My ex wouldn't have his children in an emergency

[allthesharks]

This is just a rant really, because I'm so angry at my XH.

My DC have been unwell since Monday. They've had high fevers, coughs, colds, headaches, stomach aches and been generally miserable. They've been waking up loads in the night so I've not been getting much sleep. I started to get ill as well on Tuesday night. Yesterday I felt awful. My parents took both DC for me as I was not in a position to be able to look after them. They're very close to my parents but I still felt guilty because I knew they would want me if they weren't feeling well. I got progressively worse throughout the day with my fever not coming down with paracetamol and as I'm pregnant I couldn't take anything else. I saw the GP, who said if it still didn't come down after the next dose of paracetamol to go to A&E, which is what ended up happening. I contacted my XH and asked him to take the DC over night because I was in hospital. He knows they're not well either. He responded that he couldn't have them because his mums not well either (he lives with them) and there's not really anywhere for them to sleep. It's a 3 bed house and it could be done if XH slept on the sofa. For one night, given the circumstances, I don't think that would be unreasonable. He asked why they couldn't just stay with my DP instead. My parents are amazing and they do loads for me and the DC. They agreed to having them but I don't feel they should have had to have done that when both DC were unwell, and did both wake in the night very upset. As much as my DC love my parents and feel very comfortable there, I also don't feel it was fair on them to not be with a parent when they feel so rubbish.

I'm just so angry with him for being able to say no. What would I have done if I didn't have my parents to lean on? I'd have had to have left the hospital without being seen. They were worried about sepsis and concerned about the baby, but fortunately the bloods came back clear. He is their parent and, to me, that means you do whatever is necessary for your children. If he felt they couldn't stay at his house, then he could have got a hotel room. Not ideal, but none of it was ideal. Maybe I'm being massively unreasonable, but I know that as their mother I can never say no, if they need me then I'll move heaven and earth to be there for them and do whatever is best for them. I did consider leaving the hospital to go and get them, but my mum convinced me to stay and be seen.

I just feel so angry that the weight of responsibility is fully on my shoulders no matter what the situation.

He has them every other weekend, when he takes them to his sisters house. When they're there, his sister and her husband move to the sofa bed, XH shares their bed with our 6 yo and my 3yo sleeps on an air bed on the floor. They also have their 7yo cousin in the same room (she usually shares with her parents). There are 2 other adult children living at home and 2 at university who sometimes come home on those weekends too.

Fair enough that they may not have wanted their grandchildren their if they were ill, but my Mum also has a cold but prioritised her grandchildren because, aside from anything else, they didn't have a choice.

As I said, he could have booked a hotel to have the DC there. At least they would have been with their Dad if they couldn't be with their Mum.

there, not their

What a disgusting man. Parent should be be the first port of call when a a child needs one. Obviously. Grandparents should only come into it when both parents genuinely are unable to and if the GPs are 100% happy about it.

Tell him you'll no longer help him out since he can't put his children first. Not that looking after his children should be helping you out .

My XH tried to do this when I had to go in for an operation. I pointed out that the only alternative would be going into some sort of care for 5 days, and he finally relented.

He was being a dick

Remember calling my ex from hospital to say I had just been admitted and told I needed emergency surgery, so he'd need to leave work and pick DD up from school. He said he had lots on at work. I paused in horror and he said "oh, ok, sorry I will get her". Can't believe he thought there was a choice!

Well now you know, they have one parent and one sort-of.

IME children know who has got their back. The bad times tell them. We all got norovirus one year and DH had to spend two nights of vomiting with poor DD because I couldn't. They have been much closer since then.

I think part of the problem is that he knows how good my parents are. They did so much for us in the 11 years we were together and he knows how devoted they are to my DC so he knows if he doesn't do it, they will.

DD1 was admitted to hospital twice in the first year after we separated. Each time for 4 or 5 nights. Guess who looked after DD2 every night while I was stayed in hospital with DD1? I'll give you a clue, it wasn't her father. He did manage to come and visit DD1 for an hour the day before she was discharged the second time though. That hospital was a whole 10 minutes from his parents house, so it's understandable he would have found it difficult to get there!

