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Original poster

Ex booked a holiday for our child without asking me

60 replies

amdinc · 14/12/2019 09:08

My ex and I share our daughter 50:50 and there is an interim court order in place (4,3,3,4) until our next hearing in March. I am trying to get an order in place where I am the resident parent and she sees him regularly, to make things more settled for her because she’s suffered bad anxiety due to spending so much time away from me. She’s 5.

He is basically a narcissist and sees anything less than exactly 50:50 as a loss for him and a win for me. It’s such a joke, he isn’t even there for a lot of the time when she’s meant to be with him he just doesn’t want to have to pay me a penny in maintenance. Our daughter is not a priority for him, she is an accessory, and he just has to win everything, every time.

Anyway, he has recently announced he has booked a holiday right across my time with our daughter during Feb half term. He’s trying to say he rang me months ago and that I agreed to this but he absolutely did not - he lies constantly and is very manipulative and he has done this before ie booking something without asking me then basically just telling me it’s going to happen so, if I say no, I look like I’m the one being unreasonable.

Am I able to say no to this? The court order doesn’t mention this holiday he’s booked because he did not tell the court about it before the order was made. So it just states the 4,3,3,4 continues in the school holidays.

It’s not that I want my daughter to miss out on a holiday, but the way he has done it is just so wrong. He constantly bullies and undermines me and I am so so sick of it. He expects just to tell me what’s going to happen and I comply without question.

I’m afraid that saying no will make me look unreasonable in court in March but I had plans for half term which I won’t be able to do if she goes on holiday with him because all the days we each have her will be different. But then I’m almost hoping he breaks the order anyway so he’ll get himself into trouble!!

Anyone have any advice? Thanks x

OP posts:
Stegosaurus1990 · 14/12/2019 09:10

So he’s a twat but why do you want to say no? The only person who will miss out is your DD.

Weenurse · 14/12/2019 09:11

Refer to the court order and take him back to court for wanting to breach that.

PlaymobilPirate · 14/12/2019 09:11

Don't make it a competition. The holiday is booked now - make sure 'holidays booked on written agreement' is sorted at court

Original poster
amdinc · 14/12/2019 11:41

Stegosaurus1990 Because I had plans for my daughter and I during the half term which I’m loathe to cancel as I don’t really see why his plans should take precedence over mine when he’s booked this during my time with our daughter not his own.

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Original poster
amdinc · 14/12/2019 11:42

PlaymobilPirate Yeah this will definitely be raised in March at our next hearing 👌🏻

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Original poster
amdinc · 14/12/2019 11:44

Weenurse thanks, but I don’t think I’ll be able to until the March hearing.

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JacquesHammer · 14/12/2019 11:45

If you had firm plans in place and have made an outlay of course YANBU to expect those plans to take precedence especially when it’s your contact time.

SD1978 · 14/12/2019 11:47

It's definitely needing clarified, as you both should be able to take holidays- this means you also can never have more than 4 days. Can you, in writing, have an agreed 'make up' time- he is c number of your days, and you will therefore have her x days of his, from x date until x date in return- preferably before the period he is taking her away?

JacquesHammer · 14/12/2019 11:53

If I’m reading it correctly, the OP isn’t objecting to the holiday but the fact her ex has unilaterally booked a holiday without checking first with the OP whether she had plans during her contact time.

Blankscreen · 14/12/2019 11:53

I'm sure your plans are easier to cancel than a holiday.

Also if you are going to be that inflexible then it means he can be difficult if you want to take your dd on holiday as he'll say no its my time to spend with her - so effectively you can both never go on holiday which is ridiculous.

Also your daughter needs to get used to spending time with her dad. Most girls love their daddy. If she misses you then she probably misses him too and it's a sad fact for her that she needs to adjust to having split parents which is difficult. Him not having 50:50 just means that she is a visitor into her dad's life which I really disagree with. He is her parent as much as you and has as much say as you.

I'm sorry but you sound ridiculous insisting that he cancels the holiday.

Quartz2208 · 14/12/2019 11:53

I think you need to send back that as he did not contact you in writing you have made other plans for this half term that you do not wish to cancel. You of course are not adverse to changing things around in the schedule as you respect that both of you should be able to take her away. Unfortunately this time due to the time given plans have already been made that cannot be cancelled and you feel that it is best perhaps that this issue is raised as the next court hearing so a procedure can be put in place regarding notice and how to deal with days.

