Custody if I died

[Mumof2and5angels]

Sorry this is a really morbid conversation.
My question is dose anybody know what I can do to arrange who my children would stay with if I died. No I’m not I’ll or anything but you just never know what could happen.

My children’s dad has them every other weekend for 2 nights and they do love him.
My issue however is and this is beyond complicated me and there dad are back together but do not live together and basically when I need him he is useless. I recently gave birth to our 3rd son who was born sleeping and he knowing full well I was in labour and that the baby’s heart has stopped went to work as he didn’t want to let them down. He took no time off at all to help with our other 2 children he exspected my parents to do it, my son woke up puking the day I went into labour so couldn’t go to school and he still wouldn’t help.

There is a reason he isn’t a total tool, he is on immunosuppressant due to severe crohns so avoids being around the kids when there poorly. This week my son has now come down with chicken pox and I’m still struggling with the loss of our son but ovbiously he can’t help as he could
Become poorly himself.

I found myself asking him if we lived together again (which is the plan) what happens when the kids get poorly, he responded he would have to leave the house for a few days to stay with his mum. So this made me ask what happens if I die and he has the kids and they get poorly, he couldn’t answer.

He isn’t the worlds best dad he knows that l, even as a couple he lets me down all
The time on his time to spend with his kid’s, he is a bit obsessed with money and begrudges paying anything towards there care and will avoid buying them anything just tell me what he thinks they need.
My kids are 2&3 so I work part time eating 1/4 what he earns and yet he won’t help with basics.
We live with my parents, they do so much for my kids and given the choice I would rather my children where left in there care. They are the ones that take time off work when needed, help out when things get tight and honestly I think my kids think it’s 2 sets of parents.

What rights do they have if I died or how do I go about given them
Rights ?

Not entirely sure as I thought they would go to your partner but didn't want to read and run.
So sorry to hear about your gorgeous little boy.
I know you didn't ask about this OP but he sounds awful. Do you really want to be with him?

Am so sorry about your baby boy....you must be heartbroken 💐Dad doesn’t sound very supportive so you definitely need to have a guardian organised for ‘just in case’ . X

I’m going to make excuses for him because I always do, he didn’t want another baby and when we got told our son wasn’t going to survive he clammed up and hasn’t really stopped. He however has always been like this when it comes to helping with the kids and not just when it comes to illness but always use his illness as a excuse.

I don’t even know how to go about making a request to have someone be a guardian just incase.
I feel like the situation recently has just scares me into wanting to make sure my boys are always looked after and loved.

Am I crazy thinking he is wrong to refuse to be around his kids tho when they are poorly, I get he is poorly too but surely they should always come first ?

If he has parental responsibility for the children, I’m pretty sure there’s nothing you can do to stop him taking over care of them if you passed away (and to be honest, nor should you be able to make that decision). If doesn’t sound as though he would want them full time, though. Perhaps it would be worth a chat with him about this?
I’m very sorry for the loss of you son 💐

He has agreed he wouldn’t be able to full time and suggested a share with my parents but my concern is he will change his mind once I’m gone and use his retired mum for support. The issue there is we made a joint decision she is not allowed to spend time
With the children on her own due to issues which caused us to worry about there safety in her care. But he is a mummy’s boy and is already trying to change that even tho it was his decision but she has kicked off and he dosent like it.

I don’t want it to sound like I’m trying to upset even after I’m gone it is genuinely concerns for my children. My partners condition is server he is in and out of hospital having had 11 operations in 2 years which follows 2 weeks of bed rest where he can’t do anything. He is 10 years older he dosent have his life together at all lives with his mum and has some how racked up a lot of debt while paying no bills and has a good job.

He has agreed he wouldn’t be able to full time and suggested a share with my parents but my concern is he will change his mind once I’m gone and use his retired mum for support.
He may well do that, and would be within his rights to do so. Unfortunately you are not able to enduringly control all aspects of you were to pass away (though you say yourself you aren’t ill so this seems an unlikely hypothetical regardless)

So regardless of the fact he isn’t fully capable of looking after his children and dosent do a lot of the things he should I would be exspected to just leave it I’m sure something can be done. I really struggle with this equal rights when one parent dosent even do half of what’s exspected as a parent

Can you state in your will that your parents are their legal guardian?

Do you have assets/finances or anything that you can legally entrust to your parents after death and dedicate it for their upkeep of the kids?

I don’t know how to answer but I would have same dilemma if I was you

OP, you would need him stripped of his legal, parenting and decision making rights. The fact he already has them overnights puts you in a precarious position to argue in any legal sense he poses enough risk that that should happen. The fact you remain in a relationship with him also makes that argument problematic.

I don’t want to strip his rights and I don’t want them to not have contact ect
I just believe they should be with my parents and spend time with there father like every weekend and some time in the holidays provided he is fit enough. He is a lovely man and we all love him so much but he knows himself he is not capable of full time parenting when we separated he was happy to admit that and there was no argument over who the children lived with.
His condition means he is tired all the time ( but yes he works full time) that’s why he only has them on weekends because he will
Come home then sleep till it’s time to get up. When we seperated our youngest was 8 weeks old he didn’t see the kids for 3 months because he didn’t feel emotionally stable to be around them. When he did see them it was because I took the kids over to see him following an operation he didn’t have a choice.