So basically he is massively putting all his family out? He needs to get his arse in gear and get his own place - it's the only way he can be a responsible father

He's a bellend. My ex won't have our DD if he has a cold. Ridiculous. I don't know what he thinks happens when I'm poorly! Twat.

I know. I completely agree with you. But he hasn't up to now and I don't see that he will. He seems to want no responsibilities.

My partner and I have recently bought a lovely house together, so we're trying to give my DC the best possible life that we can. Just to add that my partner would have looked after DC last night, but we both knew that they wouldn't have been as comfortable with him as they would have been with their Dad or my parents. Hopefully over time that will change, but even then that just lets their Dad off the hook so he has to take even less responsibility for his own children. I'm grateful, and very fortunate, that my DP wants that role in their lives. But that role shouldn't be vacant when their Dad is still around.

@Beautyoftheirdreams well obviously mothers don't ever get unwell. They never take turns vomiting with their children through the night (I remember one night where I had to change my bedding 4 times as DD2 kept being sick in my bed, all the while running to the bathroom myself to throw up), and they never have to comfort their feverish child, while they also have a fever, meaning they become one enormous radiator! Mothers are exempt from any kind of illness, especially the ones that their children have!

"Just to add that my partner would have looked after DC last night, but we both knew that they wouldn't have been as comfortable with him as they would have been with their Dad"

As you are about to have a baby with this new partner then it's a bit worrying that you think the children you already have would feel this way.

When kids are ill they usually just want to be in their own beds at home.

When kids are ill they usually just want to be in their own beds at home.

And mine wants one of her parents.

Just to add that my partner would have looked after DC last night, but we both knew that they wouldn't have been as comfortable with him as they would have been with their Dad or my parents. Hopefully over time that will change, but even then that just lets their Dad off the hook so he has to take even less responsibility for his own children.

It isn't about letting him off the hook or not (he sounds useless either way), it's about the kids and them knowing that they have adults in their lives that they can depend on. It sounds like your partner is doing a good job, so at least they have them in their lives as well as you. I hope you get well soon.

The problem is, that while they will go to my partner for most things ordinarily including comfort, when they're unwell they only ever want me. Perhaps if I wasn't there then they would be fine with him comforting them, but it's not a situation that's ever been tested because I've always been there in that situation. Equally, I would have been here last night regardless, and as much as DP would have tried to comfort and look after them, if I was here they would have just wanted me and I needed to rest so I can try to get better too.

Well that's my experience. Men can just walk away from their responsibilities when it suits them, can't they. Doesn't matter what impact that has on the DCs or the other parent. It's all about their happiness. It's what they deserve, after all.

* When kids are ill they usually just want to be in their own beds at home.*

My children only want to be in my bed with me when they're ill. In fact, my bed is always their preference over their own!

My ex is like this he wouldnt have our ds so I could work (after having 3 days off unpaid )with a sick child because he had golf. I never ask him now.

Well my ex wouldn’t have my dcs in an emergency because he is absent and hasn’t seen them in 3 years, so you’re not alone with that. You’re obviously not being unreasonable but you can’t force him to have them.

Deadbeat dad is useless with childcare = win for them as never get asked again.

Useless man dyes everything pink when washing = never gets asked again.

Win win for the blokes.

Extra work and unnecessary pressure for mum

Not great for mum or teaching children how to progress in life and have equal future relationships.

I feel your anger. What jazzycat says is right, some men get lazy and selfish when they know others will pick up the slack. My ex has actually told me he’s struggling and I shouldn’t need help because I get child benefit and tax credits on top of my wage AND my mum will always help me out if I need it!!
Last year DS2 4 years was admitted into hospital with asthma related respiratory issue’s, unfortunately it was DS1’s birthday the next day so my mum had to have DS1 and DD overnight while I stayed in the hospital with DS2, then we swapped kids and I did DS1’s birthday party on very little sleep.
Their dad “couldn’t” come as he was with his girlfriend and other child about 50 minutes away. That was a low point in parenting.