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Original poster

Father threatening to take any new born!

41 replies

november90 · 25/02/2020 11:00

Ex husband and I have split. I tried to imitate counciling but he's refusing. We've just had a huge row and now he's saying that he's looking at taking the baby over night when he's born. We share a 3 year old together. I was going to breast feed the baby. I honestly cannot believe this. What eights does he have? What can I do? I am completely heartbroken!!!!

OP posts:
carly2803 · 25/02/2020 11:13

are you divorced?

this is really important?^

if you are, then do not put him on the birth cert, if he takes him its kidnap.
if you are married, he will be on there automatically, get a residency (there is another term for it), order from court if he even attempts to take the child

supervised visits with a newborn. No man who puts his child first would take a baby away from its mother, especially breastfeeding.

hes a piece of work isnt he?

Fundays12 · 25/02/2020 11:13

He does have rights to access the baby but courts will rarely remove a very young baby from his mother for overnight access. If baby is breastfed they definitely won’t. Courts will rule in what’s deemed to be the best interest of the child (or children). If I was you I would get a solicitor and check if you are eligible for legal aid. You need to show the court you are also being reasonable. Given the age of the baby and as he is threatening to take a baby overnight who would starve I would be asking for contact to be held at a contact centre where staff will not allow him to leave with the kids. These are only temporary but can go on for a few months if need be. Due to babies needing frequent and shorter contact sessions the courts often suggest 2 hours a week. This slowly tends to increase as the baby is able to go longer in between feeds. You can wait in another room in the contact centre normally so are nearby if the kids need you but don’t have to deal with your ex.

Fundays12 · 25/02/2020 11:14

Also keep all records of threats as evidence so engage via text, emails etc.

UYScuti · 25/02/2020 11:17

He's probably just doing this to control you and scare you, obviously you need to take seriously the fact that he's a person who wants you to be scared and under his control

gamerchick · 25/02/2020 11:17

Look, they always do this. It's designed to create anxiety and make sure that they occupy a large portion of your thoughts. Stop you hooking up with another man almost. He won't want overnights with a newborn, they never do.

STOP engaging and rowing. Communicate only about the child that's here and speak to a solicitor.

UYScuti · 25/02/2020 11:19

Keep a very detailed log of everything that happens make sure that any communication with him is by email so that you have a record of everything
don't get into any rows be as calm and businesslike as you can with him, treat him like a colleague that you don't like but you have to get along with, try to avoid any real-time conversation, only reply in writing, if he leaves you a voicemail message reply to it with an email etc

Original poster
november90 · 25/02/2020 11:22

We are married, not divorced yet. We only seperated 6 weeks ago. We went for a consultation councilling meeting today and he said he didn't want to take it further and for it to be business only. He then told me he's looking into having our 3 year old son jointly and having the new born over night.

I am SO scared. These children are my whole life. I just don't know what to do!!!!

When would he be likely to have the baby over night? I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 25/02/2020 11:24

Is there a reason why you seem frightened of him? Do you not trust him?

TeachesOfPeaches · 25/02/2020 11:28

You might end up in court - a judge would never agree to overnights for a new born so don't worry.

UYScuti · 25/02/2020 11:34

This is about control, the best way to control a person is to make them feel scared he understands that and he's doing it deliberately
this is all about him trying to get in control of the situation, in effect he is trying to control you by holding the baby to ransom
He knows full well that the thought of being separated from a newborn baby that you are breastfeeding is unbearable and you will do almost anything to try and stop this from happening, it's just a way of getting leverage and control over you.
He may well be taking advice from some sort of 'fathers for justice' group and this is just part of a strategy

Original poster
november90 · 25/02/2020 11:37

I'm frightened of him taking the children. My son and our new born are my whole world. I am so scared he'll be able to take them away half the week and I'll just be a part time mum. I'm so scared of loosing them and them not having a regular home. I feel like everything has fallen apart.

OP posts:
Original poster
november90 · 25/02/2020 11:38

What age would they agree over nights? I couldn't imagine being away from my eldest overnight under the age of 1!!! He knows this. He's trying to make me out to be controlling and it's not fair!!!!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 25/02/2020 11:44

OP, take a breath. Sit quietly and try and still the jabbering panic in your head.

He doesn't want the newborn overnight, he wants to make you scared and out of control now. He's a cunt wanting to control you and make you feel helpless.

