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Lone parents

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Original poster

hi, have just texted ex dh, to say that once again dd doesnt want to see him, I am so scared of the reply i'm prob gonna get

54 replies

pirategirl · 06/09/2007 10:34

I know he's going to get angry. I know i want to remian calm.

Over the past 2 yrs I have tried my best to make it all smooth between them, but when he let her donw last time, on purpose cos he was in a sulk, it really affected her, and seemed to change her perception of him.

She was sad, angry, disappointed. He wanted to see her last weekend but she just wasn't interested, and got realy upset. He rand sunday and said he's taking her camping this weekend, she said yes initially, but later in the evening she said she didn't want to go.

I refrained from digging deeper, thought I'd let the week go by, before saying to him about her concerns.

Yet it's 2morro he wants to come, so Ihad to ask her again.

I have maintained contact with him, have been on his side, pushed dd into going. Bribed etc..., but becuase he does nothign to help the situation, I am fighting for him iyswim.

When he told me he no longer wishes to speak to me anymore, something died, ijust cant be arsed anymore.

I know in a way I am giving into her wishes, and she is only 5 but she is really upfront and not stupid.

We have discussed that she is nervous, and scared of the repurcussions, or rather what is goignto be said to her for refusing to go last time.

I know that his gf is not tactful, and has upset her int he past, making her out to be wrong for not liking daddy.

ex dh, sides with his g friend every time, has not spent one hour alone with dd in 2 yrs.

I SHOUL be fighting dd's corner in trying to suggest why she doesnt feel comfortable, and things, but I am way past that, i am like a broken feckin record, and he takes no notice. He walked out of our lives, i have been so fair its not true, and he expects me to be fair, fair to him. Yet i have no inclination anymore, no energy to have pointless conversations with him. I too would prefer not to talk to him anymore, other than perfuntory arrangements.

I don't want to let dd down, idont want to push her, yet i also know she should spend time with him. this is really long folks, i'm sorry, i am just fed fed up.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirategirl · 06/09/2007 11:20

need a hug girls

OP posts:
NAB3 · 06/09/2007 11:21

(HUG) haven't time to read and reply properly as due to leave to collect DD from school. Come back later to try and help. (HUGS)

Original poster
pirategirl · 06/09/2007 11:26

thanks, i am just waiting for the fallout.

OP posts:
mumtomonkeys · 06/09/2007 11:27

ill send you hugs
{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}

Jackstini · 06/09/2007 11:35

Here is another hug PG ((((())))) let us know when you get a response.
Sounds like you have been more than fair.
Can you stand to be in the same room as him? maybe a couple of visits with just XH at yours to see how he and dd get on?

nutcracker · 06/09/2007 11:35

Is it at all possible to ignore him completely ? If he rings, say you've nothing to say and hang up.

I don't think you are wrong in letting your dd decide, as long as she knows that if she ever changes her mind thats fine, and she just needs to let you know.

PinkChick · 06/09/2007 11:39

definatly stick with your dd, she needs you to support her not him..tell her its fine if she doesnt want to go, daddy will understand(even if he wont she needent know that) and let her take it step by step, shes just starting school /again and doesnt need grown up worries..she needs rose tinted glasses on at this age and his G>F sounds like a bitch, i steer clear both of you and meet/speak to him privatly to let him know the situation.good luck

fairyjay · 06/09/2007 11:39

Could you suggest that he needs to be spending time re-building his relationship with dd, but spending time with her alone?

You have to be open with him about her fears, she is is relying on you!

Sorry about the rotten position you're in.

Original poster
pirategirl · 06/09/2007 11:42

hugs much appreciated!

I can't be sure of his reaction, but guess i do have to stick to my guns now, he's been pushing it and pushing it for so long now, i dont think he has any inkling anymore how bad he makes dd feel.

I am scared tho, how stupid is that. I don't know what he will try and do, last time I expressed concerns i got a solicitors letter, which frightened me.

Just words tho,i guess.

OP posts:
controlfreakybackfromherhols · 06/09/2007 11:46

why dont you calmly put some / all of this in writing to him..... you dont then have to say it all directly, he can take time to digest rather than giving knee jerk reaction and there is then a record of your concerns... (keep a copy). you might try to include your proposals of what you think would be best for dd re seeing her dad..... and ask for his written response / own suggestions..... it is almost certainly in dd's interests to maintain a relationship with her dad but this obviously needs to be in a way which is ok for her....
if he behaves like a complete arse you should seek legal advice from specialist family solicitor....
good luck!

HappyDaddy · 06/09/2007 11:49

So he takes his hurt at dd not wanting to see him, as you stopping the contact? Next time you get a solicitors letter, reply to the solicitor and explain that dd doesn't want to see him and you are just looking after her.

Original poster
pirategirl · 06/09/2007 11:53

yes fairy, i have done the whole trying to suggest hi spending time alone with her. he isn't interested, just says nothing.

I have begged him, to thik about how his actions are affected thier bond, and have been met with 'do not tell me how to parent my daughter'.

When i siad that his gf shuold not have said dd was unkind to have said that she doesnt like daddy, and that now dd was scared off his gf, and didnt trust her, his repsonse was , 'thats dd's fault, not my girlfriends'

I am dealing with someone who has no forthought, no insight, no tact.

My mum even spoke to him recently on the phone, when he called here. I have even contacted him parents, to try and help dd, but nothing.