It’s not a case of cut him out it’s a case of putting the right support in place so he isn’t overwhelmed ect.

You can appoint your parents as guardians of your children in the event of your death. Their guardianship can be challenged by anyone holding parental responsibility (i.e. their dad) but given the circumstances you describe it seems unlikely he would? The courts would look at what is in the children's best interests.

Thank you how do I go about doing that ?

@Pinkyxx do not give ridiculous advice like this with no legal basis to the OP.
Let’s flip this scenario on its head using your advice.
Both parents have PR. He passes away and in his will, has named his mother as the guardian of the children. The OP then has to CHALLENGE his decision despite having PR. Does that sound right to you?

That’s not the same tho, myself and my children live with my parents so it would mean uprooting there home and potentially school as he lives in a diffrent catchment area. @RichTwoTurkeyFriend do you have a suggestion or do you believe that because he ‘made them’ regardless of his ability to care for them he deserves to have custody ?

OP, from a legal perspective, it’s exactly the same. You let him have them two nights a week and are in a relationship with him! So how concerned can you actually be about him as a parent? You can be unhappy with the legal aspects until the cows come home but it doesn’t change anything.
The only legal way to guarantee this would be to go to the family court now and seek full parental responsibility of the children to the exclusion of him. You would need to prove a good reason for this. Bearing in mind that men who actively abuse their children regularly retain rights and contact, I do not see that happening in this circumstance.
So that’s the legal side. My personal ethical view (which is not relevant but I will share) is that no, it’s not ok for you to unilaterally remove his rights as a father and seek to exert that control after death - in the same way I wouldn’t think it ok if he tried to do the same to you in the event of his death (which seems more likely a scenario given his health issues).
You can’t cut it both ways, OP. You’re still in a relationship with him, trying to convince him to live together, but then say he shouldn’t have your children if you passed away?

I appreciate your point of view.
I don’t want to remove his rights as clearly stated and I want him to continue to be a father to his children my concern comes from the point of view of protecting them when he has health issues as he would turn to family members which are not fit.
I will speak with a lawyer and get there opinion but I’m sure it can be done

@RichTwoTurkeyFriend appreciate your opinion however I've stated the legal advice I received from a lawyer.. being in a relatively similar situation to OP and having made provisions for this situation in the event of my death.

If you read my post, it clearly acknowledges the Father has PR however despite that PR OP lives with the children at her parents. OP is not looking to change his ''rights'' she is looking to ensure her children are taken care of if she passes away given the very genuine issues related to the Father's health. Status quo is therefore that OP raises her children at her parents home with their support. Courts don't change the status quo without good reason. I understood OP would still want the status quo of contact with the Father maintained, I don't read any intent to remove his rights at all.. or 'exert' control.. ?

Obviously, if OP cohabits again with the Father, then the status quo becomes that.

@pinkyxx a quick advanced search shows you claim your partner has the children less than 5% of the time. This is in no way relatively similar to the OP who remains in a relationship with this man, wants to cohabit with him and gives him unsupervised contact twice a week.
Regardless, I think it would be excellent for OO to see a solicitor so they can inform her her will does not trump his legal rights as father.

Also - of course courts don’t change the status quo without good reason. The death of a parent by definition is a huge change in relevant circumstances. If a couple with no issues split and mum took the children back to her parents and her and her partner shared custody, say, 70:30 at her request and she tragically died, if there are no risk issues, the children don’t default to her parents because she chose not to live on her own.

I’m fully aware I can’t just state it in my will.
I’m more looking for a solution such as extending PR to my parents so it can be dealt with as per case at the time.
As for living with him if you read my comments he has stated that if the children or himself for that matter become poorly he would leave untill he was better and kids are better.
By sharing PR with parents if it’s possible it means they won’t have the kids snached away and they can all come to an agreement as to what’s in the children’s best interests and if need be have the courts decide.
He has them 2 nights a week every 2 weeks and even at that he cancels because he is unwell
Or they are unwell. Which now is fine because I can just say ok they stay home if there is an issue while they are there he calls I pick them up.
This isn’t a hate campaign against fathers or men it’s just a mother trying to put steps in place for everyone best interest.
Giving birth to my stillborn son in January I had sever complications and ended up in theatre and this was one of the things I worried about so unlikely or not I feel it’s best to have a plan.

For the life of me I can’t understand why you are pursuing a relationship with someone you view as so useless a parent.
Please, please go and have a lawyer talk you through this. And I really hope you’re receiving the grief and loss support you need as well because you must be going through an incredibly difficult time at the moment.

Your best bet is to get your partner to agree that the children would remain with your parents, if you were to die. As other people have said, he would be the person who would get to make that choice, there is almost nothing that you can do now to change that.

Do you have life insurance? You could set that up and state that it should go to your parents in order that they can care your children, I think.

Hi OP, I’m in a similar situation and my solicitor told me that if I die the kids will automatically legally go to their deadbeat dad (my ex). He doesn’t like to admit he’s a deadbeat dad so I know he wouldn’t let my sister and her husband have them as I want. They would spend the rest of their childhood in front of a tv/xbox or palmed off onto his mum or cousin. It’s a really shit position to be in but then again you are enabling him by remaining in a relationship with a man who’s not a responsible partner or responsible father. He should be bending over backwards to support you after the loss of your little boy. You need to believe that you and your children deserve better. X