Ring a friend and sort out an appointment with a solicitor. There is not a person here who will be able to convince you he won't get overnights with a newborn.

Unless they're a solicitor probably.

Candymay · 25/02/2020 11:45

Most bullies don’t act on their threats. Get some real life support. Children’s centres might have good advice for you. Plough on with the divorce.

Candymay · 25/02/2020 11:46

And yes, try not to panic. Deep slow breaths. This will all be ok.

Mumteedum · 25/02/2020 11:47

You poor love. Flowers Document everything. He can't do this and he won't. My ex wanted 50 /50 and then climbed right down when it came to actually having responsibility and doing the work of being a parent.

Tell your midwife and gp about this stress.

Megan2018 · 25/02/2020 11:50

Get legal advice pronto and do the breastfeeding if you can then overnights won’t be awarded whilst you are feeding.

But you will have to share custody unless there is very good reason not-but the court will decide what is fair to the children, not automatically what your ex wants. And if he behaves like a twat they will take a dim view.

Secure the best legal representation you can before he does!

Clangus00 · 25/02/2020 12:02

As others have said he won’t get overnights for the baby for a while, but will certainly be given contact with his child. Make sure you get a child arrangement order to state where baby lives so baby will be returned if he refuses at any point to send baby home.
However.....he might well be granted 50/50 care of the 3 year old if the judge deems this to be suitable for the child.
Your ex husband has NO rights, but your children do.
Get a solicitor ASAP. Good luck.

throwaway201809 · 25/02/2020 12:04

Courts don't tend to allow overnights for newborns whilst breastfeeding. However I have seen where overnights have been granted and the mother has provided expressed milk for the child.

The starting point for custody does tend to be 50/50 in family courts these days. Many men kick up a fuss and say they're going to go for this however when they realise the work involved they often then suddenly only want a few days a week.

I understand how upsetting and stressful this is, however they are also his children just as much as yours.

If you don't have one already, you should really consider a solicitor to get this all sorted.

I hope things improve soon 💖

Pumpkinpie1 · 25/02/2020 12:19

I’m not sure from your post if you are actually scared of your husband, or scared and anxious about being alone unable to be with your children whilst they spend time with their dad?

I’m not trying to be pedantic but other than him not wanting to go to counselling it’s unclear whether or not he is just a dad who wants to see the kids from what you have disclosed.

lyingwanker · 25/02/2020 12:22

I wouldn't bother giving him a reaction. When he starts threatening this and that regarding taking the children just ignore him. Let him take you to court if that's what he wants to do. Would he even be able to manage 50/50 access with work etc? If you've been the main parent until now the courts aren't just suddenly goi to change that arrangement because it's not in the interests of the child.

Pumpkinpie1 · 25/02/2020 12:34

I think it’s better if you can to try and be amicable for yours and your children’s sakes if it’s possible
As their dad he has the right to see his children, and most kids are happier when both parents are in their lives -circs depending
It’s highly unlikely he would be able to care for a new born overnight.
So don’t worry about that x Are you taking care of yourself?
Is there a reason why shared overnight custody (when older) worries you?

Devlesko · 25/02/2020 12:41

Get cracking with a divorce,he isn't your ex husband, you are still married.
See a solicitor and speak to you mw about his threats and how anxious you are. Thanks

champagneandfromage50 · 25/02/2020 13:03

As others have said get legal advice ASAP. You need to reflect on what your ex is saying- I have no doubt he isn't father of the year at the moment and the reality of him being able to simple take a newborn off you over night or even really wanting to is nonsense. I would also speak to your family and get support as this sounds terribly stressful for you and your ex sounds like a dreadful bully who thinks causing stress and anxiety to the mother of his DC and pregnant with another is ok...

Original poster
november90 · 25/02/2020 13:03

Thank you everyone.
I'm going to citizens advice next Tuesday to see if I can get some help with legal costs and I will speak to someone to see what is likely to happen. I feel this will help with my anxiety a lot as I'm just so worried at the moment. I just want my sons to have a home and not here half the week and there the rest. He works shifts so our childcare is not the same every week. It's really disruptive for them and I just don't want that!

Everyone I'm talking to is telling me that he's using bullying tactics and intimidation tactics and the more I think of it the more that I agree! I'm going to completely cut him off now and only talk about childcare/finances and let him sit and worry!
Time to take my beautiful rings off :(

OP posts:
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