My ex wouldn't have his children in an emergency

[allthesharks]

This is just a rant really, because I'm so angry at my XH.

My DC have been unwell since Monday. They've had high fevers, coughs, colds, headaches, stomach aches and been generally miserable. They've been waking up loads in the night so I've not been getting much sleep. I started to get ill as well on Tuesday night. Yesterday I felt awful. My parents took both DC for me as I was not in a position to be able to look after them. They're very close to my parents but I still felt guilty because I knew they would want me if they weren't feeling well. I got progressively worse throughout the day with my fever not coming down with paracetamol and as I'm pregnant I couldn't take anything else. I saw the GP, who said if it still didn't come down after the next dose of paracetamol to go to A&E, which is what ended up happening. I contacted my XH and asked him to take the DC over night because I was in hospital. He knows they're not well either. He responded that he couldn't have them because his mums not well either (he lives with them) and there's not really anywhere for them to sleep. It's a 3 bed house and it could be done if XH slept on the sofa. For one night, given the circumstances, I don't think that would be unreasonable. He asked why they couldn't just stay with my DP instead. My parents are amazing and they do loads for me and the DC. They agreed to having them but I don't feel they should have had to have done that when both DC were unwell, and did both wake in the night very upset. As much as my DC love my parents and feel very comfortable there, I also don't feel it was fair on them to not be with a parent when they feel so rubbish.

I'm just so angry with him for being able to say no. What would I have done if I didn't have my parents to lean on? I'd have had to have left the hospital without being seen. They were worried about sepsis and concerned about the baby, but fortunately the bloods came back clear. He is their parent and, to me, that means you do whatever is necessary for your children. If he felt they couldn't stay at his house, then he could have got a hotel room. Not ideal, but none of it was ideal. Maybe I'm being massively unreasonable, but I know that as their mother I can never say no, if they need me then I'll move heaven and earth to be there for them and do whatever is best for them. I did consider leaving the hospital to go and get them, but my mum convinced me to stay and be seen.

I just feel so angry that the weight of responsibility is fully on my shoulders no matter what the situation.

Well he's clearly a dick.

I also think A&E for a fever is overkill. What did they say?

It's not relevant what they said, that's not the point. It's not overkill if you are pregnant and advised by the NHS.

YANBU op

It was the fact the fever wasn't coming down that concerned the GP, especially because I'm pregnant. They said it's flu but because there's no infection in the blood there's no risk to the baby even with the fever remaining high.

And this is why he's your EX !

“I was advised to go to A&E by the doctor if fever didn’t come down”

“Why did you go to A&E for a fever?!”

Talk about not reading the OP properly

And yes your ex is a total dick.

Yup he is a dick, my son has sensory issues and needed a shower I put my back out and couldnt lift him into the shower i asked dad to help him shower at his house he sent him home saying it's ok he has promised he will get in himself you do it I couldn't even wash his hair my back was so bad my daughter did it in the end shoved him in with his pants on and poured shampoo and shower gel over the top (she was respectful of his privacy 😂)

I've never asked him for help since

Oh good. I'm glad it's not just me that thinks he's a dick. I was second guessing myself and wondering if I was expecting too much.

Yes, I am very glad he is my ex. I just don't understand such ambivalence to your children.

Isn't that the point though @slipperywhensparticus - it shouldn't be asking for "help", it's just being a parent.

Instead of asking you should have told him. Better still you should have got your parents to drop the dc off at his dp's home.
What a horrible father, poor kids.

Yanbu op.

He is a dick and the reason he said no is because he can! Certain men know that others in the family will pick up their slack, the people who love your children will never see them suffer and he knows this that’s why he says no.

Yes he's been crap.

But I got quite a long way with my ex by changing my language to constantly reinforce that they were his responsibility too. So in that instance I would have simply told him that he needed to come and get them. You need to get away from thinking that he is doing you a favour, as that's how he's seeing it too. And a favour is something you can say yes or no to isn't it?

So next time, just tell him that he needs to have them (offer that he can borrow their douvets if necessary). And when he does have them, you can be pleasant with him, but bite your tongue and do no say thank you to him for looking after his kids - because that too is reinforcing his idea that they are your responsibility and he is just helping you out. I think it really can help to try to get you both out of that mentality.

It's so crap for my DC. They deserve so much better than him as a father. Not that you would believe it from reading this, but when we were together he was an incredibly devoted father who would do anything for them, and me. I never could have imagined he would be this way.

