Looking for other non-resident mums. How do I protect my parental rights?

[dilmum]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I'm looking for other non-resident mums who might have struggled with keeping their parental rights. There's loads of help for non-resident dads; however I don't know if that applies to mums because we have parental rights enshrined in law.

To cut a very long story short, I separated from my husband about 20 months ago. We decided at the time the kids (3 of them; now 16, 13 and 8) should stay with him so they weren't separated from their friends. Shortly after I left, I stopped being informed of problems they were having at school, medical issues and the such.

Now, almost two years later, my contact with them has been eroded to just 26 hours twice a month and I am no longer informed of some pretty serious and life changing decisions concerning the middle child's health until he's made them and there's nothing I can do about it.

What can I do? Things are hideously tense between us anyway and I don't want to make it worse, but I also feel like I've totally been cut out of their life other than to provide a babysitting service for him twice a month...that's not how I see the time with them, it's how he sees it.

Any other mums got a similar experience? Is my only recourse a legal one? And, what good will that do if I'd have to go to court every time he breaches the agreement?

I've not had access removed and there's no reason, other than I don't want to move them away from friends, that I couldn't take custody...so there's no reason he could have to erode my rights...other than he's still taking joy in controlling me and watching me break.

TIA
J

[dilmum]

@ddraigygoch yes, I have spoken to her. We discuss it every time we meet. I'm avoiding putting her and the other two in the middle of a fight between me and her dad.

Apparently, better mums than me would say, this might be in their best interests.

[dilmum]

So with all of that given, I think the answer is to find out what my rights are and then make clear to all concerned that I intend to exercise them.

[GADDay]

So in summary, you left your children with a violent man and moved two hours away to avoid a commute.

You put your needs first and their safety second. Do not be naive enough to think he'd reserve his violent nature just for you. Just dont.

IMO you should have:
a: kicked him out and stayed in the family home, if necessary involving the police.
b: failing that found alternative accommodation for you and your children locally
c: failing that, as a last option move the children with you to a new location

Leaving them with a violent man and buggering off two hours away would have been my last option not an option at all

[ddraigygoch]

But what rights do you believe you have to stop this?

Can you say what the jist of it is?

Where does she the actual patient stand on this? Does she consent to the treatment.

[BetterAlone]

@stophuggingme

Why do you feel the need to flame someone whose circumstances you know nothing about, apart from one fact?

You are outmoded. It is not only mothers who are able to look after children. Parental rights, relationships & responsibilities will never become more equal until mothers are seen as more than just childcarers.

OP, I feel for you too. I imagine that the answer will include both persistence on your part with institutions, and the legal side.

[dilmum]

@GADDay did you even read what I wrote? I already had an apartment to avoid the commute...it's rather more common than you might think. My kids didn't and don't want to live with me...it's not like I'm totally absent and not checking if they're ok on a very regular basis.

You've managed to twist what I said to turn me into a villain, presumably because it suits some sort of agenda you have...if you've got nothing to add to help with the original question I wonder why you're bothering to post anything at all. Haven't you got something better to do?

[GADDay]

@BetterAlone you have left out the bit that the children were left with a violent resident parent so that OP can avoid a commute.

[dilmum]

@ddraigygoch I actually agree with the decision, just not the behaviour of not consulting me first. I would think that I should be consulted and my opinion taken into account. Maybe that's not enshrined in law though but a question of relationship rebuilding.

[GADDay]

OP, no agenda, no twisting.

Just a factual summary of the situation. You are right I have many better things to do. I rarely comment on these threads because I acknowledge it's impossible to contextualise a situation.

I grew up in a home where my Dad beat my mum. Make no mistake he turned on me too. My mum did not leave and didn't keep me safe. I hope that it doesnt end up that way for you too.

I won't comment again on this thread.

[KTJean]

Why has your solicitor advised you not to discuss contact with him at the moment? I find that strange.

In Scotland you cannot get divorced until the arrangements for the children are agreed or there is a court order in place because the court cannot grant divorce if an order is required or likely to be required for the children.

A court order is completely different from your informal agreement. It is imposed by the court if one parent requests it, after a child welfare hearing or series of hearings or a full proof if it is a final hearing. You can also agree a minute of separation with your ex, which once signed is binding but this is not a court order. An informal agreement is just that - an informal agreement.

You have the same rights as dad to be consulted about medical decisions and for information from school until your child is 16. The school should send you reports etc as a matter of course. You need these things to exercise your parental responsibilities and that does not depend on your status as residential or non-residential parent.

Your starting point is mediation, I think, to try and agree a way forward.

[Friendsofmine]

I'm really sorry you experienced violence OP. Are you not worried about the psychological and emotional damage to your kids living with a psychologically damaged man? Surely they are better off with you?!

