Looking for other non-resident mums. How do I protect my parental rights?

[dilmum]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I'm looking for other non-resident mums who might have struggled with keeping their parental rights. There's loads of help for non-resident dads; however I don't know if that applies to mums because we have parental rights enshrined in law.

To cut a very long story short, I separated from my husband about 20 months ago. We decided at the time the kids (3 of them; now 16, 13 and 8) should stay with him so they weren't separated from their friends. Shortly after I left, I stopped being informed of problems they were having at school, medical issues and the such.

Now, almost two years later, my contact with them has been eroded to just 26 hours twice a month and I am no longer informed of some pretty serious and life changing decisions concerning the middle child's health until he's made them and there's nothing I can do about it.

What can I do? Things are hideously tense between us anyway and I don't want to make it worse, but I also feel like I've totally been cut out of their life other than to provide a babysitting service for him twice a month...that's not how I see the time with them, it's how he sees it.

Any other mums got a similar experience? Is my only recourse a legal one? And, what good will that do if I'd have to go to court every time he breaches the agreement?

I've not had access removed and there's no reason, other than I don't want to move them away from friends, that I couldn't take custody...so there's no reason he could have to erode my rights...other than he's still taking joy in controlling me and watching me break.

TIA
J

[strawberrylipgloss]

Your expectations are unrealistic in this case. Normally, 13yo are considered able to consent to medical treatment regardless of their parents' opinions so if your son consented to medical treatment then you can't take the issue to court and get it reversed.

I'm a RP with an ex who sees the kids a similar amount to you and he is not consulted on everything as it's impractical to do so. If he took me to court saying that he should be consulted on everything then I'd see it as an attempt to control me. If we had 50/50 then he'd be consulted on everything but he's not even entered our child's school building and she's been there 6 years. He has every right to get the school to send all communication to him and check the website so he knows what's going on but I would be furious if he started questioning my decisions. Luckily ex trusts my decisions and I will explain them to him if asked so it's not happened but if he thought I was being a dick then I'd be furious.

I also had a middle child with health problems a year ago. I suspect that ex has not logged his address with the GP so found out about hospital appointments from me. I took the time off to care for him and managed his return to school months later. If ex had questioned my decisions and talked about rights then I'd be furious. I'm not eroding his rights by making decisions without him. If he wanted equal say then quite frankly he needs to do 50% of the parenting but fortunately he can see that I am acting in the kids interests and as main parent gets main say. I don't want to have to parent him too and chase after his approval for everything when he hasn't proactively registered himself with school, doctor etc

Sorry about that rant about my ex - maybe you are registered with school and gp in which case pursue them

[Pinkyxx]

I've always believed children have rights first and foremost and parents only have responsibilities. I can only believe it was very hard for you given the circumstances you describe. No one can possibly know what it's like to walk in your shoes.

That said, whichever parent has ''day to day'' care has to, inevitably, take the lions share of responsibility and cannot realistically check on every little thing. That is not to say that the non-resident parent should not be consulted, they should but some decisions have to be made real time. It's difficult to tell what kind of decisions you mean from your post, but I think you mean ''big'' ones in which case I would ALWAYS consult my ex as I would expect him to part of that decision. I consult him on anything I'd expect a stake in, but not small stuff if that makes sense.

I don't know about Scotland but in the UK, far as I understand, the non resident parent must be consulted on things like education, school choice, medical decisions (not runny nose stuff etc). If your ex isn't willing to collaborate, and you feel strongly that his decisions are not in one or more child's best interest's then I think the legal route is probably you're only option. On the other hand, if you agree with the decisions but are looking for a say then my advice is steer carefully as you don't want to be perceived as rocking the boat when the children are happy & safe. I do believe you should be involved either way, but courts can be fickle.

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

NatashaAlianovaRomanova‘s advice is good advice.

I won’t judge you for leaving your kids “behind”, whoever thinks that is fair to drag teenagers away from their lives/friends when they are not in danger has not had teenagers. Teens (or most teens) have already half a life away from the house and are not very interested in spending all day(s) gravitating around a parent, you cannot just ”take them with you” especially if they don’t want to.

I’m not sure if Gillick Competence would apply in Scotland but if it does, and your older kids are thought to be competent enough to make decisions, you have not much legal right to be consulted about treatment. I would say the best way to deal with the issue is to ensure your kids feel comfortable with discussing these medical problems openly with you so you can let them know your views and try to influence their decisions (I can assure you that is as much as their dad can do as well).