Smetimes i get the feeling like he just doesnt want dd in his life really, but is only doing it for his own parents sake, so that when they visit form overseas they can get together.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirategirl · 06/09/2007 11:56

I have writtne to him twice, gently expalining how dd is, and what things could be improved, and how wouldn't it be great for them both if she was excited to see him.

He ignored both letters, and even told me his gf IS more important than dd.

makes me mad cos his gf has 2 children, who live with them, she should have more empathy.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirategirl · 06/09/2007 11:59

happydaddy, yes that is true, people say he acts liek this out of guilt.

I have never understood this, is it not normal when one feels guily to try and make ammends.

He left us very suddenly, wil even admit he was in a screwed up way. I dont believe his new life has changed his, then, angry and frustrated subconcious mind.

I am just the whipping boy as much now as I was when he was here.

EVERYTHING is my fault.

OP posts:
Tortington · 06/09/2007 11:59

unless you take a formal legal rout - this type of thing will remain

even taking that rout - it can remain - but i think at least if you take a legal formal route you are showing him you are no longer playing nice.

playing amature phychology here - her dad left her.

he has a new family

he can't be arsed turning up to see her

how much heartache is a kid actually supposed to take?

before the kid says " actually i dont want to be hurt anymore"

Original poster
pirategirl · 06/09/2007 12:03

yes , am wondering, if pushed by him being abusive or just gettingon to his solicitor again, what the formal route might take.

I am guessing tha he would have to go to court to get a legal document saying ok, these r your dates? But the thign is he will have to stick to them, wont he. And if he doesnt, like you say the isssues will be the same.

stupid arse.!!!

OP posts:
Caroline1852 · 06/09/2007 12:05

Five years old is not old enough for your daughter to decide that she does not want to see her father, IMO. I know it is tough, but it really is in your daughter's best interests for her to see her father. Five year olds say all sorts of things "I don't like Mummy" and "I want to go and live with Granny" - it would be ludicrous to act on their every word.
You should not be "asking her" if she wants to go with her daddy. I don't think that is helpful at all. Sorry if I appear unsupportive but unless you have concerns for her safety then you should be enabling contact.

HappyDaddy · 06/09/2007 12:06

I would write to his solicitor, his solicitor will then advise him as to what is best for his dd. If he still ignores then you have written evidence when he gets courts involved.

DD clearly is not in his plans and it's probably better for her if he stays away.

Tortington · 06/09/2007 12:08

i guess what i am saying is that - ok the issues might be the same - and yes the system is inneffective - but he is being aggressive via his solicitor

so far the only formal documentation in this whole process is his solicitors correspondance.

you do not officially have a counter argument.

you can at some future date in court tell the judge you sent him letters

but the judge might hink " suuuuure you did"

get legal representation

show him that he can't be a bully
and cover your arse should things get ugly in the future.

HappyDaddy · 06/09/2007 12:11

What Custardo said. You'll need written back up at some point.

Original poster
pirategirl · 06/09/2007 12:11

caroline, i agree in theory totally with what you are saying.

unfortuantely he doesnt care about ther feelings, her comfort when she is with him. Why shuodl i now be forcing her to go thru soemting so upsettign for her.

I think 2 yrs of this is enuff. I am between a rock and a hard place. I have made her go, i have seen her look at me thru tears, when he turns up.

I have major concerns over what this is doing to her right now, and have therefore said she doesnthave to go. I just want to clarify that I have said, even now, 'he is your daddy' and you are going to have to see him, etc...

OP posts:
Baffy · 06/09/2007 12:14

Maybe if it was all formal and his dates were in writing and agreed in advance, then he may be more inclined to stick to them? And you'd have a good case going forward if he doesn't?

Awful situation - but I do think your dd at age 5 is perfectly able to express if she doesn't want to go and why. Sounds like you've done everything in your power to enable contact (being flexible, encouraging dd, bribes etc). I think maybe the formal route could be your only way forward from here. Doesn't sound like he listens to a word you (or dd) says

Caroline1852 · 06/09/2007 12:16

Er, how does this help the daughter. Going the legal route will cost a whole heap and it will at best come up with a defined timetable for contact. Defining contact is not really the issue, he wants to come and take the child camping (that is "defined") but she does not want him to come. People on occasion miss an occasional contact for all sorts of reasons (illness, pressing work engagements, etc) it is called real life and both parents need to exercise a bit of mutual understanding. You need to cooperate for your daughter's sake.

Baffy · 06/09/2007 12:18

caroline I think you can't see how hard PG has tried to maintain the contact.

he didn't turn up because he was in a 'sulk' and hurt his daughter badly.

what more can PG do?!

I am leaving this discussion now - I think you need more empathy for the op. she's trying her best in an awful situation.

Baffy · 06/09/2007 12:23

pg I wish you the best of luck with all of this. sounds like you've pushed dd enough. all you can do is encourage the contact and co-operate as you have already been doing.

if my child was scared of going away with his dad, scared of his dad's girlfriend, had constantly been let down by him and hadn't seen him alone in 2 years - I'm afraid I wouldn't be pushing too hard either!

it's her dad's responsibility now to take whatever small steps are necessary to rebuild the relationship. the odd hour here and there and time alone with her, slowly rebuild the trust... then maybe she'll be happy to go for weekends away.
as long as you never stop his contact and always encourage her, then there is not much more you can do.

don't push her though. i agree with you

good luck xx