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Original poster

Ex booked a holiday for our child without asking me

60 replies

amdinc · 14/12/2019 09:08

My ex and I share our daughter 50:50 and there is an interim court order in place (4,3,3,4) until our next hearing in March. I am trying to get an order in place where I am the resident parent and she sees him regularly, to make things more settled for her because she’s suffered bad anxiety due to spending so much time away from me. She’s 5.

He is basically a narcissist and sees anything less than exactly 50:50 as a loss for him and a win for me. It’s such a joke, he isn’t even there for a lot of the time when she’s meant to be with him he just doesn’t want to have to pay me a penny in maintenance. Our daughter is not a priority for him, she is an accessory, and he just has to win everything, every time.

Anyway, he has recently announced he has booked a holiday right across my time with our daughter during Feb half term. He’s trying to say he rang me months ago and that I agreed to this but he absolutely did not - he lies constantly and is very manipulative and he has done this before ie booking something without asking me then basically just telling me it’s going to happen so, if I say no, I look like I’m the one being unreasonable.

Am I able to say no to this? The court order doesn’t mention this holiday he’s booked because he did not tell the court about it before the order was made. So it just states the 4,3,3,4 continues in the school holidays.

It’s not that I want my daughter to miss out on a holiday, but the way he has done it is just so wrong. He constantly bullies and undermines me and I am so so sick of it. He expects just to tell me what’s going to happen and I comply without question.

I’m afraid that saying no will make me look unreasonable in court in March but I had plans for half term which I won’t be able to do if she goes on holiday with him because all the days we each have her will be different. But then I’m almost hoping he breaks the order anyway so he’ll get himself into trouble!!

Anyone have any advice? Thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
amdinc · 14/12/2019 12:55

Soontobe60 It sounds like you got things right with your split and your daughter was fine as a result so well done. I wish that were the same with mine. I am not trying to stop her dad being her dad - I agree that is wrong. I am trying to get a schedule that suits my daughter but unfortunately her dad is inflexible and utterly selfish and walks all over me at every opportunity.

OP posts:
Original poster
amdinc · 14/12/2019 13:02

BreatheAndFocus Thank you. Exactly. He behaves like this constantly, over everything. It’s almost impossible trying to co-parent constructively with someone like this.

OP posts:
LesLavandes · 14/12/2019 13:04

Go and speak to your solicitor. This is very important. Forget Mumsnet on this.

AnotherEmma · 14/12/2019 13:13

Have you spoken to women's aid? He sounds abusive.

Either way i suggest you call the Rights of Women family law helpline.

And see rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Children-and-the-law-holidays-and-relocation-DIGITAL.pdf

rosegoldivy · 14/12/2019 13:14

I'm sorry but I think YABU.

I think your daughter is very lucky that her dad wants to spend time with her 50:50 and wants to take her on holiday.

From what you've said it sounds like you have a very negative attitude towards him, which of course depending on your history may be fully deserved, but is it possible you are projecting this sort of feeling onto your daughter causing her to be upset?

Also if this is a relatively new arrangement she is bound to be upset and unsettled for a while as she is only 5. As a PP stated, she may also be upset with him. It may take a while but she will become used to it if you let her.

A lot of children from sperated families would love to spend their time 50:50 so I don't understand why you would be actively trying to change that rather than positively enforce it and allow her that time with her dad.

JacquesHammer · 14/12/2019 13:28

I think your daughter is very lucky that her dad wants to spend time with her 50:50 and wants to take her on holiday

Christ the bar is low isn’t it?

The OP’s daughter isn’t “lucky” that her dad wants to spend time with her, that’s the sheer bare minimum a decent father should do whatever the contact schedule (and I don’t believe a schedule needs to be 50/50 for the father to be a decent parent).

BreatheAndFocus · 14/12/2019 13:44

BreatheAndFocus Thank you. Exactly. He behaves like this constantly, over everything. It’s almost impossible trying to co-parent constructively with someone like this.

I sympathise so much. It’s exhausting and frustrating. I found trying to be kind actually made him worse. Any normal person would take it as a ‘peace offering’, as something nice. He didn’t - and he rewrote history so all the nice things I did to try to smooth things over became me ‘being horrible to him’. They’re always the victim no matter the facts.

My advice is to not give in. It won’t help you and it won’t make him more of a team member in the co-parenting of your DC. It will make him worse. Narcissists are bullies.

I found once I stood my ground a little, it helped. My ex is still a tw*t but he has reduced some of the nasty things he’s done. It’s not a complete solution but it is a tiny step forward.

Keep everything in writing. Keep to the point - don’t respond to anything he writes to distract you. Keep your wits about you. Keep alert. Unfortunately, you can’t take your eye off the ball or relax too much with people like this because they’re always playing the game, always trying to get ahead of you.

