhaps leave him a letter explaining why and let him know that you are going to take legal advice re contact as his actions are upsetting your DD and you are no longer prepared to put up with it. You've done all the gentle and nice stuff I think it's time to stick two fingers up at him and say "I am no longer prepared to put my daughter through this and am taking legal advice"
Then go and do just that - if he cannot be bothered it'll probably mean the end of things. If he wants to see his DD then the onus will be on him to show some positive improvement in his behaviour to her.

What an arsehole he sounds.

htanks again ladies, caroline, it is a good idea, to say those tings to him, yet i have siad them over and over, and to no effect.

Cant believe like so many on here say, that this is the person i married, and went thru 3 yrs trying to concieve dd!

Pagan, and whats funnier, altho not remotely laughable iyswim, is that his gf is a very earthy, hippy type, well a little like me, but she HAS 2 kids herself, with one of the dads also not in her children's lives.
My ex turned to Buddhism, about 4 yrs ago, and tbh, since trying to educate himself he has become more and more selfish.

His view is if he doesnt love me anymore why should he respect me!!!!!

see, he's lost it.xx

ridiculous update!

He rang dd when i was at the playground after school. Luckily she spoke to him, he asked her if she wanted to go, she handed the phone back to me.

He said, how are we going to resolve this. I said maybe you shuold spend sometime just you two together.

He said 'oh don't start that again, this is how it is, its me AND gf' I said but Leona has problems with that, (riased voice) to which he said just stop shouting and speaking over me (ie don't dare disagree with me) I said well its a way of resolving this, slowly, to which he said no chance. So i told him to piss off and i put the fone down.

I was going to say, look spend soemtime alone, and then I have toldher she HAS to come to yours next weekend, but i got angry to quick.

But i was insensed that 'that is how it is'. grrr.

I later got a text saying how dare i shout at, him in fron of dd, ( ihad walked about 20 metres awy by now) and maybe the reason she doesnt want to seehim is becuase of this, and me.

of course , its my fault again.

I didnt reply to him.

he sounds like a peice of work love, i wouldnt get worked up about it as dd doesnt want to see him and he clearly isnt all that keen on seeingher id leave it! hope you feel a bit better soon.

hi, am dwonign wine like its gone out of fashion, i am just empty, had enough.

Just know you are not alone PG, how are you feeling now? - hopefully a glass or 2 has taken the edge off your annoyance with him so you can think about things again.
I agree with some of the previous posts - using a contact centre could be a good idea. No need for you two to be in touch, no GF allowed, dd feels in a safe environment until she is ready to see him alone...
If he is not even willing to try this for his dd tbh I say feck him.
When he has grown up enough to deserve time with dd he can have it - until then you are looking after her feelings by keeping her out the conflict.

i feel like crap today, just really tired, and STILL have a bloody headache which when i feel worse gets migraine like in the sides of my head and jaw, its been days now.

I just need to get out today.

pirate stop letting this bollock head shit box dictate everything to you.Your dd is 5 years old and if she doesn't want to spend time with his gf then she shouldn't have to.....and he is a poor excuse of a man for letting his dick rule his head instead of the love he has for dd.Stay strong and do what is best for her, not him. x

pirategirl, my dh decided at 5 he never wanted to see his dad again. His mum said he must tell his dad and so he did, to which his dad came storming in and blamed dh mother for it. DH has always said it was his own decision - if anything his mum wanted contact to remain and encouraged it.
He has never seen his dad again, his dad has never sent cards or anything.

Has dh regretted his decision? Never. DH is now a super loving dad who knows he made the right decision. Kids know more than us when they are wanted or not.

So hope it works out for you and your dd. She's a lucky girl having a lovely mum like you xx

thanks fawke and doody, Fawke, you took the words right out of my mouth. Under this face of compliancy, only for my daughters relationship with her dad, is an angry woman.
me.
He is bullying me, i am now not allowed to raise my voice on the phone.

Doody, its refresing to ehar that your dh made the right decision. My dd isn't quite 'there' yet, she is too scared to say anything to him, she never gets the chance anyway, as she is intimidated by the whole 'only seeing him with gf' thing i guess.

I pissed myself last night, she said to me, 'I think daddy shuold be more independent' WTF!!!!!

I said where did you get that word from, and she repleid, 'school, that and responsibility' lol.

Then she said ( a quote from lilo and stitch) 'daddy is a hopeless loser'

ahem