Help! Contact after absence

[Windmill1828]

Hi lovely's,

Some of you may remember me being in an awful place two summers ago.

Here's the link: Pregnant and he's thrown me out www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3339916-pregnant-and-he-s-thrown-me-out

It's been pretty crap ever since then really.
After your amazing help before I'm reaching out for a bit more if that's ok... ?

Because of your wonderful advice I started to look into the ex and why and how he could do these awful things to us.. and yes you were right, I truly believe I'm dealing with a classic covert narcissist 😫

After baby was born in feb 19 the ex had been in and out of our lives. Hoovering me back in with I love toys and so on,, and then spitting me and dd's out just as quick, then goes missing for months at a time. It has honestly taken me all this time to really believe that he has a serious personality disorder. All I wanted was my family all together and I was truly living in a warped reality and I couldn't see what he was doing. All I could see what the love bombing that he served up for a few years. Like how could I ever get anything as special as that again?

Anyway, I digress... he has never once helped with DD. Never made a bottle. Never changed a nappy, never offered or done a single feed or night feed. I was exhausted, I told him so but he offered no help. If easily put a figure of 15 hours in a year contact with her. Even though the opportunity and encouragement to do more has always been there.

Like I said he would hoover me in and then spit us out and I had to say no more. That's when all my reading/ knowledge I'd learned over that time kicked in and he knew I was different. And so he changed too.. he ramped up to a whole new level of arsey!
So after spitting his dummy out one last time he went missing between end of Oct and just before Xmas. Contacted me out the blue saying he wanted to take DD on Christmas Day as his family here over. Shocked but not entirely surprised I replied with "you and your mum are welcome to come here xmas morning to see DD but bearing in mind that you've never had her alone or cared for her and haven't seen her for months (again) I think it would be beneficial for Dd if you came here and started to build a relationship.
I thought I was offering a huge olive branch here., I mean xmas morning!!!
He replied with.. I can't do the morning but can do Boxing Day.
Then guess what? He cancelled because he had a cold! 😏

I then didn't hear from him for two weeks then he asked me if he could take DD on Sunday and that he knew it was my birthday but his mum was up. I replied that given I listed my concerns for dd and how he needs to see her initially in her home environment where she feels safe and settled I was concerned he wasn't listen to me regarding her welfare. I stated that it would be best if he could see her regularly - little and often in her home and build up a relationship with her in order for her to feel happy to be away from me - which is everything she's ever known. No reply.
I then offered the following weekend for him to come into my house and see dd for this process to begin - he agreed. He turned up looking like he'd been sleeping in his car ( not the person I used to know by any stretch) wearing a hat he didn't take off - odd in my opinion if you're trying to bond with a baby you've hardly ever seen. He never wears hats. It was just strange. And he never spoke to me the whole time he was there. He didn't ask questions about her.. didn't ask if she needed anything while he was there he even struggled to answer me when I asked him if he wanted a cup of tea. He then left. Arranged after via text for the following week. Same thing happened.. same hat.. same silence.. same everything.. no questions asked about DD. I even asked him to download a co-parenting app that might help us communicate better and there's a diary etc, he downloaded it but never used it.
Then nothing. Didn't hear from him. Found out he had put his house on the market. And I honestly thought I probably wouldn't see him again for who knows how long.
He didn't show for this weeks visit.
I didn't chace him. Then today I get a solicitors letter. Saying he wanted immediate contact away from my home because he found it too difficult to be there in my home and that it was affecting him building a natural bond with DD. 🤯 goes on to say he has rights and it's also DDs right to see her father. Then a schedule is laid out of when he wants her. Starting with every other Saturday for 3 hours around her afternoon nap and tea time. So 6 hours a month and more like 3 awake time if he can even get her to go to sleep,
Working up to the following few months of 5 hours every other Sunday. Assuming these dates and times are to fit in along side his other son who he only ever sees every other weekend and wants them both together for less life impact.
Then at month 5 - every other weekend.
Then it goes on to say that mediation is being arranged and I should get my own legal advice!
WHAT?! Strip everything away, I have no benefit from him sulking round my house and god only knows how much I need a break but it has to be done properly in a way that DD is ok with. She can't understand that it's only initially for a few hours. She can't understand that over nights in a few months will result in her going back to her home. She doesn't even know this man and he doesn't know anything about her.

My heart breaks for this little angel who won't know what the heck is going on. With no transition, nothing.

I must clarify that I have tried so desperately to get him involved up to this point. Even though I don't think he's a trustworthy character and he emotionally abuses me for a long time, lied, cheated and if you read my original thread, did the worst things to us I do believe she should have an opportunity to have a father. But I truly believe it has to be done slowly and properly.

Any advice would be wonderful,

Thank you so much if you've got to this point without falling asleep!

Xxx

So i'm just going to be honest and hopefully you don't take this badly at all.