Yanbu OP. It’s not just a matter of his responsibility as a parent in terms of practicalities of care, but it’s also just mean - your DC were ill and missing their mum, any reasonable dad would want to be with them to look after and comfort them

Ime exes rarely do anything that may remotely seem like doing you a favour..

Your right @Greendayz I do exactly that, and I have thanked him before when he's had the DC at a time he wouldn't ordinarily. I think because it happens so rarely, that I thank him as a way of positive reinforcement. But you're right, it does reinforce the idea that it's optional.

No it’s not in your head, he’s a dick.

My ex can be absolutely hopeless at times but in this sort of situation he’d be there like a shot. He’d also be wanting to reassure his kids that their mother (ie me) would be all right and they didn’t need to worry.

I hope you’re all feeling a little better now.

I’m not sure how old your children are but other parents can be a Godsend in situations like this. I’ve been on standby to take care of schoolfriends when one parent had suspected appendicitis, for example. We all try to help each other out.

Course he's a dick. As stated above, there are some men that will not step up when its necessary, because a) it would help you b) they are too selfish and only do things to benefit themselves and not their children and c) they are dicks.

My best friend isn't even allowed a contact number for her ex. She is expected to ferry them to him once a fortnight. He will not allow them intto his home, so she stops at a specified point, where they go get into his car. Then she has to hang around for the entire three hours it takes for him to grudgingly interact with them in a non-home setting. And then drive them the 45 minutes home again. Unless they're ill. Then he won't see them at all .

@sugarbum that's appalling. Why does he even bother? I just can't get my head around the mentality of these men. Seeing them for 3 hours every couple of weeks is not a relationship with them. Those poor children.

My ex agreed to have sick DS for the day while I was working. Although he was 'busy' that day, a friend coming round. After I picked DS up 7 hours later, I asked him what he'd had for lunch. He hadn't had anything to eat all day and had been ignored by his dad who was (I have strong reason to believe) shagging his 'friend' in the next room. Twat. Aparently he'd offered him a pot Noodle.

@posterallthesharks no idea whats going on there. Its like he just switched them off. He does what he needs to do legally, i.e. pays maintenance, but otherwise he does fuck all. He did call them once a week, at a set time, for a bit, but that's stopped, and they aren't allowed to call him as he is 'too busy'.

He has said if she doesn't bring the kids to him he won't contest it (in writing - he will not speak to her). She's done everything she can to try and get him to have them for their sake, but he has proved time and time again that he just doesn't give a shit. His new family is more important. The kids aren't stupid, and they realise whats going on. Doesn't stop them sobbing their hearts out when he refuses to see them yet again because of some stupid reason.
Like one of them had a cold during the week. He accused my friend of deliberately trying to infect his family by sending the kids to him (even though she had no way of telling him that one of them had had a cold) He has now put it in writing that that they cannot come if either of them has been ill in the last 7 days. She can only communicate this via contact through his MIL who is expected to be the go between. FFS.

There was no indication beforehand i.e. when they were married, that he would be such an arsehole to the kids. I mean he wasn't particularly 'present', but no-one knew he'd behave like this.

Sorry. I'm hijacking. I see it over and over again though. Of all the relationship breakups I've seen, I'd say 90% of them men become bitter, selfish, manchildren, with no intent other than to make life difficult for their exes. In fact, of the ones that are 'doing their share' of the parenting, I'd say half are still hugely vindictive towards their exes. I don't have it in for all men. My DDad fought for me back in the day, and won (although I still had to be looked after by my nan as he worked abroad!)

Tbh my first thought was if he's living with his mum, and she is ill, is he not worried about her catching the illness the DC have if her immune system is already low? Is she elderly and he is caring for her? I understand your frustration if she is young and strong but sometimes it is necessary to prioritise elderly ill people who are most vulnerable, I can see why it would put him in a tricky position if he was the main person caring for his mum to then have you require his help on your contact time. In that position I'd have had to say no, too.

@aSofaNearYou his Mum is 65, still works and has her partner living with her. She had a cold, no underlying health problem. My XH moved back in with his mum after we sold her house (I moved out with the DC sooner as I needed the support of my parents), supposedly temporarily, but he's been there for 2 years now.

Sorry, "our house", not her house.

Fair enough, he could of course have done more then. Perhaps his parents didn't want them staying (my parents are a similar age and would not want ill children staying with them, especially if they were ill themselves). Because he doesn't have his own place, he isn't free to choose. Does he not usually have them overnight, if there is apparently no room for them there?