Trying to impose a view on them via legal procedures is more likely to alienate your kids and make them over protective of their decisions. Keep the communication channels open, be there for your kids but unless they are taking medical decisions about life changing procedures, just asking them to keep you in the loop may be the best way forward even when we know how bad teens can be to keep you informed.

[stophuggingme]

@Soontobe60
I also left someone like that but I fought to make sure he didn’t take my children half the time and brainwash them
He doesn’t

My comments are not nasty or unnecessary.
I don’t understand a mother that can do this

But in answer @Tatty101 I don’t think much fo any parent - make or female - that can just walk away from their children and actually especially if they themselves are being abused. It makes no sense to me to abandon your children to the fate you are escaping from

Still as always it’s nice to see that mumsnet it full of raging hypocrites in that they are or tending not to be judgemental when of course they are. At least I was being honest. I am making a judgement

[NeverTwerkNaked]

I get why you left. I get that you had to. But realistically to be more involved you are going to have to move geographically closer.

You could get a court order to require him to give information, but if he breaches it what would you do.

The sad thing is he probably is a danger to your children. When I left ex I worried he might be abusive to them too. But everyone in the court system argued he wouldnt be. He really was. Eventually DS disclosed the abuse and it all came spilling out. He had been emotionally abusive with them whenever he had contact. DS cheery exterior during those years belied the suffering he was enduring.

I am so sorry for you but also for your children. I bet they love you and miss you they are just too scared of him to admit it.

[Tatty101]

@stophuggingme not everyone is you.

Do you judge Dads who live apart from their children just as harshly? I dont see the OP asking for your opinion on her life choices ...

OP - legal advice is probably the best anyone here can suggest. Id like to hope that some of the extreme responses here come from a place of concern for the safety of the children which is of course just as important as yours.

[Soontobe60]

@stophuggingme

Would you prefer she stay there until he beats her so much she's dead? Because we all know, a dead parent is an effective parent.
I had to leave my ex because he was systematically destroying my sanity. He threatened to take our DD and kill the pair of them if I stopped him seeing her, and admitted to doing so to the police. Sometimes women have absolutely no choice to make he tough decisions that the OP did.

Your comments are extremely nasty and unnecessary.

[Whynosnowyet]

Unless you have been in such an abusive relationship as the op it's cheesey to say but really there is no way to grasp her choices.
I moved out. Planned 50 /50. Exh brain washed the dc and anyone who would listen that I had mh problems and almost convinced me my dc didn't want me. Took 4 years to get proper cao sorted. Took me a further few years to rebuild my relationship with dc.. At 12 and 14 they realised exh was an absolutely evil man and went nc with him...
Please don't judge the op is all I am saying..

[Marley040783]

I'm pretty gobsmacked by this, yes you had a traumatic past been married to a violent man who throws you down stairs but where was your children when this happened, men do not keep there violent abusive side hidden for the woman, I dread to think what mentally if not physical abuse is going on... I would have to have my legs removed before I walked out and left my baby with a violent man. But for someone who would rather save a 2hr commute then find another job closer to your children then I have no sympathy, you haven't prioritised their needs and safety over your own and maybe they don't want to see you coz there scared of there dad if they tell u anything. and clearly telling yourself that when they see there mum 26hrs a month it's fun.. no it won't be fun it will be killing them inside that u have not fighted tooth n nail for them so the smiles are probably to hide there pain of not having u around. I don't want to be hash but for god sake sod the commute find another job and go get your kids back..been on the birth certificate is PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY now show some.

[JuanSheetIsPlenty]

I've not had access removed and there's no reason, other than I don't want to move them away from friends, that I couldn't take custody

Can’t you move to where they live?

[CustomerCervixDepartment]

You keep going on about your ‘rights’ and how you want to ‘exercise’ them. Parents legally have no rights, they have responsibilities, it’s the child that has rights.

[BercowsFlyingFlamingo]

Why haven't you chased more contact and official contact in the last 2 years? It's such a small amount of contact you have. I can't imagine an 8 year old girl not wanting her mum.

