Boyfriend thinks I'm destroying our relationship

[banksy3245]

My boyfriend or May soon to be ex, has it in his head that I'm destroying our relationship because I want to keep our baby. I'm 15 weeks pregnant, he doesn't want the baby at all.

Apparently I'm the cause of him not being able to sleep, I'm messing with his mental state when he's not ready to be a father. He's trying to manipulate me and push the blame on me when none of it is my fault. He had been there at our first scan, and to all our counselling sessions but now all of a sudden he's saying all of this. I think his friends have got into his head!

He's saying I don't care about our future together, he asked me a really hurtful question:

'Would I still put his name on the birth certificate' - he wants out, he doesn't want me or this baby and I can't force him to stay. It's just so sad, he's not the man I fell in love with. I've noticed some very toxic traits in him which I hadn't noticed before.

I don't know what to do!

Sorry your going through this but without sounding harsh you need to get rid pregnancy is hard enough without dealing with the added stress of how your partner is behaving get rid and concentrate on your pregnancy when I found out I was pregnant my now ex offered me 5 grand to terminate safe to say I haven't seen or spoke to him since I'm now 21 weeks it's not been easy I have good and bad days but me and my unborn child deserve better and so do you.

Dump. He's showing you who he is here

I know but at the end of the day, he is still the baby's father and i want to work it out with him (if I can) for the sake of the baby.
I can't force him to stay I know that, but don't really want him to miss out just because he's too scared of what his parents are gonna say, or he has to focus on uni etc. He just needs to act like a man and get it into his thick skull that I'm just as scared as he is. But I can't do it alone!

As much as you don't want him to miss out you also can't force someone to be a father by ending things your not stopping him been involved but by the sounds of it he dosent want to be and it will only end in resentment and arguments on both parts

You have to pick want you want. A close friend of mine had an abortion because her now husband did not want the baby, she knew if she kept the baby the relationship would be over, so she picked him. (Not that he set an ultimatum, it's just what she knew) It was too early in the relationship. He is a good man, they got married eventually and went on to have 2 kids. Not wanting a baby doesn't make somebody a bad person, that said 15 weeks is getting a bit late now, you need to decide if you can do this alone.

If your BF wasn't ready to be a father, he shouldn't have had unprotected sex.

At the moment, the most important thing is your health, physical and mental. If you want to carry on with the pregnancy, it looks as it will be without him, at least initially.
You need to make things absolutely clear to him - you have decided to keep the baby. If he wants to be involved - great. If not, well he still has a financial responsibility. You can only register the father on the birth certificate if you're not married, with the father is present. And even if he did accompany you, I would be very tempted to give the baby your surname as you will be the main carer.
Also worth considering that if you terminate because of his wishes it's highly likely you will come to resent him, so the relationship is pretty much doomed in either case.

What RL support do you have Banksy ? Get that in place, rather than trying to persuade him now. He may come around, he may not, either way it's something he has to sort out for himself.

Get rid of him. He's trying to bully you into a second trimester abortion you don't want? Fuck that! Trying to coerce someone into having an abortion they don't want makes them a very bad person.

You can't force him to participate in the child's life, however, other than paying maintenance.

Consider yourself a lone parent.

He comes from a very poor family, we've only been together for 5 months. The more I think about it, I don't want my baby to be another statistic. I don't want to be a single mum either, I honestly don't think I can do it alone.

His mum is sick (she can't work) and it's just his dad who's working at the moment (but he's a cleaner). So we wouldn't have any financial support from his side of the family. He only has his mum and dad as family, all his other family are in Ghana and they are poor as well.

I'm not making excuses for him, but I've thought about it a bit more and how would we raise our baby as young parents with no support from his parents? Plus balance uni at the same time. I just don't know.

I know it's difficult when someone is acting like this and you just want to make them see sense and be there to support you just like they should be doing, but you really have got to forget him for a moment and think what you want.