He’ll act like he’s being perfectly reasonable and it’s you who’s not. Don’t let him get away with that. Keep unemotional, keep polite, keep firm.

rosegoldivy · 14/12/2019 13:47

@jaqueshammer wasn't probably the best wording, but I just know a lot of single mothers who have kids and the fathers have very little or no interest in their kids and would bolk at the thought of 50:50 and only ever want to see kids Every other weekend.

ohwheniknow · 14/12/2019 13:55

Is he interested in the child, though? Or is he interested in using the child to control and hurt the mother?

AnotherEmma · 14/12/2019 13:56

^This

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 14/12/2019 14:04

I think you need speak to your solicitor. They are the person best placed to advise you on how to handle this (and future) holidays. I do sympathise though, I find dealing with my ex such a strain as well. Flowers

Original poster
amdinc · 14/12/2019 14:15

BreatheAndFocus Yes being kind makes them worse because they see it as a weakness and a green light to behave even more badly towards you and being firm makes them worse because they see it as you attacking them so they attack back even more! He has rewritten history so much that I’ve lost track of all the lies and manipulation. The biggest joke is that the last holiday I went on, I checked the dates with him first and he agreed, I booked it, then he forgot and left our daughter with his mum for a week, because he was in London, then went round telling as many people as possible that I had gone on holiday without telling anyone and dumped her with his mum! Sometimes I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone. Thanks for your advice Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
amdinc · 14/12/2019 14:18

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer Thank you

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maybelle4 · 14/12/2019 14:18

I’m shocked at the amount of people saying the mother is being unreasonable. We do not know her full story and what has gone on between her and ex and we also do not know if ex is simply using the child as a pawn and to control the mother which is the impression I get. He should not be allowed to unilaterally book a holiday. That being said the court like children to be able to holiday with each parent. As much as it is horrible I would allow the holiday in the case as your daughter may have a lovely time but make it extremely clear that you will be getting the same amount of time in return and that if he ever pulls a stunt like this again no leeway will be given. Everything must be discussed and agreed upon by both of you. Sorry op, I’m sure it’s a horrible situation to be in

carly2803 · 14/12/2019 14:57

you are not being unreasonable OP.

speak to a solicitor - why should you cancel your plans ?

if he had booked"easily cancelable" things - should he?!! no because your stuff dosent stretch into your daughters time with him.

He sounds like an absolute knobhead.

Branleuse · 14/12/2019 15:05

Id really not make a fuss over this, but warn him he better not be a pain when you want to take her away

Span1elsRock · 14/12/2019 15:09

I would take legal advice here, OP.

Yes it's just one holiday but if you agree to this, it's giving him the green light to trample over all of your plans at a moments notice. You BOTH have to respect the agreement, and he's not. Holidays with either of you should be agreed with the other parent.

Quartz2208 · 14/12/2019 15:09

The last thing op should do is give in because that means the order is not followed and she let it

Greggers2017 · 14/12/2019 15:17

To be honest not letting him take her on holiday is spiteful. You are using her as a weapon as much as he is. You are most probably projecting your negative views into your daughter which is why she is saying she doesn't want to go.
It isn't about what you think about him or your relationship with him now. It is all about your daughter and you need to realise that. Going backwards and forwards to court will hurt one person only and that is her.
I'd never dream of making my elder two children's dad ask me if he could take them away. He just tells me plenty of time in advance and me with him.
I don't for one minute believe you had plans because half term is so far away so unless it was a holiday too you are making it up just to be awkwardly

Quartz2208 · 14/12/2019 17:24

It isnt spiteful it is setting down clear boundaries - once she lets this one go he will use it in the March hearing to further he own need. In that schedule he could have done it without impacting on her or asked politely

At the very least she needs to take legal advice and send out the response properly through the solicitors

Stegosaurus1990 · 14/12/2019 18:01

Sorry OP, I missed that you also had made plans. Are they easy to rearrange.

I agree with PP that it might be worth returning to court to stipulate re holidays. As others have said neither of you can strictly speaking atm. Would it be worth alternating school hols or something similar as others have suggested?

Embracelife · 14/12/2019 18:10

Please ask for some support for your daughter and all of you have family therapy sessions.
It maybd the anxiety is over leaving you it maybe not. .

But clearly the anger all around isnt helping
.

Original poster
amdinc · 14/12/2019 18:56

Stegosaurus1990 I could rearrange them but the real issue is the fact that we have an order in place and he’s putting massive pressure on me to agree to him breaking it and I don’t know what the consequences of that would be, probably it will undermine my position. He could have easily told the court to get this holiday written into the order but he didn’t and according to him it’s been booked for months - we were only in court a few weeks ago. So he’s sprung this on me suddenly now.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 14/12/2019 19:29

amdinc I assume you have a solicitor please speak to them about it and get them to write the response you agreed upon

Original poster
amdinc · 14/12/2019 20:08

Quartz2208 Thanks, yes I do and I will.

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