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Original poster

Why do people say "he's trying to avoid paying child support"?

95 replies

Kennyy · 03/01/2020 20:50

When a man wants 50-50 custody? He's going to pay for childcare anyway. Why should anyone pay child support then?

We don't say that to women just men.

OP posts:
ExohExohGossipgirl · 04/01/2020 16:11

@OnlyFoolsnMothers my kids have seen their dad once in the past few months - last Saturday I dropped them off at 11am and they were popped back at 8pm. It is not his situation either as the boys have siblings over there who they adore and their stepmum is LOVELY but it is him that is the issue. He really does not nor has not ever actually parented them so he gives me the money to do it on his behalf. I am not sure which is worse being honest.

PityParty4one · 04/01/2020 16:12

We should praise men who want 50-50.

Ha ha ha why the hell should we praise men that want 50% of the care of the children they had a 50% hand in creating?

Why do men need praising for what they should do?

"Oh look hun I put my dirty clothes in the laundry basket. Now tell me I am a good boy" 🤣🤣

GoddessOfTransformativeWrath · 04/01/2020 16:17

The problem is that the men who push for this do it to control their x.

If they stuck rigidly to a 50:50 agreement, sunday night to wednesday lunch time, then the mother would have the freedom to plan a life and a career.

If that's the type of arrangement that is working then brilliant.

But my experience is that men who aggressively push for 50:50 then refuse to take the children in a regular reliable way.

I know of at least one woman who has been left with no maintenance and an x who won't take the children in any meaningful helpful way that would allow her to work. She's struggling. He seems to want to bring her down even though her children will be passengers to that.

Original poster
Kennyy · 04/01/2020 16:23

Ok PityParty4one. We shouldn't "praise" them. I meant we shouldn't judge them at least.

OP posts:
FlashingFedora · 04/01/2020 16:27

Because 50/50 never really means

This . Very few father's have 50/50, 90% of resident parents are women. My friend recently split with her dh, he did nothing with the kids when they were together but wanted 50/50. Officially they spend an equal number of nights at both parents but she still has to do school pick up every day and give them their dinner before they go to their dads because you know, his job is more^ important than hers.

Northernsoullover · 04/01/2020 16:31

My friends ex wanted one child out of the 3 they had to claim the associated benefits. His plan was that she would actually still do all the school runs so he could work Hmm.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/01/2020 16:33

Even if a child sleeps at the dads 50% of the time I can guess who buys the clothes, sorts the schools the dentist the drs etc etc

madcatladyforever · 04/01/2020 16:36

My first husband tried to get full custody of my son because he was a lazy shit who never worked and liked the idea of being given money by me to look after his child.
he lost custody and fled abroad for 18 years to avoid having to pay anything.
Came back when my son was an adult and couldn't understand why my son rejected him outright. Never sent him a card or a birthday gift. Sends me whiny emails to say it must be my fault Confused Twat.

Sotiredofthislife · 04/01/2020 16:42

Tough luck for the parent who earns less. The other RP shouldn't have to subsidise them

Yes, sadly, it is tough luck. Yet when married, if a higher earning spouse demanded the lower earned paid half of all child related costs, there would be crimes of leave the bastard/bitch.

Somehow, 50/50 post divorce is deemed reasonable. It isn’t.

0hforfoxsake · 04/01/2020 16:49

Because there’s no real equality.
Because one partner (usually the woman as we’re the ones that go on mat leave) earns less.
Because it impacts on career path.
Because it impacts on pensions.
Because all too often it’s used as a ‘threat’ at some part of the proceedings.
Because it’s rarely 50:50. It isn’t just 50% of the time, it is rarely making 50% of the dentist appointments. It’s having to deal with, communicate, and be supportive of each other constantly. Divorced couples don’t generally work that well together.

NC4this123 · 04/01/2020 17:08

@HerRoyalNotness 10000% agree with you. My career went on hold to bring up the kids so my husband had free reign to pursue his! He is now fully qualified in his trade and will earn well where as I’ve been out of work for years ( his job means we can’t fit work in around each other as he goes on call ) he says himself we are a team and he could t have done it without my support, so yes you are right .... if you split why on earth should he live the life of luxury while your on benefits or low income.. it’s also not fair on the kids... my ex ( first child’s dad ) is self employed... claims min wage though so pays minimum maintenance ( as it’s money for me as he sees it ) whilst my daughter wears £60+ shoes at his she can’t bring home, holidays every year, 100000s of activities. If parents genuinely put the kids first they’d at least try and maintain their lifestyle best they can after the split surely

Original poster
Kennyy · 04/01/2020 17:17

Just because some men don't buy their kids any clothes or make dentist appointments doesn't mean every man is like that.

