Looking for other non-resident mums. How do I protect my parental rights?

[dilmum]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I'm looking for other non-resident mums who might have struggled with keeping their parental rights. There's loads of help for non-resident dads; however I don't know if that applies to mums because we have parental rights enshrined in law.

To cut a very long story short, I separated from my husband about 20 months ago. We decided at the time the kids (3 of them; now 16, 13 and 8) should stay with him so they weren't separated from their friends. Shortly after I left, I stopped being informed of problems they were having at school, medical issues and the such.

Now, almost two years later, my contact with them has been eroded to just 26 hours twice a month and I am no longer informed of some pretty serious and life changing decisions concerning the middle child's health until he's made them and there's nothing I can do about it.

What can I do? Things are hideously tense between us anyway and I don't want to make it worse, but I also feel like I've totally been cut out of their life other than to provide a babysitting service for him twice a month...that's not how I see the time with them, it's how he sees it.

Any other mums got a similar experience? Is my only recourse a legal one? And, what good will that do if I'd have to go to court every time he breaches the agreement?

I've not had access removed and there's no reason, other than I don't want to move them away from friends, that I couldn't take custody...so there's no reason he could have to erode my rights...other than he's still taking joy in controlling me and watching me break.

TIA
J

@stophuggingme

Would you prefer she stay there until he beats her so much she's dead? Because we all know, a dead parent is an effective parent.
I had to leave my ex because he was systematically destroying my sanity. He threatened to take our DD and kill the pair of them if I stopped him seeing her, and admitted to doing so to the police. Sometimes women have absolutely no choice to make he tough decisions that the OP did.

Your comments are extremely nasty and unnecessary.

@stophuggingme not everyone is you.

Do you judge Dads who live apart from their children just as harshly? I dont see the OP asking for your opinion on her life choices ...

OP - legal advice is probably the best anyone here can suggest. Id like to hope that some of the extreme responses here come from a place of concern for the safety of the children which is of course just as important as yours.

I get why you left. I get that you had to. But realistically to be more involved you are going to have to move geographically closer.

You could get a court order to require him to give information, but if he breaches it what would you do.

The sad thing is he probably is a danger to your children. When I left ex I worried he might be abusive to them too. But everyone in the court system argued he wouldnt be. He really was. Eventually DS disclosed the abuse and it all came spilling out. He had been emotionally abusive with them whenever he had contact. DS cheery exterior during those years belied the suffering he was enduring.

I am so sorry for you but also for your children. I bet they love you and miss you they are just too scared of him to admit it.

@Soontobe60
I also left someone like that but I fought to make sure he didn’t take my children half the time and brainwash them
He doesn’t

My comments are not nasty or unnecessary.
I don’t understand a mother that can do this

But in answer @Tatty101 I don’t think much fo any parent - make or female - that can just walk away from their children and actually especially if they themselves are being abused. It makes no sense to me to abandon your children to the fate you are escaping from

Still as always it’s nice to see that mumsnet it full of raging hypocrites in that they are or tending not to be judgemental when of course they are. At least I was being honest. I am making a judgement

NatashaAlianovaRomanova‘s advice is good advice.

I won’t judge you for leaving your kids “behind”, whoever thinks that is fair to drag teenagers away from their lives/friends when they are not in danger has not had teenagers. Teens (or most teens) have already half a life away from the house and are not very interested in spending all day(s) gravitating around a parent, you cannot just ”take them with you” especially if they don’t want to.

I’m not sure if Gillick Competence would apply in Scotland but if it does, and your older kids are thought to be competent enough to make decisions, you have not much legal right to be consulted about treatment. I would say the best way to deal with the issue is to ensure your kids feel comfortable with discussing these medical problems openly with you so you can let them know your views and try to influence their decisions (I can assure you that is as much as their dad can do as well).

Trying to impose a view on them via legal procedures is more likely to alienate your kids and make them over protective of their decisions. Keep the communication channels open, be there for your kids but unless they are taking medical decisions about life changing procedures, just asking them to keep you in the loop may be the best way forward even when we know how bad teens can be to keep you informed.

I've always believed children have rights first and foremost and parents only have responsibilities. I can only believe it was very hard for you given the circumstances you describe. No one can possibly know what it's like to walk in your shoes.

That said, whichever parent has ''day to day'' care has to, inevitably, take the lions share of responsibility and cannot realistically check on every little thing. That is not to say that the non-resident parent should not be consulted, they should but some decisions have to be made real time. It's difficult to tell what kind of decisions you mean from your post, but I think you mean ''big'' ones in which case I would ALWAYS consult my ex as I would expect him to part of that decision. I consult him on anything I'd expect a stake in, but not small stuff if that makes sense.

I don't know about Scotland but in the UK, far as I understand, the non resident parent must be consulted on things like education, school choice, medical decisions (not runny nose stuff etc). If your ex isn't willing to collaborate, and you feel strongly that his decisions are not in one or more child's best interest's then I think the legal route is probably you're only option. On the other hand, if you agree with the decisions but are looking for a say then my advice is steer carefully as you don't want to be perceived as rocking the boat when the children are happy & safe. I do believe you should be involved either way, but courts can be fickle.

Your expectations are unrealistic in this case. Normally, 13yo are considered able to consent to medical treatment regardless of their parents' opinions so if your son consented to medical treatment then you can't take the issue to court and get it reversed.

I'm a RP with an ex who sees the kids a similar amount to you and he is not consulted on everything as it's impractical to do so. If he took me to court saying that he should be consulted on everything then I'd see it as an attempt to control me. If we had 50/50 then he'd be consulted on everything but he's not even entered our child's school building and she's been there 6 years. He has every right to get the school to send all communication to him and check the website so he knows what's going on but I would be furious if he started questioning my decisions. Luckily ex trusts my decisions and I will explain them to him if asked so it's not happened but if he thought I was being a dick then I'd be furious.

I also had a middle child with health problems a year ago. I suspect that ex has not logged his address with the GP so found out about hospital appointments from me. I took the time off to care for him and managed his return to school months later. If ex had questioned my decisions and talked about rights then I'd be furious. I'm not eroding his rights by making decisions without him. If he wanted equal say then quite frankly he needs to do 50% of the parenting but fortunately he can see that I am acting in the kids interests and as main parent gets main say. I don't want to have to parent him too and chase after his approval for everything when he hasn't proactively registered himself with school, doctor etc

Sorry about that rant about my ex - maybe you are registered with school and gp in which case pursue them