Do you want this baby if you're raising it alone? Try to make sure you're making the decision purely based on your feelings, not because you're worried people will judge you for being a single young parent etc. I truly don't believe anyone should be forced to have an abortion they don't want due to reasons such as money, their partner leaving, other people's opinions etc.

If you decide you don't want to continue with the pregnancy please make sure it's not only to please him. After everything you've been through it sounds like it may be the end of the relationship anyway, so again terminating should be a decision you want and not to save the relationship. You don't want to feel regret and heartbreak further down the line if the relationship does end and that was the only reason you made that choice.

As others have said he may come round and if he does that's great, sadly as you know though there's so many absent parents out there so it's not something you can bank on though.

Are you both at uni? Talk to the uni about what support they may be able to offer.

Do you have support from your own family?

He's saying you have to choose between him and the baby. There's absolutely no guarantee your relationship will last even if you have an abortion to try to keep him. The only thing you can do is make a decision about the baby assuming he probably won't be around for you forever. If you were married you could put him on the birth certificate. If not, you can't put him on unless he attends with you to register the birth. If you register the birth alone, he can add his name to the birth certificate later following due process. I have no idea why he'd be focused on the birth certificate at a time when he's questioning both the baby/abortion and the relationship. He sounds like a complete head fuck and very emotionally manipulative.

Five months in with such a huge thing to deal with, you're extremely unlikely to end up together long term.

If you are sure about continuing the pregnancy then I would suggest the best thing for you and your baby is to end the relationship, forcing someone's hand in this way will inevitably lead to resentment, tension, mistrust and a toxic environment. If you're keeping this baby then you need to focus on being healthy and not adding extra stress to pregnancy.

This is priority and the long term outcome of your relationship is secondary.

If you decide to continue the pregnancy then you need to make your peace with the fact that he doesn't want to and then decide how involved you would ideally like him to be as father but not partner.

And then you can do what you can to facilitate that (birth certificate / access etc) but you can't force someone into being a good parent. It's awful and sad but it's real life.

You deserve better than dragging someone through your pregnancy unwillingly and it will make the experience so difficult.

Good luck OP sorry you're having to deal with this

He maybe your baby's father but you can't force him to be a parent. It is possible to be a single mother and a university student if you budget carefully and manage your time well. Its hard but doable.
I would stop thinking of him and his wants and just focus on yourself , your health and what you want for you and the baby. You say he's toxic and that's not good for you or the baby.
Do not feel guilty about this, he is responsible for his own fertility.
Wether of not he is on the BC he is still liable to support his child financially, nothing whilst a student but cm will start as soon as he begins earning a salary.
Good luck.

Are you very young?
You can't make him step up and be a good dad and partner.
Prepare to raise the baby alone.

I had to choose between a baby and a man once. I chose the man, he cheated on me and left me less than a year later.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work for putting all that shit on you. Don't make it a choice between him and the baby, make it a choice between being a single mother or being a single person with no children!

Once you decide, you'll make your decision work regardless of outside support if it's what you really want.

Take it from someone who desperately wanted to keep her family together.... Long story short his been completely absent the last 4 years.

In hindsight I should never have wanted to work it out for the sake of my baby as he was already showing me how toxic he was. But like you I kept telling myself but he is the baby's father. He was very similar to your babies dad and left me when I announced my pregnancy. I foolishly let him back after a few weeks and if I am being honest, the reality was I was still on my own as he did f* all and I mean absolutely nothing but find immense pleasure in my struggles. He ruined my pregnancy. Oh how I wish I could have done things differently.
If I could do back I would never have let him back into our lives and would never have put his name on the BC as the shit I got off him a few months back about going on holiday was horrendous and forced me into getting legal advice which should never have to happen given his been absent nearly all my sons life.
People like him don't change. Please be wise. He has shown you what you need to see. You need to switch off this ideal world you want for your child. Be sensible and do what's best for you and your child

Thank you all for the advice!