When a man asks for 50/50 we should assume he's doing it because wants to be a real parent not just a visitor.

OP posts:
NC4this123 · 04/01/2020 17:22

I think 50:50 should only EVER be considered if the childcare was 50:50 while married..... the best thing for children is to keep things consistent. I’ve seen it a lot where dads don’t do much at all whilst married then all of a sudden wants 50:50 once divorced. It shouldn’t be an automatic right! That goes for either sex parent

Sleeved111 · 04/01/2020 17:25

When a man asks for 50/50 we should assume he's doing it because wants to be a real parent not just a visitor

Why should anyone assume that when the likelyhood is that the man did much less than 50% of the caring when in the relationship?

Posts from men complaining about custody always focus on the money, finding some way to pay as little as possible. Never about the best interests of the children, just about money.

Lunafortheloveogod · 04/01/2020 17:40

50/50 is rarely 50/50.. and for the family’s who make it work that’s great, but it’s way too common to see it either used as a form of control, I want 50/50 but i won’t tell you when or stick to reasonable schedules to let you work or even plan ahead.

Or not actually 50/50, using childminder paid for by RP but unwilling to help with the bill, not buying essential clothes (possibly happy to Disney it up and buy nice branded gear they don’t need), only doing fun stuff.. so don’t you dare book that dentist appointment for my day, not taking kids when they or nrp’s sick and the list goes on for weeks.

Unfortunately it’s more likely to be a foot stomping tantrum than a man who wants to be a proper parent. Especially if you’ve had to post about it on a forum for advice.. the ones who are doing it for the right reasons won’t cause a fuss in the first place

Original poster
Kennyy · 04/01/2020 18:03

" Posts from men complaining about custody always focus on the money, finding some way to pay as little as possible. " - Sleeved111

I just said earlier that I want to pay for childcare. The reason I started this discussion because WOMEN will say "you want to avoid paying maintenance". Women are the ones who focus on money.

OP posts:
Nonnymum · 04/01/2020 18:06

Maybe because he is?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/01/2020 18:19

you have to ask then why more men haven’t taken the shared paternity leave option. The MAJORITY of men seem to want the woman to put their careers on the back burner to raise the kids, they have no problem backing out of childcare whilst married, suddenly they may have to sacrifice some of their higher earning salary and suddenly the woman is a gold digger - talk about wanting to have your cake and eat it.

Pinkette06 · 04/01/2020 18:34

My Dh has 50/50 because he could not stand the thought of not seeing dc just at weekends or every other, he was distraught at the thought of it (regualry threatened to stop him seeing them) . He also pays maintenence although financially we are struggling. All CM goes to their dm, and the maintenence, which is fine but we look after them 50% or more and have no help for the half of the week here. We also buy all their new clothes, uniforms, pay for the school trips and he takes them to doctors (this was mentioned above that the mothers would be doing all this). A friend of ours is devestated right now as he has his dc half the week and his ex has said she wants him to have them less so she can get more money from him. Dad's are judged awfully, and yes many are, but there are many mums that are unfair too.

Pinkette06 · 04/01/2020 18:35

I mean he was devestated at thought of only seeing them at weekends or every other!

Original poster
Kennyy · 04/01/2020 18:51

" (regualry threatened to stop him seeing them) "

You mean he regularly threatened to stop seeing them?

OP posts:
Pinkette06 · 04/01/2020 18:56

@Kennyy no he was regulary threatened by her that she would stop him seeing them. He would never do that. He has always paid, always had them half the time or more.

ohwheniknow · 04/01/2020 19:06

Oh goody, a NAMALT thread.

Women are the ones who focus on money.

All women? Bit hypocritical of you, no?

BooFuckingHoo2 · 04/01/2020 19:07

Does anyone honestly think 50/50 benefits young children? Surely it’s better for them to have a “permanent” home rather than being pushed from pillar to post?

NooNooMummy · 04/01/2020 19:13

Women focus on the money?!!

I don't think so!! Just read the other messages on this board.

@Kennyy you always seem to be flogging this dead horse. Why?