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Original poster

Ex controlling my finances

30 replies

SomeoneElse83 · 21/12/2019 10:37

I have two children with my ex, he moved out over a year ago and has since been controlling most parts of my life. He won't give me any money for the children but instead he will pay for a food shop every now and then or pay for car repairs, bills etc. His reason for this is so that I don't ever have spare money which will enable me to go out and potentially meet someone new.

I am reluctant to set up child maintenance as he doesn't understand the consequences if he doesn't pay it. He's already said that if I set it up he will remove his money from his account so that it doesn't go directly to me.

His English isn't great, he doesn't read any English and is from a country that doesn't have this kind of system in place. He doesn't have a permanent visa at this time and if he refuses to pay maintenance it will affect his visa. He won't talk to any officials or mediator (he won't even make his own doctors appointments or manage his work holidays because he's so shy/or just refuses to do things for himself to try and keep me in his life. He doesn't have any family here or friends that speak English so I can't ask them to talk to him for me.

I'm at a loss of what to do, but I really need to be able to budget the little money I have. And of course be able to have some time out from the kids.

He lives in a share house where he isn't allowed visitors so at the moment the kids are with me 24/7.

This isn't a post just to have a rant, I need some sensible advice so I can work out what to do. Thank you.

OP posts:
carly2803 · 21/12/2019 11:49

i was about to say claim - CSA isit?
But isthat possible with his current status?

He sounds like an absolute tosser

if i wasin your shoes, i would block him from your life. yes you wont get any money but your letting him run your life, and ruin it

Quartz2208 · 21/12/2019 11:50

Get proper advice please

yorkshiregodscountry · 21/12/2019 11:55

So you aren't getting any money regularly and you have the kids most of the time so why can't you open a claim with CSA? You won't be any worse off doing it.

Original poster
SomeoneElse83 · 21/12/2019 12:09

The only thing stopping me claiming child maintenance is that he doesn't understand the implications of it and isn't willing to listen to me or anyone else regarding it. He won't get his own advice and he won't take mine. I think it's unfair to make it a legal binding situation if he isn't knowledgeable on what it means.

OP posts:
Original poster
SomeoneElse83 · 21/12/2019 12:11

His visa status will allow for it but if he doesn't pay it it will affect his right to stay in this country. And that's not what I want. He doesn't want to leave either but for some reason thinks that setting it up will affect his visa negatively. That's what he's claiming he believes anyway, could be all part of his plan to control the way he pays me.

OP posts:
HugoSpritz · 21/12/2019 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mynameisrow · 21/12/2019 12:17

Can’t you go through the CSA and have it taken directly from his wages? Then he can’t get into trouble for not paying as it will always come out of there? And he can’t do anything to control that, except maybe quit his job.

This is what my mum did with my dad because he use to try and control the money he gave her and would make her beg for it, and she would beg because otherwise all we were eating was pasta, rice and beans.

EL8888 · 21/12/2019 12:19

Cynically l think he deliberately won’t understand, rather than is unable to. I’m guessing you starting off a claim may well improve his understanding. He has no real reason for not paying apart from controlling you

Original poster
SomeoneElse83 · 21/12/2019 12:20

Can I choose to have it taken directly from his wages or is that something he has to state? I can't see that he's going to sign anything. He won't be able to read any correspondence from them anyway, and I've told him not to come to me with it because it's his responsibility.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 21/12/2019 12:22

Tell them to send it in his language if he refuses to pay they will dock his wages

Fairylea · 21/12/2019 12:24

You sound like you feel sorry for him that he won’t understand csa. Don’t feel sorry for him. He isn’t feeling sorry for you! He’s an arse!

Costacoffeeplease · 21/12/2019 12:28

I think he’s manipulating you with all this ‘don’t understand’ stuff. If he won’t listen to an explanation then it’s tough shit

Lonecatwithkitten · 21/12/2019 16:12

I mean this in the nicest way:
You are not responsible for him any more,do not book appointments/holiday.
Contact the CMS let them deal with him.
Break free of him and make a good life for yourself and your children.

blackhorses · 21/12/2019 17:02

Do you know his income roughly? Do you speak enough of his language to write him an email / letter?
If so I would go on the cams calculator on the website and work out how much he had to pay. Then send him an email explaining that from 1st jan he needs to pay x amount with a link to the website (it's simple enough that he can check your calculations with google translate). Tell him it's the law and explain the consequences.
If it doesn't arrive send a second email explaining the consequences of not engaging again (doesn't matter if he agrees / believes - you've done your part in explaining) and then go through cms.
If he comes to you with the cms letter translate it honestly and fairly and help him fill in any paperwork if he wants. Do this each time he brings you something and each time reiterated that it's the law that he pays this.
That way you're being assertive without being unkind or unhelpful - his choice to believe you or not.
Any help?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/12/2019 17:04

Would you care if he left the country? Little to
No financial or physically support anyway

Clangus00 · 21/12/2019 17:09

Tough luck if he doesn’t pay!
That’s his choice.
CSA can send him the details & implications in his own language.

shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 21/12/2019 18:00

Agree that csa will absolutely write to him in his own language. You are simply facilitating his control OP.

You need to get tough for your kids and put this in the hands of CSA. Stop feeling sorry for him because that is giving him power over your actions. Make the call and talk to them and find out the options. People here will try to help but you need to know your options and the only people that can do that are the CSA themselves.

carly2803 · 21/12/2019 18:47

why are you pitying him OP? are you still sleeping with him?

let the cSA work, if he goes out the country anyhow its not a huge loss isit?

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 21/12/2019 18:51

He won't talk to any officials or mediator (he won't even make his own doctors appointments or manage his work holidays because he's so shy

Bollocks! He’s an abusive, controlling wanker and you need to start putting you and your children first. Rest assured he’ll soon cotton on that his visa is at risk when you put things in motion.

ArnoldBee · 21/12/2019 18:53

Why would paying maintenance effect his Visa? I think that's a red herring. If his children are British that would be considered for him remaining in the uk. His issues are not your responsibility. He is living in the UK and needs to get his own advice about dealing with things.

averythinline · 21/12/2019 18:55

he doesnt have to sign anything - he;s is just carrying on teh abuse.. have you checked out what you are entitled too?

Napmum · 21/12/2019 20:38

As others have said you are enabling this behaviour by trying to do what's best for him. I would call CSA and ask them to try to communicate to him.in his own language. It's his responsibility and it's likely he will look into the consequences once CSA get in touch but if he doesn't that's not on you.

If he does end up having to leave the country obviously it will effect you and your children but would it really be worse than continuing to be financially abused by your ex?

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 21/12/2019 20:44

He doesn't have a permanent visa at this time and if he refuses to pay maintenance it will affect his visa.

Sounds good. Get rid of the fucker from your life.

Elieza · 21/12/2019 20:58

I’m presuming if he leaves the U.K. and goes home you won’t be able to get any money from him at all?

So if the csa give him a hard time he could get kicked out and that will be that as far as money goes?

He should bloody well pay but if he won’t perhaps he could buy you Asda gift cards for you to get your shopping and childrens clothing on? Would that be any better? Work out how much he should pay using the csa calculator if you know his earnings and get that amount from him in Asda cards per week or fortnight? It wouldn’t be my first choice but it’s a means to an end if he could leave the U.K. and leave you with no money at all.

CalleighDoodle · 21/12/2019 21:01

He is financially abusive and manipulative. Controlling his child. Not providing for his child. Go through cms.

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