Custody if I died

[Mumof2and5angels]

Sorry this is a really morbid conversation.
My question is dose anybody know what I can do to arrange who my children would stay with if I died. No I’m not I’ll or anything but you just never know what could happen.

My children’s dad has them every other weekend for 2 nights and they do love him.
My issue however is and this is beyond complicated me and there dad are back together but do not live together and basically when I need him he is useless. I recently gave birth to our 3rd son who was born sleeping and he knowing full well I was in labour and that the baby’s heart has stopped went to work as he didn’t want to let them down. He took no time off at all to help with our other 2 children he exspected my parents to do it, my son woke up puking the day I went into labour so couldn’t go to school and he still wouldn’t help.

There is a reason he isn’t a total tool, he is on immunosuppressant due to severe crohns so avoids being around the kids when there poorly. This week my son has now come down with chicken pox and I’m still struggling with the loss of our son but ovbiously he can’t help as he could
Become poorly himself.

I found myself asking him if we lived together again (which is the plan) what happens when the kids get poorly, he responded he would have to leave the house for a few days to stay with his mum. So this made me ask what happens if I die and he has the kids and they get poorly, he couldn’t answer.

He isn’t the worlds best dad he knows that l, even as a couple he lets me down all
The time on his time to spend with his kid’s, he is a bit obsessed with money and begrudges paying anything towards there care and will avoid buying them anything just tell me what he thinks they need.
My kids are 2&3 so I work part time eating 1/4 what he earns and yet he won’t help with basics.
We live with my parents, they do so much for my kids and given the choice I would rather my children where left in there care. They are the ones that take time off work when needed, help out when things get tight and honestly I think my kids think it’s 2 sets of parents.

What rights do they have if I died or how do I go about given them
Rights ?

I bought my house after we separated and I’ve stated in my will any funds from the sale of my house or life insurance is to go into a trust managed by my sister until the children are adults. He would only piss it away on gambling so at least if they did go to him I’d be helping them with a deposit for their own home when they’re older. You’re best checking with a solicitor if you could do the same thing. X

@RichTwoTurkeyFriend again, the children presently live with OP & her parents who can meet all their needs. There is contact x 2 per week subject to the children being well (OP has stated numerous times that the father cancels this). This is a far from black and white matter and I very much doubt OP would make any decision based on a MN thread without consulting a lawyer....

I trust the lawyer who provided the advice to me, and the lawyer who assisted me to appoint guardians in my will. My will also states contact with the Father must be safeguarded as like OP I am not waging a war against Fathers rights.. but I do need someone who can care for DD 100%.

@Mumof2and5angels I'm so sorry you've had such a awful time of late. I can completely understand why this question came to your mind. For me it was following a breast cancer scare so I can totally sympathise with where you are. With the help of some lawyers I managed to make provisions for my DDs care, and also ensure all my assets went into trust for her needs. I have a residence order which means I have the right to appoint a guardian other than the Father. I was advised to ensure it was clear why the Father was not suitable to take on residence. My executor will take care of ensuring these wishes are met ( and this can of course entail a court challenge where the courts will consider what is best for the children not anyone's rights - the courts don't care about parents rights only children's). Its hard when, for whatever reason, you can't rely on the Father to assume 100% care but there are things you can do to ensure your children will be taken care of and your wishes known. If you do co-habit I am afraid there is very little you will be able to do as far as I understand, however if you remain separate you may well be able to take the steps I did. I'm not sure PR would be awarded to anyone else if you live with the Father but a children's lawyer will be best to guide you. It would seem the Father might be willing to acknowledge the issues and work with you to make the right provisions. Have you spoken to him about this?

They would, rightly, live with their father.

We have spoken about it and he agrees his health means he could not be a single father and he has agreed there would need to be at least joint custody
It’s how we go about putting it in place and ensuring his mum can’t manuipulaye him into changing his mind.
He is not a useless father and when he is well he is great with the kids the issue being the times there all not poorly is much less.

I spoke to solicitor my ex doesn’t see ds, isn’t fit to. Eva parent . Was never allowed to see him unsupervised.
I have named. Where I would like Ds to go . Included a list of concerns in my letter but ultimately I won’t have control.

My DS dad is completely absent. Its been over 4 years now. His 5 so most his life. He is on the BC.
When making my will a few years ago I was informed my son would legally go to him as he would automatically get 100 PR should anything happen to me. I have stated guardians in my will and attached a letter of my wishes, but if he did try and take him out of the only life he has known then my family would fight for my sons best interests.

The thought destroys me actually, as in my opinion he is a stranger,but a Solicitor put my mind at rest. If anything did happen and he came for my son then my family would be able to apply to court. This is where he would have to explain his total absence for most of his life.

Hopefully i will live for a very long time but it is a huge worry