I'm still young, I'm 20 and still haven't told my parents. I did suggest to him that it would be a good idea to tell our patents (he's 22). So they can help us get to a much firmer decision. But it's getting later and later! I've suggested a break to him, to figure out whether I still want to be with him or just break up with him. This whole situation has just created too many arguments and it's stressing me out, there's too many things to think about. I've still got 3 assignments to do, plus my dissertation and then this to think about on top of it all.

I know I can't force it, and the reasons wouldn't be for him. It's for myself as well! I've always wanted my kids to have both parents around, in a stable environment.

I've also been to my uni SU, and I have to fill in some forms and do a risk assessment. They also mentioned I'd have to talk to the law department about plans that could be put in place around the pregnancy if I do decide to keep the baby.

So there is support there from the uni!

Forget him, the relationship is over.

You will be a single mum.

In due course pursue maintenance. Attention spent on your ex is wasted. focus on your situation and decisions for yourself and DC.

If it helps I went through something similar. I was 18, just starting uni when I found out I was pregnant. I'd only been with my bf about 6 months or so.
He was ok with me keeping the baby so I had our son. 3 months after he was born i got pregnant again (I was on birth control but it failed) and I had our daughter.
I'm not going to lie, it was really tough getting through uni being pregnant/with babies. I look back now and dont know how I did it. I quickly realised how toxic my boyfriend was whilst I was pregnant with my 2nd child and left him. He was really abusive emotionally and financially. So I started my journey as a single mum. It's been one of the most difficult and exhausting things I've ever done but I wouldn't change my children for the world. They're both at senior school now. We muddle our way through life. It's not perfect or the life I ever dreamt of, I would love to have been further on in life with a good job and a house but I have just had to do things in a different order.
I think you need to forget about the guy and do what is best for you.
There is no guarantee he will stick around whichever decision you make. If you do decide to terminate the pregnancy make sure you have support from someone you can rely on other than him. Be kind to yourself.x

If you have the baby you will be a single mum. He is incapable of stepping up, from what you've said.

If you have an abortion I am pretty sure that he will be incapable of stepping up to support you emotionally. He will be incapable of the empathy and understanding that you'll need.

I think the relationship with him is over.

I think you need to make a decision about the baby and then get the support you need to go through the choice you make

I think as others have said the relationship with him is over. My sons dad used to say everything possible to paint this magical life if I terminated my pregnancy. He never stopped pressuring me but I knew deep down even if I did as he asked the we wouldn't last anyway. It was over, yet i was so desperate to keep my family together I couldn't let go until I had been through a few years of emotional, physical, mental, financial, verbal abuse....he showed little signs all before I fell pregnant but he mega stepped it up once I decided I was going through with it. And that's the sad thing. I let him absolutely destroy me just because he was the father of my child.

I never thought I'd be a single mom. Its the hardest most exhausting thing I've ever done. I sometimes feel trapped that I'm stuck in a low paid job but then I see the relationship I have with my son and that's where the magic lies. We don't have a lot, but what we have is nice. We have a warm cosy home that I keep going on my own and it is ours. He is so happy and thriving at school with a lovely group of friends. I had this life planned out and that isn't what I'm living but every day I tell myself how luck I am to have the life we have.

Good luck x

I was in a similar situation but older (I was 29) and I was clear that I was able to be a single parent and preferred that to terminating. My DS in now 10 months old and has never met his dad who turned very nasty when I refused to terminate the pregnancy. My son though is a delightfully happy baby and I don’t regret my decision at all. That being said I had the support of my parents and siblings and the financial means to buy my own house and everything my son needs. I don’t think finances are the only factor because just wanting the baby is enough, but being financially secure definitely helped me.
You’re doing the right thing in approaching the uni etc. Find out all of the financial/emotional support you will be able to access if you keep your baby (as a student you can receive money towards childcare for instance) and then make an informed decision about whether that is enough for you. Don’t count on anything from your boyfriend and decide if you’re happy enough without it. I think that’s the only logical way to decide what you want.