I don't think they'll forgive you for letting them stay close to their friends, when they become parents one day and realise how their violent father was left to raise them.

[hotlava]

Sorry that people lack perspective dilmum

Don't take people's ignorance to heart.

[stophuggingme]

@BetterAlone Don’t try to make me feel bad for “flaming” someone for doing this
I am happy to be flamed
I don’t get it
I never will

I would never ever leave my children even if their father was dad of the century. I physically, emotionally, whatever you want to term it could not. It would actually kill me. I could not go on and I wouldn’t want to.


Sorry if for some of you that’s crass and outmoded
I don’t care

[KTJean]

I said a court order is imposed if one parent requests it. This is not really accurate - I meant if one parent brings an action then it would be heard and the court make a decision. I was just trying to say it is different than a separation agreement which is different again from an informal agreement.

[Purpleartichoke]

You are going to need a good solicitor.

From a practical perspective, with a 2 hour distance, you are going to be hard-pressed to manage more visitation time than you already have. Would it be possible for you to travel to them for a dinner/homework/ whatever activities they have once or twice a week?

[stophuggingme]

@dilmum why don’t they want to live with you?
Your posts suggest you are largely absent even if not by choice

How can you agree with this situation if things such as you describe are happening ?
This is what I mean about spurious reasons benefitting adults

[ddraigygoch]

Right. In that case you'd be relying on your child allowing their information to be shared mainly I believe.

And even if they do. This child isn't consulting you of their own free will. So their wishes should be respected to a certain extent.

What visitation are you requesting?

[happycamper11]

You can complain about the school not keeping you on the loop. This is regardless of whether you are the non r mum or dad. Exp complained straight to the LA because he wasn't receiving emails... it was simply a wrong letter in his email address (that he'd written wrongly on the form) but the head teacher was pulled up about it. Be assertive with the school and go above if you get nowhere.

[happycamper11]

What do you actually feel you need consulted with and what decisions do you want involved with. Because that was something my ex banged on about too ( I'm resident mum but gender is irrelevant seeing pr is equal these days). I just didn't understand what decisions he wanted to make. In Scotland also so dc go to their catchment primary and will go to catchment secondary- no decisions to be made there. Medically I'll take them to the dr if they are unwell and follow the advice of the medical professional. No parental decisions to be shared there either. The only regular decisions I make are whether to choose the veggie or meat option for school lunch and seeing he doesn't know what they prefer then I don't feel the need to consult. I choose which clubs to send them to as I'm the one taking them there. It just seems an odd thing to insist.

[slipperywhensparticus]

I would say personally I dont consult the kids dad over medical decision making simply because he chose to leave it up to me and never be bothered about it years ago now he has his girlfriend he wants to change the dynamic and the children resisted I give him a report after if he is interested I also attempt to explain youngest special needs but he dismissed it saying he is just a bit lazy

Now I dont think my situation is in anyway comparable to yours but I will say as a non resident parent you will be perceived to be like people like him good luck with this and push your solicitor to get you better contact asap

[BercowsFlyingFlamingo]

Why haven't you chased more contact and official contact in the last 2 years? It's such a small amount of contact you have. I can't imagine an 8 year old girl not wanting her mum.

[CustomerCervixDepartment]

You keep going on about your ‘rights’ and how you want to ‘exercise’ them. Parents legally have no rights, they have responsibilities, it’s the child that has rights.

[JuanSheetIsPlenty]

I've not had access removed and there's no reason, other than I don't want to move them away from friends, that I couldn't take custody

Can’t you move to where they live?

[Marley040783]

I'm pretty gobsmacked by this, yes you had a traumatic past been married to a violent man who throws you down stairs but where was your children when this happened, men do not keep there violent abusive side hidden for the woman, I dread to think what mentally if not physical abuse is going on... I would have to have my legs removed before I walked out and left my baby with a violent man. But for someone who would rather save a 2hr commute then find another job closer to your children then I have no sympathy, you haven't prioritised their needs and safety over your own and maybe they don't want to see you coz there scared of there dad if they tell u anything. and clearly telling yourself that when they see there mum 26hrs a month it's fun.. no it won't be fun it will be killing them inside that u have not fighted tooth n nail for them so the smiles are probably to hide there pain of not having u around. I don't want to be hash but for god sake sod the commute find another job and go get your kids back..been on the birth certificate is PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY now show some.

[Whynosnowyet]

Unless you have been in such an abusive relationship as the op it's cheesey to say but really there is no way to grasp her choices.
I moved out. Planned 50 /50. Exh brain washed the dc and anyone who would listen that I had mh problems and almost convinced me my dc didn't want me. Took 4 years to get proper cao sorted. Took me a further few years to rebuild my relationship with dc.. At 12 and 14 they realised exh was an absolutely evil man and went nc with him...
Please don't judge the op is all I am saying..