Blankscreen · 14/12/2019 11:59

Be the bigger person and have her for a week at Easter instead

JacquesHammer · 14/12/2019 12:01

He is her parent as much as you and has as much say as you

Yes. By reasonable discussion. Not simply deciding when he will book a holiday and failing to discuss with the OP what her plans for her own contact time are.

Soontobe60 · 14/12/2019 12:02

What are your plans, and what holiday has he booked?

The court will more than likely want to agree to the current 50/50 arrangement, and that's the right thing to do. Your DD will miss her DF as much as she misses you, but in no time at all it will become the new normal for her.

happycamper11 · 14/12/2019 12:07

That pattern of contact does not allow for holidays for either of you. I was very careful to get holiday specifics in to our court order so my ex couldn't prevent me taking dc on holidays just because it might cut in to his time. Kind of the opposite situation I guess but work both ways. Perhaps return to court to solve this now. I'd imagine he'd be allowed to keep any booked holiday though and you'd be entitled to use some of 'his' time at another time

Blankscreen · 14/12/2019 12:07

My comment was directed at the fact the op wants to become the RP and change from the 50:50.

LynnMa2 · 14/12/2019 12:08

Change your plans and let her go on holiday. Also, negotiate for primary residence as being with you but don't press the maintenance issue - if you truly are doing it for her well being and not just trying to get more money. Put your child's well being first and he will likely agree to it if it means he doesn't have to pay more than he already does. Worth it.

Original poster
amdinc · 14/12/2019 12:22

SD1978 Yes you’re right it does need clarification- what we have now is an interim order until our final hearing in March so there will need to be provision for holidays in the final order.

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Original poster
amdinc · 14/12/2019 12:22

JacquesHammer Exactly

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Original poster
amdinc · 14/12/2019 12:32

Blankscreen We only trialled 50:50 a few months ago and it soon became clear it was causing her a lot of distress. He denies she’s upset and refused to try a different routine. I couldn’t care less about his money and I’m all for shared parenting but not at the cost of my daughters emotional well-being because 50:50 only works where the parents live close and get on reasonably well. Things are never black and white.

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Original poster
amdinc · 14/12/2019 12:39

LynnMa2 I couldn’t care less about maintenance he hasn’t paid anything for months. He denies she was upset at handovers, even when he witnessed it and her saying “I don’t want to go mummy” - he blames me says that I’m bad mother and the fact that I’m single means that I cause all her upset. He literally stated that to the court. He’s a nightmare!

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Jessbow · 14/12/2019 12:41

Presumably you have only made a plan for YOUR time in feb half term- is it really not changeable? did you consult her dad?

So sad when the child sounds like a pawn in a game. Maybe her emotional well being would be better of she didn't think you and daddy hated each other. ( You might well do but she doesnt need to know)

Soontobe60 · 14/12/2019 12:41

Maybe she isn't upset when she's with him🤷🏼‍♀️
I did 50/50 week on week off with my DD who was 6 when we split. It continued for 12 years until she left for Uni! We did alternate Christmas and birthdays, had 2 weeks for holidays in the summer, lived 20 miles apart and didn't speak directly for the first 5 years. Ex stayed in the home we bought, DD stayed at the same school. I moved out to my parents initially. She's a mum herself now and says that if she ever split, she'd do exactly the same thing.
Don't get me wrong, it broke my heart every day for a long time, but I knew it was the right thing to do because stopping her father from being her father is innately wrong.

BreatheAndFocus · 14/12/2019 12:49

I can’t believe some people saying you should just let the holiday go ahead, OP.

The issue is NOT the holiday. It’s OP’s ex trampling all over her contact time and acting in an entitled way. If you’ve never dealt with a narcissist, then count yourself very lucky.

OP, I don’t think the court would think you were being unreasonable not to let yourself be bullied. Your ex has shown you ZERO respect. He’s not parenting as part of a team for your DC’s benefit. He should have asked you first.

Don’t let him mess up your plans. Don’t get emotional. Keep communication factual and polite. Stress you aren’t against swaps in contact in principle but that it needs to be discussed in advance not sprung on the other parent as a fait accompli.

Original poster
amdinc · 14/12/2019 12:49

Jessbow Yes I made plans for us during my allocated time with her. Why should I consult him to do that?

Yes I agree she’d be much better off thinking her parents had some minimal level of respect for each other, unfortunately he does not.

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