I think he's in the right. At least to a certain point, he maybe could have discussed the issues with you before moving to legal action.

Although DD is young, she will adapt to the situation and consistency from the beginning will help that. Him offering to increase hours over time is to help her grow attached to him before pushing her in the deep end of overnights.

It's possible he was in a bad place from the breakup? or something else entirely and just being in your home was hard for him. Imagine being forced to be in an ex's home to spend time with your child, some people might be able to do that but others would struggle with it.

I'll be honest I didn't read the past thread so i'm commenting without any knowledge of that situation.

I think if right now you think she's safe with him then you have to let him have her away from your house. If you believe she's not safe then you'll go to court and they will most likely put a similar arrangement to his in place. Perhaps starting with contact centres if they believe he's not safe. The advantage is you'll have legal protection if he doesn't return DD etc and the framework of a court order means even if you two have a falling out you can continue with a schedule that doesn't require much communication to follow.

That's all just opinion and based on my own experiences, obviously it's hard to know exactly whats going on without being directly involved so you need to use your own judgement.

I would say that based on my experiences family court was a horrible process but me and my ex would never have gotten to the point we are at now (which isn't perfect but much better) without the court ordered contact as a baseline.

Hope that helps and I wish you good luck with everything.

I think it's understandable that he wants contact elsewhere without you supervising. I would counter that he should have supervised contact at a contact centre to start with. After x months when he's proved he can be consistent, then he'd get 3 hours unsupervised and work up to overnight.

The solicitor's letter is something he's paid for and not something that you have to abide to immediately,

Is he on the birth certificate?

He seems like a cunt for treating you both badly and then acting the victim

Do you really think he will stick to it this time

Get legal advice but state firmly you have no objection to contact you need it to be regular consistent and safe and that those times dont work for your daughter for x reasons and that x time/day is better

Thanks guys.

I absolutely want DD to have a relationship with her father and believe me I've tried to encourage that from the start.
I guess my main concerns are:

He doesn't know her or her routine and is unwilling to learn. If I offer up any info he always replies with "this isn't my first rodeo" 🙄

She doesn't know him and I can't imagine what that little one will be thinking.

He flits in and out of her life when it suits and spits her out at the drop of a hat without a seconds thought. Never asks how she is when he's not present.

A contact centre is a good middle ground. How would I go about setting that up at this stage?
I do plan on seeing a solicitor today if I can get an appointment.

X

I personally would keep a contact centre as a last resort but that's not what you're asking so i'll post what I know.

The contact centre's i've looked at required referrals but had forms for self referral and cost money for the referral and then for each appointment. Depending on the centre the hours can be strange, some are only open EOW on a saturday from say 10am-2pm, some are open 7 days a week 9-5.

I found that most up north were in inconvenient locations unless you were driving.

Use this link: naccc.org.uk/find-a-centre and look at the ones near you. Hopefully there's one in a good location with good hours.

I know you're stuck now he's brought the courts into it. But if he ever drops contact then never chase him or encourage him again. No dad is better than a crap dad.
Whatever happens I hope it settles down soon .

And he doesn't have rights. He has responsibilities, which he hasn't been able to keep so far.

Why would you absolutely want your DD to have a relationship with his dad???

So she can be kick to the kerbside every time she is looking forward to meet him but he found something better to do? So she is not fed until she is screaming with hunger? So she is left on soloed nappies all day long or is taken out in the wrong clothes in the bad weather?

The big question is, why on Earth would you put your kid through so much rejection and heartbreak just because this irresponsible uncaring man (and part of the world) think he has a “right to see his DD”

Sometimes you have to fight to protect your kid, not hand them to a nasty person who cannot be trusted. Let him take you to court, you need to protect your DD until little by little he learns what it takes to be a dad (if he does) and you can trust him with her.

And forget the solicitor letters, nobody cares about them at court. He has just paid a lot of money for a fancy letter to scare you off.

I bet the moment you start making it difficult, he fucks off (and sorry to be blunt, but if he has already show you how he is, why are you going back repeatedly to him??? He cannot ever provide you with the family life you are looking for and deserve)

How old is little one .

Yes get legal advice.

What does he do at your house. Does he care for her? Change her? Feed her?

The times you can counter offer as most babies nap afternoons what is the point nod that.

She's 11 months old. He's never cared for her even when he was "trying" to make things better a few months ago.

He's never made a bottle, changed her nappy, put her to sleep, fed her, put her in the buddy/ car seat.. nothing.

What concerns me is that I practise the ABC's of safe sleep.. he doesn't even know what that is. She is on special milk. What bottles she uses. Nappy size. He has no idea what age appropriate foods are. How to change a female nappy. What her routine is. Yet he just wants to whip her off her without asking a single question. Its beyond me that he can't work with me on this!

I would hope his lack of conversation during visits is due to the huge shame he should be feeling!

Get good legal advice and do whatever you can to make it as easy for dd as possible.