[slipperywhensparticus]

I would say personally I dont consult the kids dad over medical decision making simply because he chose to leave it up to me and never be bothered about it years ago now he has his girlfriend he wants to change the dynamic and the children resisted I give him a report after if he is interested I also attempt to explain youngest special needs but he dismissed it saying he is just a bit lazy

Now I dont think my situation is in anyway comparable to yours but I will say as a non resident parent you will be perceived to be like people like him good luck with this and push your solicitor to get you better contact asap

[happycamper11]

What do you actually feel you need consulted with and what decisions do you want involved with. Because that was something my ex banged on about too ( I'm resident mum but gender is irrelevant seeing pr is equal these days). I just didn't understand what decisions he wanted to make. In Scotland also so dc go to their catchment primary and will go to catchment secondary- no decisions to be made there. Medically I'll take them to the dr if they are unwell and follow the advice of the medical professional. No parental decisions to be shared there either. The only regular decisions I make are whether to choose the veggie or meat option for school lunch and seeing he doesn't know what they prefer then I don't feel the need to consult. I choose which clubs to send them to as I'm the one taking them there. It just seems an odd thing to insist.

[happycamper11]

You can complain about the school not keeping you on the loop. This is regardless of whether you are the non r mum or dad. Exp complained straight to the LA because he wasn't receiving emails... it was simply a wrong letter in his email address (that he'd written wrongly on the form) but the head teacher was pulled up about it. Be assertive with the school and go above if you get nowhere.

[ddraigygoch]

Right. In that case you'd be relying on your child allowing their information to be shared mainly I believe.

And even if they do. This child isn't consulting you of their own free will. So their wishes should be respected to a certain extent.

What visitation are you requesting?

[stophuggingme]

@dilmum why don’t they want to live with you?
Your posts suggest you are largely absent even if not by choice

How can you agree with this situation if things such as you describe are happening ?
This is what I mean about spurious reasons benefitting adults

[Purpleartichoke]

You are going to need a good solicitor.

From a practical perspective, with a 2 hour distance, you are going to be hard-pressed to manage more visitation time than you already have. Would it be possible for you to travel to them for a dinner/homework/ whatever activities they have once or twice a week?

[KTJean]

I said a court order is imposed if one parent requests it. This is not really accurate - I meant if one parent brings an action then it would be heard and the court make a decision. I was just trying to say it is different than a separation agreement which is different again from an informal agreement.

[stophuggingme]

@BetterAlone Don’t try to make me feel bad for “flaming” someone for doing this
I am happy to be flamed
I don’t get it
I never will

I would never ever leave my children even if their father was dad of the century. I physically, emotionally, whatever you want to term it could not. It would actually kill me. I could not go on and I wouldn’t want to.


Sorry if for some of you that’s crass and outmoded
I don’t care

[hotlava]

Sorry that people lack perspective dilmum

Don't take people's ignorance to heart.

[Friendsofmine]

I'm really sorry you experienced violence OP. Are you not worried about the psychological and emotional damage to your kids living with a psychologically damaged man? Surely they are better off with you?!

I don't think they'll forgive you for letting them stay close to their friends, when they become parents one day and realise how their violent father was left to raise them.

[KTJean]

Why has your solicitor advised you not to discuss contact with him at the moment? I find that strange.

In Scotland you cannot get divorced until the arrangements for the children are agreed or there is a court order in place because the court cannot grant divorce if an order is required or likely to be required for the children.

A court order is completely different from your informal agreement. It is imposed by the court if one parent requests it, after a child welfare hearing or series of hearings or a full proof if it is a final hearing. You can also agree a minute of separation with your ex, which once signed is binding but this is not a court order. An informal agreement is just that - an informal agreement.

You have the same rights as dad to be consulted about medical decisions and for information from school until your child is 16. The school should send you reports etc as a matter of course. You need these things to exercise your parental responsibilities and that does not depend on your status as residential or non-residential parent.

Your starting point is mediation, I think, to try and agree a way forward.

[GADDay]

OP, no agenda, no twisting.

Just a factual summary of the situation. You are right I have many better things to do. I rarely comment on these threads because I acknowledge it's impossible to contextualise a situation.

I grew up in a home where my Dad beat my mum. Make no mistake he turned on me too. My mum did not leave and didn't keep me safe. I hope that it doesnt end up that way for you too.

I won't comment again on this thread.

[dilmum]

@ddraigygoch I actually agree with the decision, just not the behaviour of not consulting me first. I would think that I should be consulted and my opinion taken into account. Maybe that's not enshrined in law though but a question of relationship rebuilding.